04/15/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Direct deposit? No thanks; I want Louise Linton to hand-deliver my stimulus money.

April 15th Boston sports, Amirite?

It’s not easy for The Boston Globe to be of a character lower than its financial valuation, but damned if they don’t consistently manage it.

Jay Mane? is that one of Bob Kraft’s rapster friends?

‘Pandemic’ sounds like someone Danny would draft ‘n stash.

You’re lying if you’re not worried that that big NFL announcement teased by weirdo Jay Glazer happening tonight isn’t about disciplining the Patriots, again.

If ESPN is demanding 15% payroll cuts, FS1 must be paying their talent in Teddy Twenties.

Support your local media during this crisis and buy a subscription to the Phoenix. Maybe place an ad. Whatever; it’s your scene.

I didn’t know Kyle Larson was from Agawam. The things you learn!

Fenway Park needs a protocol that allows fans to stare wistfully at the Pesky Pole from an acceptable social distance.

Who here besides mittens losing dullards believes NFL players have been ‘chased off fields’ by police during this pandemic?

Yes, Jackie Robinson, Important American, blah, blah, blah. I don’t like everyone wearing the same #42 jerseys. There, I said it.

Tyvex? Typar? Tyvex.

Cakes are cooking for Michael Kamen, Evelyn Ashford, Kevin Stevens, and Linda Perry.

I hope you can’t catch the virus from your own tears, because I haven’t stopped crying over Brock Holt.

Dr Fauci; Hero or Chinese spy?

The way I see it, Bill the GM is either going to trade up, trade down, or stand pat at pick #23.

Knock-Knock. ‘Who’s there?’ Ken Laird. ‘Ken Laird who?’ EXACTLY.

Who is it Charlie Baker reminds me of?

Enjoy a well-earned retirement, World Series MVP Steve Pearce.

Even social distancing, Pasta is a Good Kid.

Spearchucker Jones died? Are we allowed to talk about that?

For the love of God, please give us a Netflix series starring Craig Evigan.

Between humans and counterfeit masks, you have to wonder what else Bob Kraft is trafficking. We know we can rule out weapons. Thanks, Bill the GM.

Santander Bank would never have moved into New England if they know how their name would be pronounced in the Greater Boston area.

Watching the Celtics replays, I don’t think Larry would have used one of those neoprene shooting sleeves, knowing as we do he didn’t like to wear rubber appliances on other body parts.

Tom Brady may prefer Botox, but the only thing I need to keep me young are the BoSox.

I hope Ray Allen was able to make lemonade from lemons and got to work through his OCD by sorting through his hate mail from Celtics fans.

Wonder if Steve Kerr needs to study up on if it’s okay for McDonalds in China to ban black people?

In the supermarket there is music while you work. It drives you crazy, sends you screaming for the door. Work there for a year or two and you can get to like it; I don’t work in supermarkets anymore. It’s so easy, it’s so easy. Grab can, lift arm, stack can, turn around.
It’s so easy, it’s so easy. Do the instant mash, do the instant mash. Do the instant mash, make an instant smash. – Doin’ the instant mash.

I’m still avoiding going driving at certain times of the day to avoid the school buses! Crazy, right?

Who makes a finer London Broil than Bickford’s?

It’ll be grayer than the Nantucket mist at casa di Merloni if there’s a damn run on damn shoe polish.

Honk if you knew Tom Brady, Senior was almost a priest.

I still haven’t heard a great “My Sharona” pandemic parody. Time is running out to nail that before they perfect a vaccine.

Who wants an Entitled Town Bingo Card? Let me know in the comments.

I had no strong feelings about Hank Steinbrenner. RIP.

Best bet for the weekend: weed and feed applications for the lawn.

Love your lawn.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, TikTok, other writers, league and team sources, #the15, and BSMW Message Board Participants ‘Lebron’, ‘jforb’ and ‘Lefty’ were used in this column.

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Author: scartsybjbsj

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