3/26/20 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Stay indoors. Inside is your friend.

Gotta keep those storm windows up until baseball starts? Is that really one of the unwrittens?

I’m hearing that the Patriots uniform change involves really REALLY big Flying Elvises on the shoulder pads. Keep that to yourselves.

Coach Bill needs Chef Jen’s PR person.

I hope Mr. Jacobs can still go out horse jumping or whatever it’s called to take his mind of how universally loathed he and his family are.

Kudos to Tom Brady for matching Drew Brees and donating 5 milllion magic pliability beans!

When baseball finally starts, I predict the Red Sox will bring back trough urinals in the men’s rooms as a measure to bring fans closer together after a difficult period of social distancing. So good! So good!

I enjoy the pseudo-puritanism that makes the Commonwealth refer to liquor stores as ‘package stores’. There; I said it.

Cakes are coking for James Caan, Marshall Faulk, and Keira Knightly.

Happy trails, Mr. Gostkowski. I don’t understand how you became a Rorschach Test for Huge Patriots Fans, but you were appreciated.

But what if getting blocked on Twitter by a vapid adulteress is the sort of thing to make me contemplate suicide? What then, lady?

Calling it the ‘novel coronavirus’ is like pronouncing the country Pakistan as ‘Pockistan’.

It’s #OpeningDayAtHome. To pass the time the 2018 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox would like to offer coloring books for your kids! Only $79.

Please stop sending dick pics to Diana Russini. She sees enough penises at work.

Pretty soon it’ll be just Tawm E. and a volleyball left on his island. Everyone has left. Sad!

Remember, gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: ‘High corners for fast action!’

Why doesn’t somebody be ask Kyle Van Noy how to stop the Covid? Surely he knows!

So I called up Monaco and asked, “Do you have Prince Albert in quarantine?” and they said ‘Yes’ and then I said, “Well you better keep him there until the virus has run its course.” and hung up.

‘Everyone forgets that Stephen Gostkowski is Evel Knievel’s nephew.’ – Bill Simmons, probably.

I remain convinced Market Basket won’t ever run out of sawdust.

Counting flowers on the wall, that don’t bother me at all. Playing solitaire ’til dawn with a deck of fifty one. Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo; Now don’t tell me I’ve nothing to do.

Honk if you remember tan M & M’s.


Wonder what Edelman meant by Foxboro forever?

Dale for real looked exactly like my dead Nana in his pink sweatshirt picture.

Shhhhh. Quiet now, The walls have teeth.

With all this free time, I should probably have prepped for this column. Ah well.

In retrospect, Tom may have held that kiss with his kid for a half-second too long.

Best bet for the weekend? Marble Racing, what else?

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, #the15 and NFLInsiderJoeyJoJoJuniorShabadoo @cpaul512 were used in this column.


Author: scartsybjbsj

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