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04/01/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

So d’you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?
Same energy.

.

My Strat-O-Matic team is going to win ten in a row and get right back in the race!

Ignorant science-denying tween Ace Davis has me rooting for the Bucs. Rooting that they go 6-10! Heyoooooo!

People say Belichick has a plan, but his best player right now is a Jew, so you tell me what the hell is going on.

Arizona aquarium cleaner ingredient lady definitely poisoned her husband.

This stupid pandemic really has derailed Steve Buckley’s campaign to change the MLB logo to Tony Conigliaro.

It’s times like this where we miss Powers Boothe. He’d no doubt give us a correct accounting as to how many screamin’ Chinamen there are.

Is there an emulator program version of ‘One on One: Dr. J. vs, Larry Bird’? That was a great game.

Does Dr. Birx pull those scarves out of Lou Merloni’s sleeve before she goes out for a press briefing?

How is the “Brady doesn’t trust new receivers” narrative going to survive now that he’s on a different team with all new receivers? Is Brady just going to throw the ball away on every pass attempt until the Buccaneers bring in a former Patriots pass catcher?

Cakes are cooking for Susan Boyle, Randy Orton, Mackenzie Davis, and Logan Paul.

Can MIT graduates practice Social Distancing by standing a Smoot away from everyone else? Huh? HUH!?!

Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Hawaii 5-O reboot.

The Masters: cancelled. Wimbledon: cancelled. But if this virus causes the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest to be cancelled, then Peter King is made happy, and the terrorists win.

To be honest, I thought Curly Neal predeceased Meadowlark Lemon. R.I.P., Globetrotters.

Remember gang, this week’s Phrase That Pays is ‘sure as ten dimes buys you a dollar.’

I hope Blockbuster is considered an essential business. Please do the right thing and rewind those VHS tapes. Be kind!

The BJBSJ Way discourages publicly praising Mike Florio.

Are you guys watching Westworld? (spoiler) It turns out some of the main characters are actually automated.

Great Basketball Mind 1, Coronavirus 0. You go, Doris!

In a big country, dreams stay with you,l ike a lover’s voice fires the mountainside: Stay alive. So take that look out of here, it doesn’t fit you. Because it’s happened doesn’t mean you’ve been discarded. Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming. Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted; I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered, but you can’t stay here with every single hope you had shattered.

It would be a real Mother’s Day Miracle if baseball could return by then, wouldn’t it?

Tilapia? Please. As if.

Truth be told, I’m more worried about the COVID-15 I’m packing on than the actual virus!

The little critters of nature; they don’t know they’re ugly.

Hey Governor Gina Raimondo, alabaster twat Chad Finn had ‘Knock It Off’ first.

Honk if you remember the April Fool’s Blizzard.

If you ask me, gang, there’s only one true Tiger King, and that was Sparky Lyle.

Marcus Smart will lead us through this.

Don’t answer any number from the 508 area code, Jarrett Stidham’s dad!

Sandwich stacker pickles? Three jars of them? No one in this house uses them! How?

Best bet for the weekend: gradual numb acceptance.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, #the15 and BSMW Message Board Participant ‘Coma’ were used in this column.

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Important Message From Dale Arnold

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Area Dullard Finds Women ‘Fun’, But Not Interesting

Giant dummy-head and adjective challenged hobbit Ben Volin, Senior NFL writer for the Boston Globe, has a problem. Well, lots of problems, one of which is an over-reliance on using the word ‘interesting’. We have mocked it here earlier:

Why then does he prefer a different descriptor for the work of his Globe collegue Nora Princiotti?

Once could be happenstance. Twice? Coincidence. But three times looks like condescension. It’s, as they say, a Bad Look.

Also a bad look? This.

Jonatha Firestone is a BJBSJ Intern.

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3/26/20 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Stay indoors. Inside is your friend.

Gotta keep those storm windows up until baseball starts? Is that really one of the unwrittens?

I’m hearing that the Patriots uniform change involves really REALLY big Flying Elvises on the shoulder pads. Keep that to yourselves.

Coach Bill needs Chef Jen’s PR person.

I hope Mr. Jacobs can still go out horse jumping or whatever it’s called to take his mind of how universally loathed he and his family are.

Kudos to Tom Brady for matching Drew Brees and donating 5 milllion magic pliability beans!

When baseball finally starts, I predict the Red Sox will bring back trough urinals in the men’s rooms as a measure to bring fans closer together after a difficult period of social distancing. So good! So good!

I enjoy the pseudo-puritanism that makes the Commonwealth refer to liquor stores as ‘package stores’. There; I said it.

Cakes are coking for James Caan, Marshall Faulk, and Keira Knightly.

Happy trails, Mr. Gostkowski. I don’t understand how you became a Rorschach Test for Huge Patriots Fans, but you were appreciated.

But what if getting blocked on Twitter by a vapid adulteress is the sort of thing to make me contemplate suicide? What then, lady?

Calling it the ‘novel coronavirus’ is like pronouncing the country Pakistan as ‘Pockistan’.

It’s #OpeningDayAtHome. To pass the time the 2018 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox would like to offer coloring books for your kids! Only $79.

Please stop sending dick pics to Diana Russini. She sees enough penises at work.

Pretty soon it’ll be just Tawm E. and a volleyball left on his island. Everyone has left. Sad!

Remember, gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: ‘High corners for fast action!’

Why doesn’t somebody be ask Kyle Van Noy how to stop the Covid? Surely he knows!

So I called up Monaco and asked, “Do you have Prince Albert in quarantine?” and they said ‘Yes’ and then I said, “Well you better keep him there until the virus has run its course.” and hung up.

‘Everyone forgets that Stephen Gostkowski is Evel Knievel’s nephew.’ – Bill Simmons, probably.

I remain convinced Market Basket won’t ever run out of sawdust.

Counting flowers on the wall, that don’t bother me at all. Playing solitaire ’til dawn with a deck of fifty one. Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo; Now don’t tell me I’ve nothing to do.

Honk if you remember tan M & M’s.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Wonder what Edelman meant by Foxboro forever?

Dale for real looked exactly like my dead Nana in his pink sweatshirt picture.

Shhhhh. Quiet now, The walls have teeth.

With all this free time, I should probably have prepped for this column. Ah well.

In retrospect, Tom may have held that kiss with his kid for a half-second too long.

Best bet for the weekend? Marble Racing, what else?

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, #the15 and NFLInsiderJoeyJoJoJuniorShabadoo @cpaul512 were used in this column.

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We. Are. Essential.

BJBSJournal. If not us, who? If not now, when?

During this time of crisis and uncertainty, I am honored to be allowed this opportunity to thank you for being a loyal reader of BJBSJ, and to share with you what we are doing to keep delivering our reporting and opinion in the manner in which you have become accustomed.

Much of the Editorial Staff has been moved to off-site secure locations, be it either their individual homes or the closest Regional Redoubt. Our writers and stringers are prepared to continue to file remotely. And we few, we happy few remaining interns wish to thank Managing Editor Steven Bosell for allowing us to shelter in place at the BJBSJ Offices. The Merrimack Valley is lovely.

Even with the COVID-19 related disruptions to sports and popular culture, the past two weeks have shown no shortage of bad sports media takes, be they hot takes, or #coldandgross takes. BJBSJ will stand and challenge those takes, virus or no virus, games or no games.

Thank you again, and know that we are #AloneTogether in this. Stout hearts.

Jonatha Firestone, BJBSJ Intern

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Deep Cleaning Out and Also Disinfecting the Sports Junk Drawer

Not a Skybar.

Plenty of 2018 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox tickets still available folks! Operators are standing by!

Let’s counter the TP shortage with an abundance of T’s & P’s.

Gov Baker does not appear as confident as his sign language guy does.

It’s okay to admit Belichick is being mum on the virus. If we had someone like Jeff Fisher, there’d be press conferences everyday!

I bet Alex Verdugo can’t wait for Social Distancing to end.

Tampa Bay. Tampa. Bay. The one place that makes Foxboro look like Monaco. Be careful what you wish for, Tom.

TD Garden ice should be ok for playoff hockey in July. Sheesh.

Everyone laughed at Chad Finn and his Strat-o-matic baseball. Who’s laughing now, though?

Shank scared by this admittedly odd sports-less environment? Good.

Cakes are cooking for Glenn Close, Bruce Willis and David Ross.

Will the game versus the Buccaneers be every team’s Super Bowl now?

Kung Fu was a great television program.

Can you imagine being the last person to make a coronavirus/Corona beer joke?

The Red Sox AAA affiliate must be sad they get to spend even less time than they planned to in Pawtucket this final year there.

I still don’t like seeing thoes Bobby Orr wearing Blackhawks gear pictures.

Was there a changing of the guard of the local sports scapegoat ceremony between David Price and N’Keal Harry?

Probably best that the Pats Pro Shop remain closed until they get sufficient supplies of Damiere Byrd and Beau Allen jerseys.

Tom Brady will play against New England before Kyrie Irving suits up against the Celtics. Book it.

I wonder if it was David Ortiz’s lookalike friend Sixto that actually failed that leaked PED test back in the day.

You weren’t going to win your March Madness pool anyway.

Remember, gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: ‘Jean has a long moustache.’

I’d like to know if there have been any supply disruptions in regards to Krafty Bob’s sneakers.

It’s like Miguel over at patscap no longer works at BSJ. At all.

I need one of the neighborhood red tail hawks to get one of the stupid migrating cowbirds that are pigging out at the bird feeder. You’re not the intended recipient of my largesse!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Dale Arnold completely forgot he had Brady staying when he got the Tampa scoop.

In retrospect, the pass an orange neck-to-neck relay game team building exercise was a poor choice of things to do at the Biogen conference.

If Blue Bloods gets cancelled don’t put it past Mama Bridget to move to California and take Jack with her.

Tawm Curran ripping Field Yates for being a Belichick mouthpiece is…..something.

Honk if you remember the World Hockey Association.

Personally, I’m walking around with asymptomatic Pennant Fever!

Best bet for the weekend: business as usual for bloodthirsty shut-ins.

See everybody back here in a week!

One week later….
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Almost-a-Cap-Expert?

Long time skimmer, first time writer… As something between a completely legitimate and totally fake consumer advocacy journalist, I felt compelled to make you, the reader, aware of an issue that recently came across my desk (read: my twitter feed).

It was noted that Miguel, the resident cap expert at the Boston Sports Journal, no longer lists the Boston Sports Journal in his twitter profile page.  This piqued my interest so I went straight to the source and found he was still listed on the BSJ’s “Our Staff” tab. 

It is still there as of publication, right below Greg, a doctor and a Conor.  Despite this, when you follow his link, there are no posts under his byline since October 2019.  Curious!

I decided to approach BSJ founder, owner, writer, editor, background checker and recently rehired contributor Greg Bedard about this alleged  disconnect between what subscribers are paying for versus what they are getting.

In the interest of journalistic fairness, I gave Greg the opportunity to clarify Miguel’s role without calling it out. 

This didn’t seem to be getting me anywhere so I asked more directly. 

I mean it would have been quicker…

Since Greg is a very busy person and didn’t have the time to reply to me for a 4th time, I decided to take him up on the offer to address the question via email.  I was immediately met with skepticism, as apparently whether I am a subscriber or not is relevant as to whether he currently staffs a content producer who his site claims is on staff.

I attempted to clarify to Greg that in order to decide whether I want to pay for a subscription, I would need to know what I am buying but that was met with further skepticism.

Email redacted to protect my source… me.

So Greg’s official answer on whether his subscribers, and prospective subscribers, are paying for access to Miguel’s exclusive content is apparently NO COMMENT.  Caveat Emptor.

This reporter certainly won’t speculate as to why answering a yes or no question is so difficult, but I certainly won’t dissuade others for doing so. Drop a line if you have the lowdown.

Editor note: As of publication, this reporter has been soft blocked by Mr. Bedard.

-ADK

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer: Emergency Tom Brady Free Agency Edition

Thanks for the memories, kid.

Six Super Bowl Wins, an indeterminate number of SB losses, eight consecutive AFCCG appearances, lots of touchdowns, made pom-pom hats OK for guys to wear; it was a good run in New England.

Now Tom’s never going to get that coveted Patriots Practice Player of the Week Award.

I’m going to blame Robert ‘Big Jonathan’ Kraft for allowing this situation to spiral out of control.

You had literally years to wrap your brain around the possibility of Tom going elsewhere. If you didn’t accept this could happen; that’s on you. Cry.

Could this signal the long-overdue changing of the guard atop the AFC East?

Well, Actually; this is the worse Evacuation Day ever.

I want poorly Photoshopped pics of Dalton, Bridgewater and Newton in Pats unis! And I probably want them right away.

Bill the Coach and Bill the GM wasn’t going to change his philosophy about player retention based on one player, even one extraordinary player. Except Slates. Bill loves Slates.

WEEI Monday morning w/o the Tom Brady interview segment? Hoo boy!

But I was told other teams fans considered Brady a past his prime, ball-deflating, noodle-armed system quarterback. They may ask that he be sent back. Tough noogies. He’s yours now.

When do we start seeing the TikTok videos of fanz burning avocados?

In this time of social distancing, is it really safe for Bob Kraft to employ Troy Brown as a human shield?

Prop Dog Employer Tom E. was right? Blech.

Thinning the fan herd after twenty years will probably be a good thing.

Let’s don’t turn this into Diana’s funeral, okay New England?

Jarrett Stidham; He’s tall, has a big arm!

You may hear talk that the patriots were irrelevant prior to Tom Brady becoming the starting QB. Ignore it.

Everyone reading their progressions seamlessly and panicking about where Tom’s going so quickly after panicking about his leaving is almost impressive. Almost.

I hope Tom understands that if he wins elsewhere, Boston is not giving him a parade like they did for Ray Bourque.

Good thing Miguel only had to work half a day! I need to know the salary cap ramification!

This probably means Gronk isn’t coming back, either.

Hoe do you read Belichick’s statement about what Tom Brady meant to him and the team and still believe the same guy wrote that incoherent letter that Trump read?

Kraft should be made to hug every Biogen conference attendee.

Curran just sent an Edible Arrangements to Stidham’s dad. Probably.

I’ll look for you in Honolulu, San Francisco, or Ashtabula. You’re gonna have to leave me now, I know. But I’ll see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, in the ones I love. You’re gonna make me lonesome when you go.

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Statement from the BJBSJ COVID-19 Advisory Panel on upcoming event

Today, BJBSJ Managing Editor Steven Bosell and the Board of Governors canceled the 2020 March Sadness Biggest Mediot tournament. This decision is based on the evolving COVID-19 public health threat, our ability to ensure the events do not contribute to spread of the pandemic, and the impracticality of hosting such an event at any time during this year given ongoing decisions by other entities.

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3/11/2020 Cleaning Out The Sports Junk Drawer

I’m ready, COVID-19.

Everyone who participated in promulgating baseless Tom Brady speculation deserves to be placed in one of those good old-fashioned Puritan public humiliation & punishment devices. The pillory for those who were wrong, & the stocks for those who guessed right.

Your Boston Bruins first to 500 posts 100 points!

Continue reading “3/11/2020 Cleaning Out The Sports Junk Drawer”
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