01/13/2021 A Very Carefully Worded Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

U.S. President Donald Trump smiles after presenting the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Boston Celtics legend and Basketball Hall of Famer Bob Cousy in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, U.S., August 22, 2019. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque – RC122C28C900

Yes, but Cousy accepting the Medal is different. Okay.

I wish I got excited about anything as much as hockey writers do about who is elected the team captain.

Bedard’s gone full QSZN Twitter.

Everyone on Twitter fully embarrassing themselves today.

Did you know George Blanda looked worse at age 43 than Tom Brady does?

Fake Season 2, Hardwood Boogaloo is underway.

Cakes are cooking for Bob Baffert, Mark O’ Meara, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Suggs, and Kelly Boucher.

Blue checkmark outrage profiteers are gonna blue checkmark outrage profiteer.

News Item: Bruins to retire Willie O’Ree’s #22. Red Sox counter by doubling the decorations budget for the October “Pumpkins With Pumpsie” dance.

Manish on with the 98.5 Morning Zookeepers? What’s on tap for next week, an interview with somebody who was kicked off the Phoenix Suns beat?

I guess Ultra Slim Fast doesn’t make you immortal.

Wearing an easily identifiable article of clothing during the commission of a crime seems like a bad idea. Marvin Barnes could have told some of the insurrectionists that. But Marvin is dead, so you’d need a time machine. And Marvin ain’t getting in no damn time machine.

Air frying kielbasa? What?

Loud helicopters!

Bruce Arians always looks like he’s carrying a colostomy bag with him.

Evander Kane forced to declare Bedardruptcy?

His Twitter name is ‘Transient Existence’. We should have seen his return coming. We cheerfully retract our RIP message. Aloha!

Why are chicken pot pies in four locations in Market Basket? Inefficient!

Add ‘flexible ankles’ to Lazar’s Dictionary of Sports Nonsenses.

Who the hell is Alden Blaho?

How would moi..fix the targeting rule..in college football..1) if the same player gets called for it twice in one game ..then he is disqualified..instead of once However..2) if it is the result of launching and or headhunting..then if its first offense..sinaria

A Livestrong bracelet in 2018 is an interesting choice.

Blehhhh!! Passive voice!! Blehhhhh!!!

Pence has an Oedipal complex and Trump has whatever the opposite of that is.

TITTPT. #OldBoard

A down season for NE, but Pittsburgh is unable to capitalize? Sad!

What does virology mean to you, Kyrie?

In personal news I bought new winter boots. So if it doesn’t snow again this season, you’ll know who’s responsible.

It’s been so long, since I’ve seen her face.
You say she’s doing fine. I still recall a sad cafe.
How it hurt so bad to see her cry; .I didn’t want to say good-bye
Send her my love, memories remain. Send her my love, roses never fade.
Send her my love.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is ‘carefully-drafted statement.’

Roll Tide: you took what was yours.

So Linda’s frontyard were store-bought big fakies? Talk about deceit bordering on un-sportsmanlike, to borrow a phrase from the late Clark Booth.

No trading Benny Blockchain away!!

Actually, Steve Trevor would be familiar with both escalators and subways, as they existed since the 19th century. Patty.

Viennetta!

Ol’ Rex wouldn’t turn down a Medal of Freedom, no siree! He’ll tell ya that much!

The answer is always Clark Booth. But, what’s the question?

NHL is back, baby!

Honk if you remember Bill Ayers.

Now we won’t have to dognap Nike or call in a bomb threat to the Nantucket airport. Whew!

You put some respect on Jonathan Cain’s name.

Red Sox? In on everyone!

Happy 40th year on the air, Matty in the Morning.

Best bet for the weekend: the broadcast mentioning Brees and Brady’s ages.

Happier times with the girls.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, Fwamingham Matt and #the15 were used in this column.

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Sophistry – organoleptically perceive it!

(h/t @FetzerValves)

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Moar Comix

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01/06/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Good kids. Not as good as Pasta, though. Good, I said. With a ‘d’.

The good news is, I’m now eligible to cohost CNN’s 2022 New Year’s Eve broadcast.

I never got the chance to call him Big Z.

Can’t wait for the statue of Coach Peterson deciding to put Sudfeld in.

Reminder that BJBSJ is a news gathering association of concerned citizens.

Make sure you let a local random D-level media member know who will likely be a head coach in the future.

Anyways John Dennis says hi. Just kidding: he doesn’t want to talk to any of you anjerks.

Down by contact? Feh! Hold onto the ball.

Ready for hysterical meme of the swearing white kid Celtics fan growing up to be Pritchard. Hold on to your socks for that one.

The media being all giddy over coaches being fired is why we don’t care when one of the media loses their job.

Cakes are cooking for Darlene Hard, Ian Millar, Nancy Lopez, Howie Long, and Gabrielle Reece.

News Item: Bianca Smith Hired by Red Sox as First Female Hitting Coach in MLB History. “I shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong with your swing, you should just know.”

I’m glad that nice Table lady lady got some good publicity with this Leo visit. I heard she couldn’t make rent last month!

Dame is the Venom to Steph’s Spidey.

One of my favorite Mike Reiss quirks is his referring to questioners by their Twitter handle: ‘Thanks @PebblyBallLicker173, great question about the 2009 Patriots team.’

Didn’t realize the Celtics drafted John Stockton. At least the overhype train didn’t die with Tommy.

I hope the “Running Up the Score” police were dispatched to Buffalo. That’s two weeks in a row now.

It might be better to just say who the Red Sox AREN’T interested in. #letchaimcook

Tara Sullivan’s postgame questions to both Belichick and Newton were idiotic. Belichick had to make her repeat it because it made no sense.

That post you thought you saw early New Year’s Day? An example of the Mandela Effect. Any alleged proof? Photoshopped.

Whither Smaven?

Poor Tanya Roberts got the dead-alive-dead again Pat Burns treatment.

Cam isn’t going to apologize for winning the Ron Hobson Media Good Guy Award!

Some of them songs on Bruce’s last album trend toward self-parody.

It was supposed to be a seamless transition!

You know what else is tacky as fuck, Jen Royle? Saying something is tacky as fuck.

Hey Gangnam Gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is ‘The internet is not forever.” And the alternate Phrase is “This ice cube tastes funny.”

Wait, Steph can’t be Spidey. Spida has to be Spidey.

John Elway? He’s now a Figurehorsehead. hic!

Mr. Tillman, for the seventh time,
We have no knowledge of a film that is being shot outside.
Those aren’t extras in a movie; they’re our clientele.
No, they aren’t running lines and they aren’t exactly thrilled.
Would you like a Regalo on the patio?
Is there someone we can call?
Perhaps you shouldn’t drink alone.

Senator Harris forgot the ‘everyone clapped’ stinger at the end of her ‘Fweedom’ story.

Pete King once again invokes “weird” to describe something out of the ordinary. A real wordsmith.

NHL sells naming rights for divisions to corporate sponsors Scotia, Honda, Discover, and MassMutual.

Mini waffle maker!

Dee Virgin is the best name since Stubby Clapp.

Nice win, U.S. Juniors. Real nice.

Has Gerry Callahan ever tweeted something where you go, “Wow, that’s an unexpected take!”?

People who discount Katie Nolan as nothing more than big tits and a smirk are forgetting about her terrific ass.

Deep discount tire stores have fewer retreads than Boston sports radio.

Honk if you remember Clay Matthews the Elder.

Eighteen years, Ye. Eighteen years.

Crazy Eyes Nick Casiero to become Houston Texans new GM. Has Deshaun Watson been spotted at the Hertz counter at Logan yet?

Andy Gresh has been granted his release?

Best bet for the weekend: Brady and Gronk rolling over a tomato can on Saturday night.

Bruins playing in the MassMut East Division?

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, and #the15 were used in this columnHappy New Year.

Sorry for the big Mutnansky face pic. Here’s one of Tanya Roberts as a palate cleanser.
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Sunday Comic(s)

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What We Learned in 2020

I guess we learned not do that again.

By the BJBSJournal staff

Twenty years of combined success is no match for the yappa-yappa-yappa.

Winning over Red Sox fans is easy, even easier than winning a trade war with China!

Gary Tanguay self-identifies as an actor.

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

Helicopters can’t fly through mountains.

DJ Bean is even less talented at songwriting than he is at hot taking.

You can’t even joke around about slitting people’s throats anymore. The fuck is this world coming to?

Tyreek Hill has great body language, thus is clearly a great guy.

Atlanta just hits different.

Trenni really needs the NBCSN makeup department to live in her condo.

Dame and Spida. The future of #ThisLeague.

A hatter on retainer does not a QB make.

The Massachusetts State Police has a Twitter Hijinks division.

Pasta is a good kid.

There were new definitions for hospital balls and RPO’s

Chaim can absolutely cook. He just needs someone to turn the stove on for him on Saturdays.

We’ve apparently been in a FAKE DROUGHT since 2015.

Luke Voit is simply a naturally talented power hitter.

A significant portion of readers of The Athletic are utterly fascinated by the intersection of sports and pop culture, but only if it happened fifty to eighty years ago.

The Red Sox ownership group will gladly admit in a statement their fans are racist, if it will lead to smidgen of social justice clout.

That’s a mushroom cloud. That’s atomic.

Charlotte Wilder could teach a killer master class on the anatomy of a joke.

Neither WEEI management nor Gary Tanguay understand what ‘getting fired’ means.

It isn’t an act. Ben Volin really is that dumb.

The Red Sox traded likable, League MVP winning Mookie Betts for sketchy Alex Verdugo, and they expect you to be fine with that.

Tanya Ray Fox lost followers this year.

Richard Dietsch is reading this right now. Because I typed out the words ‘Richard Dietsch.’

Bro’s before Ho’s. *(Unless that Ho is Evan Lazar.)

Ted Sarandis has a powerful legal team.

34 passing yards is actually good. Grind the tape and you’d know, dummy.

Danny Ainge is a Mormon, and is on the hot seat.

Although he didn’t coach last year, #FireCora

Elle Duncan is Black.

You can fix depression with a $200 alarm clock.

Bob Ryan discovered Twix Bars.

Jimmy Murphy is ready to fight, and he wants YOU to know it.

Linda Pizutti Henry is qualified to be the CEO of Boston Globe Media Corp.

WWIIFelger was Derek Chauvin, basically.

Apparently, Jon Meterparel still lives in the area.

Cam knows he has to play better.

Chris Gasper doesn’t like it when you correctly call out his sophistry.

There were two professional lacrosse leagues, since merged into one.

Cancel culture can’t be all bad if it got rid of Swishy Andelman.

All NBA reporters everywhere work every Christmas, and deserve your respect.

OMG first Brady now Chara!

2020 began with Marisa Ingemi employed and ended with Marisa Ingemi employed. In like a lamb, out like a lion.

BJBSJ. Had it first.

Ramones Time, Right Now, In This Town.
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12/30/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Christmas is past. On to next year.

Who has even criticized Cam Newton for running in touchdowns? Complete straw man argument.

More a wet Christmas than a White Christmas, amirite?

“DJ Bean” sounds like a pseudonym someone would use at a bathhouse. Coincidence?

Hey, haters and losers, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is ‘Your not important, their was fraud.’

Oh you have migraines? Maybe try putting down your phone and not following up every tweet.

Covid truther Gerry Callahan left the house with such a Boo Radley-ian frequency in 2020, I’m beginning to think Tom Robinson moved in next door.

Cakes are cooking for Sandy Koufax, Janet Mills, Michael Nesmith, Guy Edwards, and Michelle McGann.

Athlete Account of the Year: Ryan Kalish.

Cam feels terrible all the momentum disappeared after Folk’s missed extra point!

Some poor bastard in the Mexican-American War bought the farm because his nominal guardian angel Clarence Oddbody was sleeping off his rum punch.

Sometimes you just need to have a bacon cheeseburger and a glass of red wine at 3:45pm, ya know?

Minihane making a charitable endeavor about his own personal vendettas? I am shocked.

If that dummy’s website name wasn’t a direct quote it would no doubt be titled “All Politic’s Are Local.”

If Cam does everything Bill has asked of him, maybe Bill should ask him to pass for more than 30 total yards this Sunday. Just a thought.

Just don’t call Nick Saban late for dinner!

Energy Principle. As toe off occurs from ground, wrist is reaching its extension point at the end of upward arm motion ensuring energy transfer & transition into the propulsive push into ball flight.

Best smile in Boston Sports media? Keith Smith in a landslide.

More #Rams news: The team placed WR Cooper Kupp on the Reserve/COVID-19 list.

Jared Carrabis searches his name on Twitter. You know what to do.

Emmanuel Acho makes me think of the GEICO ads that needed to explicitly mention Brian Orakpo’s name so we’d know who the hell he was.

Been feeling off and unsure last few days and now that I realize it was a full moon in Cancer last night it all makes sense.

We drank a toast to innocence. We drank a toast to time. Reliving in our eloquence. Another ‘auld lang syne’. The beer was empty and our tongues were tired, and running out of things to say. She gave a kiss to me as I got out and I watched her drive away. Just for a moment I was back at school and felt that old familiar pain. And as I turned to make my way back home the snow turned into rain.

The olds love the touch lamps with the 3-way bulbs.

Red Line: Delays of up to 10 minutes due to an official investigating a report of a person walking on the tracks between South Station and Downtown Crossing.

It sucks to lose a dog. Hug your furry beasties a little tighter.

The Great and General Court is in no hurry to legalize sports betting in the Commonwealth. At all.

Liking Blink 182 should be grounds for a recall petition.

I think the Greenteamers are gonna like this Pritchard kid. What? What did I say? Oh, that. And that.

It breaks my heart to see more discarded masks littering the ground than losing scratch tickets. We need this pandemic to end.

Honk if you don’t forget auld acquaintance.

I liked the Cheez-It Bowl better when it was the Carquest Bowl.

RIP @transientexist.

Even Dumb Movies like Wonder Woman 84 can gets suckers to watch.

Still Team Stidhsy.

Prop Bet for 2021: Over/under 13.5 new Dan Lifshatz twitter accounts.

Best bet for the weekend: Iowa State in the Fiesta Bowl.

We’re on to 2021.

Wet Blankets & Wet Bandits.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, and #the15 were used in this column. Dedicated to the memory of Roan, a good dog.

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Happy Christmas Eve Cartoon Tyme

Thank you to our talented cartoonists, whose names I forget, and to our intern, who was supposed to upload this post but forgot their login credentials. Good Job. Good Effort. Merry. Happy.

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12/23/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Merry Xmas!

Good luck this semi-fake season Celtics. Anything is possible.

Just so DJ Bean is clear, the Sports Junk Drawer is not click bait, either.

Eggnog. Arguably the best nog.

More tackles broken in the backfield than any game I can ever remember.

I just assumed every strip club has it’s own assigned NBA player, the way country clubs and muni courses each have a golf pro.

Does Chris Gasper have a holiday scarf collection? Just asking the question.

Nothing is a better remedy for seasonal affective disorder than a trip to Puerto Vallarta somebody else paid for.

I guess the DSM-5 doesn’t recognize ‘Attention From Strangers-Deficit Disorder’ as an actual malady. Maybe the 6 will.

So Bob Ryan just learned about the Tuck Rule, and Twix, I guess the Tylenol Product Tampering Poisonings from 1982 comes next.

If you want Bruins news that occasionally beats the big boys you check out Jimmie Murphy at whatever blog he does! Days of Y’Orr, maybe?

Cam Newton is actually playing pretty great if you’re not using traditional metrics like completions and yards and touchdowns and wins!

Cakes are cooking for Jorma Kaukonen, Bill Rodgers, Carla Bruni, and Finn Wolfhard.

Paul Pierce is The Truth. And The Truth belongs in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Cube steak prepared the right way is nothing to sleep on.

“Battle ax” – That’s what the goalies call their sticks. Only ice hockey insiders know that.

Here’s hoping for the Next Man Up at the sports desk at Channel 5.

So I won an Amazon Fire Stick at a holiday raffle. But I can’t find where you’re supposed to fill it with lighter fluid. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Speaking of fire, that poor busboy at the Cocoanut Grove thinks N’Keal Harry has passed him as the most unfairly reviled person in the Greater Boston Area.

Ron Rivera says in looking around the league, the Washington Football Team decided a fine for Dwayne Haskins was in line with what has been the standard this year. No suspension or taking reps away.

Orange Line: Delays of up to 10 minutes southbound due to a train with an earlier mechanical problem approaching North Station.

‘It’s a Fine Conjunction.’ – Evan Lazar, probably.

News Item: supermodel Stella Tennant dies at age 50. When did she play for the Steelers?

What can WEEI do to boost their ratings? Lou can’t dye his hair any darker! He’s all out of ideas!

WARRIOR Ice Arena is humming with the sound of Bruins practice!

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gain
Next year all our troubles will be miles away.

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithfull friends who are near to us
Will be dear to us
Once more.

Somedays soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas, now.

Pasta is a Good Kid AND a Good Guy.

Governor Baker wants #The15 to not meet in one indoor location.

Hey there gang, this week’s emergency backup Phrase that Pays is “Daddy doesn’t make the rules.”

James Harden got strawberry juices all over Olojuwan’s retired jersey? Oh no.

Gasper’s been singing Jedd Fisch’s praises for months, probably.

Smize!

Honk if you remember the Boston Garden’s smaller ice surface.

Dogs seem to love Christmas. They get IT.

Bryant beats UMass. I’d weep, but my tears were vacated.

Am I nuts, or does that Patriots practice setlist feature a lot of Young Jeezy?

Lotta closet space over at WCVB. Apparently.

Best bet for the weekend: Hatrack Newton starts.

Have a safe Youksmas Eve.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, and #the15 were used in this column. God bless us; every one.

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12/17/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Bwahahahahaha!

Shelby Scott SZN.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for not clicking a Steve Buckley article.

Kyrie’s “pawns” comment is wrong… pawns can actually be useful.

Is MapQuest still a thing?

Walt Coleman’s correct call didn’t cost you the Snow Bowl, Raiders. Way to compete.

I’m starting to think this low budget 80’s movie didn’t pay enough attention to the small details.

Cakes are cooking for Wes Studi, Bill Pullman, Bob Stinson, Michele Tafoya,  Milla Jovovich, and N’Keal Harry.

And cakes we cooked yesterday for Jon Tenney, Billy Ripken, Miranda Otto, Mariza, and Trevor Immelman are in the break room.

I’ve been to some low end harness racing tracks.

Where’s Hunter Renfroe? With the Red Sox!

Fine, if I buy something from you people, will you STOP sending Sharper Image catalogues!?

Giants OC Jason Garrett has tested positive for COVID-19. Freddie Kitchens will call plays for the team on Sunday.

The dumb renumbering of the exit numbers of the MassPike makes me want to punch a bureaucrat. But I probably have to fill out a bunch of forms to do that.

Medical doctors, dentists, veterinarians. That’s it.

You’re sure Manish Mehta covered the Jets and not the Patriots for the NYDN paper? If you say so.

Gordon Hayward shouldn’t buy ant lottery tickets.

Cancer got bored with Gary Tanguay.

News Item: PLL and MLL to merge. #CONSONANTS

C’s preseason seems to start later every year.

Red Line: Delays of up to 20 minutes southbound due to a switch problem near JFK/UMass.Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Don’t refer to winter storms by people names. Just no.

Hey Bill the GM defenders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “He elf tour.”

No one has asked what I want for Christmas yet and we’re only 9 days out so I just kinda wanna know what gives.

I’m sure this isn’t the first time Abby Chin has been someone’s last resort.

If you live in an area expected to get the dryer powdery snow, you are exempt from making sure to charge your devices and checking in on elderly neighbors.

Spoiler:  the hardware store is out of shear pins.

You know there’s a big payout in one of the Megabucks/MegaMillions/Poweball games when there’s a Channel 7 News van at Ted’s Stateline Mobil.

#GiftofSox, anyone?

Tidy 37 point game, Tre Mitchell. Go U! Go UMass!

Anyone on a bike today who isn’t trying to collect two dollars from Lane Meyer should be arrested on sight.

You only have the Christmas Blend Blonde Roast ready, Starbucks? What kind of operation are you running here?

Honk if you’ve ever cut through a frozen cranberry bog to get to Gillette Stadium in the snow.

Don’t crowd the plow.

“Blog” is short for “belong” gentlemen. That’s what we all need. That’s where we’re going.

Dale Arnold has lifts in his Timberlands.

Entitled Town will return.

Best bet for the weekend: great deals at the Lord & Taylor going out of business sale.

What a worthless profession.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, and #the15 were used in this column Lift with your legs, not your back.

Let’s be careful out there. #BoldDrivers
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