09/16/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Green Team Generals.

It’s like I always say; you have no margin for error when playing Game One of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Miami Heat at the NBA bubble in September.

Yawn. I like US Open tennis final matches that build up America.

Someone please tell Steve Roenicke that tanking teams are supposed to lose.

‘Cam Newton might have run for three touchdowns, if he had eaten a ham sandwich pregame.’ – Ben Volin, probably.

How are the spiders getting into the house?

I’ve made a slight change to the pronouns in my bio and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Terry Bradshaw shouldn’t buy any green bourbon whiskey. 

Cakes are cooking for Rosemary Casals, Lenny Clarke, Robin Yount, and Alexis Bledel.

Nat Weiner is a free agent. Hard to believe.

Might be too little too late Islanders.

Well, I for one though Dan McNeil was complementing Maria Taylor’s ‘fit!

Does Fitzy have another personal account where he tweets about all his Greek aunts and how they do funny dances at weddings and try to put stuffed grape leaves in every meal?

Personally, I watch every non-live-sports show on NESN.

Whomever it is … Andy Reid or Eric Bienemy, they have some great route concepts!

Suddenly, there is a real RB market. With Christian McCaffrey leading the way and Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook and Alvin Kamara more recently, the best backs in the NFL are getting paid.

Netflix should make a Cuties 2 starring Griffin Holt and Deuce Tatum.

Gunter glieben glauchen globen.

Always enjoy dweebs on the socials racing to be the first to say ‘don’t blame the refs’ right after the refs do something ghastly.

Sure TikTok is ChiCom spyware and is normalizing filming things in portrait mode, that’s probably why they’re advertising during NFL games. 

I’m already furious about the paltry return Boston is going to get trading away Tanner Houck.

Don’t google Payne Stewart.

With Halloween around the corner, a suggestion that a white sock, some ketchup, and a mask around your neck makes for both a timely and nostalgic costume.

That Skyrizi (Risankizumab-rzaa) song is catchy.

Knock-Knock. ‘Who’s there?’ Mason Sousa. ‘Mason Sousa who?’ EXACTLY.

Anytime you can throw your new superstar QB under the bus you have to do it. If that was one of Archie’s boys he did that to, Coach Kangol would already be fired.

Schweppervescence!

So I check my second fantasy football team and the guy I’m playing, get this, he had Miles Sanders, you know, on the Eagles? in his starting lineup, and he was listed as ‘out’ due to a hamstring, and I was like, you gotta pay attention pregame injury announcements dude, and then I look at my third team, the one that was autodrafted, and wouldn’t you know it, Sanders was in MY starting lineup! I still somehow won that game. Classic.

Hello Fellow nepotists, the phrase That pays this Week is “Mike , Turn put the Lights the Tampa Party is over.”

Breer DIAF. How’s that for a hip nickname?

Timely Threes! Until they weren’t.

Do you qualify for your SAG card if you appear in a Fitzy ‘Shit Pats Fans Say’ video?

Slim-fit shirts. Is that aspirational, or just poor business to be selling those to America? Good luck.

Ted Johnson’s face is its own positive PED test.

Johnny Most’s kid should throw Ordway down the the stairs. Grandkid?

Kirk is so mad he’s gonna hold his breath until he dies and then Skip will be soooooo sorry!

Things are gettin’ clearer, yeah I feel free, to bare my skin, yeah that’s all me. Nothing and me, go hand in hand. Nothing on my skin; that’s my new plan. Nothing is everything.

Honk if you remember V66.

Who relived cloud-yeller emeritus Bob Ryan from the journalistic trenches so he could have a gay time watching Johnny Weir?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but Fentanyl is bad.

Never walk by the electric meter when the AC compressor and the washing machine are both running. Thing was spinning like a gyroscope.

Brie Larson is not driving that Nissan Sentra in a safe manner. She can forget Jake from State Farm, she will be lucky to have the General provide her an auto insurance policy.

Diagnosing football injuries while drinking Franzia on your couch isn’t being ‘in sports’. Sorrey!

Prime rib? Overrated.

Rest in peace, Jeannette Belichick.

Best bet for the weekend: a tied series.

MYKE!!

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesCoach, and #the15 were used in this column. Contents may settle during shipping.

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09/09/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Less than ideal. Stay safe.

I hope the recorded sound guys at Gillette Stadium remember the crowd doesn’t ever get loud there.

Chelsea Handler may be a vacuous lush, but she wasn’t maneuvered into defending the easily disprovable ‘there are no Confederate flags in Maine! None whatsoever!’ position.

‘Don’t get cocky, Boston fans; remember Yogi’s law!’ Aw, stuff a sock in it, Bob.

You what the world needs right now? More NFL power rankings!

If it didn’t feel like a real season before, it surely doesn’t now that Andy Biceps wont be with us the rest of the way.

Get well soon, Ted Wayman.

Fitzy definitely put the maloika on the Celtics. Wait, is that Irish or Greek?

Cakes are cooking for Joe Theismann, Leslie Thompson, Adam Sandler, and Emma de Caunes.

Stick tap to the most explosive gender reveal party ever!

Now can they let Brady trademark ‘Tom Terrific’?

My official ranking are:

  • 1. Auerbach
  • 2. Wooden
  • 3. Burke

…but Doris is climbing!

When do they announce who the officials are going to be for the Celtics/Raptors Game Six?

Fred in and Blind Mike out. Meh.

You have two kickers when you have 2 kickers.

Robert. Gordon. Dalbec.

Did all the ticket scalpers get arrested? What happened to those guys?

Blehhh! Derek Rivers feel good story! Blehhhh!!

Maybe the Lightning is just really good at scoring goals.

If you aren’t suicidal, do you really deserve to be on any podcast?

Gamesmanship!

Welcome to Phase 3 Step 1 Somerville. Where ya been?

It’s ‘corps’, you idiots.

Did John Dennis have Tommy John surgery on his liver? What’s taking so long?

Trees are full of wood, and water.

If you watch Pete Blackburn play video games on Twitch you let the terrorists win.

Kudos to Plain Black Hat for introducing Beantown to an obscure program named Cobra Kai.

Chin up, Midshipmen. The Penobscot Expedition was a worse defeat.

Hope Solo wasn’t elected into the National Soccer Hall of Fame? Outrageous! Also; we have a National Soccer Hall of Fame?

A girls’ weekend in NYC and nobody invited DJ Bean? Smh.

Congrats to Proud Boy Steve Robinson on being the most sane person associated with the Kirk Minihane Podcast. I guess.

Stoolgreenie. That’s it; that’s the joke.

Every night I come home exhausted from trying to get along. I need some sentimental hygiene. Everybody’s joining up to fight for the right to be wrong. I need some sentimental hygiene

Hey gang of ink-stained wretches, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Willie decked Clayborn.”

So EA Sports has added Kaep to Madden21? Why not add Zolak, too?

How dumb was the Harvard Extension College admittee? She though Lou Brock was the mascot for Slippery Rock University.

Honk if you remember League specific MLB umpires.

If you’re a New York Baseball Yankee fan trying to find the silver lining in these struggles, throw @MichaelParente a follow. Medicine for the soul.

There is nothing that gives you away as a poor more than asking for the WiFi password at a bar or restaurant.

Tawm picked Meghan as his new Quick Slants co-host. It’s like he didn’t even know Marisa is looking for work.

Von Miller couldn’t bribe the MRI man?

Picture this; a third sports radio station featuring headliners Upton Bell and Ted Sarandis. Make this happen.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but Arrested Development stinks!

Best bet for the weekend: Huge Pats fanz everywhere will yell Fire Belichick within the first two series.

This is just crazy enough to work.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Twitch, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. And Chiggsy.

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2020 Labor Day Playlist

(New Songs Being Added All Weekend!)

Dear BJBSJ Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is a musical playlist for your Labor Day Weekend enjoyment. Click HERE to download. Songs to enjoy as you stay six feet apart and, because you’ve been so good with following the rules, you can listen in any order. Suggestions for additional tracks are welcomed.

It’s ovah.
  • Watermelon – Mezerg
  • I’ll Drop Tears For Ya – Cancel Culture Club
  • This is Mitch Moreland – Gabby Guthrie
  • Dick Move – Chico and the Baseball Boys
  • Snoop TKO – Teddy Suyourass
  • 25 or 6 to 4 – TC and the Final Scores
  • Shipping Up to Hymietown – The Droptears McNultys
  • Silly Summer Tourney – Saldo Nova
  • Seatwarmer – Steve Roenicke and the Marked Men
  • Wide Right – The 3 Percenters
  • Good Rockin Tonight – Commander Sarandis and His Retractable Dome Air Patrol
  • The Mins Are Alt Right – The Whom
  • Mama Said Knock You Out – Team Simone
  • In the Year 2020 – Zager and Absolutely No Evan’s
  • Eight and Eight Here We Come – TJM and the Technicolor All-Stars
  • Dave’s Not Herr – Jewel (acoustic)
  • Do You Know the Way to BJBSJ? – The Massachusetts State Police Marching Band
  • Franzia Energy – The Dear Wifeys
  • There Is Nothin’ Like A Dame – Cast of South Pacific
  • Never Learn Not To Love – The Beach Boys
  • Working (From Home) Man – Power Ceiling
  • Love Theme to Untitled Gary Tanguay Project – Burt Bacharach
  • Qwite Fwankly – Qwiet Wiot
  • Happy Worker Song – Shigeyoshi Wholesome Entertainment and Vending Concern Song Group
  • Jeepin’ N Weepin’ – Drivin N Cryin
  • A Spoonful of Sugar – OBF and the 3 Livers
  • There’s One Good Sunday For Apple Picking, And This One Just Ain’t It – The Postermen
  • The Last Belt Notch Blues – The Quarantine Fifteen
  • Josie (Is Not the Name of This Song) – W.A. Brown
  • Stuck Truck Blues – Norton Adams & The State Collegians (Live)
  • Bellingham to Boston – The Seven Dollar Meatballs
  • Summer Dollars – Amity High School Concert Band
  • We Will Follow You Into the Dark – Deathcab for Kirkie
  • The Boys of Summer –Tru C Royle
  • BHP – Brie2Brie (with Fun Uncle Carlos)
  • Bass Rocks – Willie Alexander
  • On Top of Spaghetti – Pasta & The Good Kids
  • Paddle Board (live w/ monologue) – Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
  • Family Emergency – Bubble Poppin’ Tuukkas
  • We Gefilte This City – Starrship
  • I Hope You Weren’t Driving Also – Regular Brian and the Granite State Finger-Wags
  • Sweater Girl Weather – Pneumatic Uzbeks
  • Shock Jock Talk – Royal Jen & The Planning Board
  • B-hole Pics – Asstec Camera
  • Killing Him Softly With My Picks/ Bill the GM
  • Cause I’m Black Y’all – Elle D
  • Summertime – UnderLemon: A Tribute to Badfish (with Splenda Rae)
  • (I May) Lie Down Again – The Dear Wifeys
  • Ratted and Shunned – Dave Brown and His Band of Renown
  • Night Scratching – R.E.M.D.A.W.G.
  • No Money No Problems – The Rabbi’s Daughter
  • It’s Designed to Break Your Heart – Lady BoSox and the Little Green Monsters
  • Storm Window SZN – The Hot Stovers
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09/02/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

What in Hell is this? Is this one of those Disambiguation posts? Where’s Black Manta?

Incredible work by the NBA reporters and analysts on the air right now. Reacting in real time to a historic situation. Well done by all involved on what’s a difficult day.

Meh. Time to get ready for a real quest for the Stanley Cup in 2021 anyway.

Allow us a moment to provide a barely related anecdote so that we can insert ourselves into the death of someone famous.

Did Plain Black Hat Morning Zookeeper discover The Fours today? Honestly, I had no idea they had other locations. You learn something new everyday Danny. I’ll take a Brock Holt Pita Pocket please.

Maybe we haven’t been clear about this: Marisa Ingemi doesn’t have a job.

Have a little self-respect Nick Nurse, if that is your real name.

Cakes are cooking for Glen Sather, Steve Porcaro, Keanu Reeves, and Salma Hayek.

Will Fred Toucher appear on Intervention? The therapist could bring a giant WALLDICK head! Zoinks!

I say a linesman should have licked Maroon’s skate, see if he was in the crease. #pudding

Wow, Kirk Minihane really DESTROYED <insert Barstool b-list personality here> this week, didn’t he?

With Heath Hembree and Kevin Pillar being traded, the last tenuous, imaginary link to the 2004 Red Sox team is gone.

There’s nothing worse than misplacing your Montgomery Ward catalog. And right before the sales tax holiday! My new 28 inch Magnavox console TV will have to wait.

Twenty Years as an Intern: The JStew Story. Sad.

Logan Ryan bided his time, changed agents, and lands at a perfect place. His familiarity with #Giants coach Joe Judge helped. In the end, Ryan stays home and NYG gets a ton of veteran help.

Hey bruce Cassidy..the honeymoon is over for you pal

Doctor Shiva? That’s not a Senate candidate name. That’s a supervillain name.

Hey wokesters and wokistas! This week’s Phrase that Pays is “Adele’s Bantu knots highlight the fine line between cultural appropriation and appreciation.”

The Shea Concrete podcast is definitely in my top five precast concrete industry podcasts, maybe top three.

So Janet Wu is nuts, apparently. And allegedly.

Missed the story of Drag Race legend Chi Chi DeVayne’s death a couple weeks ago. A sad day for motorsports.

PLAYER X >>> Player To Be Named Later.

A cinnamon sugar rim? On an Oktoberfest? This is a question? C’mon bartendress. Be better.

Say what you will about OJ Simpson, but the man’s body language was above reproach. What?

Woman! Physically fit, Physically fit. Physically-Physically-Physically-Physically

That’s just Cushy being Cushy.

Marc(k) James, he clearly doesn’t know what unwanted attention is.

The Red Sox now need a new Jimmy Fund Captain… again.

Tuukka wouldn’t have stopped those freak deflections or seen those screened pucks, either, you dum-dums.

But why would Bonnie Bramlett lie about what Elvis Costello said?

Unblock me, Evan Lazar you coward!

Bill Simmons will always remember the late John Thompson threatening to kill then-UMass coach John Calapari, probably.

Honk if you remember The Fours.

I worry the spirit of Weird Celtics Twitter died a while ago.

Happy Luxury Tax Reset Day, Red Sox fans! Buy your commemorative t-shirts here! So good! So good! So good!

That Vanessa Welch is freckly.

Best bet for the weekend: poorly-made mint julips.

It’s funny because they let Mookie go for pennies on the dollar!

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Insta, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column.

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08/26/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

A nice lady.

Is Boogie, Dame, Spida the 2020 Snap, Crackle, Pop? I’m just asking the question, caller.

Gotta beat them Lightnings in regular time, Bruins.

  • Hot: Running a “border wall” Venmo scam
  • Not: Running a “moving expenses” Venmo scam.

Kirk spends a month in therapy and immediately starts attacking his “friends” again. No one could have predicted this.

An Indy 500 Race that finishes under a caution flag is still a win, Takuma Sato.

Believe Victims* (Void in Eagle, Colorado.)

Are the Red Sox best exemplified by their 3 game win streak, or their eight game losing streak? I guess we will have to watch, and buy merchandise, and support the Boston Globe newspaper to find out.

1= tweet “sexi booti smarf mc buckets”

2=(insert the art of a child)

3= become wct royalty

4= profit but refuse because money is bad

Tough to see Bleacher Report closing up shop on their long form magazine. Company to watch out for to fill the void? Couch Guy Sports.

What time does Jerry Falwell Jr speak at the RNC?

Cakes are cooking for Tommy Heinsohn, Valerie Simpson, Ola Ray, and Macaulay Culkin.

Find someone who loves you as much as dummies in sports media love ‘bring a guy in for camp competition!’ storylines.

Why do they call that thing a ‘Zamboni?’ Just one of life’s unanswerable questions, I guess.

Jerry Jones on @1053thefan is asked whether the team is interested in Earl Thomas: he makes it clear the team is still weighing that possibility has respect for Thomas’ skillset and ability and acknowledges Thomas’ interest in Dallas in the past. Worth keeping an eye on.

Aloha means Goodbye, @WWIIFelger. Aloha.

Have the Buccaneers beat writers ever seen a good QB practice before?

For that matter have the Patriots beat writers? IJATQC.

Tried to watch the full Kenosha video. Couldn’t. Too upsetting. I mean really, portrait mode? It’s 2020, people! Enough is enough!

You just gonna let that shrubbery overgrow into the pool, Jimbo?

Popovich not coaching in the Association Playoffs is the greatest Social Justice issue of all.

KFC is taking the “Finger Lickin’ Good” slogan away. Jokes on them, I still have my toes.

My nickname for Luka Dončić is “Uka”, cuz with him, there ain’t no “L”.

Why do they dress Kathryn Tappen like an Amish Madam?

“Poor ghetto cocknob sells a broken i-Pad to whorish illegal alien child who then breaks his car mirror. A typical Lawrence love story” -Turtleboy Times

Out on Gary Meyers.

A reminder that BJBSJ really likes and respects its readers.

Lets all remember Anthony Martignetti on this Prince Spaghetti Wednesday. Rest in peace.

Poor Dave Meggett didn’t win enough championships, I guess.

  • Celtics : Sixers
  • Bruins : Leafs
  • Patriots : Bills
  • Red Sox : Red Sox fans

I see the media are circling the milk wagons for the telephone & telegraph gal.

How many feet of the border wall could Curt Schilling pay for by selling his “Golden Teeth of Auschwitz” collection?

Honk if you don’t care who’s blocked by Dougie Hamilton.

Everyone look at Jemele.

Hey Focksboro practice observationists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Damien Harris runs violent.”

I thought the Trail Blazers Game 1 win had a touch of the ‘Memorial Day Massacre’ vibe to it. Forgot to mention it at the time.

Pray for John Dennis if you happen to take a dump at the Punta Gorda rest stop. He’d be there if he could.

I’ll admit I’m lonely, and need someone to hold me just to sleep at night.
But I’d rather be alone rather wake up on my own come the morning time.
The days pass so slowly and it never fades. Evening comes, I’m looking for somebody else. These are things I say only when I’m talking to myself.

Robyn Hayward may want to look into a restraining order against Olivia Mignosa. Just sayin’.

John Davidson lives in NH? Now that’s incredible!

How many bunk beds fit in a padded cell?

It must be embarrassing at the ER when you have to explain how that “action figure” got stuck where it did.

A: Ipswich clams.

Honk if you’re wasted during weeknight playoff games.

Wait, did we honk already? Hell with it.

  • Out: Dame Dolla
  • In: Spida Mitchell

Thoughts and prayers go out to old friend Theodore Sarandis who is still recovering from the aftereffects of COVID-19.

Best bet for the weekend: MTV VMA’s, natch.

HBD, Tommy.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources#BoldFlavors, and #the15 were used in this column. Get help, Fuckface.

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08/19/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Before. And After.

Whoever had Andy Hart in the “which sports media member would have the worst COVID take” please come claim your prize. Wear a mask when you do.

That Tuukka opt-out really suuckks.

So far ‘The Player’ is the runaway leader in beat writer tracked camp stats.

Rask having Dale on speed dial isn’t all that shocking. With Dale’s reputation as a go getter and all.

Boy, Fitzy really wanted us to know he’s no homo.

Recent reports indicate that another COVID-19 side effect is that your Hart gets ratio’ed.

Gotta keep your head on a swivel, Jordan Staal.

So the ice cream truck song is racist? Well, what did Ed Markey know and when did he know it?

I guess deactivation is the ‘In’ thing to do for the late Summer 2020.

Cakes are cooking for Renée Richards, John Stamos, Tabitha Soren, and Fat Joe.

3 straight months of rehab? Classic Dino.

It’s curious that Dale keeps leaving the fellatio portion of his career out of these books. Not even one chapter?

Dame. That’s it; that’s the post.

I’m not saying that Andy Hart must make the least money out of anyone in his graduating class at Tufts, but…wait, I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying.

If Dan Lifshatz could add 1 MPH to his serve for every burner account he has, he’d probably be worthy of a scholarship.

I thought WLVI would send Jack Hynes to the DNC. Budget problems?

Vince Wilfork probably could have snuck Bianca into a hotel, unlike that Seahawks rookie. Just sayin’.

You keep Eric Clapton’s name out of your whore mouth Phoebe Bridgers!

Clowns acting like clowns SZN.

So they’re going to induce Robyn Hayward in two weeks, right? That’s what I’d want them to do.

Evan Lazar set to star in a remake of The Untouchables.

And Xander Bogaerts set to star in a remake of The Last of the Mohicans.

Imagine fighting for your country and coming home to find out your dad is blowing backup quarterbacks? Yikes.

I once broke one of baseball’s unwritten rules. Except that it wasn’t baseball, and it was indeed written down. Codified, even. Less than ideal.

Source: #Bears CB Artie Burns, who was carted off today, tore his ACL.

Brutal subtweet goes here.

The title of Fantasy Football Commissioner doesn’t hold the glamour it has in past seasons.

I confuse Yankees pitcher James Paxton with James Pullman.

Jayson Tatum; he’s just a baby!

NHL Playoff beards must be more comfortable at this time of year.

Hey spellcheckers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Hawthorne that bust Bhagwan must Khartoum.”

Bridget definitely pulled the goalie back in the day, right? I mean, come on!

Golfing!? I’m outraged!

Really, a duckboat parade during a COVID pandemic would be potentially disastrous. Thanks, Mister Henry!

How do you think the My Pillow guy sleeps, Anderson Cooper?

Nobody is better at explaining their own jokes better than Charlotte Wilder. NOBODY.

Imagine looking at Twitter and seeing only Chris Curtis and Bill Burt taking up your side. That’s even worse than a Bobby Grier Alliteration Draft.

A new Netflix series starring Donna Pescow could be refreshing.

Get help, Fuckface.

What was worse, Tuukka’s recent “dull at times” remark or Adrian Gonzalez’s “God didn’t have it in the cards” missive? Let us know in the comments.

Mensa Matt: Avenged.

That weirdo Brohio State football coach guy that tweeted out the hashtag #ilovethesemen makes me think about Gary Ganguay’s onetime follower, @premiumbukkake. I wonder if he still misses his Baby Boo Cake.

Fredgy’s group therapy participants are on week 3 of Detroit/Atlanta stories. How many suicide attempts are they up to by now? Zoinks!

Are we sure @Jack isn’t shadow deactivating?

Honk if you remember @WWIIFelger going to the convenience store, forgetting to get a bottled water for his wife, and then blatantly lying about it.

Hoping Verdugo gunning players down doesn’t become his “new thing”.

Dougie is not a name for a grown man.

You’d think by now they would be able to virtually Storrow a truck under the overpass. but no.

Best bet for the weekend: #BoldFlavors.

Dame.

material from interviews, wire services, gems from my Twitter that didn’t get near enough likes, other writers, league and team sourcesand surviving members of #the15, especially Bootleg (welcome back!), were used in this column. 

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08/12/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

I don’t know what ‘goodbye’ is in fake Ugandan. Goodbye.

Y’all had a good laugh at the expense of UMass football for a few hours. Har de har har. Until the other Conference shoes started to fall.

Quintuple Overtime Playoff hockey just hits different.

Only upside to having no electricity is not having to confront my worst nightmare. I shudder to even author this; Abby Chin will eventually not work for NBCSports Boston.

Its sad that Kamala Harris didn’t live to see Kamala Harris get the Veep nomination.

Future NFLHC Seeking young, twitchy edge bender for light football mansplaination. Violent hands preferred. Will accept tight skin, but fluid hips are a must. All-22 friendly. No squids, catfish, or single wings.

The Baseball Paper Boston Globe is really forcing laughably positive Alex Verdugo stories on us without our consent.

It’s not the health it’s the liability.

Lucy is like keto, apparently. Once you stop all the weight comes back immediately.

Lamar Miller? I heardahim!

Between Joe Haggerty and Abby, NBCSports Boston got rid of like five Chins!

Cakes are cooking for Jim Beaver, Pat Metheny, Lynette Woodard, and Sir Mix A Lot.

Also, cakes are, and at the same time, aren’t, cooking for Erwin Schrödinger.

No ones saying it, but if YOU wore a mask we’d have college football.

I hope Kirk comes back soon. A negative podcast hosted by a cynical douche peddling contrived outrage is definitely the best and only cure for my intense depression.

What’s the Austrian word for schadenfreude? Asking for a buddy of a friend.

Celtics are gonna surprise a lot of ignorant teenagers out there on the socials, no?

Hey Zayre’s Parking Lot attendants, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Built in excuse.”

How’s that? there’s another Phrase that Pays? “do the right thing.” What?

Hey, we’re up against a hard salary cap here; I can’t have all these phrases paying out!

Well lookie there, a triple H, like the weather we’ve been having! I miss Dickie Albert.

Anthony Lynn making history.

The Bruins may be able to flip the switch in the real playoffs. I just hope Eversource isn’t providing the power.

Kamala Harris? Would.

What the fuck is that guy going to do with a kidney?

XFL coming back? Cool.

I’m glad the Rangers ‘won’ the Draft lottery. After all, Madison Square Garden is the Madison Square Garden of hockey.

Them Subaru Foresters got two mufflers.

Call me when your precocious eight year old correctly tells you ‘you were assigned female at birth, and present as an exhausting blob.’

Meems? Joke’s over. Olly olly oxen free.

Bill Russell played in a mask throughout the 1968 pandemic, but that had more to do with disguising himself while he abused baby-dicked, belt-wearing actuaries from Peoria.

I look at her and she looks at me. In her eyes I see the sea. I don’t see what she sees in a man like me. She says she loves me. Her eyes, yeah, her eyes. Her eyes are a blue million miles.

Libby Warren: drop trail of tears below.

Ah, Courtney Fallon. Good to see she has time to troll between hooker funerals.

Bad Tuesday in C-Bus.

Bert Breer hasn’t been this sad since he found out why Mumsy made him call the gardener ‘Uncle Jorge’.

We can read your LinkedIn even without having Premium, you know.

Honk if you remember a time before Shark Week.

When she lets your collegiately sharpened, newly emancipated mind run wild >>>

That tenth win for the Red Sox may not show up in the standings until September.

Best bet for the weekend: I don’t know; I wrote this on Tuesday.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. 

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08/05/2020 Atomic Controlled Detonation of the Sports Junk Drawer

First!

Did the NBCSports Boston execs make their employees click through a slideshow to see who got their walking papers?

The letters to syllables ratio on Isaias is whack.

Is @ChrisPalmerNBA an actual real reporter, or a CONSONANTS fraud like Cushy or Dov?

Atlanta milk just hits different, I guess.

Maybe the President should just have all his interviews with Dave Portnoy?

Less than ideal, Bruins.

A belated Happy Birthday to Tom Brady, and also Happy Birthday to my ex-wife of 20 years who’s sleeping with her 3rd cousin right now.

Phil Jerkovec got his waiver! It’s happening! It’s all happening!

Bo Curran should not accept being demoted to second-string Prop Dog. Fight for your job!

Good luck to the Eagles coach. If you’re going to get the virus, now is the time. No practices or games to miss.

Cakes are cooking for Maureen McCormick, Tawny Kitaen, Patrick Ewing, and Funkmaster Flex.

Has anyone made a ‘LaCosse opted out of LAST season too!’ joke yet? How’s that? Everyone did? Oh.

Irish lawyers are jealous of Jewish lawyers? Maybe my sample size is off.

Natalie Weiner is a free agent.

I have concluded that my No. 1 favorite Metallica song is No Leaf Clover. An innovative and flawlessly executed collaboration of rock and classical with the SFSO. The track simply has no weaknesses.

Celtics may be a little rusty, but Pee Pee River Man sure isn’t.

Some mistakes can’t be undone, like trading Mookie, or flubbing a perfect season-clinching interception, or choosing the theoretical safety of nameless Verizon employees over keeping our Angel of Framingham active on Twitter.

Marisa’s brain and Gabby’s face from the right angle would make the perfect sports writer.

You could hear the screams of a thousand WCT jokes that will now go untold when Gordon Hayward knelt for the anthem in a BLM shirt.

Benny misses Brock!

Does anyone notice that I try to make sure the desk drawer items about the same sport aren’t next to each other? Like decorating a Christmas tree?

Reni Santoni died. Back in the day, Larry Johnson would have a tracing of David Ortiz to commemorate. Ciao, Poppie.

I guess Greg Dickerson can finally throw that Abby Chin voodoo doll away.

Tomase has an Abby Chin doll too. His is a little different, though.

Is Dov Kleiman a collective hallucination, or just a jobless Volin?

Clear off that dining room table! Sheesh!

You can bet Pederson and Lane Johnson were having fun when they contracted the Wuhan virus.

I think my old Aerobie finally blew off the roof.

Hey there Friends of Friends of Katie, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “I may lay down again.”

Maybe there’s room in the Red Sox rotation for those recent NBCSports castoffs. Couldn’t get any worse, could it!?

Craig Pickleman Calcaterra is a free agent.

I don’t know how much they pay the Couch guy who edits @BSPsBlockedList into something coherent, but double it. Double zero is still zero, right?

Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem, Chu!

DJ Bean keeping his job through the NBCSports layoffs is clearly part of the fake-gay agenda.

Honk if you remember the Woburn location of Gourmet Burgers & Brews.

Hey, how come they don’t move National Avocado Day to Tom Brady’s Birthday? Bwahahahaha!

All these layoffs and meanwhile Steve Buckley is ensconced at The Athletic having his intern research if there was ever a baseball episode of McHale’s Navy.

Breaking News: Celtics Great Bill Russell is still very much alive.

Drop tears below, Rhode Island.

The dog that’s receiving the hug from the other dog in those viral clips does not look thrilled to be involved.

Don’t let the NBCSports layoffs distract you from the fact that Beirut was literally nuked this week.

So my order at Kroger was successful, spammer? Good to know.

Don Meineke is managing with the urgency of a man who knows he’s just keeping the seat warm for Alex Cora.

NBCSB did the American taxpayer a huge solid, waiting until right after the $600 unemployment benefit expired to axe a shitload of employees. Hope Tanguay invested his Knives Out residuals. God Bless the USA.

There’s a stick tap waiting for when you get back, Textsy.

What with ‘them’ upping subscription costs Boston Sports Journal is probably newly solvent. And hiring. Probably.

Best bet for the weekend: it’s a tossup; light yard cleanup/COBRA coverage.

Lonely. Score some points, Bruins.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW participants Coma and NASCLand #the15 were used in this column. 

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07/31/2020 Bonus Return of Sports Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

‘Love Us?’ GTFO.

Yes, yes, I know; the NWSL and clam basketball returned already and they’re pro sports too. Shut up.

Is the magic number the same for the Marlins and Red Sox right now?

I’d sure like to opt-out of 2020. do ya feel me?

#ThankYouKirk for dismantling the Dennis and Callahan show from the inside.

I’m a hundred time more angry about the Celtics players wearing ‘Love Us’ than Hayward’s ‘Education Reform’ message. Those real fancy boys should have to play wearing Joe Mayo’s fur coat the whole game. “Want me! Love me! Shower me with kisses!”

How about Patrick Chung, opting out yet still taking down guys in the offseason?

I wish there was a handy resource where I could find out who Bill Simmons’ 14 year old daughter is following on Tik Tok.

Pfft. Dummies thought Marchy was hurt. Rubes.

No shared ketchup bottles allowed in restaurants any more must be killing @bigjimmurray‘s menchies.

Pats need to come out to T Swift tbh

If Portnoy gets to interview Putin next, does he ask him how he got so great at hockey?

Get help, Fuckface.

Kraft is making the players opt out so he doesn’t have to pay them, and also to distract Q-Anon, who is closing in on his human trafficking ring.

Kirk Minihane kills himself like Brett Favre retires.

I wouldn’t trust the league that ‘didn’t include the science, no sir’ to figure out on the fly how to keep me safe from COVID, either.

TBH, I hate both sides of the Joe Kelly argument.

I feel bad for all the other Ghislaine’s out there, don’t you?

I bet the reason Baseball has so many unwritten rules is because if they set them down on paper they’d realize a lot of them are really fucking stupid.

Who are the dummies who think the game is to post a Snoopy gif the fastest? Jerks! The game is to draw in the unaware.

Maybe Minihane’s most recent bout of mental illness will teach him that seeking out and obsessing about things to be outraged by is not a healthy pursuit. Or not.

Lou Schwechheimer can’t be the name of a real person.

Geez, Ma, is that Market Basket giant loaf of bread that you feed to the birds a good use of limited refrigerator space?

Tawm C. is now trampolining off Ken fucking Laird. Sad to see.

Why is it okay to dehumanize Robyn Hayward; because she doesn’t need 4 different filters to look attractive on social media?

I’m mostly sure I thought John McNamara died a couple years before Walpole Joe Morgan did.

And speaking of dead people, John Lewis’ mourning period is going to outlast the length of this MLB season.

800 Dunkins are closing, which means there are still 800,000 more to go.

Seize the opportunity, Honey Dew!

Who’s thirstier? Fred Toucher or @MarkPiselli13?

Best bets on COVID-19 testing results? Very attractive overs in Tampa, Houston and Oakland.

Dale Arnold and Dave O’Brien are the same person. Prove me wrong.

Pasta is a Good Kid.

Still, that Minihane produces more content from a rubber room than Entitled Town has all summer.

People have been calling me a pessimist for years. But while my severe anxiety and depression brought on by childhood trauma impacts how I think about most things, including baseball, I wasn’t wrong about this team. In fact, they’re even worse than I thought.

Is Bo Curran away at college with Chuck Cunningham?

Marisa Ingemi is still a free agent.

Change the name of the Gary Pettis Bridge to the Doug Decinces Bridge.

China IS asshoe.

Aloha means Goodbye. Aloha, Mike Golic. And possibly Greeny.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan, under someone’s bed.
You put me on and said I was your favorite.

Thirty bucks to “make magic” with the guy who blew the starting line of the Bruins seems fair.

C’mon, bruh, pretend Minifans gotta stick together.

My editor just asked why I didn’t like the manicotti at Table Boston. How did he know that?

Best bets for the weekend? Reds at Tigers, 6:10 PM Saturday, FS1. (Pending COVID-19 Test Results).

Controversial.

Standard disclaimers apply. Kevin wrote a lot of these. Stay safe.

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07/28/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

This.

The Marlins just proved that Baseball is a truly team sport.

Best of luck as always to Kirk Minihane for once again bravely opening up about his ongoing and not at all suspiciously timed battle on two fronts against depression and other people getting attention. Thank you Kirk. You probably saved lives. And no doubt will again.

I hope the WNBA is happy their little national anthem disrespecting stunt killed Olivia de Havilland.

Boston Cannons, your 2020 MLL Champs.

If all the other MLB teams get a million COVIDs and the Sox don’t, do the duckboats start inside Fenway or MGH?

Alls I’m asking is that for the wacky buddy comedy back-to-back movie poster is that John Dennis is the “can you believe this guy?” thumb jerk one and Fredgy Toucher is the palms up “whadda ya want from me?” fella. A man can dream.

This Kevin Pillar is going to confuse me. Like Heath Hembree.

Did you know that Jen Royle used to be on WEEI? Jen may excuse her courseness by claiming she’s still talking like a sports broadcaster, but Mike Reiss has never told me to go fuck myself.

Dale Arnold gets $30 per Cameo message? That’s three meatballs at Table! Or a tank of gas to get there and back. But not both.

I just pre-ordered Orioles: 3 Games to Glory.

Cakes are cooking for Lori Loughlin, Garth Snow, Dana White, and Elizabeth Berkley.

Hazy, hot, and humid out there. Probably a good idea to stay inside in a dark room and sit in a recliner while you scratch your arms.

Black Lives Matter hanging a banner at Fenway without winning the championship is very Indianapolis Colts. Quite frankly!

I don’t want to say these Minifans are officially a cult, but I’d be careful if Kirk starts talking about catching a ride on that comet.

Tom Werner is more popular than Regis Philbin in this baseball town.

Man, that Robyn Hayward, amirite?

Who tossed more softly last week, the Red Sox pitching staff or Dave Portnoy in the Rose Garden?

Congrats to JBJ for winning the battle title this year.

Greg ‘Big Boy Tuesdays’ Bedard thinks he doesn’t dance for the cameras?

Fred Toucher was so loaded on the air last week, I had to double check that I wasn’t listening to an episode of @EntitledTown

Somebody should keep an eye Ben Volin and make sure he’s not going to Nantucket and trying to cough on VIII RINGS.

How much would have Nomar loved playing in front of zero fans?

Blehhh! Kraken! Blehhhh!!

NESN running the same 5 annoying commercials between innings, a tradition unlike any other.

The #49ers have agreed to adjust the contract for RB Raheem Mostert following his stellar play to end last season, per @TesslerSports. With the relationship in a better place last week, the two sides moved quickly.

Jeter’s Marlins, huh? I guess this proves Valtrex has no effect on Covid.

A lot has been made about the Newton v. Stidham quarterback competition, but keep your eye out for Dom Grady.

OK, I’ll admit it: I’m happy for Josh Bard.

Hey there, burners, burnees, and burnouts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Drop tears below.”

I assume the Red Sox ownership group is now going have the Unity Ribbon from Opening Day cut into 2″ squares, available for purchase for $20.20!

Dale will be taking temperatures of ANYONE, and I mean anyone, attempting to enter WARRIOR Ice Arena!

Is it true those aren’t real fans on the monster? Seem very lifelike to me.

I miss those MVP Sports radio ads.

If the WNBA turns out to be a front for domestic terrorism, then I’m done with that league.

Have they trotted out poor Chaim Bloom costumed in a dashiki yet? Hashtag BLM.

Dino’s back?

Stop making things easier for those herped-up perverts, Nurx!

I guess Kirk wasn’t clear about his feelings on hero worship. He hates it!

How come none of those eggheads at Harvard and MIT have figured out a way to keep trucks from getting tuna canned on Storrow Drive?

Lobster >>> Baloney.

Did anyone else know Fred’s real last name was Toettcher? I guess we never really know our heroes.

Honk if you remember Joe & Andy.

When Jen Royle moves back to NYC, will Dale Arnold still drive there for takeout?

Where do I send my donation for the Verdugo Innocence Project?

My Julyteenth was uneventful.

Best bet for the weekend? A North End / Waterfront Neighborhood Council Meeting, ASH-LEE.

No connecting service to Saco.

material from #the15, interviews, wire services, Facebook, my-journal.com, Tessler Sports, other writers, league and team sources, Twitter user @jimfoleyBSMW participant NASCL, and #the15 were used in this column. 

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