08/19/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Before. And After.

Whoever had Andy Hart in the “which sports media member would have the worst COVID take” please come claim your prize. Wear a mask when you do.

That Tuukka opt-out really suuckks.

So far ‘The Player’ is the runaway leader in beat writer tracked camp stats.

Rask having Dale on speed dial isn’t all that shocking. With Dale’s reputation as a go getter and all.

Boy, Fitzy really wanted us to know he’s no homo.

Recent reports indicate that another COVID-19 side effect is that your Hart gets ratio’ed.

Gotta keep your head on a swivel, Jordan Staal.

So the ice cream truck song is racist? Well, what did Ed Markey know and when did he know it?

I guess deactivation is the ‘In’ thing to do for the late Summer 2020.

Cakes are cooking for Renée Richards, John Stamos, Tabitha Soren, and Fat Joe.

3 straight months of rehab? Classic Dino.

It’s curious that Dale keeps leaving the fellatio portion of his career out of these books. Not even one chapter?

Dame. That’s it; that’s the post.

I’m not saying that Andy Hart must make the least money out of anyone in his graduating class at Tufts, but…wait, I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying.

If Dan Lifshatz could add 1 MPH to his serve for every burner account he has, he’d probably be worthy of a scholarship.

I thought WLVI would send Jack Hynes to the DNC. Budget problems?

Vince Wilfork probably could have snuck Bianca into a hotel, unlike that Seahawks rookie. Just sayin’.

You keep Eric Clapton’s name out of your whore mouth Phoebe Bridgers!

Clowns acting like clowns SZN.

So they’re going to induce Robyn Hayward in two weeks, right? That’s what I’d want them to do.

Evan Lazar set to star in a remake of The Untouchables.

And Xander Bogaerts set to star in a remake of The Last of the Mohicans.

Imagine fighting for your country and coming home to find out your dad is blowing backup quarterbacks? Yikes.

I once broke one of baseball’s unwritten rules. Except that it wasn’t baseball, and it was indeed written down. Codified, even. Less than ideal.

Source: #Bears CB Artie Burns, who was carted off today, tore his ACL.

Brutal subtweet goes here.

The title of Fantasy Football Commissioner doesn’t hold the glamour it has in past seasons.

I confuse Yankees pitcher James Paxton with James Pullman.

Jayson Tatum; he’s just a baby!

NHL Playoff beards must be more comfortable at this time of year.

Hey spellcheckers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Hawthorne that bust Bhagwan must Khartoum.”

Bridget definitely pulled the goalie back in the day, right? I mean, come on!

Golfing!? I’m outraged!

Really, a duckboat parade during a COVID pandemic would be potentially disastrous. Thanks, Mister Henry!

How do you think the My Pillow guy sleeps, Anderson Cooper?

Nobody is better at explaining their own jokes better than Charlotte Wilder. NOBODY.

Imagine looking at Twitter and seeing only Chris Curtis and Bill Burt taking up your side. That’s even worse than a Bobby Grier Alliteration Draft.

A new Netflix series starring Donna Pescow could be refreshing.

Get help, Fuckface.

What was worse, Tuukka’s recent “dull at times” remark or Adrian Gonzalez’s “God didn’t have it in the cards” missive? Let us know in the comments.

Mensa Matt: Avenged.

That weirdo Brohio State football coach guy that tweeted out the hashtag #ilovethesemen makes me think about Gary Ganguay’s onetime follower, @premiumbukkake. I wonder if he still misses his Baby Boo Cake.

Fredgy’s group therapy participants are on week 3 of Detroit/Atlanta stories. How many suicide attempts are they up to by now? Zoinks!

Are we sure @Jack isn’t shadow deactivating?

Honk if you remember @WWIIFelger going to the convenience store, forgetting to get a bottled water for his wife, and then blatantly lying about it.

Hoping Verdugo gunning players down doesn’t become his “new thing”.

Dougie is not a name for a grown man.

You’d think by now they would be able to virtually Storrow a truck under the overpass. but no.

Best bet for the weekend: #BoldFlavors.

Dame.

material from interviews, wire services, gems from my Twitter that didn’t get near enough likes, other writers, league and team sourcesand surviving members of #the15, especially Bootleg (welcome back!), were used in this column. 

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Author: scartsybjbsj

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