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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 8/21

The sand, it gets everywhere…

Best wishes to all involved in the 2019 WEEI/NESN Jimmy Fund Radio Telethon.

Great, now what am I supposed to do with my custom Dontrelle Inman Patriots jersey?

I’m starting to think Ben Allbright might not even be an American Indian.

This just in: Rafael Devers is quite the hitter.

Hoping for a player to relapse so you can then tweet at a D-list Sports Hub employee about it is pretty, pretty low.

Get well, get well soon Chris Sale.

The Celtics are in need of a new patch sponsor; what say you Honey Dew Donuts?

Aloha means ‘goodbye’, Alex Reimer. Aloha!

I call the third NFL preseason game ‘a dress rehearsal’.

Hindsight being 20/20, maybe the Red Sox should have gone over Baserunning Basics 101 during Spring Training.

Hey Almost-a-Coach Greg Bedard: how goes the investigation into what’s his bucket, that racist substitute teacher sofa scout you hired for your hyperlocal site?

Chase Winovich is a ‘high motor’ type.

Yankees are going to slug their way into the playoffs despite their pitching; can the Red Sox do the same?

Do I have to change the Gronkowski-based name of my fantasy football team? Asking for a friend.

Larry Bird retired this week back in 1992. Coincidentally, back doctors no longer prescribe ‘wear Converse Weapons that weigh 15 lbs. each every gameday.’

Where’s my Fall Preview issue of TV Guide?

People using Ryan Allen to bootstrap a referendum on Gostkowski? Yuck.

Can prop dogs unionize? Just asking the question.

News Item: Billie Eilish’s ‘Bad Boy’ dethrones the Lil Nas X/Billy Ray Cyrus collab ‘Old Town Road’ at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 after 19 weeks. The world I grew up in is gone.

If Twitter Eddie Andelman were the genuine article, he would have made sure to get the blue checkmark.

An object at rest cannot be stopped!

To be honest, I’d have been more impressed had Carli Lloyd booted that pigskin into a series of dustbins. Pip pip cheerio and all that.

Rex Chapman: hack, or content thief?

It’s the time of year where Matthew Slater vexes the pedantic when it comes to roster spot projections.

Coming into last night, Marcus Walden had held hitters to a .082 AVG since the All-Star break.

Cakes are baking for Kenny Rogers, BJ Upton, and Kacey Musgraves.

Fingers crossed Dave Brown invites some of his former Canned Heat bandmates to appear on the Entitled Town podcast.

Good job, good effort Barrington, Rhode Island Little Leaguers.

Confession: I have trouble telling the difference between Belgian Malinois and German Shepherds.

Honk if you remember Mr Big Toyland.

I hear tell Demaryius Thomas was taken off the PUP. Well then, PTT!

Best bet for the weekend: The Highland Street Foundation Free Fun Friday.

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More Little-Known Beantown (and Foxborough) Sports Facts!

Pre-order your copy today!

Patriots QB/QT Tom Brady was drafted in the sixth round of the 2000 NFL Draft, with pick number 199!

Raymond Jean Borque originally wore sweater #7 for the Boston Bruins, switching to #77 when the team retired Phil Esposito’s #7!

Stephen Neal was a champion wrestler before he played football!

Red Sox Great Ted Williams was a Marine aviator, missing several MLB seasons due to military service in World War II and Korea!

For many years, women were not permitted to compete in the Boston Marathon!

The Patriots first AFC Championship won against Miami in January 1986, but the rallying cry ‘Squish the Fish’ is zoologically incorrect! Dolphins are not fish; rather, they are aquatic mammals!

The Boston Celtics parquet floor is made out of red oak, whereas the other NBA arenas all use rock maple flooring!

The Boston Bruins are an Original Six member of the National Hockey League!

Well-travelled NFL quarterback Ryan “Fitzmagic” Fitzpatrick attended Harvard University!

The Boston Celtics have won a NBA record 17 Championships!

Don Baylor was hit by 267 pitches during his MLB career!

Sportswriters Bob Ryan and Peter Gammons started working for The Boston Globe newspaper on the same day!

Patriots offensive tackle Sebastian Vollmer was born in Germany and speaks German fluently!

Red Sox third baseman Bill Mueller singled home pinch runner Dave Roberts in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS!

Five Patriots fans were electrocuted after carrying a goal post removed from Sullivan Stadium after a playoff-clinching win versus Cincinnati in 1985!

The Beanpot is a collegiate ice hockey tournament among Northeastern University, Harvard University, Boston College, and Boston University!

Red Sox Great Roger Clemens named all his children with names starting with the letter ‘K’!

Bruins player Glen Wesley overshot an empty net in a 1990 playoff game against the Montreal Canadiens Edmonton Oilers!

Former Boston Herald writer John Tomase has never actually apologized for his untrue assertion that New England filmed the Rams walkthrough practice!

The Boston Red Sox were the last MLB team to integrate, when the late Pumpsie Green was brought in as a pinch runner in July of 1959!

Harvard once beat Yale in football, by a score of 29-29!

Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick’s favorite sport is not football, but lacrosse!

Red Sox Great Carl Yastrzemski played his entire 23 year career in Boston!

Legendary Celtics coach Arnold “Red” Auerbach once punched the owner of the St. Louis Hawks on the face!

The New England Patriots once suffered through a 1-15 season!

The basketball hoop rims at the TD Garden are exactly ten feet off the ground!

Harvard and Northeastern have never met in The Beanpot Final!

Follow Mr. Darden at @StdSportswriter on Twitter.

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 8/14

Because even though it’s summertime, we have deadlines to make.

What was your LSAT Score?

Ten years of The Sports Hub. I remember thinking competition for WEEI would make both stations better, with the listeners being the biggest winners. Sigh.

More Red Sox players should try to go 6 for 6 in a game.

I’m comfortable still holding Mike Vrabel’s choice of college against him. Guilt by association, I know.

And it’s somewhat surprising how many Patriots superfans misspell his name.

So. Andrew Cashner. Welp.

New England Revolution getting hot at the right time.

Gleyber Torres must hate Baltimore more than The Donald does.

Speaking of Baltimore, the Ravens would like it to be known they are decidedly not afraid to come up here and play you.

Hearing Mia Khalifa only earned $12,000 in porn brings to mind the old joke that ends ‘Who paid you 25 cents?’ “Everybody.”

Are the Red Sox capable of playing at a .750 clip for the rest of the season? We shall see.

You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh at the Antonio Brown situation out in Oakland.

Inspector Renault is shocked, shocked to hear of accusations of cheating in the Little League World Series.

The Dominican Republic’s Attorney General announced that Jeffrey Epstein committing suicide was a case of mistaken identification.

Can anyone tell me how old the Patriots starting quarterback is? Thanks, I will hang up and listen.

I wonder if you counted the organs harvested from Cooper if Peyton Manning still isn’t the oldest QB to win a Super Bowl.

Mina Kimes is an American treasure. There, I said it.

WEEI’s Ken Laird can be forgiven for his intemperate remarks made on Pittsburgh radio; how was he to know people would be listening? That’s a new experience for him.

Why do I confuse Jenna Dewan and Lauren Cohan?

If you’re headed to Saratoga tomorrow, it might be worth $2 to bet on Pharoah Cat in Race 4.

Cakes are cooking for Gary Larson, Magic Johnson and Tim Tebow.

Andrew Luck is one missed start away from becoming ‘the oft-injured Andrew Luck.’

You can have Hellenic College, I’ll take The Ristuccia Memorial Arena.

Ironically, I was told that gaslighting was a good thing. Crazy, right?

I’m wiling to give this Greg Hill Morning Show a fair shake. But first impressions and all that.

Honk if you remember Muzz & JF.

We don’t deserve dogs, and luckily, deserves got nothing to do with it.

Best bet for the weekend? Dingers in Williamsport, Pennsylvania.

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 8/7

A pool and a pond.

Because if you don’t clean it out the numrods will get stagntic..

We made it to August, gang. Pro Football returns soon. Tomorrow, to be precise.

If you think about it, no team really defends a championship.

Did Tom Brady Sr. donate hair follicles to Dr. Leonard? Just askin’.

That Sam Kennedy is doing a bang up job as WEEI Program Director.

This upcoming MLB Players Weekend has a very Office Space “Oh, and Friday is Hawaiian shirt day!” vibe to it. IMO.

I don’t foresee any overreaction the the news Tom and Gisele want to sell their Brookline property. At all.

Red Sox are gonna win eight in a row and get right back into this thing.

Apparently something is going on with Kirk Minihane and his new podcast home at Barstool Sports and yawn. Don’t care; can’t make me care.

Someone should do a podcast about how entitled local sports fans have become.

Springfield’s Own Nick Buoniconti seemed to be too decent a guy to have been a ’72 Dolphin.

Curran should have called the Brady household and warned Benny that another team-friendly deal means no new Lego sets ever.

That Hobbs and Shaw move looks preposterous. There; I said it.

People claiming the Red Sox problem is the bullpen may lack a basic understanding of the term ‘bullpen’.

I sometime wonder if that poor Kennedy family is cursed.

So can a growing disconnect be like a collapsed lung?

So because of one turtle with a cocaine problem, no one can have regular straws anymore?

You can tell a lot about a player by their reaction to a joint practice.

Cakes are cooking today for Bruce Dickinson and Mike Trout.

If Tom Brady wanted to, I bet he could find some great real estate bargains on Cape Cod what with everyone taking Plain Black Hat Zookeeper’s advice and abandoning the area.

Four Celtics on the Team USA roster? Fine by me.

Popovich/Kerr 2020! Who’s with me?

You can have Elisabeth Moss, I’ll take Carrie Anne Moss.

When are they going to start construction of the Wahlburgers on the MGM Springfield property? People want to know!

All the dogs that were named after Tedy Bruschi are most likely dead by now. That makes me sad.

Add CFL free agent Taquan Houseboat to my list of Favorite Sports Names.

Honk if you remember Scammy Jenkins.

So which Fantasy Football guide magazine is the best to buy right now?

Have a safe Victory Day next Monday, Ocean Staters.

Best bet for the weekend; thunderstorms.

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In Memowiam: Mensa Matt

Our poor sweet prince.

He’s gone. And we couldn’t do nothing about it.

Yeah, he threatened to brutally murder Verizon employees, but who hasn’t? Especially one day after pledging to be more gentle and patient.

Was this wrong to say?

All we can do now is hope he finds his way back to us and enjoy this collage of the fun he provided us. It’s for the good times.

Ray Price for the good times, babe.

Keep reading, pal.

Back off, numrod.

His own worst enemy.

You’re in safe hands.


Don’t be sad. We’re cewebrating the laughs he gave us.

Damn.

What up y’all?

He gave us so much. The only one he couldn’t save was himself.

Matt was a Twitter masterpiece.

On Matt’s final night before Twitter excommunication, he had some valuable words. Unfortunately he gave the advice to David Price without heeding it himself.

This is but a small fraction of the gold Mensa Matt gave us. The best way to honor him is to always remember what he believed in most:

PASTA IS A GOOD KID!

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Boston Sports Media: The Weak In Review

The joyful celebration you heard last Monday at 10:05AM ET was Toucher and Rich popping champagne.

That’s because the re-packaged Hillman Show emerged from the Entercom Worcester Witless Protection Program after being placed on the forward deck of Sinking Ship Dot Com. It’s the audio equivalent of an expired package of Ex-Lax in the back of your medicine cabinet: it hasn’t aged well.

Toucher and Rich, But Dumber is bland, humorless, and uninspired, so while it may be Murchison/Leung/John Henry approved, it’s insulting to anyone looking for a respite from Touch and Rick’s Mega Zoinks in the Morning. Greg Salk is detached and uninterested in his show, giving him something in common with the listener. Bland and formulaic, Sleepy Salkie’s show is based on an antiquated template, the same template used on fourth-tier shows in fifth-tier markets. If you buy a generic brand of waxed beans and rip off the label, you can hardly tell the difference between Sleepy Salkie’s Show and the 15th rated show in Anytown, USA.

Social media hasn’t been kind to The Artist Formerly Known as Hillman:

The Completely and Totally Marginalized Alex Reimer was removed from timeout following his hissy-fit after being benched to issue a PR Release disguised as a Media Column. I’ll save you the click, but his “Get to Know Greg Hill” piece is predictably a trainwreck. Teenage Blogboy Hammerin’ Ryan Hannable would find this kindergarten level schlock embarrassing:

The level of excitement Sleepy Salkie demonstrates for the move to EEI jumps off the page:

Moving to Magic 106.7 makes sense. David Alan Salkie + Enya + Sade = radio gold!

The Pissant’s piece is a hostage tape in interview form. Unfortunately, Hillman declaring that his captors are treating him well and providing him three square meals a day was edited out.

Rabbit-Eared Hillman took to the Twitter machine to fire back at critics… until suits at Entercom put the kibosh on the most energy Low T Salkie showed all week. If nothing else, Greg Salk is a good company man.

Every lineup needs a ninth-place hitter, and WEEI has theirs. Fire up the email service blast to discuss the latest news from Sheboygan!

My prediction: It won’t be long before Linda Marks is asking the musical question, Why are Hill’s ratings zero?

Consider this a tip of the cap to The Artist Formerly Known As Hillman, Greg Salk – he’s our BJBSJ Mediot of the Week.

Quick hits:

  • A source suggests Dale & Keefe and the OMF show are angry about the dogshit Hillman Show as a lead-in, fearing their respective 1.7 and 2.2 ratings might become the new normal for EEIdiots.
  • Dale and Keefe, despite their plummeting ratings, are likely safe because ‘they work for fucking peanuts and toe the line without an issue’ per an industry insider.
  • Greg Salk being outraged that Aaron Hernandez’s #81 is still in circulation while having no idea he also wore #85 is so perfectly Greg Salk.
  • The on-air staff at 985 are universally giddy over Sleepy Salkie joining EEI.
  • Blind Mike ripping on Danielle Murr’s status as Designated Overlaugher is amusing.
  • Greg Bedard approaching the Patriots for a job in their scouting department brings a question to mind: What about the Wicked Hyperlocal Beaneating Chowdahead Lifetime Subscribers to the BS Jourinal?
  • NBCSN Boston Libelist Extraordinare John Tomase is every bit the slovenly opportunist you think he is.
  • Ben Volin is still a easily amused simpleton. Interesting!
  • What kind of psychopath goes to get that small an amount of gas?
  • Spoiler: The reporter that considers a drive to Foxboro a ‘day trip’.
  • I’m #TeamDondero.
  • Did the Red Sox get their dicks kicked in by the Yankees this weekend? Yes. Now, explain to me how this in any way diminishes the Red Sox ripping the soul out of Tri-State Area Bambino Fetishists during last October’s Gentleman’s Sweep?
  • Third String WEEI Program Director Joe Zarbano is a world-class dummy.
  • Tony Massarotti has a double-digit IQ.
  • Jimmy Stewart aspires to Mazz’s intelligence.
  • Mike Felcher’s servants are ordered by The Wood to cover his napkins in Lubriderm with extra spermicide under penalty of death.
  • Bonesy Adam Jones needs assistance to lift his cell phone to his ear.
  • Marc Bertrand loves Pepsi more than the fruit of his loom.
  • Greg Bedard is still a thing? No? Good.
  • There’s not a better recurring piece in Boston media than the weekly @patsscartel Emptying The Desk Drawer column on Wednesdays.
  • @defnotgg is a warped genius.
  • Stay off @SalSputnik’s island.
  • #BJBSJ had it first. Again.
  • I’m on record: @WWIIFelger and @patscartel in the AM? I’m all in like ________.
  • @AlexReimer1? I’m out like _______.
  • @davecullinane is the voice of a new generation. MY generation!
  • Ty Law just picked off Peyton Manning’s HOF bust.
  • Does Bill Belichick respect Ed Reed?
  • Where in the world is Miguel Benzan?
  • Dull Arnold is despised by his colleagues.
  • Rich Teeth actually seems competent when appearing on air after The Artist Formerly Known As Hillman.
  • That doesn’t mean Rich Teeth is good on the radio.
  • Princess Venmo is literally sobbing rn
  • Are Roman Swipes placebos?
  • If you use a mallet putter or take care of your golf clubs, @jeremyboudrot will shun you.
  • @mikewichter is on the Mount Rushmore of golfing partners.
  • Source: Steve Robinson is a monotone voice in Kirk Minihane’s head.
  • There’s not a better writer covering the Patriots than @ThatDaveBrown.
  • @BootlegBarnicle? #OOTG.
  • I’ve Borgesed @patsscartel’s column shtick.

There are an infinite number of stories in the Naked City. The list above provides an infinite amount of detritus.

As always – DO NOT GET THE EGGPLANT.

While Charred Finn weeps into John Henry’s bony bosom after a doubleheader sweep at the hands of the Evil Empire, BJBSJ gives you content.

Again.

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The Long-Awaited Explanation

Our readers deserve to know wha’ happened.

People will see what they want to see. Often to the point of missing what else is also there right in front of them.

It started before Memorial Day. A test to see how perceptive our readers are. In the ‘Holiday Weekend Public Service Announcement’, in a post ostensibly reminding people that the Memorial Day Weekend was about thanking the troops (spoiler: it’s not), I wanted to include a picture of some troops. Not American troops, but those of our #1 geopolitical foe, Russia, as a test of visual acuity. A stock photo of some goose-stepping Russian special forces on parade was found, and added to the post.

all these Spetznaz troops would later die in a February 2018 “training accident” in Syria. USA! USA!

No one noticed. until somewhat later.

In early July, after a rambling blog post/manifesto/suicide note from Scott Kacsmar gave people a friendly reminder of The Journal, I thought it would be fun to slip another hidden message into one of the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns. The die was cast.

I spoke with Managing Editor Steve Bosell about adding the hidden message, and it was decided to add some padding around the message. As Winston Churchill eloquently said; truth is so precious it should be attended with a bodyguard of lies. It was concluded that the padding would be intentionally controversial, and with the July 4th holiday approaching, President Donald Trump’s planned ‘military parade’ was on everybody’s mind. So the plan was to arrange the column so that the first letter of consecutive sentences would spell out MAGA and then TRUMP. *

However, unbeknownst to me, Editor Bosell unilaterally decided that if one MAGA and one TRUMP was funny AND created controversy (and pageviews), than THREE MAGA’s and TWO TRUMP’s would be even better. So some of my intended content was scrapped, and some strangely phrased musings added.

If no one had noticed, as they hadn’t with the Russian troops picture, everything would have been fine. But perceptive readers, such as Chris Staiti (@realStaiti) and particularly Brad Rifkin (@RightAt_TheTime)** did notice, and noticed the Russian troops picture, and took great offense, perhaps understandably. Of course, being away of vacation during this time prevented me from conducting a full investigation into the matter until recently.

Suffice to say we here at The Journal have learned our lesson, and will not do anything of the like going forward.

But what was the actual ‘hidden message’ that was lost in all the MAGA TRUMP noise? It’s right there; between the 2nd MAGA and the 2nd TRUMP. A call out to everyone’s fave NESN personality;

TC.
TC!

That’s right, Mr. Tom Caron, bitches.

Patrick Scartelli is a columnist for BJBSJournal. He resides in Plainville, MA.

*- The notion that The Journal tacitly or explicitly blindly supports President Trump is ludicrous, much like the notion that the staff voted for him en masse in 2016. Such an occurrence would have been nigh-impossible, due to staff members variously being foreign nationals, precluded from voting due to state laws disenfranchising convicted felons, being on the ballot in opposition to then-candidate Trump and a multitude of other reasons that are both unique and sufficient.

**- Mr Rifkin’s twitter account regrettably appears to have been hacked.

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 7/31

Emptying out the sports vacation suitcase…

No one needs a vacation so much as the man who just had one. -Elbert Hubbard

I’m hearing that the Red Sox were in on everything.

Congratulations to Rodney Harrison on his induction into the New England Patriots Hall of Fame. We’re all glad we got you.

I wonder if Tom Brady posted that Instagram video of him and Viv jumping into the water knowing it would outrage a section of the population, and then he’d be motivated by their outrage, like Rodney was great at doing.

Weird how the ‘You are what your record says you are’ saying doesn’t apply to the guy who said it.

Best of luck on WZOU WEEI mornings to Hillman, and Danni, and Fitzy, and possibly another character borrowed wholesale from Touch & Rich’s show. ‘Sarge’ maybe. Zoinks!

Color me premature, but I think this Tacko Fall kid has the makings of a local folk hero.

Red Sox winning two of three from the Rays, and then three of four from the Yankees shouldn’t feel like a disappointment, but that’s the reality at the end of this July.

And I’m still not sure how accurate ESPN’s Strike Zone Box thingie is.

Not every Chiefs Fan is an ‘ew, Brady kisses his son! On the lips!’ weirdo, but every ‘ew, Brady kisses his son! On the lips!’ weirdo is a Chiefs Fan.

This is all I have to say about young Bronny and his AAU team; I have no idea what AAU stands for.

I bet Shirley Leung would love it if Mindy Kaling opened a microbrewery. Quirky!

Cakes are cookin’ today for Zac Brown and B.J. Novak!

Janos was cancelled? News to me.

Well I think it’s just the tops that Minihane let Blind Mike draw the t-shirt design they’re selling.

Could really use a ‘prove it’ year from Sony Michel. I mean, what’s this guy done?

It’s a shame they couldn’t have started production on Top Gun: Maverick back when Jimmy Garner was still alive.

We’ll see you when we see you, Kacey McDonnell. Aloha.

Best Patriots Coverage, or performance art? You decide!

It never fails to amaze me how many items require exactly one minute of cooking in a microwave.

I hope the Visionary Fenway Rooftop Gardens got watered enough during these recent heat waves.

Did I miss skinny ties coming back into and then out of fashion again?

Bootleg Barnicle says Filene’s Basement still has the best sales when you need a good pair of slacks.

Late July and the first rumblings of a ‘Changing of the Guard Atop the AFC East’ can be heard.

Big ups to Rhino Relocation out of Van Nuys, California. Great job, guys!

Zudy Apps Now?

Football returns in August.

My invite to The Ireland Fund’s Nantucket Celebration must have gotten lost in the mail.

Honk if you remember the Weylu in Saugus.

Best bet for this weekend: Short porch cheapies.

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A Hill to Die On for WEEI

Benz. Salk. Keefe. Hill.

The New York Jets of sports radio are at it again, and as a result WEEI’s Mount Rushmore of atrocious additions is complete. The Greg Hill Show is proof that the Wheel of Gutless Bums isn’t spinning in the Red Sox bullpen. It’s a fixture at Entercom Boston.

What wacky skit did Toucher and Rich, But Dumber roll out for their much-unanticipated debut this past Monday AM? Stop if you’ve heard this before: a zany reference to Country 937!

BJBSJ had it first. Again.

If you bet the under for first cringe-worthy moment on the The Greg Salk Show, collect your $2.10.

2 days into this show about nothing, Sleepy Salkie 2.0 combines the charisma of Mike Mutnansky, the machismo of Dale Arnold, and the enunciation skills of Rich Teeth. This soulless, empty-vessel of a show is tap-water enthusiast Sam Kennedy’s wet dream: if no one’s listening, no one can lodge a complaint with WEEI Program Directors Bob Murchison and Shirley Leung.

Joining The Artist Formerly Known As The Hillman, ‘Fitzy’ is a hyperlocal Cosmo Kramer ripoff providing local sports bonafides.

(I actually felt bad for Fitzy. It seemed like he was trying.)

Formulaic Female Replacement-level sidekick Danielle Murr fills out the trio by playing Brick Tamland in aggrieved feminist form.

Note to Blind Mike: You’ve been usurped as media’s preeminent giggler. STEP IT UP, SON.

Hill, Murr, and Fitzy (Nick Stevens) have been put in the ultimate no-win situation: their show is canned and uninspired, paint-by-number radio. They’re (ostensibly) replacing K&C, a highly-rated, high-profile show with large, well-defined personalities. (The same thing holds true for recently ousted Mut & Callahan co-host/human bookmark Mike Mutnansky). They’re sitting ducks in the cross-hairs of Kirk Minihane. In reality, they’re collateral damage in a activist’s hubristic mission to take down two talking radio men he disagreed with. The Greg Hill Show is empirically horrendous radio. It’s also exactly what Entercom wants.

While Charred Finn stocks Large Gymnasium’s House with all the finest ketchups, BJBSJ will continue to cover the long, strange journey of Sinking Ship dot com.

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Gold Bottles!

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