Chad Finn’s Sports Machine Returns!

A little something to entertain you between games one and two of today’s doubleheader against the Rays.

Originally broadcast March 21, 2014.

Music- Organ playing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’, fades out and a recording of “March To The Trenches” swells up

Peter Abraham’s Voice-over: It’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, sportswriter, Chad Finn .

Chad Finn: Welcome to this evening’s special edition of the Sports Machine, one dedicated to a sport that is said combines the two worst things about America, violence punctuated by committee meetings; Football. [pause for laughs – none occur] And here to play are two folks well known around these parts, first, Boston Globe NFL/Patriots beat writer Ben Volin!

[Volin, texting on his phone, walks past Finn’s outstretched hand and eventually bumps into his contestant’s podium, knocking his sunglasses off] Ben Volin: Hi there Chad, when did you get here?

Chad Finn: A while ago, Ben. What charity will you be playing for?

Ben Volin: The PennStart Program, they refurbish urban tennis courts in the Greater Boston area. I hope to be, you know… good help for them. Good help.

Chad Finn: Very well, and opposing Ben, or should I say, lining up across the neutral zone, [winces] is Boston Globe Sports columnist emeritus, Bob Ryan! [Bob shakes hands with Chad and shuffles over to his podium]

Bob Ryan: Glad to be here Chad. My charity will be the Sons of Willie McDonough Youth Darts League.

Chad Finn: Most excellent. Let us engage the sports machine. Gentlemen, to assuage the feelings of some sensitive souls, the questions tonight will focus exclusively on football. All right, hands on buzzers. [he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that Chad reads ] Who said ‘If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead?” [Volin buzzes in]

Ben Volin: Mr. John W. Henry! [Incorrect answer SFX buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: Sorry, Bob? [Bob does nothing] [time’s up buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: The answer was humorist Erma Bombeck. Easily the distaff equal to Mark Russell in humor.

Chad Finn: Bob Ryan will have control of the board, and here are the Big Board categories; “George Carlin: right again!”, “What a Pottsville Maroon”, “Habsburgs, Ottomans and Patriots”, “Laughingstock Franchises”, “The Sainted Mara Family”, “Not a Football Town” and “Puffed or Stuffed?”

Bob Ryan: I’ll select “The Sainted Mara Family” for $400. Chad Finn: Timothy Mara’s great-granddaughter Kate Mara, appears on what Netflix show?

Bob Ryan: Netflix, whazzat, those red kiosk things by the Walgreens? They show programs? [Volin buzzes in]

Ben Volin: House of Cards, Chad. [correct answer bell rings]

Chad Finn: Correct. Ben Volin: Ummm…I’ll go with “Puffed or Stuffed” for $600 then.

Chad Finn: Eating the dish known in Japan as ‘Fugu’, if ill-prepared can be almost as dangerous to your health as playing football, what animal is it derived from?

Ben Volin: The quahog, stuffed quahog, stuffies? [Incorrect answer SFX buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: Sorry, incorrect. Bob Ryan?

Bob Ryan: Fugu? Isn’t that that urbanwear that all the hippetyhop guys dress in?

Chad Finn: No, not really; do you have an answer to the question?

Bob Ryan: Can I get a chair or something? My prostate is blown up like a pufferfish… [correct answer bell rings]

Chad Finn: I guess that counts. Stay “Puffed” or new category?

Bob Ryan: “Not a Football Town” for $1000.

Chad Finn: This New England based team ran out of steam and rolled away in after the 1931 season, what city was it based- [Chad is interrupted by a group of men in coveralls]

Foreman- We need to measure this room for Mr. Henry.

Chad Finn: What? That’s not right, I’m taping a show righ-[stops, a frozen grin forms on his face] it’s a good thing that Mr. Henry needs my studio for his own needs. A good thing. Thanks to Ben and Bob, who is tonight’s winner, we’ll be back next Friday, somewhere, with another show, hopefully.

Peter Abraham Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine” this week. Good night.


Author: scartsybjbsj

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