08/12/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

I don’t know what ‘goodbye’ is in fake Ugandan. Goodbye.

Y’all had a good laugh at the expense of UMass football for a few hours. Har de har har. Until the other Conference shoes started to fall.

Quintuple Overtime Playoff hockey just hits different.

Only upside to having no electricity is not having to confront my worst nightmare. I shudder to even author this; Abby Chin will eventually not work for NBCSports Boston.

Its sad that Kamala Harris didn’t live to see Kamala Harris get the Veep nomination.

Future NFLHC Seeking young, twitchy edge bender for light football mansplaination. Violent hands preferred. Will accept tight skin, but fluid hips are a must. All-22 friendly. No squids, catfish, or single wings.

The Baseball Paper Boston Globe is really forcing laughably positive Alex Verdugo stories on us without our consent.

It’s not the health it’s the liability.

Lucy is like keto, apparently. Once you stop all the weight comes back immediately.

Lamar Miller? I heardahim!

Between Joe Haggerty and Abby, NBCSports Boston got rid of like five Chins!

Cakes are cooking for Jim Beaver, Pat Metheny, Lynette Woodard, and Sir Mix A Lot.

Also, cakes are, and at the same time, aren’t, cooking for Erwin Schrödinger.

No ones saying it, but if YOU wore a mask we’d have college football.

I hope Kirk comes back soon. A negative podcast hosted by a cynical douche peddling contrived outrage is definitely the best and only cure for my intense depression.

What’s the Austrian word for schadenfreude? Asking for a buddy of a friend.

Celtics are gonna surprise a lot of ignorant teenagers out there on the socials, no?

Hey Zayre’s Parking Lot attendants, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Built in excuse.”

How’s that? there’s another Phrase that Pays? “do the right thing.” What?

Hey, we’re up against a hard salary cap here; I can’t have all these phrases paying out!

Well lookie there, a triple H, like the weather we’ve been having! I miss Dickie Albert.

Anthony Lynn making history.

The Bruins may be able to flip the switch in the real playoffs. I just hope Eversource isn’t providing the power.

Kamala Harris? Would.

What the fuck is that guy going to do with a kidney?

XFL coming back? Cool.

I’m glad the Rangers ‘won’ the Draft lottery. After all, Madison Square Garden is the Madison Square Garden of hockey.

Them Subaru Foresters got two mufflers.

Call me when your precocious eight year old correctly tells you ‘you were assigned female at birth, and present as an exhausting blob.’

Meems? Joke’s over. Olly olly oxen free.

Bill Russell played in a mask throughout the 1968 pandemic, but that had more to do with disguising himself while he abused baby-dicked, belt-wearing actuaries from Peoria.

I look at her and she looks at me. In her eyes I see the sea. I don’t see what she sees in a man like me. She says she loves me. Her eyes, yeah, her eyes. Her eyes are a blue million miles.

Libby Warren: drop trail of tears below.

Ah, Courtney Fallon. Good to see she has time to troll between hooker funerals.

Bad Tuesday in C-Bus.

Bert Breer hasn’t been this sad since he found out why Mumsy made him call the gardener ‘Uncle Jorge’.

We can read your LinkedIn even without having Premium, you know.

Honk if you remember a time before Shark Week.

When she lets your collegiately sharpened, newly emancipated mind run wild >>>

That tenth win for the Red Sox may not show up in the standings until September.

Best bet for the weekend: I don’t know; I wrote this on Tuesday.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. 

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08/05/2020 Atomic Controlled Detonation of the Sports Junk Drawer

First!

Did the NBCSports Boston execs make their employees click through a slideshow to see who got their walking papers?

The letters to syllables ratio on Isaias is whack.

Is @ChrisPalmerNBA an actual real reporter, or a CONSONANTS fraud like Cushy or Dov?

Atlanta milk just hits different, I guess.

Maybe the President should just have all his interviews with Dave Portnoy?

Less than ideal, Bruins.

A belated Happy Birthday to Tom Brady, and also Happy Birthday to my ex-wife of 20 years who’s sleeping with her 3rd cousin right now.

Phil Jerkovec got his waiver! It’s happening! It’s all happening!

Bo Curran should not accept being demoted to second-string Prop Dog. Fight for your job!

Good luck to the Eagles coach. If you’re going to get the virus, now is the time. No practices or games to miss.

Cakes are cooking for Maureen McCormick, Tawny Kitaen, Patrick Ewing, and Funkmaster Flex.

Has anyone made a ‘LaCosse opted out of LAST season too!’ joke yet? How’s that? Everyone did? Oh.

Irish lawyers are jealous of Jewish lawyers? Maybe my sample size is off.

Natalie Weiner is a free agent.

I have concluded that my No. 1 favorite Metallica song is No Leaf Clover. An innovative and flawlessly executed collaboration of rock and classical with the SFSO. The track simply has no weaknesses.

Celtics may be a little rusty, but Pee Pee River Man sure isn’t.

Some mistakes can’t be undone, like trading Mookie, or flubbing a perfect season-clinching interception, or choosing the theoretical safety of nameless Verizon employees over keeping our Angel of Framingham active on Twitter.

Marisa’s brain and Gabby’s face from the right angle would make the perfect sports writer.

You could hear the screams of a thousand WCT jokes that will now go untold when Gordon Hayward knelt for the anthem in a BLM shirt.

Benny misses Brock!

Does anyone notice that I try to make sure the desk drawer items about the same sport aren’t next to each other? Like decorating a Christmas tree?

Reni Santoni died. Back in the day, Larry Johnson would have a tracing of David Ortiz to commemorate. Ciao, Poppie.

I guess Greg Dickerson can finally throw that Abby Chin voodoo doll away.

Tomase has an Abby Chin doll too. His is a little different, though.

Is Dov Kleiman a collective hallucination, or just a jobless Volin?

Clear off that dining room table! Sheesh!

You can bet Pederson and Lane Johnson were having fun when they contracted the Wuhan virus.

I think my old Aerobie finally blew off the roof.

Hey there Friends of Friends of Katie, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “I may lay down again.”

Maybe there’s room in the Red Sox rotation for those recent NBCSports castoffs. Couldn’t get any worse, could it!?

Craig Pickleman Calcaterra is a free agent.

I don’t know how much they pay the Couch guy who edits @BSPsBlockedList into something coherent, but double it. Double zero is still zero, right?

Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem, Chu!

DJ Bean keeping his job through the NBCSports layoffs is clearly part of the fake-gay agenda.

Honk if you remember the Woburn location of Gourmet Burgers & Brews.

Hey, how come they don’t move National Avocado Day to Tom Brady’s Birthday? Bwahahahaha!

All these layoffs and meanwhile Steve Buckley is ensconced at The Athletic having his intern research if there was ever a baseball episode of McHale’s Navy.

Breaking News: Celtics Great Bill Russell is still very much alive.

Drop tears below, Rhode Island.

The dog that’s receiving the hug from the other dog in those viral clips does not look thrilled to be involved.

Don’t let the NBCSports layoffs distract you from the fact that Beirut was literally nuked this week.

So my order at Kroger was successful, spammer? Good to know.

Don Meineke is managing with the urgency of a man who knows he’s just keeping the seat warm for Alex Cora.

NBCSB did the American taxpayer a huge solid, waiting until right after the $600 unemployment benefit expired to axe a shitload of employees. Hope Tanguay invested his Knives Out residuals. God Bless the USA.

There’s a stick tap waiting for when you get back, Textsy.

What with ‘them’ upping subscription costs Boston Sports Journal is probably newly solvent. And hiring. Probably.

Best bet for the weekend: it’s a tossup; light yard cleanup/COBRA coverage.

Lonely. Score some points, Bruins.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW participants Coma and NASCLand #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/31/2020 Bonus Return of Sports Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

‘Love Us?’ GTFO.

Yes, yes, I know; the NWSL and clam basketball returned already and they’re pro sports too. Shut up.

Is the magic number the same for the Marlins and Red Sox right now?

I’d sure like to opt-out of 2020. do ya feel me?

#ThankYouKirk for dismantling the Dennis and Callahan show from the inside.

I’m a hundred time more angry about the Celtics players wearing ‘Love Us’ than Hayward’s ‘Education Reform’ message. Those real fancy boys should have to play wearing Joe Mayo’s fur coat the whole game. “Want me! Love me! Shower me with kisses!”

How about Patrick Chung, opting out yet still taking down guys in the offseason?

I wish there was a handy resource where I could find out who Bill Simmons’ 14 year old daughter is following on Tik Tok.

Pfft. Dummies thought Marchy was hurt. Rubes.

No shared ketchup bottles allowed in restaurants any more must be killing @bigjimmurray‘s menchies.

Pats need to come out to T Swift tbh

If Portnoy gets to interview Putin next, does he ask him how he got so great at hockey?

Get help, Fuckface.

Kraft is making the players opt out so he doesn’t have to pay them, and also to distract Q-Anon, who is closing in on his human trafficking ring.

Kirk Minihane kills himself like Brett Favre retires.

I wouldn’t trust the league that ‘didn’t include the science, no sir’ to figure out on the fly how to keep me safe from COVID, either.

TBH, I hate both sides of the Joe Kelly argument.

I feel bad for all the other Ghislaine’s out there, don’t you?

I bet the reason Baseball has so many unwritten rules is because if they set them down on paper they’d realize a lot of them are really fucking stupid.

Who are the dummies who think the game is to post a Snoopy gif the fastest? Jerks! The game is to draw in the unaware.

Maybe Minihane’s most recent bout of mental illness will teach him that seeking out and obsessing about things to be outraged by is not a healthy pursuit. Or not.

Lou Schwechheimer can’t be the name of a real person.

Geez, Ma, is that Market Basket giant loaf of bread that you feed to the birds a good use of limited refrigerator space?

Tawm C. is now trampolining off Ken fucking Laird. Sad to see.

Why is it okay to dehumanize Robyn Hayward; because she doesn’t need 4 different filters to look attractive on social media?

I’m mostly sure I thought John McNamara died a couple years before Walpole Joe Morgan did.

And speaking of dead people, John Lewis’ mourning period is going to outlast the length of this MLB season.

800 Dunkins are closing, which means there are still 800,000 more to go.

Seize the opportunity, Honey Dew!

Who’s thirstier? Fred Toucher or @MarkPiselli13?

Best bets on COVID-19 testing results? Very attractive overs in Tampa, Houston and Oakland.

Dale Arnold and Dave O’Brien are the same person. Prove me wrong.

Pasta is a Good Kid.

Still, that Minihane produces more content from a rubber room than Entitled Town has all summer.

People have been calling me a pessimist for years. But while my severe anxiety and depression brought on by childhood trauma impacts how I think about most things, including baseball, I wasn’t wrong about this team. In fact, they’re even worse than I thought.

Is Bo Curran away at college with Chuck Cunningham?

Marisa Ingemi is still a free agent.

Change the name of the Gary Pettis Bridge to the Doug Decinces Bridge.

China IS asshoe.

Aloha means Goodbye. Aloha, Mike Golic. And possibly Greeny.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan, under someone’s bed.
You put me on and said I was your favorite.

Thirty bucks to “make magic” with the guy who blew the starting line of the Bruins seems fair.

C’mon, bruh, pretend Minifans gotta stick together.

My editor just asked why I didn’t like the manicotti at Table Boston. How did he know that?

Best bets for the weekend? Reds at Tigers, 6:10 PM Saturday, FS1. (Pending COVID-19 Test Results).

Controversial.

Standard disclaimers apply. Kevin wrote a lot of these. Stay safe.

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07/28/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

This.

The Marlins just proved that Baseball is a truly team sport.

Best of luck as always to Kirk Minihane for once again bravely opening up about his ongoing and not at all suspiciously timed battle on two fronts against depression and other people getting attention. Thank you Kirk. You probably saved lives. And no doubt will again.

I hope the WNBA is happy their little national anthem disrespecting stunt killed Olivia de Havilland.

Boston Cannons, your 2020 MLL Champs.

If all the other MLB teams get a million COVIDs and the Sox don’t, do the duckboats start inside Fenway or MGH?

Alls I’m asking is that for the wacky buddy comedy back-to-back movie poster is that John Dennis is the “can you believe this guy?” thumb jerk one and Fredgy Toucher is the palms up “whadda ya want from me?” fella. A man can dream.

This Kevin Pillar is going to confuse me. Like Heath Hembree.

Did you know that Jen Royle used to be on WEEI? Jen may excuse her courseness by claiming she’s still talking like a sports broadcaster, but Mike Reiss has never told me to go fuck myself.

Dale Arnold gets $30 per Cameo message? That’s three meatballs at Table! Or a tank of gas to get there and back. But not both.

I just pre-ordered Orioles: 3 Games to Glory.

Cakes are cooking for Lori Loughlin, Garth Snow, Dana White, and Elizabeth Berkley.

Hazy, hot, and humid out there. Probably a good idea to stay inside in a dark room and sit in a recliner while you scratch your arms.

Black Lives Matter hanging a banner at Fenway without winning the championship is very Indianapolis Colts. Quite frankly!

I don’t want to say these Minifans are officially a cult, but I’d be careful if Kirk starts talking about catching a ride on that comet.

Tom Werner is more popular than Regis Philbin in this baseball town.

Man, that Robyn Hayward, amirite?

Who tossed more softly last week, the Red Sox pitching staff or Dave Portnoy in the Rose Garden?

Congrats to JBJ for winning the battle title this year.

Greg ‘Big Boy Tuesdays’ Bedard thinks he doesn’t dance for the cameras?

Fred Toucher was so loaded on the air last week, I had to double check that I wasn’t listening to an episode of @EntitledTown

Somebody should keep an eye Ben Volin and make sure he’s not going to Nantucket and trying to cough on VIII RINGS.

How much would have Nomar loved playing in front of zero fans?

Blehhh! Kraken! Blehhhh!!

NESN running the same 5 annoying commercials between innings, a tradition unlike any other.

The #49ers have agreed to adjust the contract for RB Raheem Mostert following his stellar play to end last season, per @TesslerSports. With the relationship in a better place last week, the two sides moved quickly.

Jeter’s Marlins, huh? I guess this proves Valtrex has no effect on Covid.

A lot has been made about the Newton v. Stidham quarterback competition, but keep your eye out for Dom Grady.

OK, I’ll admit it: I’m happy for Josh Bard.

Hey there, burners, burnees, and burnouts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Drop tears below.”

I assume the Red Sox ownership group is now going have the Unity Ribbon from Opening Day cut into 2″ squares, available for purchase for $20.20!

Dale will be taking temperatures of ANYONE, and I mean anyone, attempting to enter WARRIOR Ice Arena!

Is it true those aren’t real fans on the monster? Seem very lifelike to me.

I miss those MVP Sports radio ads.

If the WNBA turns out to be a front for domestic terrorism, then I’m done with that league.

Have they trotted out poor Chaim Bloom costumed in a dashiki yet? Hashtag BLM.

Dino’s back?

Stop making things easier for those herped-up perverts, Nurx!

I guess Kirk wasn’t clear about his feelings on hero worship. He hates it!

How come none of those eggheads at Harvard and MIT have figured out a way to keep trucks from getting tuna canned on Storrow Drive?

Lobster >>> Baloney.

Did anyone else know Fred’s real last name was Toettcher? I guess we never really know our heroes.

Honk if you remember Joe & Andy.

When Jen Royle moves back to NYC, will Dale Arnold still drive there for takeout?

Where do I send my donation for the Verdugo Innocence Project?

My Julyteenth was uneventful.

Best bet for the weekend? A North End / Waterfront Neighborhood Council Meeting, ASH-LEE.

No connecting service to Saco.

material from #the15, interviews, wire services, Facebook, my-journal.com, Tessler Sports, other writers, league and team sources, Twitter user @jimfoleyBSMW participant NASCL, and #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/22/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Who could’ve ever predicted this? Everyone? Oh.

Gonna be the first time there’s no fans at Fenway doing the wave since 1987.

What kind of weirdo hates Ken Walter?

I like a good stiff drink as much as the next guy…unless that guy is Fred Toucher.

Man, that one guy who signed up for The Athletic because of their coverage of sports and pop culture from the third quarter of the 20th Century is really getting his money’s worth!

If you can’t trust gossipy amateur podcasters, who can you trust?

No football? But how will I get by without footage of sports broadcasters swooning over Mahomes effortlessly tossing no-look passes out of bounds?

Cakes are cooking today for Rob Estes, Don Van Natta Jr., Tim Brown, and Franka Potente.

When did the Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies go the way of the Nabisco Oreo’s and start coming up with all different varieties?

Stock down: Terry Cushman. Stock up: Noah Syndergaard.

Does Mrs. Toucher get half of the wacky impressions and full burner account custody?

Did B*rst**l carry out a Yamamoto-esk decapitation mission and take out MHB prior to today’s hostilities? Thus depriving the Minifans of their wartime consigliere?

Exactly. Guts me no guts until you underline him.

“Why did Dr. Fauci change his mind about the need to wear masks?” is the new “why won’t Belichick explain why he benched Malcolm Butler?”

Comet NEOWISE? More like Comet ‘Pretty Stupid!’

I‘m officially out on podcasts. What’s ironic is that I got into them because I wanted a thorough discussion of Thor’s hammer. Be careful what you wish for.

Zookeeper should have hired a private investigator, but not for the reason he thought he had to.

Yes, you too can be gaslit into believing Aaron Rogers was the best quarterback of the last decade for only $34.99/month!

Not a fan of Jordan’s Furniture’s new promotion: free furniture if the Red Sox win 60 or more gams this season.

Hey xeople, this week’s Phrase that Pays: “Vulvar contusions.”

Looks like Kanye’s presidential run was shorter than Billy Weld’s. Longer than Deval Patrick’s, tho.

We gucci, babybaby.

How are they going to douse Guerin Austin with Gatorade remotely?

I can’t believe a group of 20 something, selfie taking, attention craving girls are turning on each other. I just can’t…

This is fun: #Dolphins WR DeVante Parker will release a cartoon series called #UncleVante tomorrow at 9:15 am ET on his IG/TW. It chronicles the relationship between @DeVanteParker11 & “nephew” @ThePeeWeeParker as they navigate through life & the NFL season on and off the field.

Giants Manager Gabe Kapler covered up the assault of a minor runaway female by players in his organization.

How can something be ‘Partial Zero Emissions’, Subaru? It’s either zero, or it isn’t.

Yeah we all know why the NBA Commissioner wants to call it a ‘Campus’, and not a ‘Bubble’.

We’re never going to find out if The Protagonist in Christopher Nolan’s next move is the titular TENANT, are we?

A life well lived, Congressman Lewis.

Sad to hear about the passing of Carl Lewis. A great Olympian and Civil Rights leader, the venerable Congressman from Georgia is probably best remembered for standing up to Hitler at the 1936 Summer Games in Berlin. You’ll never find a bigger fan than Yours Truly. Rest in Power!

Swing out, to Lake Nostalgia, Route 5 to Laughing Pines.
Get off at Funway West; Drive into Springtime. Drive into Springtime.

Honk if you remember Howard Johnson’s Toastees.

Pumped in crowd noise at Fenway. Finally, Mrs. Henry isn’t the only one in the building faking it.

Insta-edit; I’d be remiss if I left out John Lewis’s time as president of the United Mine Workers of America. So there.

New Shertenlieb idea: Win Fred’s Lithium?

Best bet for the weekend: folks watching baseball.

Cubes. So smart.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, NFL water carriers, other writers, league and team sources, Twitter user @mitchmidnight, and #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/15/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Halogen.

2020 is like J.D. Drew. Sure, the summer is an endless slog of death and division. The comparison is concluded.

Being a former star of “Glee” is more dangerous than drumming for Spinal Tap.

John Dennis has been drying out longer than beef jerky.

What’s Cam Newton getting me hyped for exactly? The first round of roster cut downs?

Unlike Greg Bedard, we pay our staff.

If you wear a mask in public, but don’t post it on social media, did you even wear it?

Can’t wait to see who Kirkie goes to war against NEXT week.

Cakes are cooking for Linda Ronstadt, Terry O’Quinn, Kirt Manwaring, and Beth Ostrosky.

Expect the Duke University Lady Blue Lady Devils Women’s Basketball team to finally make the leap to NCAA Champs behind new HC Kara Lawson’s great basketball mind.

Ironically, it was a Jew that put the SS behind Curt Schilling.

One name to watch as teams gear up for training camp: FA TE Jordan Reed. The former Washington play-maker has three teams interested and plans to play in 2020. A potential low-risk, high-reward signing.

Tough break, Boston Globe Red Sox beat reporter Julian McWilliams, getting assigned the ‘shine the sneaker that is Alex Verdugo’ article.

Kelly Preston. Makes you think. Didn’t even know she was sick. She was born in Hawaii, did you know that? Aloha, Kelly.

Woj. You dumb Polack.

Did the Golden Girls predict Covid? I have no idea, but it’s another excuse to watch.

Rich Keefe has won at something! He killed EEI!

Putting out an APB on @stever324.

I’m starting to think I should have taken that no expenses paid trip to Pro Football Focus Scouting Academy in Cincinnati in March PFFunderscoreSam offered me!

Bill Belichick! Eating a Subway sandwich! For an ad! Zoinks!!

Marisa Ingemi remains a free agent.

They don’t make $43 Fila sneakers as well as they did as recently as five years ago.  Sad.

If the zombie thing happens, the US population will be the first to reach full-blown infection. Then we’ll eat the entire rest of the world’s brains. How’s that for American exceptionalism, you smug, Euro fucks?

Rising star to keep your eye on? Owen Pence. Remember the name.

‘Dumb as a Cuomo’ should be a saying.

Would ‘pemmican’ have been funnier word choice instead of ‘beef jerky’ in the John Dennis gag above? Let me know in the comments.

Hey squad, remember that this week’s Phrase That Pays is “Two best AFC east potent.”

Those 20+ corporate-acceptable social justice slogans on the back of NBA jerseys are gonna save a lot of Black Lives. A lot. 

The only thing lower than WEEI’S ratings are Bedard’s new subscriber counts.

Blehhhh! Boring Gred Bedard stuff! Blehhhhh!!

Lights are defenseless. Please don’t attack them. You know who you are.

Mut did a full blutarsky in the 18-34 demo in May.

‘Drew Lite’ was the fourth most popular diet cola in the Southern Georgia region during the mid to late 2000s.

A Boston Cream is a donut pretending to be a pie that’s actually a cake.

Sources are telling me that the PFF fellas aren’t quite as smart as they think they are.

Kirk is gonna destroy WEEI? He was supposed to have destroyed EEI last year!

Is Cam short for Camp? I’m just quirkily asking the question.

When is Taylor Kyles going to get his shot to lead an NFL franchise? Great football mind.

Okay Dale Arnold, one has to go: WARRIOR Ice Arena or Table?

Honk if you still have all you fingers.

I could really go for a Jordan Marsh blueberry muffin right about now.

A: Braves Field, later reconfigured as BU’s Nickerson Field.

News Item: D1 tennis stolen valor perpetrator and 45% of the Comorbidity Boyz Dan Lifshatz has moved his primary burner account from @therealjefe23 to @QuiseDaniels8. Please make a note of it.

Best bet for the weekend: Friday, in the NBA Bubble, is Hawaiian shirt day… So, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

25″ 720p,  just like several used at PFF!

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, Quibi, NFL agent transcriptionists, other writers, PFF, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/08/2020 Vigilantly Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer (Phase 3 Step 1)

That’s right. They’re back, bitches.

Source: the Patriots and RB Rex Burkhead have agreed to a reworked final year of his contract. Burkhead gets $550K to sign and drops his base salary from $2.5M to $1.05M, with $400K available in roster bonuses (down from $500K). The move creates $981,250 in cap space.

Hope everyone used Heinz over the holiday weekend.

“Is it possible Donnie Fitzpatrick was just getting those clubhouse attendants ready for Hands Across America?” is definitely an angle Sam Kennedy has pitched to Bob Hohler.

Do two swaggers equal one duende?

NECCO Wafers are back in stores. America is great again.

If Cam Newton could openly admit his long-term relationship with an ex-stripper, what’s stopping Lou Merloni?

Aloha means both goodbye and hello, @NEPDLoyko! Aloha.

Sometime last season the final double-switch in National League history took place. And YOU didn’t realize it at the time. Weep.

Poor-mouthing the USA on the Fourth of July? That Kaep really knows how to pick his spots.

Cakes are cooking for Kevin Bacon and several other people who are only connected to him by sharing a birthday.

Who could have predicted a pass-catching, run-blocking, special teams playing running back would earn a contract extension on Coach Belicheck’s team? Hail Rex.

I miss Anna Horford. She was a delight.

An IndyCar race and a NASCAR event the same day at The Brickyard? Wow! Anyone participate in both? No? Still historical, I suppose.

I’d like to see David Price make $30 million playing Fortnite. Because I think he would do good things with that money.

Blehhh! The Player needs to shut his mouth, stop expressing himself and take the next snap or dribble or whatever it is those people do. And if you think this is racist, I hate Tom Brady’s wife and children more than cancer. Try canceling me now, society. Blehhhh!

I’m happy for the Fraggle. Anytime you can make someone the highest paid player in a sport with a hard salary cap you have to do it.

Stay with me here: Ray Jay as Kanye’s veep.

Just look at that damn Patriots ‘3 Percenter’ kicker favorably posting a dubious Hitler quote. What? DeSean Jackson? Really? Well that kinda upends my outrage.

You? You’re more Nantasket than Nantucket. 

They should take down the statue of The Text Line for the atrocities he committed against WEEI.

You’d think with all the ritalin he abuses B*rst**l’s Mexican President would have remembered to apply for federal PPP money.  But all’s well that ends well.

For context, $500 million in pennies is 500 million X 100. Glad I helped.

Speaking of pennies, sad to hear about the recent, tragic passing of Todd Gack. #dutchlivesmatter #KLM

Getting the feeling Bill Simmons used a bell curve to visually illustrate the Ewing Theory.

Where’s Dino been? OBF is on a island.

Journalistic mentors should teach you to avoid making fallacious, torturous analogies, and not passing on shopworn bromides as their own quotations.

Why didn’t Loyko come back before the NFL draft? Weird.

If the Red Sox aren’t preparing an Old Timer’s Zoom to run on the scoreboard, I’ll be crestfallen.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Mine is steamed broccoli!

Wait, we won the Civil War. Can’t Washington just take the Falcons nickname from Confederate Atlanta as the spoils of war? I say yes. Problem solved.

Hey there y’all, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “guarantee mechanisms.”

Best wishes to Network TV Anchor & Nationally Syndicated Talk Show Host Mark Benarzyk-James in his new assignment, whatever that is. Toast a drink, coffee, or smoothie to Marc tonight if you can. ‘Aloha’ means goodbye, Marck. Aloha.

Is ‘Speros’ Greek for ‘snowflake’?

I hope that canned bread boutique restaurant over in the South End eventually opens.

Aub Huff. Not OOTG’S.

They way things are trending with the Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians, the clock is ticking on my old high school mascot. I better get me some Fighting Rum-Drunk Halfbreeds merchandise sooner rather than later.

Hey Dan Hausle, bring back the Freddie Mercury mustache!

I hope Bill Simmons explains why he doesn’t just hand podcasts to anyone when he’s guesting on his ten-year old son’s wrestling podcast.

“Fitzy” is Greek for “rip off.”

This Lady may have stumbled, but she ain’t never fell. And if the Russians don’t believe that they can all go straight to hell. We’re gonna put her feet back on the path of righteousness and then; God bless America again.

Seven of ten games AT Yankee Stadium? Fix! FIX!!

Tanya Ray Fox doesn’t have to worry about me telling her condescendingly or otherwise, that she knows her stuff.

“Morricone” is how Dale Arnold orders another gelato for the road when he’s picking up his takeout in Boston’s historic North End.

Shut up, you did not know that ‘Lift Every Voice and Sing’ was “The Black national anthem.”

Pablo Sandoval is overweight and there is nothing wrong with that.

All these statues coming down and no Drew Bledsoe jokes. SAD!

Honk if you remember red pistachios.

Johnny Pesky would’ve worn a mask. And that’s good enough for me.

Well the way I head it was that the Devil would have gone over the luxury tax threshold if he kept that golden fiddle into next season so he took a dive during that contest with Johnny.

Everyone getting a head start on their Joe West obituary? Good.

Has anyone seen Ted Sarandis lately?

When they said 2020 was a rough year, they didn’t know Patrick Mahomes was about to get PAID. So stoked. Now we just need Jerry J. to do right by Dak and this year will be a net win as far as I’m concerned.

Shoutout to Phoenix Minx.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox Summer Camp updates (via Zoom, of course.)

Nantasket Beach. There’s a spot. Grab the cooler.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, onlyfans, Google Translate, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW’s Own Bruce Allen, and a whole mess of suggestions by #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/01/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Ben Mondor. Still Owning.

A pirate radio frequency out of Lawrence is transmitting incomprehensible information concerning Julian Edelman. Please contact if you are able to unscramble the signal.

If you don’t think the Coronavirus is Ben Mondor’s revenge, ask the WooSox how their inaugural season went.

If Cam Newton starts for the Pats in Week 1, will that also count as reparations? Or would they need to add Kaepernick as a backup? Just trying to be an ally here.

Great Football Mind Kina Mimes is gonna kill it. Dead! Yas Kween!!

Zero deaths! Open Fenway! And sell some bricks. Maybe.

Doug Kyed watched Contagion over the weekend and is now firmly against Covid-19. Hello!

I mean, sure, you can be good at your job and post photos of you wearing what you like to wear, including crop tops at all ages, but not if you’re not good at your job you can’t. Hey; I don’t make the rules!

Good to hear Edelman is going to be obsolete by people who say their opinions on a 100 year old medium.

Cakes are cooking this week for America! But more specifically they are cooking today for Steve Shutt, Dan Ackroyd, Nancy Lieberman, Pamela Anderson, and Missy Elliot.

And yes, Happy Canada Day. Love your mints.

Perhaps there’s a bussing joke to be made from the fact that Tom Brady went to Tampa Bay and Cam Newton is coming to Boston, but rest assured, the Junk Drawer does not trade in jokes of that nature. And if I did, would certainly say Cam was a METCO Auburn Tiger…


You should definitely respond to 98.5 The Sports Hub’s thuddingly obvious provocations.

Gordon Hayward is white! Zoinks! Will his jersey say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I’ll wash your feet’?

I’m wearing a crop top right now!

How is everyone spending their Bobby Bonilla Day?

Scott’s still can-celled! clap clap clap-clap-clap! Scott’s still can-celled! clap clap clap-clap-clap!

Say, what’s Cam’s wife look like? We’re comparing QB’s, right?

Our world should be structured better so Brock Holt doesn’t have to spend three months away from his family due to an unprecedented pandemic. Thinking about starting a GoFundMe for my poor Brock Star. Gonna cry now.

The Patriots lost a draft pick; now the NFL season can really begin.

Headscarfs are like masks for concussions.

The Jaguars have agreed to terms with third round DT Davon Hamilton, per source. He’ll earn up to $4.82M on the standard four-year rookie deal.

Alabaster twat Chad Finn buys sunscreen in the same quantities his boss purchases ink.

For one thing, Newton would’ve caught that pass in SB52.

I wonder if any MLB players whittled their own bats with all the down time and all? I would.

Hey there sons and daughters of liberty, the Phrase that Pays is “low risk, high reward.”

Marisa Ingemi is still a free agent.

Knock down every Confederate statue and replace them with Dennis Eckersley!

My son doesn’t like it when I call him a enthusiastic and egregious death spreader when he keeps asking for a catch.

They’re called ‘diacritical marks.’ You’re welcome.

If you’re not a coach in one of the 4 5 major sports leagues and your social media names are “Coach whatever” you’re a clown who acts like a clown.

I heard they’re going to start pool testing, so I guess I better do some crunches.

The worst part about this Newton signing is having to fire up Google Translate.

Godspeed, Paw Sox. Looking forward to seeing Rusney in Worcester next Summer!

The Ringer’s leadership is so white they hold retreats in the Bavarian Alps.

Must be nice to have cap space.

Good to hear a person at WEEI thinks Edelman’s going to be obsolete soon. How were last quarter’s ratings anyway?

Honk if you remember Brad Rifkin.

I’d really like to know how Callahan and Carr didn’t end up on ventilators. What do they know?

Pro tip: Never change lawyers midstream. Unless the first one ruins everything.

Is Cam Newton Belichick’s Pumpsie Green? I’m just asking the question, caller.

Miss Pizutti is late. Fingers crossed gang.

I’m in the phone booth, it’s the one across the hall. If you don’t answer, I’ll just ring it off the wall. I know he’s there, but I just had to call. Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone. Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone.

I’m more of a CONSONANTS guy, but I’m sad to hear this year’s Big E is cancelled.

Good to hear Edelman is going to be obsolete from a radio person who thinks Tom Brady led the league in RPOs.

There’s a Madeline Petsche and a Madeline Ford?

It must be exhausting trying to claim fandom in arrears every time someone famous dies.

No way either of those girls in Spring Breakers could have know how to drive Big Arch’s manual transmission Lamborghini. C’mon.

Please remember to cook and eat with your masks on this holiday weekend. It’s really not that hard.

Drop us a line in the comments if you can think of any Boston athletes who share a name with a Boston suburb!

None of my business, but William Bendetson and Nora Princiotti would make a mighty handsome couple.

Pro Kyle. Anti Kyles.

Best bets for the weekend? Independence Day Takeout from Table by Jen Royle.

Quesadilla with Quac. On the Secret Menu.

material from interviews, wire services, rebroadcasts, Facebook, Instagram, other writers, league and team sources, Rex Dartand a whole bunch by #the15 were used in this column. 

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06/27/2020 Bonus Weekend Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Handshake deal? Good enough for me! I’m back like I never left!

I’m ten times gladder that I didn’t go with a ‘No Noose Is Good News’ quip about the Bubba Wallace garage pull situation.

I do like watching replays of the 2018 playoffs. Everyone should be able to enjoy that the way the Sox did: Knowing exactly what’s coming.

I wonder if Julian Edelman has told Stidham he loves him yet? Seems kind of important.

Sunshine is not, apparently, the best disinfectant for the ‘vid.

Cakes have been cooked and are in the break room for Brad Childress, J.J. Abrams, Raúl, and Drake Bell.

That NASCAR story oddly enough has the twists and turns of a Formula One track!

Climate Pledge Arena. Climate Pledge Arena? Climate. Pledge. Arena.

Two cheers for Liverpool FC and their footie title, I guess. Maybe fewer cheers.

If JWH did kill that deck hand it was because the guy was fucking his beard, right?

Is there a lawn crew in your room? Mute your mike.

I always considered Brock Holt to be the thinking man’s Daniel Nava.

You take a ring, and then another ring, and then another ring, and then you’ve got three rings. Ballantine; and now it’s premium, its a very special glass of beer.

Unlike TB12, FDR always got that coveted parking spot.

Your truth-challenged elderly candidate with clear signs of dementia? BOOOO! My truth-challenged elderly candidate with clear signs of dementia? YAYYYYY!

Notary Sojac.

Rapper Huey died? was it complications from hydroxychloroquine?

Come on folks, stay safe and wear a Red Sox mask like Sam Kennedy! So good!

I really hope Anna Horford gets all the attention she desperately needs.

I’m not sure if I’d make Gisele wear a mask or not during coitus. Shrug.

Tonight we need no rest, we really gonna throw a mess, we gonna to break out all of the windows, we gonna kick down all the doors
We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long. All night long, all night long all night long. Tell Fats and Washboard Sam, that everybody gonna to jam. Tell Shaky and Boxcar Joe, we got sawdust on the floor. Tell Peg and Caroline Dye, we gonna have a time. When the fish scent fill the air, there’ll be snuff juice everywhere. We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long. All night long.

I’d do Linda without a mask. Impregnate her for sure. We’re talking billions. Honk if you like murder and billions.

Mrs. Butterworth gets to keep her job, right? Smdh.

A: Tom Tupa.

Reminder: the Red Sox traded likable, League MVP winning Mookie Betts for sketchy Alex Verdugo, and they expect you to be fine with that.

Stop moving the release date for Tenet!

Also honk if you remember Arnie “Woo-Woo” Ginsberg.

’30 and 30 here we come’ seems wildly optimistic for the Olde Towne Team.

You’re on your own for the Best Bet for the Weekend. Make of it what you will.

So pretty.

material from interviews, wire services, matchbooks, Facebook, Instagram, other writers, league and team sources, and #the15, were used in this column.

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06/24/2020 Cautiously Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer (Phase 2 Step 2)

That ain’t right.

Now baseball has a chance to ruin our summah!

Bill Simmons brought legitimacy to podcasting! Or something. Anyway, he wanted to not get cancelled, but it was too hard.

So #Juneteenth is when we celebrate Elle Duncan’s birthday?

Well at least no one will take the wrong lesson from the Bubba Wallace garage door pull story.

So nightshades are forbidden, but big needles full of botulism toxin is ok. Got it.

It’s not the heat, it’s the humility.

Yeah, statues are just decoration. So you’d be ok with a bunch of Red Sox fans smashing all the plaques in Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park and replacing them with Trot Nixon’s pine tar coated batting helmets, Dave?

Smdh.

Cakes are cooking for Hope Sandoval, Mindy Kaling, Minka Kelly, and Lionel Messi.

Several of my summer shirts sized ‘Large’ have shrunk while in storage. Outrageous.

Gold Five to Red Leader: Lost Kyle, lost Ganger. They came from behind.

Sixto: he’s done it again! Bad lookalike best friend! Bad!

Missed the ESPY’s. Was in good company there.

NFL water carrier blurb goes here.

I haven’t seen any frogs in my neighborhood in forever. Or toads.

Howdy gang, the Phrase that Pays is “No one is more full of shit than Dave. No one.”

Found some Dr. Seuss-colored ham in the back of the fridge. Less than ideal.

“Oven Dodgers” is what Mayor de Blasio calls those pesky Williamsburg Orthodox. Probably.

I sincerely hope they don’t pull down the statue of Making the Perfect the Enemy of the Good. You know; that allegorical one.

Honk if you remember Za-Rex.

Prety sure Mut didn’t forget about the last -shall-be-first Belmont Stakes. Good run, Tiz The Law.

Best bet for the weekend. more disrespect from the higher ups around here.

Motion Capture Pinkberry Bill.

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