Clearing Out The Sports Junk Drawer

(Spoiler alert – contains references to Game of Thrones plot points. )

That was easily the most satisfying HBO series finale since ‘Arli$$’.

The last time I saw a throne melted with that much hot fire it was Marc Bertrand after the atomic wings in the double wide Gillette Stadium handicapped stall.

And Cersei and Jaime were buried under fewer bricks than in an Alex Reimer shoot around.

It’s a good thing all the ‘Bob Kraft should plead guilty’ people are incapable of feeling shame.

So we’re taking shots at the local franchise with the most championship banners because they had the poor form to not reach their finals and deny us a ‘Boston Slam’? C’mon man.

Maybe the flat Earth thing should have been a red flag about Kyrie. (shrug)

Pastrnak is a good kid.

Man, if I followed soccer I would have thoughts about Bruce Arena and the NE Revolution.

This Chavis kid is angling for his own plaque at Fenway Park!

Tuukka Rask: 2 U’s, 2 K’s, 22 whiskers.

So the horse that was interfered with at the Kentucky Derby then goes and wins the Preakness? Only in horse racing, Danny.

That Camille Kostek; she’s got a shape to her.

I sometimes wonder if Pro Football Focus is just making up their grading numbers.

I’m glad there are people on Twitter who will assist me in remembering which sports Final/Finals is singular and which is plural, the NBA or the NHL.

I sometimes wonder what Pac would have thought about Bron.

Andy Hart? Really?

I hope the Bruins get exactly enough rest.

A little birdie told me that Bobby Ryan has switched from Welch’s to Smuckers for his toothpaste. Seems legit.

Color me reactionary, but I think they have to change the admission rules for the Patriots Hall of Fame.

Some company somewhere is making replacement parts for duckboats, right?

We’re touched that other fans think the Patriots are exclusively responsible for the imbalance of power in the AFC East, but those franchises being clownshows off the field plays a sizable part, too.

Wait; Wahlburgers? It’s a play on words! I get it!

People who live or die during every at-bat during May baseball deserve their self-inflicted misery.

Honk if you remember The Penalty Box.

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Chad Finn’s Sports Machine!

(Originally broadcast March 7, 2014)

Voice-over: It’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, Boston.com sportswriter, Chad Finn.

Chad Finn: Good evening. “Sports, say the ancient Greeks, is morally serious because mankind’s noblest aim, is the loving contemplation of worthy things,” and I’d say it’s particularly a propos in light of today’s spring training split-squad game. [ audience issues a blank, sluggish stare ] Joining me today are two gentlemen who would no doubt agree. First, former pitcher for the Red Sox, Tim Wakefield. Good day, Tim. Tell us, what do you miss most since retiring from baseball?

Tim Wakefield: Well, Chad, I guess I miss going to the ballpark every day.

Chad Finn: Ah yes, ballparks. In humanity there exists a vestigial memory of an enclosed green space as a place of freedom or play.

Tim Wakefield: [ confused ] Yeah. I guess.

Chad Finn: Excellent. Competing with Timmy today is skillful practitioner of the managerial arts – from the Twins, Ron Gardenhire. Salutations, Ron.

Ron Gardenhire [ slaps his stomach ] Good to see you, Chad. I’m ready to play!

Chad Finn: Well, the manager’s role is one of both hector and helper, naysayer and nexus. Around his circumference lies the full measure of the game.

Ron Gardenhire I.. uh.. well, I’m ready to play!

Chad Finn: Very well. Let us engage the sports machine. Gentlemen, as always, the questions will focus exclusively on baseball, the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose. All right, hands on buzzers. [ he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that Chad reads ] “The precarious balance between infield and outfield suggests a perfect symmetry. For $500, identify the effect of that symmetry.”

[ the contestants stare cluelessly, as the buzzer sounds ]

Chad Finn: Sorry. The answer is: “The exhilarating tension between being and becoming.” Being and becoming. Next question: [ hits several buttons, dispensing another card ] “In 1954, Willie Mays, in an emphatic stroke of Byzantine whimsy, made his over-the-shoulder catch off of Vic Wertz. What was it not unlike?” [ no answers ] Take it? Anyone?

Tim Wakefield: The.. uh.. that catch by Brunansky.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Chad Finn: Sorry. “It was not unlike watching Atlantis rise again from the sea, the bones of its kings new-covered with flesh.” [ audience members stare blankly in awe ] Well, gentlemen, no score as of yet, but the night is young. Perhaps what you gentlemen need is a little incentive, so here to tell you about today’s prizes is our own Peter Abraham.

Peter Abraham: Thank you, Chad. Thank you. Today’s winner will receive a box set of Springsteen’s entire musical catalog! Plus every album and concert review of The Boss from the Boston Globe silkscreened onto a lovely quilt handmade in Maine!

Chad Finn: Bruce must be so proud.

Peter Abraham: Oh, I’m sure he is.

Chad Finn: We’ll continue this spirited discussion later. As for now, it’s time we moved on to the Big Board. And the categories are: “Baseball as Narrative”, “Aristotle and Comiskey”, “Doris Kearns Goodwin”, “Left Field: Myth or Monopeia?”, “Pitch Patch Potch”, “Comstock and Bostock”, and “Pot Luck”. Tim, choose a category.

Tim Wakefield: [ contemplating ] Uh.. “Pot Luck”.

Chad Finn: Very well. [ $1000 card under category is removed, revealing question ] “Like freedom, baseball is that stake where energy and order merge, and all complexity is purified into a simple coherence.” Piffle, or not piffle?

Tim Wakefield: Uh.. piffle.

[ bell sounds ]

Chad Finn: That is correct, it’s absolute piffle. It’s baseball’s complexity, not its purity, that instills in us our freedom, and you have $1000.

Ron Gardenhire: Hey, wait a minute! What’s this piffle crap? What kind of question is that?

Chad Finn: I’m sorry, Ron, but this is not a forum here for debating the merits..

Ron Gardenhire: Oh, no, no, this isn’t a joke. I’m playing for a bunch of Jimmy Fund kids, you’re making me look like a chump!

Tim Wakefield: I feel kind of stupid too!

Chad Finn: Everything in good time, gentlemen. We certainly need to..

Ron Gardenhire: Let me ask you something: you ever play baseball?

Chad Finn: If, by play, you mean drink deep the aura of the game, then..

Ron Gardenhire: No no, I mean play the game.. in the field.. in the field. Here. [takes out a baseball and throws it to Chad ] Throw this ball.

Chad Finn: I’m sorry, Mr. Gardenhire, but my duties as quizmaster compel me to move the game along.

Peter Abraham: Throw the ball, Chad! Throw the ball.

Chad Finn: Shut up, PeteAbe! Now then, next question. Tim, you have control of the board..

Tim Wakefield: Throw the ball! Come on, throw the ball!

Ron Gardenhire: Throw the ball! Throw the ball!

[ audience joins in chants of “Throw the ball!”, as Chad, confusedly, tries to think of what to do. Overcome by the crowd, he releases the ball weakly, landing only a few feet in front of him. Everyone laughs, and Chad, embarrassed, breaks into a slow run and leaves the studio. ]

Peter Abraham: [ pointing ] He’s getting away!

[ Ron Gardenhire and Tim Wakefield chase Chad, leaving the Studio and running into the hallway. Superimposed title and music plays. ]

Peter Abraham Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine” this week. Good night.

Chad Finn: [distantly] Football barbarians!
[ fade out ]

(hat tip to the original Saturday Night Live ‘George F. Will’s Sports Machine’ writers.)

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More Boston Sports Radio Sneak Previews!

Old Friend and BJBSJ Contributor Callahardfoul has another batch of proposed and/or upcoming Boston Sports Radio programs from his mooooles at both stations. (Unless there’s a, er, format change at a station to remain nameless.) So without further ado:

If you thought radio was good now, you’ll LOVE some of the new shows on the horizon:

The Coin Flip Hour – Danny “Opposite Day” Lifshatz is hitting you with winners and losers at a rate that would make Teddy Ballgame in ’47 or whatever year blush. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and your heart will absolutely burst over your money siding with Insider Danny. As an extra bonus, you get access to all the coolest rumors and predictions immediately after they happen. State of the art stuff.

Huntin’ Rabbits – Nobody is safe when Matty Framingham and Celtics legend Bob Cousy lend their dulcet tones to letting you know the real score. Every loser is exposed on this program, including the November 2018 Patriots and the ’69 Celtics.

Manny and Jack – Former (*cough cough*) slugger Manny Ramirez and his traveling octogenarian buddy Jack really go inside baseball to tell the tales way behind the walls of the locker room. If Jack is dead it’ll just be Manny.

Order Up – There’s a lady in the house. One of New England’s most vocal dining and sports aficionados explores the tender gender’s take on the Boston Sports teams, as well as light and sometimes heavy BDSM on her “sub” pal Jerry. This one is rated M for mature as Jerry is subjected to some serious torture, including the lady’s Duck L’Orange and audio of his stand up audience.

John Dennis – At this point we just need to see if anyone can be worse than Dale and Keefe.

Donruss and Marconi’s – Chad Finn taking your calls on all things Boston Sports Media, from what Felger said, to what he could have said that would be even smarter. You like being regaled with stories about how decent the men are of Felger and Mazz are when they AREN’T wishing death upon their callers? Also, a daily reading of Beckett Monthly alphabetically.

The End is Near – Boston legends Jackie the Cock and Bobby Snickertooth forecast the losses in the Patriots schedule for the next 4 years. Special guest Pete King thinks out loud about the most surprising games on the schedule, including six (6???) games against the AFC East in 2021.

Kendrick Perkins self titled berating Weird Celtics Twitter hour – If you say Smarf in 2019 he finds you.

You can follow @CallaHF on Twitter. Or maybe MySpace.

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May 9, 2019

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Clearing Out the Sports Junk Drawer Column

Emptying out the ol’ Sports Bowels of Takez:

Fenway Park: Underrated and so good! So good!

I don’t remember if anything like that thing that happened at the Kentucky Derby ever happened at a Kentucky Derby before. Weird!

Celtics sure could use a win tonight.

I don’t think Tom Brady cares if sportswriters, or anyone else, thinks he dresses funny sometimes. It’s like Hemingway wrote: the rich are different from you and me.

Have you been made aware that MGM has recently opened a Casino in Springfield, Massachusetts? They did!

The Boo Hoo Tuukka Crew: are they crying because he’s good? How does that work?

Mike Lynch is retiring again? OK.

I’m still avoiding spoilers for Avengers: Infinity War.

It’s finally starting to feel like baseball weather.

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but your Boston Red Sox are now a mere one game below .500. Only in baseball, Danny.

And also, the resurgent Red Sox have scored 175 runs, and had 175 runs scored against them. As Peter Kng would say; that’s quite a streak.

Mike Eruzione, a great guy, yet reclusive. We need to see him more!

Does Scott Zolak think Yodny and Hjalte are as weird first names as are N’Keal and Joejuan? Just askin’.

That Jeopardy multi-day champion guy sure seems smart, doesn’t he?

You can’t prove some other Bruins skater wouldn’t have scored had Pastrnak and/or Bergeron been rightly benched. At all.

I’m starting to think The Boston Globe has an unhealthy obsession with Robert Kraft’s Bob Johnson.

If Eddie Andelman *really* was on the Twitter, he 1. would call it ‘the Twitter’ and 2. would have a verified blue checkmark.

‘Figawi’ is a funny word.

22 players on a football field. 22 years since Boston University last fielded a gridiron squad. Coincidence? All signs point to ‘yes’.

It’s always good to see old friends connect through new technology. Like Upton Bell and @BootlegBarnicle.

I really don’t know what to make of that Women’s Hockey situation. Or is it Ladies’ Hockey? See? I just don’t know!

Fancred? What the hell is that?

What wacky bits will Toucher and Rich think of next? Beantown is blessed with these comedic geniuses from Atlanta. Somebody get me a doctor, I just drove off the road!

Dogs sure seem to enjoy rare roast beef. I know!

I hear that Tuukka doesn’t want to steal a game because he’s worried that would lead to his arrest and deportation.

Only dummies, incels or both care about ketchup, but know this; Hunt’s is actually better than Heinz.

Which World Series, exactly, was Greg Bedard waiting to conclude before releasing the report of his ‘aggressive investigation’ into BSJ’s Mike Loyko’s racist tweets?

Say what you will about declining a White House visit, and there will be someone who disagrees with what you say. America, right?

Honk if you remember NECCO Wafers.

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How to help WEEI be better? Some Thoughts

I hope you all enjoyed hearing our own @Ironhead334 on Episode 18 of the Minifan Show. (If you haven’t heard, do give it a listen. We will wait.)

Ep 18 of the ⁦@minifanshow⁩ with our guest ⁦@Ironhead334. Topics discussed: ⁩

—the news he’s broken
—wtf is BJBSJ
—Zambrano
—his hatred of Reimer
—his son, ⁦@GlobeChadFinn
—⁦@WEEI⁩ rumors
—the future of sports media, & much more https://t.co/WnZ4ehMIQW— MHB (@MarkHannonballs) April 29, 2019


“Iron”
Minifans. Possibly,

Some listeners, however, found it less enjoyable;
https://twitter.com/pv1224/status/1122841104125177858

Ironhead is the classic troll. Rips everyone on the radio but when asked what he would do differently to improve the on-air product, he says “just be better.” That’s the kind of direction that gets you places.— pv (@pv1224) April 29, 2019

Well fine there; Here are some personnel suggestions for fixing poor foundering WEEI, so it can stop getting tripled up in the ratings worse than (pornographic actress name goes here – Search from work computer inadvisable), republished and repurposed with minor changes from the Archives of the Boston Sports Media Watch Message Board. Originally posted in response to a March 2010 post on
http://bingobar.blogspot.com/2010/03/985-vs-weei.html concerning how can the then-fledgling Sports Hub take on and compete with the local leviathan WEEI.

by Friend of BJBSJ Callahardfoul:

Here’s a look at names that would draw very good attention:

Bob Neumeier — He was loved by radio listeners back at 850. No question he’d return legitimacy to WEEI. He could name his time slot and it would do well.

Ron Borges — Say what you want about the anti-Belicheckisms, he knows football cold. He’s forgotten more things than the current beat guys know.

Doug Flutie – The guy is a lightning rod for little people issues. You want to call someone a midget, get ready for an argument.

Aaron Sele – The master of controversy. The guy could get Switzerland to take sides.

Mickey Curley – College hoops is as hot as ever, and this guy has absolutely nothing going on in his life whatsoever and is always available. He played hoops.

Nancy Kerrigan – Think you know all there is to know about women’s figure skating during the three year hiatus between Winter Olympics? Think again h-mo.

Bill Simmons – The guy knows the NBA like the back of another man’s arse. Don’t let the prepubescent confused twelve-year old at summer camp’s voice fool you, this guy loves writing about MTV.

Jody Reed – A virtual powderkeg of explosive inside information regarding the steroid era and how to avoid involvement in it at all costs, including his livelihood.

Ted Johnson – Mr. Concussion. One minute he is telling you how to read an offensive play out of the 3-4 defense, the next he’s pontificating on how the earth is spinning out of control towards the Sun.

Thanks again to Callahardfoul, and BSMW Archivist ‘Major Intangibles.’

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An Open Letter to Anyone Who Arrived on This Site in Error, Expecting to Find The British Journal of Biomedical Science:

Not us.

We are so sorry.

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Red Sox Poet laureate Dick Flavin, Ladies & Gentlemen:

I’m not cringing, you’re cringing.

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The People Have Spoken.

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So You Want To Change The Rules…

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