Keefespiracy: Dick Teeth Is A Lizard Person
As you may unfortunately know, Rick “Rich” “Teeth” Keefe is a conspriacy theorist. Get it? Like Rainier Wolfcastle says: that’s the joke. It’s funny, right? Like did we actually land on the moon, or nah? He’s really sticking it to you moon truthers. In a world where staring off blankly into space wearing Mizuno batting gloves and holding a whiffle ball bat is also seen as subversive, Rick Keefe is our overlord.
But here’s a Keefespriacy that will blow your dick back: the man is a lizard person.
- He appears to have a lifeless response to many forms of conversation, almost as if he is simulating human interaction. Why would someone respond so frequently to another person speaking with “ok” and “yup?” There is such a thing as being a good active listener. But this is not an example of that – this is something else entirely.
- Why does he repeat a fragment of what a speaker just said? If, for example, his corpulent co-host says “Ho ho I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention one Raymond Jean Bourque…” why on earth does Rick parrot back “You’d be remiss if you didn’t mention…” trailing off as if he’s processing the information? It’s simply because he is taking the thought into his brain and taking the time to process it from human to lizard and back to human so he may carry on some semblance of a conversation.
- While seemingly an evolved humanoid, it at times becomes very difficult for Rick to disguise his latent reptilian tendencies. Lizard people are cunning and very adept at integrating into society, but on their own, they are not great thinkers. When exposed to repeated behavior around them that resembles that of their own species it has been known to exacerbate their lizardness – to act as a force multiplier. To wit: Decades of exposure to stupid takes and opinions from HUMANS has unalterably reverted Rick’s lizard brain back to its most base reptillan state, making it more and more difficult to hide. This is why a human might feel some sense of shame or regret when repeatedly making stupid predictions with 100% confidence. Rick’s brain has been rewired so it cannot feel those emotions. So despite twenty years of evidence that Bill Belichick knows what he is doing, Rick cannot help but react in his most base, lizardlike way.
I think it would be a grave mistake to hate Rick for his stupidity. Instead, we should celebrate the fact that a dull little lizard boy has grown up to reach the heights of being demoted to middays on the second highest rated sports station in Boston. Boston – Hub of the Lizard People Universe.
Authored by Mike on Route 1