1/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

-But I was told everything goes the Patriots way! That furry headed dildo lied to me!

-Do you think the medical examiner put the envelope with David Stern’s death certificate in the freezer?

-BC got UMass-ed in whatever Ridiculously-Named Bowl Game they were in.

-There’s a vacancy at the top of the QADS force, Freddie Kitchens.

-Andre Drummond? What’chu talking about?

-Brad Stevens’ Celtics are rolling ten deep! Approve!

-The great kid Pasta can’t do it all himself, B’s.

-Phil’s legally dead. Fell off a boat.

-Heard that John Henry was in a 7-11, mentioning loudly how thirsty he was, yet didn’t get a Big Gulp. He must be serious about getting under the luxury cap.

-This “Lego Masters” show is a complete rip-off of Shel Turteltaub’s Lincoln Logs program idea.

-Did Doris Burke purchase Carrie Fisher’s dentures at auction?

-What possesses a person to decide they want to be in the audience for the Steve Wilkes Show?

-NRG Stadium? I get it.

-Anyone who thinks Zolak is good at his job didn’t listen to the second half of the Titans game.

-Did Dale purchase any of the TD Garden’s old yellow seats?

-Oh My God, do you believe that thing that happened at the Golden Globes?

-Maybe shake up the lines, Bruce?

-Honk if you remember the Mister Donut jingle.

-Do you ever have your ear pop, and it’s like you have a bionic ear like the Six Million Dollar Man? Of course you don’t; it was the bionic woman who had augmented hearing.

-The Irishman was too long? That’s not something you hear all the time. Heyoooo!

-I wish Tom Brady had played long enough that we could judge whether or not he’s comfortable with his last pass in a Patriots uniform being a pick six in a Wild Card game at home.

-Best bet for the weekend: a continuing Boston sports media embargo.

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1/Whenever Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

-Where have I been, you ask? Covered in bubble wrap until the playoffs. Chewed my way out.

-Good work Clemson. You took what’s yours (against Ohio, anyway).

-The Bruins didn’t have a New Year’s Resolution about winning an overtime shootout?

-How do we know that time traveling assassins from the Dominican Republic didn’t murder Esther Rolle after mistaking he for David Ortiz?

-I hope whoever had the Celtics voodoo dolls their magic expired in 2019.

-You have to take the points there.

-ESPN treats the NHL like it’s the Tiffany Trump of pro sports.

-Hawaii Five-O and Magnum P.I. should not be on the air at the same time. There; I said it.

-The aughts use have been an easy time for novelty New Year’s Eve glasses designers.

-Cows = Creative.

-Aunt Gertie isn’t at Elliott’s for Christmas in that E.T. Comcast commercial because she’s in rehab again, amirite?

-No losing team won their division, those obviating the case for playoff reseeding must have had pumpkin headed fishwife Peter King crying into his hint of citrusy beer.

-Now is Dick Clark dead, or just presumed dead, like Casey Kasem?

-Prediction: Weird Celtics Twitter gets even weirder in 2020!

-Wait, there’s a Brad Dorff, and a Stephen Dorff?

-“Bleahh, Belichick Coaching Tree! Bleahh!!”

-That epic snowball fight filmed on an iPhone 11 looked to have wayyyy more rules in place than most other snowball fights.

-Honk if you remember “Weekend at Bernie’s 2”.

-Get well soon, cut-by-a-skate NHL Guy.

-You gotta take the elevator to the mezzanine, chump.

“It requires neither courage nor prescience to predict disaster. Courage is required of the man who, when things are good, says so.” – John Kenneth Galbraith, obviously not a 98.5 The Sports Hub caller.

Best bet for the weekend: freezing cold or unseasonable warmth, one of the two.

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12/11 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

If this isn’t the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I’ve ever got! Dammit!
It’s good, it’s good..It’s good.

In a fair world, Jerome Boger wouldn’t still hoad a job as an NFL referee today.

How’s that saying go? “A lie can get halfway around the world while Dianna Russini is still putting her pants back on”?

Damned convenient that ESPN got that story out just in time for their Monday Night Countdown show.

Haywood returns from injury ahead of schedule. Good for the C’s.

Tilda Swinton won SI’s Sportshuman of the Year? Odd.

I don’t ask for much, only that Eli be kept out of Canton if not permanently, at least until Arch is dead.

Let’s start finding the back of the net with more frequency, Bruins skaters.

Good job Mansfield HS football. You took what’s yours.

Are the 99’s restaurants still doing that gift card deal?

Cakes are cooking for John Kerry, Willie McGinest, and Mos Def.

Throw another log on the baseball hot stove.

I’m not sure Peter King’s Fairness Bowl is feasible.

I hope Gerry’s concrete selling brother-in-law will be a frequent guest on his sure-to-be top rated podcast!

News Item: Gigi the gorilla passed away at the age of 47 on Saturday after over 30 years at the Franklin Park Zoo.

Happy for Nick Cafardo’s family, sad for Pete Frates’ family. I think that’s how to look at it. And it all comes back to baseball.

“We were calling (Grant Williams) Ben Simmons, but Ben hit one so shout out to both of those guys.” – that’s cold, Jaylen.

Looks like Gerrit Cole will finally be able to afford a second T for his first name.

Holiday With the Houghs looks like wholesome entertainment for the entire family.

Ted Sarandis would had a memorable rant about the eight minutes. Eight!

The Tony C’s by Fenway closed? Say it isn’t so.

Mazel tov, Max Andelman!

I’m between the poles and the equator, don’t send no private investigator to find me please;
‘less he speaks Chinese, and can dance like Astaire overseas, okay?

The Hood Golden Eggnog really is the best.

Have they showed Wedge Antilles yet in The Rise of Skywalker TV spots?

You can’t lose two games in December and expect to compete in the playoffs, wait, what?

Honk if you remember Feelix and Feelicia.

I would like to see the Venn diagram for ‘we need to move on from Michael Vick, he’s served his time’ and ‘Cheatriots don’t get the benefit of the doubt! Throw the book at em!’

Aloha means goodbye, Lucille Burdge. Aloha.

Confession: I can’t tell the Minifans apart WITH a scorecard!

Best bet for the weekend: on thru Cincinnati.

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12/4 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Watch it smirky. It’s a small step from Elf on the Shelf to Snitch in the Ditch.

Some weather we’re having, eh?

The Texas teams gave the rest of the league the Fluprint on how to beat the Patriots!

These non Styrofoam Dunkin Donuts cups aren’t very good at keeping coffee hot.

Bruins wins over Montreal just feel better.

With his career .500 record as BC Head Coach, now Addazio is eligible for the Patriots Hall of Fame, right Big Tuna honks?

Underestimate this Celtics squad at your peril.

News Item: David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, & others to be inducted into Red Sox Hall of Fame in 2020. I hope they don’t accidentally induct Papi’s lookalike best friend Sixto by mistake!

Flipz, those chocolate covered pretzel treats? IMO, they missed an opportunity to have Benicio del Toro be a spokesman for them back in 1995.

It was only three months ago, why are people pretending AB was cut for using a shrimp fork to eat the salad course?

Cakes are cooking for Wink Martindale, Lee Smith, and Jay-Z.

So that Peleton exercise bike commercial…what’s up with that?

And speaking of bicycles, whoever promises to paint over the bike lanes like Kramer did the lane dividers on the Arthur Burkhardt Expressway will be the next Mayor of Boston.

I call the Carolina Hurricanes the WhalerCanes! Not really.

Good job, good effort, Michigan Wolverines.

I’m already sick of turkey leftovers. There; I said it.

Farewell and good luck, Sandy Leon.

Another Groundhog Day meets Memento huge Patriots fan response to a loss.

The beard doesn’t make James Harden less likable, but it sure doesn’t help.

You’re better than that, Needham and Wellsley.

There’s an ‘Ask Jerry’ segment on NESN where Jerry Remy dispenses life advice? Wait; what?

The thought of pond hockey just makes my weak ankles ache.

What’s to say De Niro’s character in The Irishman didn’t always beat up grocers like an old man?

“Watch out for black ice” is a phrase they must stress has to be enunciated very carefully in TV meteorologist school.

Eagles are acting like Billy Crystal when asked about Mr. Saturday Night 2.

What’s this I hear about Lucy leaving WEEI to spend more time with another woman’s family?

Tinsel, of course is a contraction of ‘tin icicle.’

Honk if you remember Callahan’s Steak House in Newton Highlands.

200 NHL goals for Krejci. Pretty neat.

Why were C’s fans focused on Kyrie Irving, Jaylen? Maybe because you played his new team twice within 3 days, and he sat out both games with an earache or a hysterical pregnancy or some such nonsense?

Tree looks great! Little full. Lotta sap.

Kids today have no idea of the frustration when turning on the radio to hear if school was cancelled due to snow and finding that the list was on the alphabetically next letter.

Best bet for the weekend: Mahomesophobia returns.

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11/27 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

SKWANTOE!!! DEAD FISH PLANT WIT CORN SEEDES??? WHAT IS THE REASONING!?!?!?!?

Huit contre un? Sacre moo!

So, did the NFL tell the Cowboys that they shouldn’t have called the tripping, or, that they weren’t penalties? Because those are two different things.

Dame Fashion says denim suits come back into vogue in 2020.

Woo Sox. Woo Sox? Woo Sox.

Someone should ask Coach Bill if it’s always smart to have recency bias in the NFL.

I wonder why Upton Bell doesn’t correct his friend Bootleg Barnacle when the latter mentions shopping recently at long-closed retail establishments. Isn’t he concerned about his chum’s mental acuity?

Kyrie. No profiles in courage there.

The ‘this is what happens if you try to deep fry a frozen turkey’ warning videos are better than the ‘dangers of fireworks’ warning videos.

Cakes are cooking for Manolo Blahnik, William Fichtner, and Adam Archuleta.

No shame in losing your first game so far to last year’s champs, UMass.

Maybe Patrick Mahomes should announce he now fully identifies as a Fraggle to earn back some of the attention Lamar Jackson pilfered from him.

I wonder if they listen to Alice’s Restaurant on Thanksgiving at Gerry’s.

B’s sign Coyle & Wagner to multi-year extensions? Why not?

I liked things better when nostalgia wasn’t as prevalent.

The Woo Sox are so going to have a Ric Flair Night, aren’t they?

Excited to see how the Patriots play in decent weather with Wynn and a reconstituted receiving corps.

Plymouth Rock is underwhelming. There, I said it.

This is probably the last Thanksgiving you can show up with a carton of menthols in a single use plastic bag as your hostess gift.

Well played, Stephen F. Austin.

Beagles really can’t be trained to expertly butter toast, no matter what that Charlie Brown special implied.

Del, what are you doing here? You said you were going home, what are you doing here?

Get well soon Kemba…, wait, he’s playing? Good. Never mind.

Honk if you remember Costello.

Running backs are fun, they are not fungible.

To be fair, I think that Samurai Johnson guy learned to speak English by watching Don Rickles YouTube clips.

Can’t handle the heat, cupcake?

So are the people who put up the hand-lettered flyers looking to buy diabetic test strips the same people who buy houses?

Best bet for the weekend: turkey tetrazzini.

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11/20 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

So dark. So early. April is not the cruelest month.

Well actually, *I* look tired and frustrated.

Great time to be a Boston sports fan. You’re gonna get sick of all the winning! Not literally; that would be weird.

Bet this Frozen II, The Refreezing movie does well.

I liked it better when I could read something written by Tom E. Curran about Tom Brady without seeing Tom Senior’s grubby fingerprints all over it.

An entirely healthy Celtics team would make a nice Christmas present.

You put an everything bagel in the bag, that makes them all everything bagels!

Cakes are cooking for Norman Greenbaum, Bo Derek, JD Drew, and Sen Dog.

Kicking Lane Johnson when he’s down *is* having fun. Sorrey!

Jimmie Johnson to retire? See what you did Mike Lynch!?

The phrase phrenology surrounding Brady’s pressers and radio show call ins is literally exhausting.

Grezlcyk? That can’t be right. (checks) well I’ll be.

But why would the newspaper owned by Red Sox ownership employ as their head NFL writer someone so antagonistic to Patriots fans and oh now I hear it.

Is the Herald still going to re-run Gerry’s Thanksgiving column next week?

Shank pivoting to scribble out a defense of Manny Ramirez’s at the behest of JWH is roughly equivalent to the time Criqui and Cross wore Patriots team logo shirts during a preseason broadcast. Probably.

Yams? Sweet potatoes? Different?

(Trenchant observation goes here.)

ThEy OvErPaId JaYlEn BrOwN!

Cape Cod? Technically an island since the construction of the Canal. You’re welcome.

Gronk and AB aren’t coming back, are they?

No Haggs; it’s not time to worry about #37.

A ‘fall finale’? That, quite frankly, sounds made up.

The Philly Special was an illegal formation. There, I said it.

Good luck at your new job, Ben Cherington.

Honk if you remember when this column was called Clearing Out the Sports Junk Drawer.

UMass is a basketball school anyway. 5-0!

I would see the movie about the making of a ‘Julia Robets as Harriet Tubman’ movie.

Has anyone ever seen Ted Sarandis and Ambassador Sondlund at the same place at the same time? Weird!

Memba the Malice at the Palace? Memba that?

You ever touch a light bulb thinking it was a LED only to find out by burned fingertips it was an old incandescent bulb? Yeah, me neither.

Best bet for the weekend: Cowboys fans representing at Gillette.

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11/13 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Turtle Turtle.

Surprised that The Boston Globe didn’t remind everyone on Veterans Day not to thank Kyle Eckel for his service.

Bonnie and Clyde had better luck than the Bruins this season when it comes to shootouts.

The next Dez dance video thing will be the first funny one, I’m sure.

Get well soon Gordon Hayward. It was touching that Tatum as a tribute shot like he had a busted hand during the Dallas game.

Alabama may have lost at home, but cheer up, they will probably win something at the American Music Awards in two weeks. 23 total wins!

Best of luck with the San Francisco Baseball Giants Gabe Kapler.

Cakes are cooking for Chris Noth, Tracy Scoggins, and Walter Kibby.

We know what you originally wrote, Aidan. We know.

There were no signs Grapes could be a weirdo. Just the wearing clothes made out of fabrics normally found on couches at Graceland.

I hope this The Man: DeLorean show over on Disney Plus recounts his time as a designer at General Motors.

That team-released video of Coach Harbro lavishing praise on Lamar Jackson gave me a not so fresh feeling.

The MLB awards voters must be Red Sox fans what with overvalueing Mookie Betts with Golden Glove and Silver Slugger awards. Right, Dan?

What’s the word? Thunderbird!

Don’t touch Jimmy!

Meemo? Meemsy? Meemerino? Mary? Mare? Double M? Where you been? Send up a flare.

The almond Snickers Bar is better than the original.
Don’t @ me.

Gronk isn’t coming back. At all.

Know this: Dyeing your hair and (sniff) goatee Raven black won’t make Bill afraid of you, Lou.

I’m proud of you, Greater Boston for putting on a brave face and continuing doing your day to day activities even after Doyle’s Cafe closed.

Congratulations to AL Manager of the Year Rocco Baldelli, local kid made good.

In Maine, Tacko Fall turns to Tacko Winter ’bout this time of year. Ayuh.

So with this cold snap approaching I went to make a withdrawal from my daylight savings account and there was nothing in there! I’m blaming the Russians.

This Houston Astros sign-stealing story should have John W. Henry demanding draconian punishment like a sainted Mara Family member. But to do so would, by extension, help who he perceives to be his team’s true rival, the Patriots. Such the dilemma.

Honk if you remember when cars had two keys, one for the doors & trunk, and another for the ignition.

Days like today are when all those bicycle lanes really pay dividends.

Only 255 days until the Summer Olympics Opening Ceremonies.

The Davis Cup is tennis, and the Ryder Cup is golf, right? Just checking.

Some eyebrow-raising Captain’s Picks for the US Ryder Cup squad.

Tell us again what a good guy John Tomase is, fellow media types. After all, a lie repeated enough becomes the truth.

Nice weather we’re having, if you’re a Tibetan Mastiff.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t add this: No one, and I mean no one, honors our military like Dale Arnold.

Best bet for the weekend; Philly fan being Philly fan.

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11/6 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

SSBN-636 USS Nathaniel Greene.
An OK Boomer.

Trust me; having lived through it the first time, you didn’t want the Patriots to be undefeated going into the playoffs. It. Was. Exhausting.

It’s ok to admit that Tuukka gives up too many soft goals in the second of back-to-back games against hated rivals two days after Patriots losses. It is!

I’m starting to think Gordon Hayward wasn’t the problem last year.

Stick around another year JD, Red Sox could use your batting skill.

Those x cross section coffee stirrers at Cumberland Farms don’t work well. At all.

Oh my goodness: did you see there was a CAT on the football field! How did it even GET there?!?

Celtics really let 98.5 down by winning the other night.

Bruins needed to save some non-overturnable goals from Monday to Tuesday!

Jimmy Garoppolo the person, I don’t know. Jimmy Garoppolo the player, I don’t mind. But Jimmy Garoppolo the cudgel to deploy against Bill the GM, I can’t stand.

Cakes are cooking for Peter DeLuise, Ethan Hawke, and Zoe McLellan.

It’s too bad Alex Rodriguez was on the broadcast team for the World Series, because you know he wanted to interrupt Game Seven with an announcement that he and JLo eloped.

The General car insurance commercials really lost something when they dropped the penguin sidekick. There; I said it.

We only have to endure three more weeks of NFL coaching staffs costumed like they’re assaulting the Empire’s shield generator on the Forest Moon of Endor.

‘Load management’ sounds like a term that originated in the adult film industry.

Get well soon, fella who faceplanted into the ice whose name escapes me right now.

If Deadspin still existed, they all could have written about Nationals catcher Kurt Suzuki callously wearing a MAGA hat. And would have. Alas.

I don’t care what the view counter shows, only 50 people are going to read this article. Fifty!

This just in: Liberty just scored another touchdown on UMass.

That ‘Everybody Needs Somebody To Love’ Amazon ad? No. Just no.

College hoops are back, baby!

Ford vs Ferrari? Sounds like a mismatch. I may have to see it to find out what happened.

Brown eggs are local eggs, and local eggs are brown.

Good for you Andy Gresh.

Honk if you remember Robert Plant asking ‘Does anybody remember laughter?’

Oh, and sorry this wasn’t ready to be published earlier. I blame the switch back to Standard Time from Idiotic Pretend Time.

Shirl’s latest column earns two hot peppers.

Dwight Evans belongs in Cooperstown, even if weirdo Bill James thinks so, too.

I have grave concerns about the fading possibilities of Peter King’s Fairness Bowl.

Best bet for the weekend: visits to the turkey farm.

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/30

Scary.

Congratulations to the 2019 World Series Champion Houston Astros Washington Nationals.

I’ve got sports seasonal overlap disorder, and its a good thing.

Nick Chubb? He’s a (sniff) cute little RB2.

Looks like the Celtics are better than game one indicated.

Pasta The Great Kid playing like The Great One.

The BSJ Mike Loyko investigation is now officially a cold case.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’, Other Bennett Brother. Aloha.

Welcome to Boston, Chaim Bloom. Figure out how to keep Mookie.

Whither Deadspin?

Peter King’s stubborn refusal to understand the NFL’s scheduling system is utterly exasperating.

Can’t wait to see that ‘Not dissimilar to actual events’ Midway movie.

Not being from around here, Sanu gets a pass from me for the ‘Beantown’ cleats.

Tiger Woods is still good at golf.

Coach Flores may not last the season in Miami.

You can’t tell me CBS is still airing episodes of ‘Madam President’.

Cakes are cooking for Henry Winkler, Timothy B. Schmit, and Nastia Liukin.

There’s going to be lots of disappointed kids out there trick or treating with no NECCO Wafers to be had.

That Mike Nugent Pats jersey was probably a bad investment.

Someday I’d like to be as good at something as people think Joe Buck is at his job.

Hood Eggnog in the stores already.

I hear tell the Ravens are decidedly not afraid to play you.

Honk if you remember Mindy McCready.

Well UMass, there’s always the hockey team.

300 wins for Coach Bill Belichick. Quite the accomplishments. When does he pass Parcells on the list?

Robert Evans, you led quite a life. RIP.

Hey dummy; your obvious burner account is an obvious burner account.

Best bet for the weekend: putting the storm windows up.

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Reminder

Not Afraid.

The Ravens are NOT afraid to come HERE and play YOU! But what really is going to happen is that YOU have to go THERE and play THEM!

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