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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 6/19

Sorting the drawer into ‘reporting’ and ‘opinion’ piles…

Congratulations to the Toronto Raptors. And a reminder that actual velociraptors were turkey-sized. Well, they were!

A 17 inning game? My word! When did the Red Sox get back to their hotel?

Anthony Davis to be a Laker, and no longer a Pel. What are you gonna do?

2011 aside, the Bruins seem destined to act as a local reminder of how hard it can be to win a championship series.

That ‘necessary reminder’ job used to be the NE Revolution’s fate. Perhaps it shall be again, and more. Here’s to a bit more success to them over their next 25 years.

Boy, that Somerville mayor really wants Kirk Minihane’s podcast to succeed!

That said, there still remains a chance that the Kirk to Barstool Sports thing winds up as a trainwreck.

News Item: Rare Blue Lobster Sent to Cape Cod Restaurant to Be Donated to St. Louis Aquarium. A nice gesture. Hopefully now people will stop calling Boston racist.

As a writer, John Rooke is a good public address announcer.

David Ortiz in ‘good’ condition is great news. Keep upgrading, Big Papi.

Lou Merloni won’t have Al Horford to kick around anymore.

Waiting for mendacious muppet Ben Volin to re-pivot to ‘Okay, that was just my opinion’ as to the Nick Caserio situation down there in Foxboro.

Aloha means goodbye, Kyrie. Aloha.

Celtics have 3 first round picks, and most likely cap room with Irving and Horford gone, so of course everyone is invested in hanging crepe. Rick Pitino was right.

Now are Bobos a type of Honk, or a different thing altogether? I have yet to receive a satisfactory answer to this.

I guess we’re released now from thinking Anna Horford’s tweets are interesting?

I’m hearing that the hacker who was prepared to release candid snaps of Bella Thorne before she preempted him is named George Glass.

I hear tell the worst part about steeping your guinea tea is leaving the plastic bag on.

You can call it the Travelers Championship, but it will always be The Greater Hartford Open to me.

Ahhhh! Carpenter bees!!!

Harrison Burton in the #18 Toyota is a face to watch in the NASCAR Gander Outdoors Truck Series.

A proposal, the United States switches to metric for real this time, if the rest of the world agrees to use clocks that count down and not up in soccer.

That Carla Gugino can still stretch a dress.

Did the Baha Men ever get to the bottom of that whole thing?

Boston still misses Len Bias.

Honk if you remember Coffee Connection.

Best bet for this weekend? Chris Sale vs the Blue Jays.

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“Grampie Glenn’s Trying To Log On To AOL Again!”

While no one was looking, Grampie Glenn snuck out of Room 5.3 at the home, fired up AOL, and logged on to the Twitter machine.

There’s something… familiar about these tweets.

You know, it’s like I’ve heard this stuff before. I can’t place them, but I think I’m experiencing deja vu.

It’s killing me – I am certain I’ve heard the exact same thing somewhere else before. It’ll come to me.

Side note: Perhaps if the Celtics were to add Gramp’s co-host Futility Lou Merloni, they could be worse and less likeable, just like afternoon drive on EEI.

It’s so close – it’s on the tip of my tongue. I know where these takez came from!

Ahh, here it is.

Gampy just repeates what he’s heard from Nana Felcher!

After nearly 5 decades as a mediot, is this what it’s come to for Grampy Glenn: Aggregating and parroting Michael Felcher like a septuagenarian Tony Massarotti?

It appears so. I’ll grudgingly even give credit to @WEEI twitter accounts for covering 985 more thoroughly than Nana Felcher’s butler, Charred Finn.

Here, the genius of WEEI program director Joe Zarbano is on full display. It takes full balls and an empty cranium to provide advertising to the iceberg currently ripping through your hull rather than promoting Barstool’s newest hire/disgruntled future ex-employee Kirk Minihane when he was in your employ.

Bold move, Cotton Mouth Joe. There are 4.7 reasons your job is in jeopardy.

Mercifully, June is the last month of the spring arbitron ratings book, and Grampa Glennie has been showing an interest in new things: he’s been listening to a lot of Shania Twain, Johnny Cash, and Garth Brooks.

Old DJs never die, they just change formats.

Godspeed, Grampie Glenn. Yee-haw.

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BJBSJ Statement Regarding Current David Ortiz Speculation

For Immediate Release:

I don’t deal in rumors and gossip, especially when it comes to David Ortiz.

Guess what I do know to be true?

He’s the ballplayer who played his heart out for us for over a decade.

He’s the man who made us believe that anything is possible and anything can be overcome.

He’s the hero who showed us how to be strong again after the terrorists tried to break us.

He’s the charitable man who has taken care of so many people here and in his home country, especially sick children.

And he’s a good person who didn’t deserve to be hunted and gunned down by animals.

— Steve Bosell

Managing Editor, BJBSJournal

Material from personal interviews, wire services, other beat writers, bloggers, and league and team sources was used in this report.

Steve Bosell has been Managing Editor of BJBSJournal since fall 2012. He resides in Lynn, MA with his wife and three children.
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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 6/12

Cleaning out the drawer wearing white gloves like that odd Stanley Cup chaperone guy…

Ballplayer Helps Heal City. City Helps Ballplayer Heal. Nice symmetry. Only in Baseball.

Maybe Christian Fauria should have declared Chara to be ‘Dunzo’, as opposed to ‘Doneski?’ (shrug)

So. The Beyhive. They seem nice.

Would the L.A. Lakers undropped-from-the-rafters balloons from 1969 fit inside that St. Louis bar tabbed Sunday to host the Blues Stanley Cup Final Victory celebration?

Why not just ASK the Bruins if you can be Banner Captain Kevin Paul Dupont? The worst they can say is no.

Hey City of Boston, howsabout *doubling* the width of the bicycle lanes, so that handicapped bicyclists have space on the street too?

You know, I do believe the Red Sox need a dedicated new closer. There; I said it.

I’m 95% certain ‘Dack Edzo’ was a supporting character in the Star Wars prequels.

City on a Hill three word review: Needs More Kevins.

Congratulations to Rafael Nadal for winning the French Open. Unless it was one of the other two men’s tennis players who won. Not sure.

It’s Jack Easterby’s world. We’re just living in it.

You know who was happy about all that tree pollen? Car washes! And probably the trees, too, come to think of it.

Hey gang, now David Ortiz has a Dominican Death Certificate to go with his Dominincan Birth Certificate!

Too soon?

Doesn’t it seem like Flag Day comes earlier every year?

News Item: Bill Belichick cancels last two mandatory Patriots OTA’s. So much for the “No Days Off” “Patriot Way”, huh? Smdh.

MBTA should spin all the recent train derailments as being part of a suicide prevention initiative.

It’s officially MIAA Boys Lacrosse State Championship SZN.

You’re better than that, Toronto. Or at least better than Boston, according to Wokeness Point Acquisition Lady on Twitter.

Upton Bell is atypically competent in using his block button feature on Twitter. More’s the pity.

FIFA Women’s World Cup? yes, FIFA Women’s World Cup!

Whiskey Cavalier gets cancelled, but Blood & Treasure premieres. When a door closes, a window opens.

Announcing that you’re the fan of another MLB team, but still wish Big Papi a speedy recovery seems unnecessarily superfluous to me. Like the ‘unnecessarily’ in the previous sentence.

A little birdie tells me Brooks Koepka is one to watch at the U.S. Open this weekend.

For some, NORK refers to North Korea, but to me, it will always stand for ‘North Andover’s Rob Konrad.’

Go beat Finland now (so to speak) and finish the job, Bruins.

It’s always nice to know there’s a Godzilla movie in the theaters.

Old and busted: 53 man roster projections. New Hotness? 45 Man Roster Projections!

I think the Red Sox would play better if they could hear the disappointment in Joe Castiglione’s voice like the rest of us.

Honk if you remember Sweeney’s Gay Nineties.

Best bet this weekend? USWNT.

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Errata and Apology

It has been brought to our attention that the David Ortiz Special Commemorative Edition Jersey for sale at the BJBStoreJ contains an error. To wit, that Boston Red Sox home jerseys historically do not have player names stitched onto the back. We at The Journal regret the error. Although one could argue the mistake actually makes the jersey *more* valuable, like a misprinted postage stamp or double stamped coin. Nevertheless, we will not increase the price of the jersey.

(Thank you’s to eagle-eyed readers like Mr. Luka Paulus of UniformMaven Blog for first noticing the error and calling it to our attention.)

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Get Well, Get Well Soon Big Papi

No, WE salute YOU.

Everyone here at The Journal was shocked and saddened to learn Sunday that David Ortiz was shot in the leg, or possibly in Venezuela, during a burglarobbery of some sort. Imagine our increased shock and sadness when we found out that none of that happened as originally reported, and that Papi (as he’s called) was actually more gravely wounded.

Red Sox Slugger David Américo Ortiz Arias. OOTG’s

Here then, offered for your purchasing consideration at the BJBStoreJ, (link) a Special Commemorative Edition Jersey like the one Big Pappi wore during his time in Boston. This pristine jersey in cocaine white with blood red lettering makes a smart addition to the closet of any fan. It features the team name in those funny letters on the front and his name and iconic jersey numeral sewn on the obverse. 1% of the proceeds go to the David Ortiz foundation, naturally. We’re not one to tell you how to fan, but if there’s a better way to show your re24pect for Dave, we don’t know what it is. Thank you. PapiStrong.

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Chad Finn’s Sports Machine Returns!

A little something to entertain you between games one and two of today’s doubleheader against the Rays.

Originally broadcast March 21, 2014.

Music- Organ playing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’, fades out and a recording of “March To The Trenches” swells up

Peter Abraham’s Voice-over: It’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, Boston.com sportswriter, Chad Finn .

Chad Finn: Welcome to this evening’s special edition of the Sports Machine, one dedicated to a sport that is said combines the two worst things about America, violence punctuated by committee meetings; Football. [pause for laughs – none occur] And here to play are two folks well known around these parts, first, Boston Globe NFL/Patriots beat writer Ben Volin!

[Volin, texting on his phone, walks past Finn’s outstretched hand and eventually bumps into his contestant’s podium, knocking his sunglasses off] Ben Volin: Hi there Chad, when did you get here?

Chad Finn: A while ago, Ben. What charity will you be playing for?

Ben Volin: The PennStart Program, they refurbish urban tennis courts in the Greater Boston area. I hope to be, you know… good help for them. Good help.

Chad Finn: Very well, and opposing Ben, or should I say, lining up across the neutral zone, [winces] is Boston Globe Sports columnist emeritus, Bob Ryan! [Bob shakes hands with Chad and shuffles over to his podium]

Bob Ryan: Glad to be here Chad. My charity will be the Sons of Willie McDonough Youth Darts League.

Chad Finn: Most excellent. Let us engage the sports machine. Gentlemen, to assuage the feelings of some sensitive souls, the questions tonight will focus exclusively on football. All right, hands on buzzers. [he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that Chad reads ] Who said ‘If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead?” [Volin buzzes in]

Ben Volin: Mr. John W. Henry! [Incorrect answer SFX buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: Sorry, Bob? [Bob does nothing] [time’s up buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: The answer was humorist Erma Bombeck. Easily the distaff equal to Mark Russell in humor.

Chad Finn: Bob Ryan will have control of the board, and here are the Big Board categories; “George Carlin: right again!”, “What a Pottsville Maroon”, “Habsburgs, Ottomans and Patriots”, “Laughingstock Franchises”, “The Sainted Mara Family”, “Not a Football Town” and “Puffed or Stuffed?”

Bob Ryan: I’ll select “The Sainted Mara Family” for $400. Chad Finn: Timothy Mara’s great-granddaughter Kate Mara, appears on what Netflix show?

Bob Ryan: Netflix, whazzat, those red kiosk things by the Walgreens? They show programs? [Volin buzzes in]

Ben Volin: House of Cards, Chad. [correct answer bell rings]

Chad Finn: Correct. Ben Volin: Ummm…I’ll go with “Puffed or Stuffed” for $600 then.

Chad Finn: Eating the dish known in Japan as ‘Fugu’, if ill-prepared can be almost as dangerous to your health as playing football, what animal is it derived from?

Ben Volin: The quahog, stuffed quahog, stuffies? [Incorrect answer SFX buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: Sorry, incorrect. Bob Ryan?

Bob Ryan: Fugu? Isn’t that that urbanwear that all the hippetyhop guys dress in?

Chad Finn: No, not really; do you have an answer to the question?

Bob Ryan: Can I get a chair or something? My prostate is blown up like a pufferfish… [correct answer bell rings]

Chad Finn: I guess that counts. Stay “Puffed” or new category?

Bob Ryan: “Not a Football Town” for $1000.

Chad Finn: This New England based team ran out of steam and rolled away in after the 1931 season, what city was it based- [Chad is interrupted by a group of men in coveralls]

Foreman- We need to measure this room for Mr. Henry.

Chad Finn: What? That’s not right, I’m taping a show righ-[stops, a frozen grin forms on his face] it’s a good thing that Mr. Henry needs my studio for his own needs. A good thing. Thanks to Ben and Bob, who is tonight’s winner, we’ll be back next Friday, somewhere, with another show, hopefully.

Peter Abraham Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine” this week. Good night.

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Friday Toons Dump

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 6/5

Sweeping up the debris from sports reactor #4-

Who’s gonna be the starting TE for New England when the season kicks off? Probably one of the players they have on the roster then.

Boston Bruins player Charlie Coyle is from Weymouth, MA? Why am I just hearing about this now?!

Look on the bright side Austin Seferian-Jenkins; you’ll always be a former Patriot if you ever get yourself arrested.

David Price is still holding all the cards. And the local scribes hate that.

Hey Sudbury’s Duck Soup: get to work making new Sky Bars, willya?

People who work with words should understand the difference between ‘optional’ and ‘mandatory.’ IMO.

Barstool’s Mexican President Portnoy WASN’T a victim of battery due to the legal theory of ‘quisquiliae hominem.’

I think I’ve called Tom Brady ‘The Pharoah’ more times than I’ve called him ‘Tom Terrific.” (shrug)

I want Tom Brady (or more correctly, the TEB Capital Management employee who does such things) to apply for trademark protection for ‘The Sultan of Swat” and “Willis Reed.”

However, my buddy Wayne’s Fatha wants TB12 to trademark “TOM THE TERRIBLE TURKEY WHO SAID TOODLELOO TO TRYING.” That’s a thing he made up back in 2010. Said he was ‘right at the time.’

I wonder what ‘Jeopardy James’ is gonna do with his newly won $2,464,216.

Low thread count or not, this Barstool Bruins towel has already cleaned up *my* toxic masculinity on several non-consecutive occasions!

Toronto Raptors versus the Golden State Warriors is like some sort of regional armed conflict that leaves an outside neutral observer with the desire that both sides somehow manage to lose.

Not for nothing, unnamed Fenway Park head groundskeeper featured in the WEEI weight loss ads: but I wouldn’t have recognized you BEFORE you lost 70 pounds, never mind now. Sorrey!

Nobody:

NBCSports/Boston website: MOAR SLIDESHOWS!!

Cakes are cookin’ today for Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Robert Kraft.

I’m legit excited to see how many of my songs don’t make the transition from iTunes to Apple’s successor app.

Remember this name; William. Patriots. Bendetson.

It’s ‘Bad Takes Week’ over to The MMQB? Do I need to type the punchline?

It’s been over 50 years since a St. Louis team bested a Boston squad in a championship, Bruins. No pressure.

It just occurred to me: Boston has Duckboats AND Swan Boats.

Don’t look now, but Howie’s Kid won the ‘Good Guy Award’ given out by the Professional Football Writers of America. Again.

And yes; they call it that without a hint of irony or self-reflection.

You ever get the feeling that someone who claims on Twitter they went to college in Rhode Island, or tells famous sports figures in improbably diverse locales exactly what he is thinking regarding their teams may be lying?

Feels like it might rain later.

The Venn diagram of “Chara should suck it up and play!” opiners and “Guys who haven’t worked in five years because of a ‘bad back'” is a circle.

Nice trophy, John W. Henry. The one for the footie match, too.

Honk if you remember Pleasure Island in Wakefield.

Best bet for Thursday Night? Black. And Gold.

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The Triumvirate of Terrible

When these three are the best your network has to offer, it’s time to blow the whole thing up and start over.

BTW, if you were curious which you weren’t, that board Mazz was holding had the number 10 on it. Meaning Mazz thinks Chris Sale deserves ALL of the blame for the Sox’s slow start. Clean up all that blood from you pounding your head on the desk.

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