12/4 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Watch it smirky. It’s a small step from Elf on the Shelf to Snitch in the Ditch.

Some weather we’re having, eh?

The Texas teams gave the rest of the league the Fluprint on how to beat the Patriots!

These non Styrofoam Dunkin Donuts cups aren’t very good at keeping coffee hot.

Bruins wins over Montreal just feel better.

With his career .500 record as BC Head Coach, now Addazio is eligible for the Patriots Hall of Fame, right Big Tuna honks?

Underestimate this Celtics squad at your peril.

News Item: David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, & others to be inducted into Red Sox Hall of Fame in 2020. I hope they don’t accidentally induct Papi’s lookalike best friend Sixto by mistake!

Flipz, those chocolate covered pretzel treats? IMO, they missed an opportunity to have Benicio del Toro be a spokesman for them back in 1995.

It was only three months ago, why are people pretending AB was cut for using a shrimp fork to eat the salad course?

Cakes are cooking for Wink Martindale, Lee Smith, and Jay-Z.

So that Peleton exercise bike commercial…what’s up with that?

And speaking of bicycles, whoever promises to paint over the bike lanes like Kramer did the lane dividers on the Arthur Burkhardt Expressway will be the next Mayor of Boston.

I call the Carolina Hurricanes the WhalerCanes! Not really.

Good job, good effort, Michigan Wolverines.

I’m already sick of turkey leftovers. There; I said it.

Farewell and good luck, Sandy Leon.

Another Groundhog Day meets Memento huge Patriots fan response to a loss.

The beard doesn’t make James Harden less likable, but it sure doesn’t help.

You’re better than that, Needham and Wellsley.

There’s an ‘Ask Jerry’ segment on NESN where Jerry Remy dispenses life advice? Wait; what?

The thought of pond hockey just makes my weak ankles ache.

What’s to say De Niro’s character in The Irishman didn’t always beat up grocers like an old man?

“Watch out for black ice” is a phrase they must stress has to be enunciated very carefully in TV meteorologist school.

Eagles are acting like Billy Crystal when asked about Mr. Saturday Night 2.

What’s this I hear about Lucy leaving WEEI to spend more time with another woman’s family?

Tinsel, of course is a contraction of ‘tin icicle.’

Honk if you remember Callahan’s Steak House in Newton Highlands.

200 NHL goals for Krejci. Pretty neat.

Why were C’s fans focused on Kyrie Irving, Jaylen? Maybe because you played his new team twice within 3 days, and he sat out both games with an earache or a hysterical pregnancy or some such nonsense?

Tree looks great! Little full. Lotta sap.

Kids today have no idea of the frustration when turning on the radio to hear if school was cancelled due to snow and finding that the list was on the alphabetically next letter.

Best bet for the weekend: Mahomesophobia returns.

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11/27 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

SKWANTOE!!! DEAD FISH PLANT WIT CORN SEEDES??? WHAT IS THE REASONING!?!?!?!?

Huit contre un? Sacre moo!

So, did the NFL tell the Cowboys that they shouldn’t have called the tripping, or, that they weren’t penalties? Because those are two different things.

Dame Fashion says denim suits come back into vogue in 2020.

Woo Sox. Woo Sox? Woo Sox.

Someone should ask Coach Bill if it’s always smart to have recency bias in the NFL.

I wonder why Upton Bell doesn’t correct his friend Bootleg Barnacle when the latter mentions shopping recently at long-closed retail establishments. Isn’t he concerned about his chum’s mental acuity?

Kyrie. No profiles in courage there.

The ‘this is what happens if you try to deep fry a frozen turkey’ warning videos are better than the ‘dangers of fireworks’ warning videos.

Cakes are cooking for Manolo Blahnik, William Fichtner, and Adam Archuleta.

No shame in losing your first game so far to last year’s champs, UMass.

Maybe Patrick Mahomes should announce he now fully identifies as a Fraggle to earn back some of the attention Lamar Jackson pilfered from him.

I wonder if they listen to Alice’s Restaurant on Thanksgiving at Gerry’s.

B’s sign Coyle & Wagner to multi-year extensions? Why not?

I liked things better when nostalgia wasn’t as prevalent.

The Woo Sox are so going to have a Ric Flair Night, aren’t they?

Excited to see how the Patriots play in decent weather with Wynn and a reconstituted receiving corps.

Plymouth Rock is underwhelming. There, I said it.

This is probably the last Thanksgiving you can show up with a carton of menthols in a single use plastic bag as your hostess gift.

Well played, Stephen F. Austin.

Beagles really can’t be trained to expertly butter toast, no matter what that Charlie Brown special implied.

Del, what are you doing here? You said you were going home, what are you doing here?

Get well soon Kemba…, wait, he’s playing? Good. Never mind.

Honk if you remember Costello.

Running backs are fun, they are not fungible.

To be fair, I think that Samurai Johnson guy learned to speak English by watching Don Rickles YouTube clips.

Can’t handle the heat, cupcake?

So are the people who put up the hand-lettered flyers looking to buy diabetic test strips the same people who buy houses?

Best bet for the weekend: turkey tetrazzini.

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11/20 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

So dark. So early. April is not the cruelest month.

Well actually, *I* look tired and frustrated.

Great time to be a Boston sports fan. You’re gonna get sick of all the winning! Not literally; that would be weird.

Bet this Frozen II, The Refreezing movie does well.

I liked it better when I could read something written by Tom E. Curran about Tom Brady without seeing Tom Senior’s grubby fingerprints all over it.

An entirely healthy Celtics team would make a nice Christmas present.

You put an everything bagel in the bag, that makes them all everything bagels!

Cakes are cooking for Norman Greenbaum, Bo Derek, JD Drew, and Sen Dog.

Kicking Lane Johnson when he’s down *is* having fun. Sorrey!

Jimmie Johnson to retire? See what you did Mike Lynch!?

The phrase phrenology surrounding Brady’s pressers and radio show call ins is literally exhausting.

Grezlcyk? That can’t be right. (checks) well I’ll be.

But why would the newspaper owned by Red Sox ownership employ as their head NFL writer someone so antagonistic to Patriots fans and oh now I hear it.

Is the Herald still going to re-run Gerry’s Thanksgiving column next week?

Shank pivoting to scribble out a defense of Manny Ramirez’s at the behest of JWH is roughly equivalent to the time Criqui and Cross wore Patriots team logo shirts during a preseason broadcast. Probably.

Yams? Sweet potatoes? Different?

(Trenchant observation goes here.)

ThEy OvErPaId JaYlEn BrOwN!

Cape Cod? Technically an island since the construction of the Canal. You’re welcome.

Gronk and AB aren’t coming back, are they?

No Haggs; it’s not time to worry about #37.

A ‘fall finale’? That, quite frankly, sounds made up.

The Philly Special was an illegal formation. There, I said it.

Good luck at your new job, Ben Cherington.

Honk if you remember when this column was called Clearing Out the Sports Junk Drawer.

UMass is a basketball school anyway. 5-0!

I would see the movie about the making of a ‘Julia Robets as Harriet Tubman’ movie.

Has anyone ever seen Ted Sarandis and Ambassador Sondlund at the same place at the same time? Weird!

Memba the Malice at the Palace? Memba that?

You ever touch a light bulb thinking it was a LED only to find out by burned fingertips it was an old incandescent bulb? Yeah, me neither.

Best bet for the weekend: Cowboys fans representing at Gillette.

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11/13 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Turtle Turtle.

Surprised that The Boston Globe didn’t remind everyone on Veterans Day not to thank Kyle Eckel for his service.

Bonnie and Clyde had better luck than the Bruins this season when it comes to shootouts.

The next Dez dance video thing will be the first funny one, I’m sure.

Get well soon Gordon Hayward. It was touching that Tatum as a tribute shot like he had a busted hand during the Dallas game.

Alabama may have lost at home, but cheer up, they will probably win something at the American Music Awards in two weeks. 23 total wins!

Best of luck with the San Francisco Baseball Giants Gabe Kapler.

Cakes are cooking for Chris Noth, Tracy Scoggins, and Walter Kibby.

We know what you originally wrote, Aidan. We know.

There were no signs Grapes could be a weirdo. Just the wearing clothes made out of fabrics normally found on couches at Graceland.

I hope this The Man: DeLorean show over on Disney Plus recounts his time as a designer at General Motors.

That team-released video of Coach Harbro lavishing praise on Lamar Jackson gave me a not so fresh feeling.

The MLB awards voters must be Red Sox fans what with overvalueing Mookie Betts with Golden Glove and Silver Slugger awards. Right, Dan?

What’s the word? Thunderbird!

Don’t touch Jimmy!

Meemo? Meemsy? Meemerino? Mary? Mare? Double M? Where you been? Send up a flare.

The almond Snickers Bar is better than the original.
Don’t @ me.

Gronk isn’t coming back. At all.

Know this: Dyeing your hair and (sniff) goatee Raven black won’t make Bill afraid of you, Lou.

I’m proud of you, Greater Boston for putting on a brave face and continuing doing your day to day activities even after Doyle’s Cafe closed.

Congratulations to AL Manager of the Year Rocco Baldelli, local kid made good.

In Maine, Tacko Fall turns to Tacko Winter ’bout this time of year. Ayuh.

So with this cold snap approaching I went to make a withdrawal from my daylight savings account and there was nothing in there! I’m blaming the Russians.

This Houston Astros sign-stealing story should have John W. Henry demanding draconian punishment like a sainted Mara Family member. But to do so would, by extension, help who he perceives to be his team’s true rival, the Patriots. Such the dilemma.

Honk if you remember when cars had two keys, one for the doors & trunk, and another for the ignition.

Days like today are when all those bicycle lanes really pay dividends.

Only 255 days until the Summer Olympics Opening Ceremonies.

The Davis Cup is tennis, and the Ryder Cup is golf, right? Just checking.

Some eyebrow-raising Captain’s Picks for the US Ryder Cup squad.

Tell us again what a good guy John Tomase is, fellow media types. After all, a lie repeated enough becomes the truth.

Nice weather we’re having, if you’re a Tibetan Mastiff.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t add this: No one, and I mean no one, honors our military like Dale Arnold.

Best bet for the weekend; Philly fan being Philly fan.

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11/6 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

SSBN-636 USS Nathaniel Greene.
An OK Boomer.

Trust me; having lived through it the first time, you didn’t want the Patriots to be undefeated going into the playoffs. It. Was. Exhausting.

It’s ok to admit that Tuukka gives up too many soft goals in the second of back-to-back games against hated rivals two days after Patriots losses. It is!

I’m starting to think Gordon Hayward wasn’t the problem last year.

Stick around another year JD, Red Sox could use your batting skill.

Those x cross section coffee stirrers at Cumberland Farms don’t work well. At all.

Oh my goodness: did you see there was a CAT on the football field! How did it even GET there?!?

Celtics really let 98.5 down by winning the other night.

Bruins needed to save some non-overturnable goals from Monday to Tuesday!

Jimmy Garoppolo the person, I don’t know. Jimmy Garoppolo the player, I don’t mind. But Jimmy Garoppolo the cudgel to deploy against Bill the GM, I can’t stand.

Cakes are cooking for Peter DeLuise, Ethan Hawke, and Zoe McLellan.

It’s too bad Alex Rodriguez was on the broadcast team for the World Series, because you know he wanted to interrupt Game Seven with an announcement that he and JLo eloped.

The General car insurance commercials really lost something when they dropped the penguin sidekick. There; I said it.

We only have to endure three more weeks of NFL coaching staffs costumed like they’re assaulting the Empire’s shield generator on the Forest Moon of Endor.

‘Load management’ sounds like a term that originated in the adult film industry.

Get well soon, fella who faceplanted into the ice whose name escapes me right now.

If Deadspin still existed, they all could have written about Nationals catcher Kurt Suzuki callously wearing a MAGA hat. And would have. Alas.

I don’t care what the view counter shows, only 50 people are going to read this article. Fifty!

This just in: Liberty just scored another touchdown on UMass.

That ‘Everybody Needs Somebody To Love’ Amazon ad? No. Just no.

College hoops are back, baby!

Ford vs Ferrari? Sounds like a mismatch. I may have to see it to find out what happened.

Brown eggs are local eggs, and local eggs are brown.

Good for you Andy Gresh.

Honk if you remember Robert Plant asking ‘Does anybody remember laughter?’

Oh, and sorry this wasn’t ready to be published earlier. I blame the switch back to Standard Time from Idiotic Pretend Time.

Shirl’s latest column earns two hot peppers.

Dwight Evans belongs in Cooperstown, even if weirdo Bill James thinks so, too.

I have grave concerns about the fading possibilities of Peter King’s Fairness Bowl.

Best bet for the weekend: visits to the turkey farm.

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/30

Scary.

Congratulations to the 2019 World Series Champion Houston Astros Washington Nationals.

I’ve got sports seasonal overlap disorder, and its a good thing.

Nick Chubb? He’s a (sniff) cute little RB2.

Looks like the Celtics are better than game one indicated.

Pasta The Great Kid playing like The Great One.

The BSJ Mike Loyko investigation is now officially a cold case.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’, Other Bennett Brother. Aloha.

Welcome to Boston, Chaim Bloom. Figure out how to keep Mookie.

Whither Deadspin?

Peter King’s stubborn refusal to understand the NFL’s scheduling system is utterly exasperating.

Can’t wait to see that ‘Not dissimilar to actual events’ Midway movie.

Not being from around here, Sanu gets a pass from me for the ‘Beantown’ cleats.

Tiger Woods is still good at golf.

Coach Flores may not last the season in Miami.

You can’t tell me CBS is still airing episodes of ‘Madam President’.

Cakes are cooking for Henry Winkler, Timothy B. Schmit, and Nastia Liukin.

There’s going to be lots of disappointed kids out there trick or treating with no NECCO Wafers to be had.

That Mike Nugent Pats jersey was probably a bad investment.

Someday I’d like to be as good at something as people think Joe Buck is at his job.

Hood Eggnog in the stores already.

I hear tell the Ravens are decidedly not afraid to play you.

Honk if you remember Mindy McCready.

Well UMass, there’s always the hockey team.

300 wins for Coach Bill Belichick. Quite the accomplishments. When does he pass Parcells on the list?

Robert Evans, you led quite a life. RIP.

Hey dummy; your obvious burner account is an obvious burner account.

Best bet for the weekend: putting the storm windows up.

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Reminder

Not Afraid.

The Ravens are NOT afraid to come HERE and play YOU! But what really is going to happen is that YOU have to go THERE and play THEM!

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/23

Eight more days til Halloween. Halloween, Halloween. Eight more days til Halloween. Silver Shamrock.

Going to be strange seeing old friend Al Horford in a Sixers uniform tonight. Go Celtics.

If everything goes right for the Patriots, Mr. Kraft is going to have to find a way to buy a lot of championship rings. More than normal.

I think Pasta has made the transition from Good Kid to Great Kid.

October Baseball is unscriptable.

So who wants to hear some fantasy football bye week bad beat stories? Nobody? Ok.

Hey LeBron, wha’ happened?

It’s odd not to have a rooting interest in the World Series.

Wait; that marathon runner who broke the two hour barrier didn’t set the mark in an actual marathon? What do they think we are, rubes?

Cakes are cooking for Pele, Ang Lee, and Weird Al Yankovic

When are they moving the fences back in Yankee Stadium?

Everyone get the Sanu wordplay out of your system.

Hey, Janos will be back tweeting, if that’s your bowl of soup.

I swear the Globe should put a spicy pepper symbol next to Shirley Leung’s columns to warn us of any hot takes contained therein!

Maybe don’t agree to be miked up if you’re going to get all angry that the network broadcast stuff you said while you were miked up. Just a thought.

BC Football definitely has a shot at the Carquest Bowl.

Bill Macy died? You think they’ll let Felicity out of jail early now on bereavement grounds?

Good luck in the Windy City, David Ross.

‘Zachary S. Dancer’ would make a good Secret Twitter account pseudonym.

Yorkshire Terriers quite frankly look ridiculous with their fur trimmed short.

8-0 is still in play.

You can have the Night Court theme music, I’ll take the Barney Miller theme song.

Honk if you remember other people writing for this site.

Take the Last Train to Mutesville, friendo.

Jaylen Brown didn’t even need a ‘Get Paid’ tattoo.

The Bennett brothers. Amirite?

You heard it here first; Chaim Bloom.

Best bet for the weekend: The Washington Nationals.

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/17

Foliage Drive SZN.

Near as I can tell, the Bruins are on a pace to go (adding machine clacking noises) 80-1-1. My math could be off.

That was quite the Lambeau Screw Job on Monday Night.

So splashing red paint on Columbus statuary; is that some kind of Ohio State thing?

I had never heard of an NBA two-way contract until about a week ago.

I think if the Patriots had ever had a player named Demaryius I would have remembered that.

Nice work, Washington Nationals. Will you vote Youppi! a playoff share?

I give Trump’s handling of the Turkish situation Four Gobbles.

Can you minor in Interpreting Body Language at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting?

Globies trying to make ‘Fort Foxborough’ a thing is so fetch.

I remember exactly where I was on Balloon Boy Day. #NeverForget

No pressure Houston, but you could make 25 million Yankees fans all sad.

Cakes are cooking for George Wendt, Ziggy Marley, and Mae Jemison.

The Ewing Theory, is that about J R., or Bobby?

I mean, I remember an Adalius Thomas being a short-time Patriot.

Pasta may be a Better Kid this season.

Celtics being 4-0 in the preseason? Sure, why not?

I really wish there were a great nature photograph of a fox startling a marmot. Ah well. Someday.

Young Hocules and his crew is will be calling the Pats/Planes MNF? Yikes.

Know this: Valuencing ain’t easy.

Schefty should not try to do anything more athletic than speak on two cell phones at the same time.

Brach’s maple candy corn? Blech.

I enjoy modulating amplitude, Craig; I really do.

So, what you’re saying is, that The Champ *IS* Here? Gotcha. Thx.

Today, a German Shepherd dog, while still carrying a 5 foot long downed branch in its mouth, barked repeatedly at me. Takes talent.

Coming in 2020 to the CW: Twitter Doctor.

Honk if you remember Waquoit.

Is there a Peter King’s Fairness Bowl Curse? I’m just asking the question!

You take Nanci, for me Loretta’s fine.

Tomorrow would be a great day to announce we’re raising prices here at BJBSJ. You know, if we charged for anything.

Ah, October baseball. To quote Peter Gammons, “Isheyyr uehdhuc3 hehdhxhd! ueidie.”

Best bet for the weekend: what else but The Head of the Charles Regatta? Finally!

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Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/9

A nice Sunday to go apple picking, yes? Maybe.

Waiting for the Boston Globe to congratulate the Red Sox for their efforts in fighting childhood obesity by reducing the number of ‘kids eat free’ promotions at the Ninety Nine after wins this season, as compared to last.

Bobos think the Patriots can paper over their offensive shortcomings in time for tomorrow night’s game. Honks won’t admit the team has problems on offense.

Is ‘Halak and Alas’ the Bruins backup netminder answer to the ‘Boo Hoo Tuukka Crew’ dumb phrase at 98.5? If not, they are welcome to it.

The way I see it, this NBA/China crisis is a case of danger plus opportunity.

Kudos to the Minnesota Twins on a job…done.

The Connecticut Sun could win the WNBA Finals Thursday. Or Washington Mystics head coach Mike Thibault could win his elusive first title.

Dan Fouts has a walking case of CTE: Can’t Talk Enough.

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see. Believe me.

Which NL teams have the momentum? Hard to say.

I bet the worst thing about being the Postmaster General is the rare times when you have to disapprove a mailbox design.

Being tasked as bullpen catcher with keeping Derek Lowe out of the NU dorms prematurely aged poor ousted Red Sox pitching coach Dana LeVangie. Here’s hoping his new assignment is less stressful.

With his poor handshake etiquette one might think Baker Mayfield was from Natick!

UMass Football is saving it’s point scoring for the critical Homecoming Game versus UConn. Probably.

Cakes are cooking for Robert Wuhl, Mike Singletary, and Henrik Zetterberg.

The only mafia that doesn’t deny its own existence is Bills Mafia.

The makeshift table unhurriedly collapsing atop that hopefully not dead Bills Mafioso’s prone form in that viral Nashville tailgate video was like something from a Chuck Jones Roadrunner cartoon.

I hope Greg Bedard can bring closure to the Mike Loyko investigation before he inevitably shutters his site.

In the time it took you to read this far, Delaware North has stuffed another 56 seats into the TD Garden.

Good thing that young lady on the Twitter wasn’t able to cancel Kevin Youkilis.

That iPhone commercial where that toddler trips in the crosswalk nearly in front of a bus is upsetting.

I respect the hell out of the undefeated 1969 Medfield HS football team.

If there’s one thing in my life that’s missing, it’s the time that I spend alone sailing on the cool and bright clear water.

Tacko Fall needs a nickname. I am going to call him ‘The Big Chalupa.” Feel free to do so as well.

Bob Costas would’ve made a great barista had he not gone into broadcasting.

Brief movie review: Ad Astra? More like Sad Dadstra.

The Vanity Fair article about Bob Kraft’s visits to the Orchids of Asia day spa makes him look even more like a needy rube, if you can believe that.

Vaya con fetti, Rip Taylor.

You did not hear this from me, but word on the street is that Nick has Premium.

Honk if you remember zany zappers.

This just in: Mike Lynch is still retired from Channel 5, and Rob Gronkowski is still retired from professional football.

It just follows that there had to have been a single A battery at one time, yes?

So as I’m entering the rest room at the local TJ Maxx, I nearly bump into a guy combing his hair and I’m all like “hey, watch what you’re doing Edd ‘Kookie’ Byrnes!” and he deftly replies “that’s a terribly out-of-date cultural reference.” and I had no choice but to ruefully agree with him.

Did their bye week arrive at the right time for .500 Boston College?

Best bet for the weekend: tourists in the North End for the Columbus Day Holiday.

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