The back of house in a Stoughton Dunks is a weird scene if you’re doing things right.
Get four or five of these 23-year-old anthropology grads on your crew and things get schwifty real fast. It only takes about six weeks before a soul-crippling reality sets in for those Bridgwater softies — fast food retail is the slow suffocation of your dreams. I’d say they die a little inside, but crew member Brent, who’s been here 14 years and got a philosophy degree at Bates, calls it “malignant nihilism.”
Eventually, in the middle of a slow shift, they stumble aimlessly into the kitchen and see a whole crew of like-minded nihilists running high-level experiments on hard drugs. All of these kids took a chemistry elective, so the sweet science can get pretty intense.
And that’s why I’m certain Ben Volin is freebasing cocaine.
A good free-base high is a quick trip up. In a flash, you have a team of empowered donut freaks scrubbing the dining room from stem to stern. You know why there is zero gum under my tables? Freebase cocaine, that’s why. You see the same thing from the Boston Globe’s NFL writer. This stout, little dude is always wound up with gumption. Look at how he offers to fix the Patriots salary cap…
He doesn’t even work there! Stepping up to do math for a team of highly paid experts? That’s the move of a basehead 10 minutes into his high.
And he was still in that mind set as recently as this week…
The delusions are also a dead giveaway. This is a guy who wanted to cut Brandin Cooks so the Patriots could franchise Jimmy Garoppolo. He said that the Pats could get a first-round pick for Garoppolo that way. And then the Pats traded Cooks for a first-round pick! This loon thinks he can build a Super Bowl roster? He is a fucking mad man high on free-form coke, and I love it!
Granted, I have no direct knowledge that Volin uses drugs of any sort. But if I had to bet, you know where my money is going. And how could I bet any other way? He also said Cooks wasn’t worth $8.5 million. Cooks got double that on his next contract with the Rams. And that’s how you know the editors in Boston are hitting that same pipe, because they let this weirdo keep doing it. He wanted to give Matt Forte a three or four-year deal … in 2016! And I love it, because I have a team of overeducated, underemployed drug cooks who keep me lit on the regular. When I see Volin has posted his thoughts on roster moves, I buy a gallon of ammonia and call my connection in Duxbury.
Of course, there is a deep bottom with freebase that you have to be careful with. You see it with Ben all the time. The Patriots are in a “downward spiral.” “Cut Dwayne Allen.” That’s when you know the heaviness has hit the way it always does — hard and without mercy. I’d imagine he’s a salty, then-skinned, testy creep with a serotonin deficiency prone to wild mood swings and incoherent ramblings. The type to stir confrontations in the middle of the night and shriek at children.
I hope he rolls through my drive-thru sometime. Shit will get weird.
Patrick Sporn is a native of Savin Hill, MA. He has a doctorate from the Columbia School of Journalism and is a Shift Leader at Dunkin’ Donuts.
I had to ride in my manager Steve Palonski’s Tucson a few times, as the Double-0 Corolla is burning engine oil again. Because what the fuck?
We took some trips to the Wacky Packie up in Leicester because Steve doesn’t believe me that the one in Fall River is open. I’d make a thing of it, but my semi-legal regular hook-up is getting his MBA at UMB and he’s tied up until spring break at least. And have you ever tried to get through a 6-hour shift straight? With Steve? Jesus H. Holy Fucking Christ.
Anyway, I’m tapped since like two days ago, but Steve and I can always talk Pats. Although Steve doesn’t know how to work the presets in his Hyundai so we’re stuck listening to 98.5 permanently. That’s normally fine heading back for work at Stoughton Dunks, because I’m blazed (Steve waits to smoke in the parking lot at work, because his insurance is “fucked sideways”).
So this fucking McCarthy fucker comes on, bitching about the Patriots defense. At first, I’m like, if this guy has a plan to make the Pats better, LFG! Write that shit down and fax it in to Bill (my buddy Ray’s uncle who works in Foxboro told me Bill is old-school and uses a fax – trust that intel).
But all he wants is faster players. Look, I’m not an Xs and Os guy. When the ball is snapped, I watch the ball. But all his jabber is about “speed” and “explosiveness.” And “torched by Nick Foles.” And “talent.” I’m sitting here trying to enjoy a buzz before it’s time to make the donuts and this weirdo won’t shut up about one game from last February. I might be in a semi-constant state of paranoia, but I am also a world-class bullshitter (ask Steve how I got a paid shift off to “monitor elections” in November, but don’t really, I’d rather he not think that one through). So I know an amateur bullshit artist when I see one.
I know he’s on the radio and probably has a ton of credentials to analyze football, but trust me: Matt McCarthy is an amateur bullshit artist of the highest order. When some dude on the radio talks about “speed” and “explosiveness,” it’s like when Steve tells the District Manager we’re “losing foot traffic” to the Panera by TJ Maxx. Yeah, OK, Steve…
So, I explain this to Sober Steve, who’s basically Team McCarthy.
Tells me to Google, “Matt McCarthy Patriots defense.”
I know my high is fading fast because I’m getting car sick reading this shit, but look…
That was from September. He’s telling you the 2018 Pats defense got exposed in 2017. What an asshole.
They need more talent to stop offenses without talent? I’m not saying he didn’t watch the games, but I am saying this guy drinks Kratum and writes about “talent” until he has 500 words on the screen.
And the damn defense holds the Rams to 3 points! They won Super Bowl LIII and I threw up on Lenny Clarke at the parade. Wait, that was the Sox parade. But I did light up with Steve Sweeney at this one.
Anyway, don’t get high and listen to Matt McCarthy. Total waste of money, because he shreds your buzz and then you have to deal with Steve complaining that we didn’t make enough everything bagels as if the customers don’t just get poppy instead.
Patrick Sporn is a native of Savin Hill, MA, and a Shift Leader at Dunkin’ Donuts. He has been published in Tumblr, HubSpot and the Cambridge Journal of Economics.