On April 28, 2018, the National Weather Service issued a Flash Flood warning for the Southern California offices of The Ringer.
That day, Ringer founder/Big Patriots Fan California Bill Simmons took to the Twitter machine after reading a piece from Absentee Boston Globe NFL writer/Mittens Wearing Dullard Ben Volin, who was unimpressed with the Patriots 2018 off-season to date.
Hard to argue with this piece – Brady turns 42 this year. BB is treating this draft like any other Pats draft which is hard to understand. Either win-now/use the picks OR plan-for-future/take Lamar/etc. Bears trade was bizarre. D is barren. No future QB.https://t.co/RMHAYO0szi— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) April 28, 2018#CaliforniaBillTypical
California Bill, pants soaked, felt the need to tweet this less than 3 months after the Patriots lost Super Bowl 52.
After New England’s 7th straight AFC Championship Game.
After the Pats appeared in 3 out of 4 Super Bowls.
After winning 2 of those 3 Super Bowls.
Yup, these are my mediots.
In case you’d rather not give Globe NFL writer/Mittens Wearing Dullard Ben Volin a click, here’s some lowlights from last season’s Patriots postmortem:
And with the first three rounds in the book, the Patriots’ draft haul feels . . . underwhelming.
They entered the draft with picks 23, 31, 43, 63 and 95. Here’s what they came away with:
A guard/tackle, a running back, a cornerback and a veteran offensive tackle.
They didn’t even use all five picks. They divested the No. 43 Jimmy Garoppolo pick twice, turning it into a fourth-round pick and a 2019 second-rounder.
In a word — yuck.
Where was that speedy linebacker that they badly need? Or the pass rushing help?
And how about that young quarterback they need to groom behind a 41-year-old Tom Brady? As of now it’s still just Brady and Brian Hoyer on the roster, and Brady’s clock is ticking ever faster.
It’s one thing to trade away a current second-round pick for a future first-rounder. But a current two for a future two? There wasn’t one player that the Patriots felt could help the team this year? Bill Belichick majored in economics at Wesleyan — surely he understands the money principle that a dollar today is worth more than a dollar tomorrow, right?
Huh? Most mediot criticism of Bill Belichick is laughable, but criticism from a Mittens Wearing Dullard who needs a GPS to find Gillette Stadium because he visits so infrequently? Yeah, not buying it.
The piece that had Simmons evacuating his bladder isn’t done. Mittens also thinks that the Patriots were out to confuse him after the Garoppolo trade:
The cynical explanation is that Belichick is trying to obscure the return for Garoppolo because he knows how lopsided of a deal it was against the Patriots. Instead of taking a player with the 43rd pick, or even two players after a trade, Belichick keeps kicking the can down the road, trying to confuse us as to the real return on Garoppolo. No. 43 became Nos. 51 and 117. No. 51 became No. 105 and a future second-rounder. No. 117 and 63 were used to draft Dawson. Confusing, right? Just how Belichick and the Patriots want it.
<<Insert joke about confusing Mittens here.>>
Now, the finish – you can almost hear the gears in Mittens’ head grinding to a stop as he wraps up:
The Patriots didn’t add much youth to their defense, and didn’t make a play for a young franchise quarterback. They entered with five high picks, and came away with three rookies and a right tackle, none of whom fit the team’s most glaring needs.
This weekend’s draft could have been a home run, but feels like a squandered opportunity.
I’ll grant you this is typical boiler plate idiocy from Volin and it’s business as usual at John Henry’s Red Sox Rooters Gazette, but surely Big Pats Fan California Bill, after witnessing 2 decades of ridiculous success up close, would dry his Me Undies and look back at an impeccable Belichick/Brady track record.
Keep searching for impact guys on either side of the ball and they are just hard to find on the 2018 Patriots … where are they?— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) September 24, 2018
Big Pats fan California Bill: “Our All-Pro tight end is basically on his last legs. It’s basically over at this point.”— Displaced Bostonian (@Ironhead334) October 22, 2018
—Do we believe in Lamar? Trubisky? The Chiefs D? The Pats at all?
—Who’s the Nobody Believes In Us Team?
—My Million Dollar Picks for Round 1https://t.co/yheuT3Tl18— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) January 4, 2019
New BS Podcast: The Pats suck, Dallas sucks, gambling sucks, fantasy football sucks, everyone sucks but the Chargers with @thecousinsal. Oh and we did Parent Corner.https://t.co/AmcZj3tdxG— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 17, 2018
Other than Brady tearing his ACL in 2008, of all the Belichick regular seasons, this might be the single bleakest Patriots week.— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 20, 2018
This might mean nothing or it might mean something.
—Pats on pace to give up most points in any Belichick season
—Pats might be under +100 for point differential for first time in 13 seasons
BTW +315 in 2007 was amazing pic.twitter.com/jtpgq5dx1K— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 10, 2018
I can’t say I’m enjoying the Sony Michel era.— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) September 24, 2018
Does California Bill know his stuff, or what?
Everyone’s been that reactionary asshole following your team at one time or another. It’s unavoidable. Mittens hit a nerve triggering a bout of uncontrollable shoe-pissing with California Bill, and PTSD reared its ugly head. It happens for those who hail from the mean streets of Greenwich, CT. Throw in Simmons’ bizarre obsession with Lamar Jackson, disdain for Sony Michel, and a brain dimmed by a decade of discussing wagers he never actually placed with Cousin Sal, and it makes sense.
If I’ve learned one thing as a fan of Boston Sports, it’s this: find some serenity. A safe place. A place where the takes are full of insight and wisdom is abundant. I’m grateful social media helped me find that place – the place where Mittens Volin’s work is summed up perfectly.