I’d wager Ben Volin is freebasing cocaine

A person prepares to smoke cocaine. And possibly write about Brandin Cooks. (Technically baking soda is for crack. You would use ammonia to freebase. I learned that from a 23-year-old with a bachelor’s degree in religious studies.)

The back of house in a Stoughton Dunks is a weird scene if you’re doing things right.

Get four or five of these 23-year-old anthropology grads on your crew and things get schwifty real fast. It only takes about six weeks before a soul-crippling reality sets in for those Bridgwater softies — fast food retail is the slow suffocation of your dreams. I’d say they die a little inside, but crew member Brent, who’s been here 14 years and got a philosophy degree at Bates, calls it “malignant nihilism.”

Eventually, in the middle of a slow shift, they stumble aimlessly into the kitchen and see a whole crew of like-minded nihilists running high-level experiments on hard drugs. All of these kids took a chemistry elective, so the sweet science can get pretty intense.

And that’s why I’m certain Ben Volin is freebasing cocaine.

A good free-base high is a quick trip up. In a flash, you have a team of empowered donut freaks scrubbing the dining room from stem to stern. You know why there is zero gum under my tables? Freebase cocaine, that’s why. You see the same thing from the Boston Globe’s NFL writer. This stout, little dude is always wound up with gumption. Look at how he offers to fix the Patriots salary cap…

He doesn’t even work there! Stepping up to do math for a team of highly paid experts? That’s the move of a basehead 10 minutes into his high.

And he was still in that mind set as recently as this week…

The delusions are also a dead giveaway. This is a guy who wanted to cut Brandin Cooks so the Patriots could franchise Jimmy Garoppolo. He said that the Pats could get a first-round pick for Garoppolo that way. And then the Pats traded Cooks for a first-round pick! This loon thinks he can build a Super Bowl roster? He is a fucking mad man high on free-form coke, and I love it!

Granted, I have no direct knowledge that Volin uses drugs of any sort. But if I had to bet, you know where my money is going. And how could I bet any other way? He also said Cooks wasn’t worth $8.5 million. Cooks got double that on his next contract with the Rams. And that’s how you know the editors in Boston are hitting that same pipe, because they let this weirdo keep doing it. He wanted to give Matt Forte a three or four-year deal … in 2016! And I love it, because I have a team of overeducated, underemployed drug cooks who keep me lit on the regular. When I see Volin has posted his thoughts on roster moves, I buy a gallon of ammonia and call my connection in Duxbury.

Of course, there is a deep bottom with freebase that you have to be careful with. You see it with Ben all the time. The Patriots are in a “downward spiral.” “Cut Dwayne Allen.” That’s when you know the heaviness has hit the way it always does — hard and without mercy. I’d imagine he’s a salty, then-skinned, testy creep with a serotonin deficiency prone to wild mood swings and incoherent ramblings. The type to stir confrontations in the middle of the night and shriek at children.

I hope he rolls through my drive-thru sometime. Shit will get weird.

Patrick Sporn is a native of Savin Hill, MA. He has a doctorate from the Columbia School of Journalism and is a Shift Leader at Dunkin’ Donuts.

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Author: patricksporn

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