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Chris Curtis, Fishing off the Company Pier.

Most of society rightfully thought sports talk radio was filled with below average looking guys who couldn’t get laid in a whore house.

But have we got news for you. WEEI, while not having ratings, definitely is filled with something.

That something you ask?

Adultery.

Allegedly.

Any way you slice it, it’s a bad look. We at BJBSJ are sure that this was all vetted by the Entercom employee handbook. But setting aside the fringe issues of employees striking up sexual relationships with subordinates, the larger issue has to be discussed.

Curtis, you emancipated dog, you. Way to step up your game fella!

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11/6 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

SSBN-636 USS Nathaniel Greene.
An OK Boomer.

Trust me; having lived through it the first time, you didn’t want the Patriots to be undefeated going into the playoffs. It. Was. Exhausting.

It’s ok to admit that Tuukka gives up too many soft goals in the second of back-to-back games against hated rivals two days after Patriots losses. It is!

I’m starting to think Gordon Hayward wasn’t the problem last year.

Stick around another year JD, Red Sox could use your batting skill.

Those x cross section coffee stirrers at Cumberland Farms don’t work well. At all.

Oh my goodness: did you see there was a CAT on the football field! How did it even GET there?!?

Celtics really let 98.5 down by winning the other night.

Bruins needed to save some non-overturnable goals from Monday to Tuesday!

Jimmy Garoppolo the person, I don’t know. Jimmy Garoppolo the player, I don’t mind. But Jimmy Garoppolo the cudgel to deploy against Bill the GM, I can’t stand.

Cakes are cooking for Peter DeLuise, Ethan Hawke, and Zoe McLellan.

It’s too bad Alex Rodriguez was on the broadcast team for the World Series, because you know he wanted to interrupt Game Seven with an announcement that he and JLo eloped.

The General car insurance commercials really lost something when they dropped the penguin sidekick. There; I said it.

We only have to endure three more weeks of NFL coaching staffs costumed like they’re assaulting the Empire’s shield generator on the Forest Moon of Endor.

‘Load management’ sounds like a term that originated in the adult film industry.

Get well soon, fella who faceplanted into the ice whose name escapes me right now.

If Deadspin still existed, they all could have written about Nationals catcher Kurt Suzuki callously wearing a MAGA hat. And would have. Alas.

I don’t care what the view counter shows, only 50 people are going to read this article. Fifty!

This just in: Liberty just scored another touchdown on UMass.

That ‘Everybody Needs Somebody To Love’ Amazon ad? No. Just no.

College hoops are back, baby!

Ford vs Ferrari? Sounds like a mismatch. I may have to see it to find out what happened.

Brown eggs are local eggs, and local eggs are brown.

Good for you Andy Gresh.

Honk if you remember Robert Plant asking ‘Does anybody remember laughter?’

Oh, and sorry this wasn’t ready to be published earlier. I blame the switch back to Standard Time from Idiotic Pretend Time.

Shirl’s latest column earns two hot peppers.

Dwight Evans belongs in Cooperstown, even if weirdo Bill James thinks so, too.

I have grave concerns about the fading possibilities of Peter King’s Fairness Bowl.

Best bet for the weekend: visits to the turkey farm.

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SZN of Choice: The Players or The Radio Men

Ever since he was traded from football purgatory also known as the Detroit Lions in the middle of the 2016 season, Kyle Van Noy has certainly made a name for himself as a Patriot. Not only has he become one of the most dependable defensive players, he’s also become a fan favorite. One of the pivotal reasons for this is his willingness to go after the mediots, both local and national, for things they say about them. Some folks may confuse this act for being sensitive to criticism, but you can’t react to something that isn’t said about you, especially when you’re in the public eye.

And that brings us to why I’ve gathered you all here today. Criticizing an athlete for not living up to expectations (either perceived or not) is fine, as long as it is done in a respectful manner. But when you go on a radio show where your ONLY objective is to troll your audience (some of which actually like that, Sideshow Bob groan here) and start assassinating the character of a person who have NEVER MET IN PERSON, you are a hypocrite and a disgusting, vile sack of crap. Enter Felger & Mazz on 98.5. Both of them have seemingly attacked KVN on multiple occasions ever since he arrived in Foxboro.

Naturally Van Noy got word of these comments being made about him, and he responded. Not once, but twice.

15 minute mark here.

He also went on First Take with Sony Michel after the Super Bowl to defend his team and his QB from award-winning hater extraordinaire and former fake boxer/rapper Max Kellerman.

Which then prompted Mr. Sensitivity Rich Teeth to call KVN sensitive for going on a show. Make that make sense.

But that apparently hasn’t been enough to stop the attacks on him. Watch what happened just 2 weeks ago!

Oh, and the vitrol isn’t limited to Van Noy. And the person doling it out isn’t limited to Tweedle Doo and Tweedle Dumb. “Big fan” (who also blocks anyone on Twitter for even breathing a disagreement) Gym Murray also participates in the pile on.

The most miserable clowns on the face of the earth. THEY are what runs this town. Well, let me show you some examples of the kind of people they are talking about.

Back to Van Noy. Kyle and wife Marissa are both co-founders of the Van Noy Valor Foundation, which, according to their website, “encourages personal valor in the lives of adopted children, those in foster care and disadvantaged youth by armoring them with success through resources, mentors and opportunities.”

Because of this commitment to giving back to the community, Van Noy was recognized by the Patriots by giving him the 2019 Ron Burton Community Service Award.

And if you’re one of those people who think like the above lemmings, let this video give you a clue on how respected and adored he is here.

So now, ladies and gents, with all of this evidence at your disposal and the tale of the tape rolled out….

Which side are you on? Who ya got? Athletes who not only give it their all on the field for your favorite football team but give their all to the towns in which they play by providing help and services that would be otherwise non-existent, or tattooed bald eunuchs, fat slobs who gamble and claim they play tennis, and old white men who cover themselves in napkins in 60 degree weather?

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/30

Scary.

Congratulations to the 2019 World Series Champion Houston Astros Washington Nationals.

I’ve got sports seasonal overlap disorder, and its a good thing.

Nick Chubb? He’s a (sniff) cute little RB2.

Looks like the Celtics are better than game one indicated.

Pasta The Great Kid playing like The Great One.

The BSJ Mike Loyko investigation is now officially a cold case.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’, Other Bennett Brother. Aloha.

Welcome to Boston, Chaim Bloom. Figure out how to keep Mookie.

Whither Deadspin?

Peter King’s stubborn refusal to understand the NFL’s scheduling system is utterly exasperating.

Can’t wait to see that ‘Not dissimilar to actual events’ Midway movie.

Not being from around here, Sanu gets a pass from me for the ‘Beantown’ cleats.

Tiger Woods is still good at golf.

Coach Flores may not last the season in Miami.

You can’t tell me CBS is still airing episodes of ‘Madam President’.

Cakes are cooking for Henry Winkler, Timothy B. Schmit, and Nastia Liukin.

There’s going to be lots of disappointed kids out there trick or treating with no NECCO Wafers to be had.

That Mike Nugent Pats jersey was probably a bad investment.

Someday I’d like to be as good at something as people think Joe Buck is at his job.

Hood Eggnog in the stores already.

I hear tell the Ravens are decidedly not afraid to play you.

Honk if you remember Mindy McCready.

Well UMass, there’s always the hockey team.

300 wins for Coach Bill Belichick. Quite the accomplishments. When does he pass Parcells on the list?

Robert Evans, you led quite a life. RIP.

Hey dummy; your obvious burner account is an obvious burner account.

Best bet for the weekend: putting the storm windows up.

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BJBSJ Takes A Stand: Pay College Athletes Now!

D-1 Tennis Stars deserve a living wage

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Reminder

Not Afraid.

The Ravens are NOT afraid to come HERE and play YOU! But what really is going to happen is that YOU have to go THERE and play THEM!

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/23

Eight more days til Halloween. Halloween, Halloween. Eight more days til Halloween. Silver Shamrock.

Going to be strange seeing old friend Al Horford in a Sixers uniform tonight. Go Celtics.

If everything goes right for the Patriots, Mr. Kraft is going to have to find a way to buy a lot of championship rings. More than normal.

I think Pasta has made the transition from Good Kid to Great Kid.

October Baseball is unscriptable.

So who wants to hear some fantasy football bye week bad beat stories? Nobody? Ok.

Hey LeBron, wha’ happened?

It’s odd not to have a rooting interest in the World Series.

Wait; that marathon runner who broke the two hour barrier didn’t set the mark in an actual marathon? What do they think we are, rubes?

Cakes are cooking for Pele, Ang Lee, and Weird Al Yankovic

When are they moving the fences back in Yankee Stadium?

Everyone get the Sanu wordplay out of your system.

Hey, Janos will be back tweeting, if that’s your bowl of soup.

I swear the Globe should put a spicy pepper symbol next to Shirley Leung’s columns to warn us of any hot takes contained therein!

Maybe don’t agree to be miked up if you’re going to get all angry that the network broadcast stuff you said while you were miked up. Just a thought.

BC Football definitely has a shot at the Carquest Bowl.

Bill Macy died? You think they’ll let Felicity out of jail early now on bereavement grounds?

Good luck in the Windy City, David Ross.

‘Zachary S. Dancer’ would make a good Secret Twitter account pseudonym.

Yorkshire Terriers quite frankly look ridiculous with their fur trimmed short.

8-0 is still in play.

You can have the Night Court theme music, I’ll take the Barney Miller theme song.

Honk if you remember other people writing for this site.

Take the Last Train to Mutesville, friendo.

Jaylen Brown didn’t even need a ‘Get Paid’ tattoo.

The Bennett brothers. Amirite?

You heard it here first; Chaim Bloom.

Best bet for the weekend: The Washington Nationals.

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/17

Foliage Drive SZN.

Near as I can tell, the Bruins are on a pace to go (adding machine clacking noises) 80-1-1. My math could be off.

That was quite the Lambeau Screw Job on Monday Night.

So splashing red paint on Columbus statuary; is that some kind of Ohio State thing?

I had never heard of an NBA two-way contract until about a week ago.

I think if the Patriots had ever had a player named Demaryius I would have remembered that.

Nice work, Washington Nationals. Will you vote Youppi! a playoff share?

I give Trump’s handling of the Turkish situation Four Gobbles.

Can you minor in Interpreting Body Language at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting?

Globies trying to make ‘Fort Foxborough’ a thing is so fetch.

I remember exactly where I was on Balloon Boy Day. #NeverForget

No pressure Houston, but you could make 25 million Yankees fans all sad.

Cakes are cooking for George Wendt, Ziggy Marley, and Mae Jemison.

The Ewing Theory, is that about J R., or Bobby?

I mean, I remember an Adalius Thomas being a short-time Patriot.

Pasta may be a Better Kid this season.

Celtics being 4-0 in the preseason? Sure, why not?

I really wish there were a great nature photograph of a fox startling a marmot. Ah well. Someday.

Young Hocules and his crew is will be calling the Pats/Planes MNF? Yikes.

Know this: Valuencing ain’t easy.

Schefty should not try to do anything more athletic than speak on two cell phones at the same time.

Brach’s maple candy corn? Blech.

I enjoy modulating amplitude, Craig; I really do.

So, what you’re saying is, that The Champ *IS* Here? Gotcha. Thx.

Today, a German Shepherd dog, while still carrying a 5 foot long downed branch in its mouth, barked repeatedly at me. Takes talent.

Coming in 2020 to the CW: Twitter Doctor.

Honk if you remember Waquoit.

Is there a Peter King’s Fairness Bowl Curse? I’m just asking the question!

You take Nanci, for me Loretta’s fine.

Tomorrow would be a great day to announce we’re raising prices here at BJBSJ. You know, if we charged for anything.

Ah, October baseball. To quote Peter Gammons, “Isheyyr uehdhuc3 hehdhxhd! ueidie.”

Best bet for the weekend: what else but The Head of the Charles Regatta? Finally!

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/9

A nice Sunday to go apple picking, yes? Maybe.

Waiting for the Boston Globe to congratulate the Red Sox for their efforts in fighting childhood obesity by reducing the number of ‘kids eat free’ promotions at the Ninety Nine after wins this season, as compared to last.

Bobos think the Patriots can paper over their offensive shortcomings in time for tomorrow night’s game. Honks won’t admit the team has problems on offense.

Is ‘Halak and Alas’ the Bruins backup netminder answer to the ‘Boo Hoo Tuukka Crew’ dumb phrase at 98.5? If not, they are welcome to it.

The way I see it, this NBA/China crisis is a case of danger plus opportunity.

Kudos to the Minnesota Twins on a job…done.

The Connecticut Sun could win the WNBA Finals Thursday. Or Washington Mystics head coach Mike Thibault could win his elusive first title.

Dan Fouts has a walking case of CTE: Can’t Talk Enough.

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see. Believe me.

Which NL teams have the momentum? Hard to say.

I bet the worst thing about being the Postmaster General is the rare times when you have to disapprove a mailbox design.

Being tasked as bullpen catcher with keeping Derek Lowe out of the NU dorms prematurely aged poor ousted Red Sox pitching coach Dana LeVangie. Here’s hoping his new assignment is less stressful.

With his poor handshake etiquette one might think Baker Mayfield was from Natick!

UMass Football is saving it’s point scoring for the critical Homecoming Game versus UConn. Probably.

Cakes are cooking for Robert Wuhl, Mike Singletary, and Henrik Zetterberg.

The only mafia that doesn’t deny its own existence is Bills Mafia.

The makeshift table unhurriedly collapsing atop that hopefully not dead Bills Mafioso’s prone form in that viral Nashville tailgate video was like something from a Chuck Jones Roadrunner cartoon.

I hope Greg Bedard can bring closure to the Mike Loyko investigation before he inevitably shutters his site.

In the time it took you to read this far, Delaware North has stuffed another 56 seats into the TD Garden.

Good thing that young lady on the Twitter wasn’t able to cancel Kevin Youkilis.

That iPhone commercial where that toddler trips in the crosswalk nearly in front of a bus is upsetting.

I respect the hell out of the undefeated 1969 Medfield HS football team.

If there’s one thing in my life that’s missing, it’s the time that I spend alone sailing on the cool and bright clear water.

Tacko Fall needs a nickname. I am going to call him ‘The Big Chalupa.” Feel free to do so as well.

Bob Costas would’ve made a great barista had he not gone into broadcasting.

Brief movie review: Ad Astra? More like Sad Dadstra.

The Vanity Fair article about Bob Kraft’s visits to the Orchids of Asia day spa makes him look even more like a needy rube, if you can believe that.

Vaya con fetti, Rip Taylor.

You did not hear this from me, but word on the street is that Nick has Premium.

Honk if you remember zany zappers.

This just in: Mike Lynch is still retired from Channel 5, and Rob Gronkowski is still retired from professional football.

It just follows that there had to have been a single A battery at one time, yes?

So as I’m entering the rest room at the local TJ Maxx, I nearly bump into a guy combing his hair and I’m all like “hey, watch what you’re doing Edd ‘Kookie’ Byrnes!” and he deftly replies “that’s a terribly out-of-date cultural reference.” and I had no choice but to ruefully agree with him.

Did their bye week arrive at the right time for .500 Boston College?

Best bet for the weekend: tourists in the North End for the Columbus Day Holiday.

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Larry Johnson Has the Hiccups

Don’t you find Larry’s life fascinating?

Excerpts from the unpublished manuscript by Ms. Beatrice Kerr, which to date has been rejected for publication by; Esquire Magazine, LIFE, Sport, The Boston Phoenix, The Atlantic, Reader’s Digest, The Boston Globe Magazine, TALKERS Magazine, The Improper Bostonian, The Christian Science Monitor, Playboy, Vibe, The Lawrence Eagle Tribune, Art Monthly, Boston Magazine, The Wellsley Townsman, Yankee Magazine, Jet, digboston, Street & Smith’s Pro Football Draft Preview, EXPO Magazine, The Somerville Times, Radio Ink, Southwest: The Magazine, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Parrot World.

18 April 2008 – 11:39 AM
Larry Johnson is excited. It’s a big sports time in Boston. All the local teams are active. The Celtics are about to start the playoffs. The Red Sox are off to a decent start and will always be the number one story. The Bruins are in the playoffs and winning. Even though Larry is enjoying the Bruins, he misses the old NHL and the fighting. No, really. Larry’s just being honest. He could lie and say he likes the finesse game, but that wouldn’t be Christian. So he admits that he enjoys seeing God’s creatures beating the bejesus out of one another. Except Larry pronounces that “be-hay-soos” because he doesn’t like to take the Lord’s name in vain. That’s a sure ticket to eternal damnation where Larry has heard the buffet is a big disappointment.

And the NFL Draft is coming up. Larry likes to think of himself as a bit of a self-styled NFL draftnik. He doesn’t really care much for college football (except for BC, where Jon Meterparel does a great job) and doesn’t really know any of the players but he finds the discussion fascinating and what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with having a diversion from the vicissitudes of life? A welcome respite from things like plagiarism, lack of self respect and annoyingly persistent weight gain. Larry’s partner, Craig Mustard, doesn’t like the draft and tells Larry not to talk about it. Even though Craig and Larry kid around a lot on the air, Larry thinks Craig is a great guy and he does a great job. Just as all the guys at the station do. And the callers too. Great guys.

And the Boston Marathon is coming up. Larry’s hoping he gets the call to sit in on one of Monday’s shows. He has a hilarious riff on running that he uses every year that really breaks the guys up. “I can’t even drive 26 miles!!” and “hey, Pete, are you sweaty from running the Marathon or walking up the stairs??” and “I run to Shaw’s every weekend!!” and “I have congenital heart failure. Please help me. Guys, I’m serious.” He has a lot of fun with it and the guys at the station really seem to enjoy Larry’s humor. It’s a great place to work.

16 May 2008 – 4:32 PM
Larry Johnson is torn. It’s the Friday before his Saturday morning radio show at WEEI. It’s a great place to work with a great bunch of guys. He and Craig Mustard argue a lot on the air, but it’s all in good fun. Larry prays for Craig, just as he does all of the guys at the station. Craig’s a great guy. He’s settled down and become a family man and Larry couldn’t be happier. Despite the fact that Craig once refused to donate his kidney to Larry when Larry lay near death even though Craig was a perfect match, Larry still thinks Craig is a great guy and he long ago put that ugly business behind him.

The reason Larry is torn about tomorrow’s show is that he doesn’t know how he will handle one of the hot button issues of the Boston sports week. He knows fans will want to talk about the Herald and John Tomase. Larry knows that fans will want to engage in personal attacks on John, who Larry thinks does a great job. Just as all the guys at the Herald do. Larry secretly hopes that the Celtics clinch their series tonight so he can talk about positive things. That’s what Larry likes to do. He thinks there’s far too much negativity in this town. He loves that Rick Pitino quote. He liked Pitino’s press conferences. He likes all press conferences. He finds it fascinating when the media questions people with microphones and cameras around. There’s always the possibility that someone will say something fascinating.

Larry likes to put a lot of issues on the table for the Saturday show. Craig jokes that Larry should be used to a full table. Larry laughs and then sometimes chokes because of his congestive heart failure, which is not funny but the pictures of his heart the doctor showed him are fascinating.

Larry hopes John Tomase can find spiritual guidance to carry him through these dark times. Larry likes to act as a sort of shepherd to his fellow man. But not like Pete Sheppard. That’s one of Larry’s favorite lines and he laughs a lot after it, sometimes without passing out.

In fact, Larry decides he’s going to call John after the show and offer to take him over to Lively Stones church. Not for a sermon, but for some fun. There are a great bunch of guys there who get together in the spirit of fellowship, faith and trans fats. He thinks John will fit right in. John’s a great guy and Larry would like to introduce him to Jesus, the greatest of great guys.

06 Jun 2008 – 2:10 PM
Larry Johnson is depressed. It’s the day before his regular Saturday shift at WEEI with his old partner, Craig Mustard. Craig’s a great guy and a great high school teacher in an exclusive Boston suburb. Larry’s not a teacher but he spends his days drawing Glenn Ordway. The guys at the station have a lot of respect for Larry’s art. They kid him about the fact that he traces everything, but Larry just laughs and winces to hide the pain when they’re not looking. The fact that his life’s work has become a punchline makes Larry sometimes wish he’d followed his first calling: to be an aviator. Sometimes he still pretends he’s a pilot while he’s sitting on the toilet. But his large frame, flat feet, nearsightedness, high blood pressure, uncontrollable sweating, explosive flatulence, high glucose levels, webbed toes, compressed vertebrae, trouble swallowing, vertigo, respiratory problems and irritable bowel syndrome left him just shy of the physical requirements. So he put down his wings and picked up a pencil.

Larry likes who he is and he knows that the other guys at the station like him too. They call him “LJ”, which Larry knows is not a name you would call someone that you did not like. Sometimes Larry likes to drive over to the station just to be around the guys, even if he isn’t working. He sits on the other side of the glass with headphones on and watches Glenn and the guys work their magic. He mouths what he would say if he was on the air. He touches his hand to the glass. His heart flutters but not in a way that he recognizes he needs to hit his Medic Alert button. He sketches another cartoon of Glenn. This time he gives him purple pants. That’s a good one. Glenn will like that. He thinks about how much he wants to be a regular on the station. It hurts sometimes, but then the free food arrives. Larry is right where he wants to be.

02 Sept 2008 – 3:07 PM
Larry Johnson is frightened. When Jason Wolfe asked to meet with him several days ago at TGI Friday’s, Larry figured something was up. He knew that heavenly appetizers and reasonably priced, cheese-covered entrees might not be the only thing on the menu. Before they could get through the third bucket of boneless wings, Wolfe got right to the point. He was relieving Larry and Craig Mustard of their weekend hosting duties. Larry tried to make a joke about the Red Sox and their relievers, and then about Pete relieving himself in the studio, but Wolfe sat stone faced across the family-sized vinyl booth, leaning back in his booster seat and folding his arms. Suddenly, the fancy lighting and welcoming décor that Larry always loved about the Friday’s chain started to spin. Larry felt his heart running faster than normal, his head growing light and his torso starting to sweat. And he hadn’t been near a flight of three stairs in weeks. Larry’s mind raced as he thought about how he might illustrate this moment. How can one trace the death of a dream? Just before he passed out, he saw a Rolling Stone tongue logo on the wall. He never knew Friday’s to be so edgy. And for the 12th time that day, Larry Johnson lost consciousness.

Larry awoke to find all the guys from the station standing over him. He was in the hospital. It turns out the boneless wings…weren’t. No one from the station had ever come to visit him before during his 372 recent stays. He was overcome with emotion. What a great bunch of guys! Who wouldn’t want Chronic Obstructed Pulmonary Disorder if it means the guys are going to come see you?

After that, how could he hold a grudge about getting fired? Just because a short man and great guy named Wolfe has taken away his only connection to humans, his access card to all the great guys at the station and free food, his purpose in life…why should he be upset? God only gives us as much as we can handle, a proverb Larry put to the test repeatedly at the Old Country Buffet. They do a great job over there. Really. Who would have thought you could put cheese right in the meatloaf? Not Larry. But they do. And it’s great.

Later that night, as he lay awake in his hospital bed, the ventilator working overtime hooked up to an auxiliary industrial strength turbine engine, Larry looked out at the night sky. And then it came to him…satellite radio! He picked up the hospital phone and quickly called Craig, who asked how he got his home number. Craig was always kidding. Larry told him about his idea. Craig said “Sirius?” Larry replied, “I’ve nevah been more serious in my whole life!” And the dream was born anew.

We at The Journal are glad to provide an outlet for Ms. Kerr, and hope she can find a publisher due to this publicity. She is welcome to publish other works, if any, here as well. @firegoodell3

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