My Strat-O-Matic team is going to win ten in a row and get right back in the race!
Ignorant science-denying tween Ace Davis has me rooting for the Bucs. Rooting that they go 6-10! Heyoooooo!
People say Belichick has a plan, but his best player right now is a Jew, so you tell me what the hell is going on.
Arizona aquarium cleaner ingredient lady definitely poisoned her husband.
This stupid pandemic really has derailed Steve Buckley’s campaign to change the MLB logo to Tony Conigliaro.
It’s times like this where we miss Powers Boothe. He’d no doubt give us a correct accounting as to how many screamin’ Chinamen there are.
Is there an emulator program version of ‘One on One: Dr. J. vs, Larry Bird’? That was a great game.
Does Dr. Birx pull those scarves out of Lou Merloni’s sleeve before she goes out for a press briefing?
How is the “Brady doesn’t trust new receivers” narrative going to survive now that he’s on a different team with all new receivers? Is Brady just going to throw the ball away on every pass attempt until the Buccaneers bring in a former Patriots pass catcher?
Cakes are cooking for Susan Boyle, Randy Orton, Mackenzie Davis, and Logan Paul.
Can MIT graduates practice Social Distancing by standing a Smoot away from everyone else? Huh? HUH!?!
Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Hawaii 5-O reboot.
The Masters: cancelled. Wimbledon: cancelled. But if this virus causes the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest to be cancelled, then Peter King is made happy, and the terrorists win.
To be honest, I thought Curly Neal predeceased Meadowlark Lemon. R.I.P., Globetrotters.
Remember gang, this week’s Phrase That Pays is ‘sure as ten dimes buys you a dollar.’
I hope Blockbuster is considered an essential business. Please do the right thing and rewind those VHS tapes. Be kind!
The BJBSJ Way discourages publicly praising Mike Florio.
Are you guys watching Westworld? (spoiler) It turns out some of the main characters are actually automated.
Great Basketball Mind 1, Coronavirus 0. You go, Doris!
In a big country, dreams stay with you,l ike a lover’s voice fires the mountainside: Stay alive. So take that look out of here, it doesn’t fit you. Because it’s happened doesn’t mean you’ve been discarded. Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming. Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted; I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered, but you can’t stay here with every single hope you had shattered.
It would be a real Mother’s Day Miracle if baseball could return by then, wouldn’t it?
Tilapia? Please. As if.
Truth be told, I’m more worried about the COVID-15 I’m packing on than the actual virus!
The little critters of nature; they don’t know they’re ugly.
Hey Governor Gina Raimondo, alabaster twat Chad Finn had ‘Knock It Off’ first.
Honk if you remember the April Fool’s Blizzard.
If you ask me, gang, there’s only one true Tiger King, and that was Sparky Lyle.
Marcus Smart will lead us through this.
Don’t answer any number from the 508 area code, Jarrett Stidham’s dad!
Sandwich stacker pickles? Three jars of them? No one in this house uses them! How?
Best bet for the weekend: gradual numb acceptance.
material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, #the15 and BSMW Message Board Participant ‘Coma’ were used in this column.
Gotta keep those storm windows up until baseball starts? Is that really one of the unwrittens?
I’m hearing that the Patriots uniform change involves really REALLY big Flying Elvises on the shoulder pads. Keep that to yourselves.
Coach Bill needs Chef Jen’s PR person.
I hope Mr. Jacobs can still go out horse jumping or whatever it’s called to take his mind of how universally loathed he and his family are.
Kudos to Tom Brady for matching Drew Brees and donating 5 milllion magic pliability beans!
When baseball finally starts, I predict the Red Sox will bring back trough urinals in the men’s rooms as a measure to bring fans closer together after a difficult period of social distancing. So good! So good!
I enjoy the pseudo-puritanism that makes the Commonwealth refer to liquor stores as ‘package stores’. There; I said it.
Cakes are coking for James Caan, Marshall Faulk, and Keira Knightly.
Happy trails, Mr. Gostkowski. I don’t understand how you became a Rorschach Test for Huge Patriots Fans, but you were appreciated.
But what if getting blocked on Twitter by a vapid adulteress is the sort of thing to make me contemplate suicide? What then, lady?
Calling it the ‘novel coronavirus’ is like pronouncing the country Pakistan as ‘Pockistan’.
It’s #OpeningDayAtHome. To pass the time the 2018 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox would like to offer coloring books for your kids! Only $79.
Please stop sending dick pics to Diana Russini. She sees enough penises at work.
Pretty soon it’ll be just Tawm E. and a volleyball left on his island. Everyone has left. Sad!
Remember, gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: ‘High corners for fast action!’
Why doesn’t somebody be ask Kyle Van Noy how to stop the Covid? Surely he knows!
So I called up Monaco and asked, “Do you have Prince Albert in quarantine?” and they said ‘Yes’ and then I said, “Well you better keep him there until the virus has run its course.” and hung up.
‘Everyone forgets that Stephen Gostkowski is Evel Knievel’s nephew.’ – Bill Simmons, probably.
I remain convinced Market Basket won’t ever run out of sawdust.
Counting flowers on the wall, that don’t bother me at all. Playing solitaire ’til dawn with a deck of fifty one. Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo; Now don’t tell me I’ve nothing to do.
Honk if you remember tan M & M’s.
USA! USA! USA! USA!
Wonder what Edelman meant by Foxboro forever?
Dale for real looked exactly like my dead Nana in his pink sweatshirt picture.
Shhhhh. Quiet now, The walls have teeth.
With all this free time, I should probably have prepped for this column. Ah well.
In retrospect, Tom may have held that kiss with his kid for a half-second too long.
Best bet for the weekend? Marble Racing, what else?
material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, #the15 and NFLInsiderJoeyJoJoJuniorShabadoo @cpaul512 were used in this column.
Plenty of 2018 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox tickets still available folks! Operators are standing by!
Let’s counter the TP shortage with an abundance of T’s & P’s.
Gov Baker does not appear as confident as his sign language guy does.
It’s okay to admit Belichick is being mum on the virus. If we had someone like Jeff Fisher, there’d be press conferences everyday!
I bet Alex Verdugo can’t wait for Social Distancing to end.
Tampa Bay. Tampa. Bay. The one place that makes Foxboro look like Monaco. Be careful what you wish for, Tom.
TD Garden ice should be ok for playoff hockey in July. Sheesh.
Everyone laughed at Chad Finn and his Strat-o-matic baseball. Who’s laughing now, though?
Shank scared by this admittedly odd sports-less environment? Good.
Cakes are cooking for Glenn Close, Bruce Willis and David Ross.
Will the game versus the Buccaneers be every team’s Super Bowl now?
Kung Fu was a great television program.
Can you imagine being the last person to make a coronavirus/Corona beer joke?
The Red Sox AAA affiliate must be sad they get to spend even less time than they planned to in Pawtucket this final year there.
I still don’t like seeing thoes Bobby Orr wearing Blackhawks gear pictures.
Was there a changing of the guard of the local sports scapegoat ceremony between David Price and N’Keal Harry?
Probably best that the Pats Pro Shop remain closed until they get sufficient supplies of Damiere Byrd and Beau Allen jerseys.
Tom Brady will play against New England before Kyrie Irving suits up against the Celtics. Book it.
I wonder if it was David Ortiz’s lookalike friend Sixto that actually failed that leaked PED test back in the day.
You weren’t going to win your March Madness pool anyway.
Remember, gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: ‘Jean has a long moustache.’
I’d like to know if there have been any supply disruptions in regards to Krafty Bob’s sneakers.
It’s like Miguel over at patscap no longer works at BSJ. At all.
I need one of the neighborhood red tail hawks to get one of the stupid migrating cowbirds that are pigging out at the bird feeder. You’re not the intended recipient of my largesse!
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Dale Arnold completely forgot he had Brady staying when he got the Tampa scoop.
In retrospect, the pass an orange neck-to-neck relay game team building exercise was a poor choice of things to do at the Biogen conference.
If Blue Bloods gets cancelled don’t put it past Mama Bridget to move to California and take Jack with her.
Tawm Curran ripping Field Yates for being a Belichick mouthpiece is…..something.
Honk if you remember the World Hockey Association.
Personally, I’m walking around with asymptomatic Pennant Fever!
Best bet for the weekend: business as usual for bloodthirsty shut-ins.
See everybody back here in a week!
Six Super Bowl Wins, an indeterminate number of SB losses, eight consecutive AFCCG appearances, lots of touchdowns, made pom-pom hats OK for guys to wear; it was a good run in New England.
Now Tom’s never going to get that coveted Patriots Practice Player of the Week Award.
I’m going to blame Robert ‘Big Jonathan’ Kraft for allowing this situation to spiral out of control.
You had literally years to wrap your brain around the possibility of Tom going elsewhere. If you didn’t accept this could happen; that’s on you. Cry.
Could this signal the long-overdue changing of the guard atop the AFC East?
Well, Actually; this is the worse Evacuation Day ever.
I want poorly Photoshopped pics of Dalton, Bridgewater and Newton in Pats unis! And I probably want them right away.
Bill the Coach and Bill the GM wasn’t going to change his philosophy about player retention based on one player, even one extraordinary player. Except Slates. Bill loves Slates.
WEEI Monday morning w/o the Tom Brady interview segment? Hoo boy!
But I was told other teams fans considered Brady a past his prime, ball-deflating, noodle-armed system quarterback. They may ask that he be sent back. Tough noogies. He’s yours now.
When do we start seeing the TikTok videos of fanz burning avocados?
In this time of social distancing, is it really safe for Bob Kraft to employ Troy Brown as a human shield?
Prop Dog Employer Tom E. was right? Blech.
Thinning the fan herd after twenty years will probably be a good thing.
Let’s don’t turn this into Diana’s funeral, okay New England?
Jarrett Stidham; He’s tall, has a big arm!
You may hear talk that the patriots were irrelevant prior to Tom Brady becoming the starting QB. Ignore it.
Everyone reading their progressions seamlessly and panicking about where Tom’s going so quickly after panicking about his leaving is almost impressive. Almost.
I hope Tom understands that if he wins elsewhere, Boston is not giving him a parade like they did for Ray Bourque.
Good thing Miguel only had to work half a day! I need to know the salary cap ramification!
This probably means Gronk isn’t coming back, either.
Hoe do you read Belichick’s statement about what Tom Brady meant to him and the team and still believe the same guy wrote that incoherent letter that Trump read?
Kraft should be made to hug every Biogen conference attendee.
Curran just sent an Edible Arrangements to Stidham’s dad. Probably.
I’ll look for you in Honolulu, San Francisco, or Ashtabula. You’re gonna have to leave me now, I know. But I’ll see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, in the ones I love. You’re gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Everyone who participated in promulgating baseless Tom Brady speculation deserves to be placed in one of those good old-fashioned Puritan public humiliation & punishment devices. The pillory for those who were wrong, & the stocks for those who guessed right.
Your Boston Bruins first to
500 posts 100 points!
I’m just about ready to append the ‘oft-injured’ descriptor to Chris Sale.
You can’t let someone named ‘LeVert’ drop 50 on you, Celtics.
Get well soon, Johnny Boychuck.
Tom Brady is so ready to leave, he’s not even buying any green avocados! Wait, what?
Pop Smoke died? Was it emphysema? Is he survived by Lil Juul? So many questions.
Release the findings, Manfred!
Are lobster rolls back at the 99’s?
Cakes are cooking for David Gilmour, Dick Fosbury, Kiki Dee, and Eddie Deezen.
Way to find the back of the net in OT, Torey Krug. Served those cheap-shotting Floridians right.
Has anyone investigated whether aluminized rubber workout tracksuits cause adult onset attention-deficit disorder? It would explain Parcells, ahkay?
So long, Lunchpail Jackie Welch.
How many people saw The Invisible Man this past weekend?
Remember, this week’s Phrase That Pays is; ‘thanks for the sour persimmons, cousin!’
So all COVID is SARS, but not all SARS is COVID, is that right?
Speaking of Corona virus, I hear they are thinking of playing pro sports games without any fans in attendance. The Tampa Bay Rays have been preparing for that for years!
It’s not fair that Pat Mahomes didn’t win any delegates on Super Tuesday.
Big match upcoming against Bournemouth for Liverpool.
Blehhhhh! Snow on the Cape and Islands! Blehhhh!
Wyoming earns a spot in the Toiurnament with two well-timed wins.
It’s ok to admit you’re worried that the doctors might have confused David Ortiz for Chris Sale and MRI’ed his elbow by mistake. It happens.
Nice work on Senior Night, Diallo & Pipkins.
It’s fun to say ‘Pipkins’.
Knicks management versus Spike Lee may be the new Iran/Iraq we’ve all been waiting for.
I hope Tom Brady can stay in better contact with his people during HIS vacation than I could during mine!
Honk if you remember The Naked i.
Big ups to Kevin and Mike on Route One for their invaluable assistance these past few weeks.
I like the cut of this Ashley Buzzy McHugh’s jib.
Don’t bobble those incoming huuuuge paychecks, Tony Romo.
Do you think Ger Callahan just as a matter of reflex this time of year goes up to minorities at picnic tables and talks to them? I bet he does.
Best bet for the weekend: the EUFA Champions League Round of 16.
-This will be shorter than the usual drawer, load management, folks.
-So, that Wilder/Fury heavyweight fight. That was something!
-Let’s say the Red Sox management group were actively trying to be the fourth most popular team in town. What would they be doing differently?
-Don’t know about you, but I’d rather listen to avocados grow than another second of baseless, sourceless Tom Brady speculation.
-Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Backes and Heinen.
-Aloha also means ‘hello’. Aloha, whoever they got back.
-Great game Sunday, Celtics. However, there’s no beating the Lakers on Kobe Bryant night. Sorrreey!
-Remember, this week’s Phrase That Pays is “Wail on, Skydog!”
-Bleeehh! Emergency backup goalie storrreey! Bleeehh!
-I’m hearing whispers that as an austerity measure, John W. Henry didn’t purchase the Wilder/Fury fight.
-I’ll bet the worst thing about being locked up is missing the Globe’s daily Mindy Kaling updates.
-I think the XFL has already outlived the AAFL, or whatever it was called.
-Cakes are cooking for Tony Robbins and Ja Rule.
-I’m not worried about the Tampa Bay Lightning.
-David Ortiz defending cheaters? Say it ain’t so!
-Honk if you remember Tank on Sports on WBCN.
-Gonna guess that the guy from Staind is gonna feel the pinch of no more WAAF royalty plays.
-I can neither confirm nor deny that Kobe’s family requested a private internment to keep that demented elf Spike Lee from crawling inside the coffin.
-Best bet for the weekend: a wasted leap day.
-Wow, there were more cars on the infield at Daytona than players during a bunting drill. See, it always comes back to baseball, Danny!
-Plenty of good seats available at Fenway! Tickets still on sale! So good, so good!
-Maybe Tatum is a good kid, too.
-Kevin Garnett says Charlie Villanueva was like a dog-faced pony boy to his team.
-Maybe Brad Keselowski wouldn’t have spun out if he used full price tires instead of shopping at Town Fair Tire.
-Shocked to learn that John Henry’s favorite player was Stan Musial. He seems way too young and virile for that to be the case!
-Don’t make me take the Steelers’ side, Myles Garrett.
-If there Red Sox had a mailing address in New Hampshire, I bet they wouldn’t have to pay the competitive balance tax and kept Mookie.
-Is that place that re-enamels your Faberge eggs still on Mineral Spring Ave.?
“Getting under the CBT threshhold’ sounds like something Gronk would have been unable to do in order to play last season.
-Did Ryan Newman drive over an old sewing machine during overtime in Daytona?
-It’s not fair Patrick Mahomes didn’t get to drive during overtime.
-Rhubarb, rhubarb, raspberry rhubarb.
-Very unfair a Toyota winning Daytona after Trump visit! Time for tariffs?
-Andy Hart may have a shiny forehead and no qualifications to work in media, but he’s correct that Pro Football Focus is fraudulent.
-Does the the interim designation for Ron Roenicke mean that he can’t upgrade his NESN slam piece until *after* the All-Star Break?
-Good for the Celtics retiring #5. Get fucked, Ray Allen.
-Mr. Peanut died? I didn’t know he was sick!
-I want to buy a Snickers bar. Advertising works!
-Carol Channing was the halftime entertainment the previous time the Chiefs were in the Super Bowl. I bet Mahomes’ kid brother would have loved that! Hello, Frisco!!
-Who makes Jay Glazer’s Neoprene-tight suits? Hobie or Body Glove? Weirdo.
-Coal-powered cares are all the rage in 2020, I see.
-Cheri for Red Sox manager, Merle for bench coach. Who says no?
-The Houston Rockets are playing “Rock N Roll Part 2”. Just saying, Gillette Stadium.
-Fraggle Mahomes 1, Muppet Volin 0. Cold comfort. Maybe Jimmy can rebound on Super Tuesday.
-I’m no Adam Silver, but I think that definitely the best time to make decisions about changing league logos and retired numbers rules is immediately after a tragedy when everyone is hysterical with grief. That’s just science.
-Honk if you remember Wacky Water Writers.
-Bob Kraft is running out of time to plead guilty before his case gets dismissed.
-That NBA All-Star game; what a fourth quarter! Amirite?
-People who claim to be allergic to dogs? Fakers. Mostly.
-Best bet for the weekend? The Seattle Dragons. XFL!
-Funny thing about an Irish Vacation, not so many Irishmen.
-Has the Boston Globe put out a special pull-out section about how baseball has always accepted sign stealing with a wink and a nod yet?
-Maybe the Great Kid Pasta can do it all himself.
-It’s always adorable when Marck James pretends to be as mad at the Celtics not making a trade as he is when a co-worker won’t go on a date with him.
-That kooky British Royal Family, amirite?
-Cakes are cooking for Charo, Regina King, and Pitbull.
-It’s a good thing the Winter Olympics aren’t in Australia this year.
-Sergeant Slaughter: Stolen Valor?
-Remember- if Jerome Boger and his crew were competent, the Patriots would have had the #2 seed and the bye.
-“The Cincinnati Tackmen squad in 1905 had carrier pigeons deliver stolen signs to Manager Swede O’ Malvey right in the dugout. Swede died of smallpox in 1907.” – The Boston Globe
-Dale Arnold pronounces it ‘defencemen’. I can tell.
-Eddie Coyle needed better friends.
-ESPN treats the NHL like CBS treats west coast viewers of ’60 Minutes’.
-I’m hearing that Mrs. Chris Curtis will petition the court for joint custody of his extra skin.
-I hope the straw boater hat makes a comeback this decade.
-Correction: “Tinsel” is not a contraction of ‘tin icicle’, it comes instead from the old French word ‘estincelle’, making to spark or flash. BJBSJ regrets the error.
-Honk if you remember the Movie Loft.
-“Philadelphia Quakers manager Spats Hettinger had a team employee rig a sodium arc light to flicker to signal pitches in 1911. By an odd coincidence, an electrical fire burned Friendship Field to the ground later that season.” – The Boston Globe
-Those surveyors don’t look to be doing anything.
-Laura Petrie was better looking than Mary Richards.
James Naismith had no middle name? I’ve been lied to.
-BJBSJ had #FireCora first.
-Don Imus dead? How could they tell?
-The last time they had a Super Bowl without the Patriots, Ed Markey was still a representative and Liz Warren was still an Indian. Heyooo!
-Wiggy, Fitzy, and Mut? Oh My!
-When you’ve been force fed too much Family Guy, you’d kill for an NCIS: New Orleans at top volume.
-The KC Chiefs mascot looks like a Chuck E. Cheese escapee.
-Related, Dale Arnold calls him, “Charles. Entertainment. Cheese.”
-Where’s Bob Hohler?
-The CBS promos for ‘Prodigal Son’ and ‘FBI Most Wanted’., I can’t tell them apart.
-Peyton Manning has been quiet. Too quiet.
-Maybe Alex Cora could get an Apple Watch endorsement?
-I took some comfort that in the Patriots ‘down year’, the Steelers still sucked.
-Honk if you remember Micronauts.
-Another year without a Super Bowl, means Aaron Rodgers had more time to go antiquing and to linen auctions, or whatever he does with Danica Patrick.
-Do they still make those Roos sneakers with the pockets?
-Kobe had to be thinking, “knocked from the top three NBA scorers…what else could go wrong this weekend?”
-Red Sox missed a golden opportunity not making Jason Varitek the manager.
-Bon Iver is pronounced “Bone Ivair”?
-Miami gets the Super Bowl, Orlando gets the Pro Bowl. Perfect.
-I’m pretty sure I caught the coronavirus at a meat market some years back, but that was at spring break in Cancun, not Wuhan.
-Absent evidence to the contrary, I’m going to assume that Billie Eilish has a Dominican birth certificate.
-The Red Sox didn’t make Dustin Pedroia the manager, either?
-Tanya Tucker…you still got it kid.
-“Kobe ‘Bean’ Bryant”? Or as Dale would call him, “Kobert. Legume. Bryant.”
-Is “He Hate Me” coaching in the XFL?
-AB gotta be AB. That’s what makes him AB.
-Known recluse Mike Eruzione is writing a book?
-So what happened to Nipsey Hussle? Leukemia?
-Ironically, it was the box of suds that got me here.
-To everyone saying it’s ironic that Kobe died the day after Lebron passed him in scoring. Even Alanis Morrissette knows you’re using it wrong.
-Honk if you remember “Candlepins for Cash”.
-Steve Grogan is not the Red Sox manager, either?
-Just to be safe, I got a flu shot. Couldn’t hurt. Except it did.
-So Chris Curtis has been out ‘recharging his batteries’? Is that what the interns are calling it these days?
-YOU didn’t play in the Super Bowl this year, caller!
-Kobe was killed, and it was all setup. At least that’s what my new roommate says.
-But I was told everything goes the Patriots way! That furry headed dildo lied to me!
-Do you think the medical examiner put the envelope with David Stern’s death certificate in the freezer?
-BC got UMass-ed in whatever Ridiculously-Named Bowl Game they were in.
-There’s a vacancy at the top of the QADS force, Freddie Kitchens.
-Andre Drummond? What’chu talking about?
-Brad Stevens’ Celtics are rolling ten deep! Approve!
-The great kid Pasta can’t do it all himself, B’s.
-Phil’s legally dead. Fell off a boat.
-Heard that John Henry was in a 7-11, mentioning loudly how thirsty he was, yet didn’t get a Big Gulp. He must be serious about getting under the luxury cap.
-This “Lego Masters” show is a complete rip-off of Shel Turteltaub’s Lincoln Logs program idea.
-Did Doris Burke purchase Carrie Fisher’s dentures at auction?
-What possesses a person to decide they want to be in the audience for the Steve Wilkes Show?
-NRG Stadium? I get it.
-Anyone who thinks Zolak is good at his job didn’t listen to the second half of the Titans game.
-Did Dale purchase any of the TD Garden’s old yellow seats?
-Oh My God, do you believe that thing that happened at the Golden Globes?
-Maybe shake up the lines, Bruce?
-Honk if you remember the Mister Donut jingle.
-Do you ever have your ear pop, and it’s like you have a bionic ear like the Six Million Dollar Man? Of course you don’t; it was the bionic woman who had augmented hearing.
-The Irishman was too long? That’s not something you hear all the time. Heyoooo!
-I wish Tom Brady had played long enough that we could judge whether or not he’s comfortable with his last pass in a Patriots uniform being a pick six in a Wild Card game at home.
-Best bet for the weekend: a continuing Boston sports media embargo.