07/08/2020 Vigilantly Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer (Phase 3 Step 1)

That’s right. They’re back, bitches.

Source: the Patriots and RB Rex Burkhead have agreed to a reworked final year of his contract. Burkhead gets $550K to sign and drops his base salary from $2.5M to $1.05M, with $400K available in roster bonuses (down from $500K). The move creates $981,250 in cap space.

Hope everyone used Heinz over the holiday weekend.

“Is it possible Donnie Fitzpatrick was just getting those clubhouse attendants ready for Hands Across America?” is definitely an angle Sam Kennedy has pitched to Bob Hohler.

Do two swaggers equal one duende?

NECCO Wafers are back in stores. America is great again.

If Cam Newton could openly admit his long-term relationship with an ex-stripper, what’s stopping Lou Merloni?

Aloha means both goodbye and hello, @NEPDLoyko! Aloha.

Sometime last season the final double-switch in National League history took place. And YOU didn’t realize it at the time. Weep.

Poor-mouthing the USA on the Fourth of July? That Kaep really knows how to pick his spots.

Cakes are cooking for Kevin Bacon and several other people who are only connected to him by sharing a birthday.

Who could have predicted a pass-catching, run-blocking, special teams playing running back would earn a contract extension on Coach Belicheck’s team? Hail Rex.

I miss Anna Horford. She was a delight.

An IndyCar race and a NASCAR event the same day at The Brickyard? Wow! Anyone participate in both? No? Still historical, I suppose.

I’d like to see David Price make $30 million playing Fortnite. Because I think he would do good things with that money.

Blehhh! The Player needs to shut his mouth, stop expressing himself and take the next snap or dribble or whatever it is those people do. And if you think this is racist, I hate Tom Brady’s wife and children more than cancer. Try canceling me now, society. Blehhhh!

I’m happy for the Fraggle. Anytime you can make someone the highest paid player in a sport with a hard salary cap you have to do it.

Stay with me here: Ray Jay as Kanye’s veep.

Just look at that damn Patriots ‘3 Percenter’ kicker favorably posting a dubious Hitler quote. What? DeSean Jackson? Really? Well that kinda upends my outrage.

You? You’re more Nantasket than Nantucket. 

They should take down the statue of The Text Line for the atrocities he committed against WEEI.

You’d think with all the ritalin he abuses B*rst**l’s Mexican President would have remembered to apply for federal PPP money.  But all’s well that ends well.

For context, $500 million in pennies is 500 million X 100. Glad I helped.

Speaking of pennies, sad to hear about the recent, tragic passing of Todd Gack. #dutchlivesmatter #KLM

Getting the feeling Bill Simmons used a bell curve to visually illustrate the Ewing Theory.

Where’s Dino been? OBF is on a island.

Journalistic mentors should teach you to avoid making fallacious, torturous analogies, and not passing on shopworn bromides as their own quotations.

Why didn’t Loyko come back before the NFL draft? Weird.

If the Red Sox aren’t preparing an Old Timer’s Zoom to run on the scoreboard, I’ll be crestfallen.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Mine is steamed broccoli!

Wait, we won the Civil War. Can’t Washington just take the Falcons nickname from Confederate Atlanta as the spoils of war? I say yes. Problem solved.

Hey there y’all, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “guarantee mechanisms.”

Best wishes to Network TV Anchor & Nationally Syndicated Talk Show Host Mark Benarzyk-James in his new assignment, whatever that is. Toast a drink, coffee, or smoothie to Marc tonight if you can. ‘Aloha’ means goodbye, Marck. Aloha.

Is ‘Speros’ Greek for ‘snowflake’?

I hope that canned bread boutique restaurant over in the South End eventually opens.

Aub Huff. Not OOTG’S.

They way things are trending with the Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians, the clock is ticking on my old high school mascot. I better get me some Fighting Rum-Drunk Halfbreeds merchandise sooner rather than later.

Hey Dan Hausle, bring back the Freddie Mercury mustache!

I hope Bill Simmons explains why he doesn’t just hand podcasts to anyone when he’s guesting on his ten-year old son’s wrestling podcast.

“Fitzy” is Greek for “rip off.”

This Lady may have stumbled, but she ain’t never fell. And if the Russians don’t believe that they can all go straight to hell. We’re gonna put her feet back on the path of righteousness and then; God bless America again.

Seven of ten games AT Yankee Stadium? Fix! FIX!!

Tanya Ray Fox doesn’t have to worry about me telling her condescendingly or otherwise, that she knows her stuff.

“Morricone” is how Dale Arnold orders another gelato for the road when he’s picking up his takeout in Boston’s historic North End.

Shut up, you did not know that ‘Lift Every Voice and Sing’ was “The Black national anthem.”

Pablo Sandoval is overweight and there is nothing wrong with that.

All these statues coming down and no Drew Bledsoe jokes. SAD!

Honk if you remember red pistachios.

Johnny Pesky would’ve worn a mask. And that’s good enough for me.

Well the way I head it was that the Devil would have gone over the luxury tax threshold if he kept that golden fiddle into next season so he took a dive during that contest with Johnny.

Everyone getting a head start on their Joe West obituary? Good.

Has anyone seen Ted Sarandis lately?

When they said 2020 was a rough year, they didn’t know Patrick Mahomes was about to get PAID. So stoked. Now we just need Jerry J. to do right by Dak and this year will be a net win as far as I’m concerned.

Shoutout to Phoenix Minx.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox Summer Camp updates (via Zoom, of course.)

Nantasket Beach. There’s a spot. Grab the cooler.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, onlyfans, Google Translate, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW’s Own Bruce Allen, and a whole mess of suggestions by #the15 were used in this column. 

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Author: scartsybjbsj

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