07/22/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Who could’ve ever predicted this? Everyone? Oh.

Gonna be the first time there’s no fans at Fenway doing the wave since 1987.

What kind of weirdo hates Ken Walter?

I like a good stiff drink as much as the next guy…unless that guy is Fred Toucher.

Man, that one guy who signed up for The Athletic because of their coverage of sports and pop culture from the third quarter of the 20th Century is really getting his money’s worth!

If you can’t trust gossipy amateur podcasters, who can you trust?

No football? But how will I get by without footage of sports broadcasters swooning over Mahomes effortlessly tossing no-look passes out of bounds?

Cakes are cooking today for Rob Estes, Don Van Natta Jr., Tim Brown, and Franka Potente.

When did the Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies go the way of the Nabisco Oreo’s and start coming up with all different varieties?

Stock down: Terry Cushman. Stock up: Noah Syndergaard.

Does Mrs. Toucher get half of the wacky impressions and full burner account custody?

Did B*rst**l carry out a Yamamoto-esk decapitation mission and take out MHB prior to today’s hostilities? Thus depriving the Minifans of their wartime consigliere?

Exactly. Guts me no guts until you underline him.

“Why did Dr. Fauci change his mind about the need to wear masks?” is the new “why won’t Belichick explain why he benched Malcolm Butler?”

Comet NEOWISE? More like Comet ‘Pretty Stupid!’

I‘m officially out on podcasts. What’s ironic is that I got into them because I wanted a thorough discussion of Thor’s hammer. Be careful what you wish for.

Zookeeper should have hired a private investigator, but not for the reason he thought he had to.

Yes, you too can be gaslit into believing Aaron Rogers was the best quarterback of the last decade for only $34.99/month!

Not a fan of Jordan’s Furniture’s new promotion: free furniture if the Red Sox win 60 or more gams this season.

Hey xeople, this week’s Phrase that Pays: “Vulvar contusions.”

Looks like Kanye’s presidential run was shorter than Billy Weld’s. Longer than Deval Patrick’s, tho.

We gucci, babybaby.

How are they going to douse Guerin Austin with Gatorade remotely?

I can’t believe a group of 20 something, selfie taking, attention craving girls are turning on each other. I just can’t…

This is fun: #Dolphins WR DeVante Parker will release a cartoon series called #UncleVante tomorrow at 9:15 am ET on his IG/TW. It chronicles the relationship between @DeVanteParker11 & “nephew” @ThePeeWeeParker as they navigate through life & the NFL season on and off the field.

Giants Manager Gabe Kapler covered up the assault of a minor runaway female by players in his organization.

How can something be ‘Partial Zero Emissions’, Subaru? It’s either zero, or it isn’t.

Yeah we all know why the NBA Commissioner wants to call it a ‘Campus’, and not a ‘Bubble’.

We’re never going to find out if The Protagonist in Christopher Nolan’s next move is the titular TENANT, are we?

A life well lived, Congressman Lewis.

Sad to hear about the passing of Carl Lewis. A great Olympian and Civil Rights leader, the venerable Congressman from Georgia is probably best remembered for standing up to Hitler at the 1936 Summer Games in Berlin. You’ll never find a bigger fan than Yours Truly. Rest in Power!

Swing out, to Lake Nostalgia, Route 5 to Laughing Pines.
Get off at Funway West; Drive into Springtime. Drive into Springtime.

Honk if you remember Howard Johnson’s Toastees.

Pumped in crowd noise at Fenway. Finally, Mrs. Henry isn’t the only one in the building faking it.

Insta-edit; I’d be remiss if I left out John Lewis’s time as president of the United Mine Workers of America. So there.

New Shertenlieb idea: Win Fred’s Lithium?

Best bet for the weekend: folks watching baseball.

Cubes. So smart.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, NFL water carriers, other writers, league and team sources, Twitter user @mitchmidnight, and #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/15/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Halogen.

2020 is like J.D. Drew. Sure, the summer is an endless slog of death and division. The comparison is concluded.

Being a former star of “Glee” is more dangerous than drumming for Spinal Tap.

John Dennis has been drying out longer than beef jerky.

What’s Cam Newton getting me hyped for exactly? The first round of roster cut downs?

Unlike Greg Bedard, we pay our staff.

If you wear a mask in public, but don’t post it on social media, did you even wear it?

Can’t wait to see who Kirkie goes to war against NEXT week.

Cakes are cooking for Linda Ronstadt, Terry O’Quinn, Kirt Manwaring, and Beth Ostrosky.

Expect the Duke University Lady Blue Lady Devils Women’s Basketball team to finally make the leap to NCAA Champs behind new HC Kara Lawson’s great basketball mind.

Ironically, it was a Jew that put the SS behind Curt Schilling.

One name to watch as teams gear up for training camp: FA TE Jordan Reed. The former Washington play-maker has three teams interested and plans to play in 2020. A potential low-risk, high-reward signing.

Tough break, Boston Globe Red Sox beat reporter Julian McWilliams, getting assigned the ‘shine the sneaker that is Alex Verdugo’ article.

Kelly Preston. Makes you think. Didn’t even know she was sick. She was born in Hawaii, did you know that? Aloha, Kelly.

Woj. You dumb Polack.

Did the Golden Girls predict Covid? I have no idea, but it’s another excuse to watch.

Rich Keefe has won at something! He killed EEI!

Putting out an APB on @stever324.

I’m starting to think I should have taken that no expenses paid trip to Pro Football Focus Scouting Academy in Cincinnati in March PFFunderscoreSam offered me!

Bill Belichick! Eating a Subway sandwich! For an ad! Zoinks!!

Marisa Ingemi remains a free agent.

They don’t make $43 Fila sneakers as well as they did as recently as five years ago.  Sad.

If the zombie thing happens, the US population will be the first to reach full-blown infection. Then we’ll eat the entire rest of the world’s brains. How’s that for American exceptionalism, you smug, Euro fucks?

Rising star to keep your eye on? Owen Pence. Remember the name.

‘Dumb as a Cuomo’ should be a saying.

Would ‘pemmican’ have been funnier word choice instead of ‘beef jerky’ in the John Dennis gag above? Let me know in the comments.

Hey squad, remember that this week’s Phrase That Pays is “Two best AFC east potent.”

Those 20+ corporate-acceptable social justice slogans on the back of NBA jerseys are gonna save a lot of Black Lives. A lot. 

The only thing lower than WEEI’S ratings are Bedard’s new subscriber counts.

Blehhhh! Boring Gred Bedard stuff! Blehhhhh!!

Lights are defenseless. Please don’t attack them. You know who you are.

Mut did a full blutarsky in the 18-34 demo in May.

‘Drew Lite’ was the fourth most popular diet cola in the Southern Georgia region during the mid to late 2000s.

A Boston Cream is a donut pretending to be a pie that’s actually a cake.

Sources are telling me that the PFF fellas aren’t quite as smart as they think they are.

Kirk is gonna destroy WEEI? He was supposed to have destroyed EEI last year!

Is Cam short for Camp? I’m just quirkily asking the question.

When is Taylor Kyles going to get his shot to lead an NFL franchise? Great football mind.

Okay Dale Arnold, one has to go: WARRIOR Ice Arena or Table?

Honk if you still have all you fingers.

I could really go for a Jordan Marsh blueberry muffin right about now.

A: Braves Field, later reconfigured as BU’s Nickerson Field.

News Item: D1 tennis stolen valor perpetrator and 45% of the Comorbidity Boyz Dan Lifshatz has moved his primary burner account from @therealjefe23 to @QuiseDaniels8. Please make a note of it.

Best bet for the weekend: Friday, in the NBA Bubble, is Hawaiian shirt day… So, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

25″ 720p,  just like several used at PFF!

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, Quibi, NFL agent transcriptionists, other writers, PFF, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/08/2020 Vigilantly Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer (Phase 3 Step 1)

That’s right. They’re back, bitches.

Source: the Patriots and RB Rex Burkhead have agreed to a reworked final year of his contract. Burkhead gets $550K to sign and drops his base salary from $2.5M to $1.05M, with $400K available in roster bonuses (down from $500K). The move creates $981,250 in cap space.

Hope everyone used Heinz over the holiday weekend.

“Is it possible Donnie Fitzpatrick was just getting those clubhouse attendants ready for Hands Across America?” is definitely an angle Sam Kennedy has pitched to Bob Hohler.

Do two swaggers equal one duende?

NECCO Wafers are back in stores. America is great again.

If Cam Newton could openly admit his long-term relationship with an ex-stripper, what’s stopping Lou Merloni?

Aloha means both goodbye and hello, @NEPDLoyko! Aloha.

Sometime last season the final double-switch in National League history took place. And YOU didn’t realize it at the time. Weep.

Poor-mouthing the USA on the Fourth of July? That Kaep really knows how to pick his spots.

Cakes are cooking for Kevin Bacon and several other people who are only connected to him by sharing a birthday.

Who could have predicted a pass-catching, run-blocking, special teams playing running back would earn a contract extension on Coach Belicheck’s team? Hail Rex.

I miss Anna Horford. She was a delight.

An IndyCar race and a NASCAR event the same day at The Brickyard? Wow! Anyone participate in both? No? Still historical, I suppose.

I’d like to see David Price make $30 million playing Fortnite. Because I think he would do good things with that money.

Blehhh! The Player needs to shut his mouth, stop expressing himself and take the next snap or dribble or whatever it is those people do. And if you think this is racist, I hate Tom Brady’s wife and children more than cancer. Try canceling me now, society. Blehhhh!

I’m happy for the Fraggle. Anytime you can make someone the highest paid player in a sport with a hard salary cap you have to do it.

Stay with me here: Ray Jay as Kanye’s veep.

Just look at that damn Patriots ‘3 Percenter’ kicker favorably posting a dubious Hitler quote. What? DeSean Jackson? Really? Well that kinda upends my outrage.

You? You’re more Nantasket than Nantucket. 

They should take down the statue of The Text Line for the atrocities he committed against WEEI.

You’d think with all the ritalin he abuses B*rst**l’s Mexican President would have remembered to apply for federal PPP money.  But all’s well that ends well.

For context, $500 million in pennies is 500 million X 100. Glad I helped.

Speaking of pennies, sad to hear about the recent, tragic passing of Todd Gack. #dutchlivesmatter #KLM

Getting the feeling Bill Simmons used a bell curve to visually illustrate the Ewing Theory.

Where’s Dino been? OBF is on a island.

Journalistic mentors should teach you to avoid making fallacious, torturous analogies, and not passing on shopworn bromides as their own quotations.

Why didn’t Loyko come back before the NFL draft? Weird.

If the Red Sox aren’t preparing an Old Timer’s Zoom to run on the scoreboard, I’ll be crestfallen.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Mine is steamed broccoli!

Wait, we won the Civil War. Can’t Washington just take the Falcons nickname from Confederate Atlanta as the spoils of war? I say yes. Problem solved.

Hey there y’all, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “guarantee mechanisms.”

Best wishes to Network TV Anchor & Nationally Syndicated Talk Show Host Mark Benarzyk-James in his new assignment, whatever that is. Toast a drink, coffee, or smoothie to Marc tonight if you can. ‘Aloha’ means goodbye, Marck. Aloha.

Is ‘Speros’ Greek for ‘snowflake’?

I hope that canned bread boutique restaurant over in the South End eventually opens.

Aub Huff. Not OOTG’S.

They way things are trending with the Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians, the clock is ticking on my old high school mascot. I better get me some Fighting Rum-Drunk Halfbreeds merchandise sooner rather than later.

Hey Dan Hausle, bring back the Freddie Mercury mustache!

I hope Bill Simmons explains why he doesn’t just hand podcasts to anyone when he’s guesting on his ten-year old son’s wrestling podcast.

“Fitzy” is Greek for “rip off.”

This Lady may have stumbled, but she ain’t never fell. And if the Russians don’t believe that they can all go straight to hell. We’re gonna put her feet back on the path of righteousness and then; God bless America again.

Seven of ten games AT Yankee Stadium? Fix! FIX!!

Tanya Ray Fox doesn’t have to worry about me telling her condescendingly or otherwise, that she knows her stuff.

“Morricone” is how Dale Arnold orders another gelato for the road when he’s picking up his takeout in Boston’s historic North End.

Shut up, you did not know that ‘Lift Every Voice and Sing’ was “The Black national anthem.”

Pablo Sandoval is overweight and there is nothing wrong with that.

All these statues coming down and no Drew Bledsoe jokes. SAD!

Honk if you remember red pistachios.

Johnny Pesky would’ve worn a mask. And that’s good enough for me.

Well the way I head it was that the Devil would have gone over the luxury tax threshold if he kept that golden fiddle into next season so he took a dive during that contest with Johnny.

Everyone getting a head start on their Joe West obituary? Good.

Has anyone seen Ted Sarandis lately?

When they said 2020 was a rough year, they didn’t know Patrick Mahomes was about to get PAID. So stoked. Now we just need Jerry J. to do right by Dak and this year will be a net win as far as I’m concerned.

Shoutout to Phoenix Minx.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox Summer Camp updates (via Zoom, of course.)

Nantasket Beach. There’s a spot. Grab the cooler.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, onlyfans, Google Translate, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW’s Own Bruce Allen, and a whole mess of suggestions by #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/01/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Ben Mondor. Still Owning.

A pirate radio frequency out of Lawrence is transmitting incomprehensible information concerning Julian Edelman. Please contact if you are able to unscramble the signal.

If you don’t think the Coronavirus is Ben Mondor’s revenge, ask the WooSox how their inaugural season went.

If Cam Newton starts for the Pats in Week 1, will that also count as reparations? Or would they need to add Kaepernick as a backup? Just trying to be an ally here.

Great Football Mind Kina Mimes is gonna kill it. Dead! Yas Kween!!

Zero deaths! Open Fenway! And sell some bricks. Maybe.

Doug Kyed watched Contagion over the weekend and is now firmly against Covid-19. Hello!

I mean, sure, you can be good at your job and post photos of you wearing what you like to wear, including crop tops at all ages, but not if you’re not good at your job you can’t. Hey; I don’t make the rules!

Good to hear Edelman is going to be obsolete by people who say their opinions on a 100 year old medium.

Cakes are cooking this week for America! But more specifically they are cooking today for Steve Shutt, Dan Ackroyd, Nancy Lieberman, Pamela Anderson, and Missy Elliot.

And yes, Happy Canada Day. Love your mints.

Perhaps there’s a bussing joke to be made from the fact that Tom Brady went to Tampa Bay and Cam Newton is coming to Boston, but rest assured, the Junk Drawer does not trade in jokes of that nature. And if I did, would certainly say Cam was a METCO Auburn Tiger…


You should definitely respond to 98.5 The Sports Hub’s thuddingly obvious provocations.

Gordon Hayward is white! Zoinks! Will his jersey say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I’ll wash your feet’?

I’m wearing a crop top right now!

How is everyone spending their Bobby Bonilla Day?

Scott’s still can-celled! clap clap clap-clap-clap! Scott’s still can-celled! clap clap clap-clap-clap!

Say, what’s Cam’s wife look like? We’re comparing QB’s, right?

Our world should be structured better so Brock Holt doesn’t have to spend three months away from his family due to an unprecedented pandemic. Thinking about starting a GoFundMe for my poor Brock Star. Gonna cry now.

The Patriots lost a draft pick; now the NFL season can really begin.

Headscarfs are like masks for concussions.

The Jaguars have agreed to terms with third round DT Davon Hamilton, per source. He’ll earn up to $4.82M on the standard four-year rookie deal.

Alabaster twat Chad Finn buys sunscreen in the same quantities his boss purchases ink.

For one thing, Newton would’ve caught that pass in SB52.

I wonder if any MLB players whittled their own bats with all the down time and all? I would.

Hey there sons and daughters of liberty, the Phrase that Pays is “low risk, high reward.”

Marisa Ingemi is still a free agent.

Knock down every Confederate statue and replace them with Dennis Eckersley!

My son doesn’t like it when I call him a enthusiastic and egregious death spreader when he keeps asking for a catch.

They’re called ‘diacritical marks.’ You’re welcome.

If you’re not a coach in one of the 4 5 major sports leagues and your social media names are “Coach whatever” you’re a clown who acts like a clown.

I heard they’re going to start pool testing, so I guess I better do some crunches.

The worst part about this Newton signing is having to fire up Google Translate.

Godspeed, Paw Sox. Looking forward to seeing Rusney in Worcester next Summer!

The Ringer’s leadership is so white they hold retreats in the Bavarian Alps.

Must be nice to have cap space.

Good to hear a person at WEEI thinks Edelman’s going to be obsolete soon. How were last quarter’s ratings anyway?

Honk if you remember Brad Rifkin.

I’d really like to know how Callahan and Carr didn’t end up on ventilators. What do they know?

Pro tip: Never change lawyers midstream. Unless the first one ruins everything.

Is Cam Newton Belichick’s Pumpsie Green? I’m just asking the question, caller.

Miss Pizutti is late. Fingers crossed gang.

I’m in the phone booth, it’s the one across the hall. If you don’t answer, I’ll just ring it off the wall. I know he’s there, but I just had to call. Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone. Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone.

I’m more of a CONSONANTS guy, but I’m sad to hear this year’s Big E is cancelled.

Good to hear Edelman is going to be obsolete from a radio person who thinks Tom Brady led the league in RPOs.

There’s a Madeline Petsche and a Madeline Ford?

It must be exhausting trying to claim fandom in arrears every time someone famous dies.

No way either of those girls in Spring Breakers could have know how to drive Big Arch’s manual transmission Lamborghini. C’mon.

Please remember to cook and eat with your masks on this holiday weekend. It’s really not that hard.

Drop us a line in the comments if you can think of any Boston athletes who share a name with a Boston suburb!

None of my business, but William Bendetson and Nora Princiotti would make a mighty handsome couple.

Pro Kyle. Anti Kyles.

Best bets for the weekend? Independence Day Takeout from Table by Jen Royle.

Quesadilla with Quac. On the Secret Menu.

material from interviews, wire services, rebroadcasts, Facebook, Instagram, other writers, league and team sources, Rex Dartand a whole bunch by #the15 were used in this column. 

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06/27/2020 Bonus Weekend Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Handshake deal? Good enough for me! I’m back like I never left!

I’m ten times gladder that I didn’t go with a ‘No Noose Is Good News’ quip about the Bubba Wallace garage pull situation.

I do like watching replays of the 2018 playoffs. Everyone should be able to enjoy that the way the Sox did: Knowing exactly what’s coming.

I wonder if Julian Edelman has told Stidham he loves him yet? Seems kind of important.

Sunshine is not, apparently, the best disinfectant for the ‘vid.

Cakes have been cooked and are in the break room for Brad Childress, J.J. Abrams, Raúl, and Drake Bell.

That NASCAR story oddly enough has the twists and turns of a Formula One track!

Climate Pledge Arena. Climate Pledge Arena? Climate. Pledge. Arena.

Two cheers for Liverpool FC and their footie title, I guess. Maybe fewer cheers.

If JWH did kill that deck hand it was because the guy was fucking his beard, right?

Is there a lawn crew in your room? Mute your mike.

I always considered Brock Holt to be the thinking man’s Daniel Nava.

You take a ring, and then another ring, and then another ring, and then you’ve got three rings. Ballantine; and now it’s premium, its a very special glass of beer.

Unlike TB12, FDR always got that coveted parking spot.

Your truth-challenged elderly candidate with clear signs of dementia? BOOOO! My truth-challenged elderly candidate with clear signs of dementia? YAYYYYY!

Notary Sojac.

Rapper Huey died? was it complications from hydroxychloroquine?

Come on folks, stay safe and wear a Red Sox mask like Sam Kennedy! So good!

I really hope Anna Horford gets all the attention she desperately needs.

I’m not sure if I’d make Gisele wear a mask or not during coitus. Shrug.

Tonight we need no rest, we really gonna throw a mess, we gonna to break out all of the windows, we gonna kick down all the doors
We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long. All night long, all night long all night long. Tell Fats and Washboard Sam, that everybody gonna to jam. Tell Shaky and Boxcar Joe, we got sawdust on the floor. Tell Peg and Caroline Dye, we gonna have a time. When the fish scent fill the air, there’ll be snuff juice everywhere. We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long. All night long.

I’d do Linda without a mask. Impregnate her for sure. We’re talking billions. Honk if you like murder and billions.

Mrs. Butterworth gets to keep her job, right? Smdh.

A: Tom Tupa.

Reminder: the Red Sox traded likable, League MVP winning Mookie Betts for sketchy Alex Verdugo, and they expect you to be fine with that.

Stop moving the release date for Tenet!

Also honk if you remember Arnie “Woo-Woo” Ginsberg.

’30 and 30 here we come’ seems wildly optimistic for the Olde Towne Team.

You’re on your own for the Best Bet for the Weekend. Make of it what you will.

So pretty.

material from interviews, wire services, matchbooks, Facebook, Instagram, other writers, league and team sources, and #the15, were used in this column.

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06/24/2020 Cautiously Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer (Phase 2 Step 2)

That ain’t right.

Now baseball has a chance to ruin our summah!

Bill Simmons brought legitimacy to podcasting! Or something. Anyway, he wanted to not get cancelled, but it was too hard.

So #Juneteenth is when we celebrate Elle Duncan’s birthday?

Well at least no one will take the wrong lesson from the Bubba Wallace garage door pull story.

So nightshades are forbidden, but big needles full of botulism toxin is ok. Got it.

It’s not the heat, it’s the humility.

Yeah, statues are just decoration. So you’d be ok with a bunch of Red Sox fans smashing all the plaques in Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park and replacing them with Trot Nixon’s pine tar coated batting helmets, Dave?

Smdh.

Cakes are cooking for Hope Sandoval, Mindy Kaling, Minka Kelly, and Lionel Messi.

Several of my summer shirts sized ‘Large’ have shrunk while in storage. Outrageous.

Gold Five to Red Leader: Lost Kyle, lost Ganger. They came from behind.

Sixto: he’s done it again! Bad lookalike best friend! Bad!

Missed the ESPY’s. Was in good company there.

NFL water carrier blurb goes here.

I haven’t seen any frogs in my neighborhood in forever. Or toads.

Howdy gang, the Phrase that Pays is “No one is more full of shit than Dave. No one.”

Found some Dr. Seuss-colored ham in the back of the fridge. Less than ideal.

“Oven Dodgers” is what Mayor de Blasio calls those pesky Williamsburg Orthodox. Probably.

I sincerely hope they don’t pull down the statue of Making the Perfect the Enemy of the Good. You know; that allegorical one.

Honk if you remember Za-Rex.

Prety sure Mut didn’t forget about the last -shall-be-first Belmont Stakes. Good run, Tiz The Law.

Best bet for the weekend. more disrespect from the higher ups around here.

Motion Capture Pinkberry Bill.

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06/17/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Suck it, Andelmans!

We need sports back. There, I said it.

Dale listened, Keefe apologized for all of us. Are we not racist now?

If MLB doesn’t return this season, it’s time to make Brock Holt commissioner. Officially.

Wait, Jason Whitlock is working for Clay Travis now? Those two absolutely deserve each other.

They’re probably not gonna name their new NHL squad the Seattle CHAZ. More’s the pity.

Fun Fact: Swingline did not make red staplers. The Office Space crew painted it red to make it stand out. After the movie became popular, and demand for red staplers increased, Swingline started making red staplers.

Elle Duncan hasn’t gotten this much attention in a long time- Say! You don’t suppose…

The NBA’s preexisting condition is Kyrie Irving.

Cakes are cooking for George S. Clinton, Jodie Whittaker, Venus Williams, and Kendrick Lamar.

Listen to Angels of Fenway by Jim Taylor. There’s your answer baseball commish.

Covid 19 has done more damage on my liver than the 2003 Red Sox.

Decadent winds and ooey gooey seas, Dave Andelman. Gerry Callahan hasn’t taken a loss this hard since 1865.

The only Second Wave I believe in is Second Wave Feminism.

I might have once killed a deckhand for Linda Pizzuti too. There; I said it.

How is Gun Powder Springs not canceled?

Hello, gang. Remember, the Phrase that Pays this week is ‘Water up, son.’

Can someone please tell the Property Brothers to socially distance from each other?

If I needed to get an important message out and clarify something from my past, I would definitely pick the sixth place midday show, Dale and Keefe.

NFL Draft picks are slowly signing, and the #Bills just signed former #Utah RB Zack Moss to a standard four-year deal.

Don’t look now, but Kirk Minihane is fighting with fellow employees! I know!!

NASCAR Truck Series isn’t called NASTRUCK? Why not?

Real @EddieAndelman would vociferously complain about his sons getting cancelled. Fake!

A: Don Mattingly set the single-season record with six grand slams in 1987.

If I was having a catch, grilling hamburgers and hotdogs at a protest would it get shut down?

There are Oriental Premium bukkake ladies who have had less work done on their face than Sammy Sosa.

I might have this screwed up, but why did anyone even ask Kyrie what the fuck he thought about playing?

With ‘Cops’ being cancelled, I believe ‘Riverdale’ now moves into the top spot for ‘incidents of male shirtlessness per prime-time episode’.

If any of these seem weird, please alert the Junk Drawer, ASAP. Ben Allbright’s hacker might still be in the system.

Tom Brady! In a Buccaneers jersey! I’m sooo triggered! It’s like it’s real now!

Why does Chuba Hubbard hate the 1st Amendment?

Yeah? Well I drive two hours for takeout. Take that Dale Arnold!

Who else is playing Monopoly at Shaw’s? I’ll trade for Park Place!

Bob Kraft can smuggle in all the Chinese masks he wants. Nothing is ever going to top John Henry graciously admitting that his fans are racist assholes.

With archdiocese parishes open, would it be too much to get a “Penance Fever Grips Hub” headline?

Kyrie Irving has less of a heart for basketball than Hank Gathers.

Have any of you even considered what this has been like for @SportyRMcKenzie? Have you?!

Sun shines. People forget.
The spray flies, the speedboat glides, and people forget. Forget they’re hiding. The girls smile. And people forget. The snow packs, as the skier tracks; people forget. Forget they’re hiding.

bsmw.net has expired

Spike Lee must have seen The Irishman and thought that he too could also make a Netflix ‘Joint’ that’s an hour too long.

Whenever I see John Bolton I think they’re talking about Linda Pizzutti’s upgraded front porch.

Good to see Lily from AT&T back. She seems like a nice lady.

In light of the recent popularity of the Junk Drawer we’re thinking of trying something new. Noon-thirty? Mystery Guest? 4@4? Fisting the Man with Fitzy?

Honk if you remember Ganguay.

What’s your favorite song with quarter notes in it?

I don’t think the Chinese knockoff AO sunglasses I ordered in April are being sent. At all.

Best bet for the weekend: base ball not returning.

Not gonna happen.

material from interviews, wire services, rebroadcasts, Facebook, Instagram, other writers, league and team sources, Mr. Banktress, and #the15, way, way more of #the15 than usual were used in this column. Stick bump, or whatever.

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The Dave Chat Post, Explained.

To the literally dozens of sleep-deprived, eagle-eyed, hyphen-having regular readers of the Journal, our integrity dictates an explanation to y’all.

We were hacked. Perhaps by the same bad actors who hacked the late Ben Allbright’s Twitter account.

Thank you for your continued patronage. Patrick U. Scartelli, Acting Spokesman, BJBSJ

Patrick Scartelli is a columnist and Acting Spokesman for BJBSJ.

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06/10/2020 Cautiously Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer (Phase 2 Step 1)

You got that one, old friend Reche. Rest in peace.

(This column is being filed under protest, because the BJBSJ Summer Interns are unavailable to help me for some stupid reason.)

I still blame the Yawkeys.

To all the sports shouting head shows: I’ll get my serious commentary on important issues from someone who doesn’t make a living trolling every day.

Last time I saw a protest this moving Alex Cora was irate over the Tampa Bay’s use of southpaw slinger Adam Kolarek.

At least no NECCO Wafers were looted.

I haven’t seen a worse Buffalo pushover like that since the Bills from 2000 to 2016!

Baseball is screwing things up! There: I said it.

Why hasn’t Tim Thomas released a statement on the recent controversy? It’s fair to ask the question.

We need @ImJustAskingThe more now than ever.

“John & Linda generously pledge ‘unknown amount’ to Red Sox Foundation” – The Baseball Paper

Ever hear of Lou Hudson?

Cakes are cooking for Prince Phillip, Bill Burr, Pokey Reese, and Kate Upton.

Pro Football Hall of Fame reopens today. It has been closed since March 16 due to COVID-19. One more small step on sports’ way back.

I swear if David Ortiz can’t heal the nation like he did Boston because he took a bullet meant for his lookalike Sixto I will never forgive that accursed doppleganger!

How’s that investigation going? They got any promising uh,uh, leads?

Angel Hernandez. Amirite?

Man, This League. returning almost into August. Man. This League.

Mindy Kaling should speak to protesters in Boston. By the way…she went to Harvard.

Mikey Milltown has a heck of an ’07 World Series.

With restaurants reopening, it will be interesting to see who has switched to generic ketchup. Well, interesting for idiots who follow Jim Murray, anyway.

Arrest the trees! They’re trying to murder me!

Hey gang, remember this week’s Phrase that Pays is ‘Sad Onions as far as the eye can see.’

I don’t cover the Barstool beat. Sorrey.

So you’re saying a market exists for a Small Wonder reboot?

Owen Pence literally means ‘in debt for a penny.’

Would it really kill Callahan to wash Reimer’s feet?

Former Panthers LB Luke Kuechly, who retired earlier this offseason after an incredible eight-year career, is considering joining the Panthers front office and would serve as a Pro Scout. His football passion would be a major asset.

Lissen tah ME!!!

Was Rachel Dolezal ahead of her time? Yes.

If the police were defunded back in the day Doug Mirabelli would have never been able get a motorcade to catch for Wakey. You’re welcome, Tek.

How can it be possible for The Athletic to employ 46 worse writers than Steve Buckley?

They should build a tunnel through that Los Angeles mountain and name it after Kobe.

Interesting that the Patriots used of all their cap space and resultantly can’t sign Kaepernick. What did they know and when did they know it?

Need a distraction for all that is going wrong in this world? NESN has some great programming like ‘Mad Fisherman’ Charlie Moore and infomercials!

That’s on Tom.

Montreal didn’t deserve a playoff spot, but thems the breaks.

Can’t burn down the forests of the Commonwealth with a thoughtless discarded Newport anymore.

Kenneth!

I got good connections I dig my directions what people say that’s ok they don’t bother me; I’m ready to make it don’t care what the weather don’t care ’bout no trouble got myself together. I feel the kind of protection that’s all around me.

Honk if you remember the 2006 Pats at Chargers Divisional Playoff Game.

Get well soon, Bombay John Dennis. You’ll kick that “spring water” habit this time, I just know it!

Aiden could’t even do his car selfie profile pic right.

And just as an FYI, real Ray-Bans have their logo on the lenses, gas station sunglasses don’t.

New rule: muppets that work for a newspaper that’s owned by the Red Sox don’t get to question whether Belichick, Kraft, or anyone with the Patriots is a racist.

Best bet for the weekend: outdoor dining. And maybe drinking.

Maintain distancing.

material from interviews, wire services, rebroadcasts, Facebook, Instagram, other writers, league and team sources, Field ‘Turf’ Yates, and #the15, were used in this column. Nothing from the interns, though.

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Even More Little-Known Beantown (and Foxborough) Sports Facts!

Buy the Book.

Note: due to a combination of the dearth of live local sports and the continuing crises, the usual Cleaning Out the Junk Drawer column will not occur this week. In its place will be more excerpts from a book familiar to loyal readers of The Journal.

Patrick Scartelli’s column will return next week. Be safe.

Were it not for a rat inside the left field ‘monster’ wall, NBC’s camera might not have captured Carlton Fisk waving his famed home run fair in the 12th inning of Game 6 of the World Series in 1975!

Bruins player Mike Milbury once went into the stands, and beat a fan with his own shoe!

The Boston Marathon was first run in April 1897, and has never had to be cancelled!

Robert Kraft was once a co-owner of the Boston Lobsters franchise in World TeamTennis!

Wade Boggs was an avowed fan of poultry, specifically chicken!

Brockton calls itself ‘The City of Champions!’

Game On! is a little hole in the wall type of pub at Fenway with a speakeasy kind of vibe.

The Old Boston Garden had numerous ‘obstructed view’ seats, from which seeing the entire playing area was quite difficult!

NFL veteran head coach Duane Charles “Bill” Parcells did not provide respectability for the New England Patriots franchise upon his hiring!

Bruins standout Cam Neely once got a bunch of goals in a certain number of games on a bum leg, caller!

Red Sox Captain Jason Varitek caught four no-hitters!

Hundreds of college hockey fans were stranded at the Old Boston Garden during the 1978 Beanpot tourney because of a blizzard!

Celtics player Cedric Maxwell actually was rarely called Cedric. Most people called him “Corn”!

Ted Williams was not voted the American League Most Valuable player in 1941, despite hitting .406!

PV = nRT!

Boston Beer Company honcho Jim Koch stated in a radio interview that he thought Tom Brady should just accept his four game suspension from “Deflategate!” What an asshole!

In 1972, daredevil Evel Knievel jumped his motorcycle over the big bridge connecting New Hampshire & Maine!

When with the Red Sox, pitcher Roger ‘Rocket’ Clemens twice struck out a record twenty batters in a nine-inning game!

Jesus Saves, but Esposito scores on the rebound!

The Ted Williams Tunnel is in fact named after the Splendid Splinter!

The Boston Patriots played their home games one season at Harvard Stadium!

Cambridge Rindge and Latin basketball phenom Patrick Ewing was never going to play for Boston College, stupid!

The Head of the Charles Regatta started all the way back in 1965!

In 1986 Wade Boggs once injured himself trying to remove his cowboy boots!

During WWII, future President John Fitzgerald Kennedy proved himself an accomplished swimmer! His younger brother Edward in 1969; not so much!

Prior to the 21st century, Beantown was so victory-starved, they held a parade for former Bruin Ray Bourque, who won a Stanley Cup as a member of the Colorado Avalanche! Sad!

In 1982, prizefighting middleweight Marvin Nathaniel Hagler legally changed his name to Marvelous Marvin Hagler!

A power failure occurred at the Old Boston Garden during the 1988 Stanley Cup Final between the Bruins and the eventual champion Edmonton Oilers!

Natick excels at being unsporting – just ask Framingham!

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick owns a boat which he renamed VIII Rings after winning Super Bowl LIII!

Chuck Connors, TV’s “The Rifleman” played 53 games for the Boston Celtics!

You can trace a direct line in left field at Fenway from Ted to Yaz to Rice to Greeny, then a JAG or two to Manny, to a whole bunch of other JAG’s to Benny!

Follow Mr. Darden at @StdSportswriter on Twitter.

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