Get Well, Get Well Soon Big Papi

No, WE salute YOU.

Everyone here at The Journal was shocked and saddened to learn Sunday that David Ortiz was shot in the leg, or possibly in Venezuela, during a burglarobbery of some sort. Imagine our increased shock and sadness when we found out that none of that happened as originally reported, and that Papi (as he’s called) was actually more gravely wounded.

Red Sox Slugger David Américo Ortiz Arias. OOTG’s

Here then, offered for your purchasing consideration at the BJBStoreJ, (link) a Special Commemorative Edition Jersey like the one Big Pappi wore during his time in Boston. This pristine jersey in cocaine white with blood red lettering makes a smart addition to the closet of any fan. It features the team name in those funny letters on the front and his name and iconic jersey numeral sewn on the obverse. 1% of the proceeds go to the David Ortiz foundation, naturally. We’re not one to tell you how to fan, but if there’s a better way to show your re24pect for Dave, we don’t know what it is. Thank you. PapiStrong.


Chad Finn’s Sports Machine Returns!

A little something to entertain you between games one and two of today’s doubleheader against the Rays.

Originally broadcast March 21, 2014.

Music- Organ playing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’, fades out and a recording of “March To The Trenches” swells up

Peter Abraham’s Voice-over: It’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, sportswriter, Chad Finn .

Chad Finn: Welcome to this evening’s special edition of the Sports Machine, one dedicated to a sport that is said combines the two worst things about America, violence punctuated by committee meetings; Football. [pause for laughs – none occur] And here to play are two folks well known around these parts, first, Boston Globe NFL/Patriots beat writer Ben Volin!

[Volin, texting on his phone, walks past Finn’s outstretched hand and eventually bumps into his contestant’s podium, knocking his sunglasses off] Ben Volin: Hi there Chad, when did you get here?

Chad Finn: A while ago, Ben. What charity will you be playing for?

Ben Volin: The PennStart Program, they refurbish urban tennis courts in the Greater Boston area. I hope to be, you know… good help for them. Good help.

Chad Finn: Very well, and opposing Ben, or should I say, lining up across the neutral zone, [winces] is Boston Globe Sports columnist emeritus, Bob Ryan! [Bob shakes hands with Chad and shuffles over to his podium]

Bob Ryan: Glad to be here Chad. My charity will be the Sons of Willie McDonough Youth Darts League.

Chad Finn: Most excellent. Let us engage the sports machine. Gentlemen, to assuage the feelings of some sensitive souls, the questions tonight will focus exclusively on football. All right, hands on buzzers. [he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that Chad reads ] Who said ‘If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead?” [Volin buzzes in]

Ben Volin: Mr. John W. Henry! [Incorrect answer SFX buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: Sorry, Bob? [Bob does nothing] [time’s up buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: The answer was humorist Erma Bombeck. Easily the distaff equal to Mark Russell in humor.

Chad Finn: Bob Ryan will have control of the board, and here are the Big Board categories; “George Carlin: right again!”, “What a Pottsville Maroon”, “Habsburgs, Ottomans and Patriots”, “Laughingstock Franchises”, “The Sainted Mara Family”, “Not a Football Town” and “Puffed or Stuffed?”

Bob Ryan: I’ll select “The Sainted Mara Family” for $400. Chad Finn: Timothy Mara’s great-granddaughter Kate Mara, appears on what Netflix show?

Bob Ryan: Netflix, whazzat, those red kiosk things by the Walgreens? They show programs? [Volin buzzes in]

Ben Volin: House of Cards, Chad. [correct answer bell rings]

Chad Finn: Correct. Ben Volin: Ummm…I’ll go with “Puffed or Stuffed” for $600 then.

Chad Finn: Eating the dish known in Japan as ‘Fugu’, if ill-prepared can be almost as dangerous to your health as playing football, what animal is it derived from?

Ben Volin: The quahog, stuffed quahog, stuffies? [Incorrect answer SFX buzzer sounds]

Chad Finn: Sorry, incorrect. Bob Ryan?

Bob Ryan: Fugu? Isn’t that that urbanwear that all the hippetyhop guys dress in?

Chad Finn: No, not really; do you have an answer to the question?

Bob Ryan: Can I get a chair or something? My prostate is blown up like a pufferfish… [correct answer bell rings]

Chad Finn: I guess that counts. Stay “Puffed” or new category?

Bob Ryan: “Not a Football Town” for $1000.

Chad Finn: This New England based team ran out of steam and rolled away in after the 1931 season, what city was it based- [Chad is interrupted by a group of men in coveralls]

Foreman- We need to measure this room for Mr. Henry.

Chad Finn: What? That’s not right, I’m taping a show righ-[stops, a frozen grin forms on his face] it’s a good thing that Mr. Henry needs my studio for his own needs. A good thing. Thanks to Ben and Bob, who is tonight’s winner, we’ll be back next Friday, somewhere, with another show, hopefully.

Peter Abraham Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine” this week. Good night.


Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 6/5

Sweeping up the debris from sports reactor #4-

Who’s gonna be the starting TE for New England when the season kicks off? Probably one of the players they have on the roster then.

Boston Bruins player Charlie Coyle is from Weymouth, MA? Why am I just hearing about this now?!

Look on the bright side Austin Seferian-Jenkins; you’ll always be a former Patriot if you ever get yourself arrested.

David Price is still holding all the cards. And the local scribes hate that.

Hey Sudbury’s Duck Soup: get to work making new Sky Bars, willya?

People who work with words should understand the difference between ‘optional’ and ‘mandatory.’ IMO.

Barstool’s Mexican President Portnoy WASN’T a victim of battery due to the legal theory of ‘quisquiliae hominem.’

I think I’ve called Tom Brady ‘The Pharoah’ more times than I’ve called him ‘Tom Terrific.” (shrug)

I want Tom Brady (or more correctly, the TEB Capital Management employee who does such things) to apply for trademark protection for ‘The Sultan of Swat” and “Willis Reed.”

However, my buddy Wayne’s Fatha wants TB12 to trademark “TOM THE TERRIBLE TURKEY WHO SAID TOODLELOO TO TRYING.” That’s a thing he made up back in 2010. Said he was ‘right at the time.’

I wonder what ‘Jeopardy James’ is gonna do with his newly won $2,464,216.

Low thread count or not, this Barstool Bruins towel has already cleaned up *my* toxic masculinity on several non-consecutive occasions!

Toronto Raptors versus the Golden State Warriors is like some sort of regional armed conflict that leaves an outside neutral observer with the desire that both sides somehow manage to lose.

Not for nothing, unnamed Fenway Park head groundskeeper featured in the WEEI weight loss ads: but I wouldn’t have recognized you BEFORE you lost 70 pounds, never mind now. Sorrey!


NBCSports/Boston website: MOAR SLIDESHOWS!!

Cakes are cookin’ today for Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Robert Kraft.

I’m legit excited to see how many of my songs don’t make the transition from iTunes to Apple’s successor app.

Remember this name; William. Patriots. Bendetson.

It’s ‘Bad Takes Week’ over to The MMQB? Do I need to type the punchline?

It’s been over 50 years since a St. Louis team bested a Boston squad in a championship, Bruins. No pressure.

It just occurred to me: Boston has Duckboats AND Swan Boats.

Don’t look now, but Howie’s Kid won the ‘Good Guy Award’ given out by the Professional Football Writers of America. Again.

And yes; they call it that without a hint of irony or self-reflection.

You ever get the feeling that someone who claims on Twitter they went to college in Rhode Island, or tells famous sports figures in improbably diverse locales exactly what he is thinking regarding their teams may be lying?

Feels like it might rain later.

The Venn diagram of “Chara should suck it up and play!” opiners and “Guys who haven’t worked in five years because of a ‘bad back'” is a circle.

Nice trophy, John W. Henry. The one for the footie match, too.

Honk if you remember Pleasure Island in Wakefield.

Best bet for Thursday Night? Black. And Gold.


Cleaning out the Sports Junk Drawer 5/29

Emptying out the sports drip tray..

Really though; didn’t Memorial Day feel like a Sunday?

I think Peter Gammons broke into the applejack stores a little in advance of the holiday.

So Bill Buckner died on Memorial Day? Only in baseball, Danny.

Speaking of the ’86 Red Sox, I don’t remember everyone saying they forgave Calvin Schiraldi after he died.

Less Drake, more Josh. Amirite?

Bruins shook off the sleepies in Game One.

I bet Mike Jastremski is a better ballplayer than John Henry Williams was. No disrespect.

Cakes are cookin’ today for Brent Musberger and Zola Budd.

News Item: Friendly’s Ice Cream co-founder Curtis Blake dies at age 102. Is survived by older brother Pres, 104.

Dan Sileo looks like he smells bad. Like Charles Pierce, but a different bad smell.

I’m no expert on the subject, but I’m quite certain based solely the billboard advertisements that fireworks are now legal in Massachusetts. No further research is needed.

I hope N’Keal Harry told Tom Brady how disappointed with him that he wasn’t at OTA’s when they met and Tom threw passes to the Patriots rookie.

Gosh darn it ABC; I’m still not sure which one was Whiskey, and which one was Cavalier!

You don’t need cartilage in your knee to be an unnamed clubhouse source, Dustin Pedroia.

Native Ontarian Dr. Naismith would probably be ok with a Toronto squad of cagers winning an NBA title. But not me.

Ellen Barkin, you still got it kid.

Good job, good effort Boston College Women’s Lacrosse.

When is Marty Walsh going to announce he’s running for President?

Who thinks the Kansas City Chiefs will take the proper lesson from having their proposed rule change rebuffed by the League? Yeah, me neither.

My chihuahua doesn’t think he’s small, he’s just far away.

Narragansett Beer no longer brewing their Summertime Citra Ale is so #RItypical.

Carter Stewart clearly plans to be Big In Japan.

Walk without rhythm; and it won’t attract the worm.

You can have The Dropkick Murphy’s. I’ll take Madness.

You didn’t hear it from me, but there’s a brisk secondary market online for jarts.

Honk if you remember The Ground Round


A WEEI-Themed Memorial Day Playlist.

(Dear BJBSJ Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is a musical playlist for your Memorial Day enjoyment. Click HERE to download. The theme this year is potential WEEI format changes, and the different music they would then play. It’s funny because it is true! So without any further ado, and no listening out of order);

Disc One: Country 93.7

1. Boston – Kenny Chesney

2. I’m Alright – Jo Dee Messina

3. Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band

4. I Hope You DIAF – Lee Ann Crespo-Womack

5. Drinking Double Shots of Crown While Sittin On the Beach: How The Hell Is That A Country Song? – Joe Bob the Great

6. Save A Host (Ride A Flashboy) – Big O and Rich

7. A Boy Named Lou – Johnny Venmo

8. The Ballad of Postmaster Gerry – FlashSGT Barry Sadler

9. The Dale Went Down To Middays – Charles. Edward. Daniels.

10. Lonely ol’ Overnight (10-2 shift) – Ron Muskmelon Catamount

11. Before He Cheats (Again) – Sara Underwood

12. I’m Tellin’ You How To Fan -Sam “Ol’ Foot Locker” McBanjodick

13. Oh Atlanta – Eddie Money with Jaromir Jagr

14. One Hour DVR Extension – Jocko Fergus & the Coonhounds

15. The Wreck of the Joey Zarbano – Gordon Lightfoot

16. I Got Ratings In Low Places – Amalgam of Suck

17. Count The Numbers (Providence) – Sheetmetal Badgers

18. Elmira – Dick Teefe and the Downward Failers

19. Havelicek Myself Back Into Rehab – Bombay John and the Spring Water Slurrerers

20. Most Messed Up – The Old 93.7’s

And here is Disk 2, WEEI – Boston’s New Alternative:

1. Who You Drivin’ Now? – Muthoney

2. I Believe Nothing – Alex In Chains

3. All Star – Mush Mouth

4. Runaway Train – McLean Asylum

5. Hey There Pedroia – The Pricey White Tees

6. Sweet, Sweet, Sweetness – Beetle Eat World

7. Periscope Killed the Radio Star -The Circle Kirks

8. Frank From Gloucestah – Sheet Cake

9. I’m The Nicest Person I Know – Jenny and the Krylonettes

10. don’t tell me how to fan! – lc mafia

11. Danny California – The Red Headed Chili Bastards

12. In Bill We Trust (I Guess) – Hugh Patrick Sfanbut & The Toxic Objectivity Orchestra

13. Literally Sobbing – Gabs and the Starfish

14. Interstate 95 Love Song – Futility Lou

15. Shaw’s Super Bon Bon -Soul Hiccuping

16. AIDS Beer Pose – Salkgarden (Lawnmowerfinger: Live version)

17. Dancing on the Dunes – The Gamere Fens Nesters

18. Speculate/Hyperventilate – Fictional Friction

19. Visualization Of The Space Mind Gargamel XI: Winning The Offseason – Dero Spedes

20. Low Ratings Panic Attack – Radiodotcomhead

*Suggestions as to songs we missed are welcome in the comments.

A trans-WordPress cooperative collaboration with, who had it first before we had it first.


Holiday Weekend Public Service Announcement

We here at BJBSJ just want to remind our readers not to forget what this Holiday Weekend is all about. And no, it’s not about the drinking, or the motorsports, or climbing on the dunes, or the grilling, or even watching other people barbecue:

It’s about thanking the soldiers.

Soldiers. See them: thank them. (Note also applies to Marines, Sailors & Airmen)

Let’s be careful out there.


Wait. What?

Conspicuously absent as a choice? The players and coaches. Oddly enough! Smdh.


Clearing Out The Sports Junk Drawer

(Spoiler alert – contains references to Game of Thrones plot points. )

That was easily the most satisfying HBO series finale since ‘Arli$$’.

The last time I saw a throne melted with that much hot fire it was Marc Bertrand after the atomic wings in the double wide Gillette Stadium handicapped stall.

And Cersei and Jaime were buried under fewer bricks than in an Alex Reimer shoot around.

It’s a good thing all the ‘Bob Kraft should plead guilty’ people are incapable of feeling shame.

So we’re taking shots at the local franchise with the most championship banners because they had the poor form to not reach their finals and deny us a ‘Boston Slam’? C’mon man.

Maybe the flat Earth thing should have been a red flag about Kyrie. (shrug)

Pastrnak is a good kid.

Man, if I followed soccer I would have thoughts about Bruce Arena and the NE Revolution.

This Chavis kid is angling for his own plaque at Fenway Park!

Tuukka Rask: 2 U’s, 2 K’s, 22 whiskers.

So the horse that was interfered with at the Kentucky Derby then goes and wins the Preakness? Only in horse racing, Danny.

That Camille Kostek; she’s got a shape to her.

I sometimes wonder if Pro Football Focus is just making up their grading numbers.

I’m glad there are people on Twitter who will assist me in remembering which sports Final/Finals is singular and which is plural, the NBA or the NHL.

I sometimes wonder what Pac would have thought about Bron.

Andy Hart? Really?

I hope the Bruins get exactly enough rest.

A little birdie told me that Bobby Ryan has switched from Welch’s to Smuckers for his toothpaste. Seems legit.

Color me reactionary, but I think they have to change the admission rules for the Patriots Hall of Fame.

Some company somewhere is making replacement parts for duckboats, right?

We’re touched that other fans think the Patriots are exclusively responsible for the imbalance of power in the AFC East, but those franchises being clownshows off the field plays a sizable part, too.

Wait; Wahlburgers? It’s a play on words! I get it!

People who live or die during every at-bat during May baseball deserve their self-inflicted misery.

Honk if you remember The Penalty Box.


Chad Finn’s Sports Machine!

(Originally broadcast March 7, 2014)

Voice-over: It’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, sportswriter, Chad Finn.

Chad Finn: Good evening. “Sports, say the ancient Greeks, is morally serious because mankind’s noblest aim, is the loving contemplation of worthy things,” and I’d say it’s particularly a propos in light of today’s spring training split-squad game. [ audience issues a blank, sluggish stare ] Joining me today are two gentlemen who would no doubt agree. First, former pitcher for the Red Sox, Tim Wakefield. Good day, Tim. Tell us, what do you miss most since retiring from baseball?

Tim Wakefield: Well, Chad, I guess I miss going to the ballpark every day.

Chad Finn: Ah yes, ballparks. In humanity there exists a vestigial memory of an enclosed green space as a place of freedom or play.

Tim Wakefield: [ confused ] Yeah. I guess.

Chad Finn: Excellent. Competing with Timmy today is skillful practitioner of the managerial arts – from the Twins, Ron Gardenhire. Salutations, Ron.

Ron Gardenhire [ slaps his stomach ] Good to see you, Chad. I’m ready to play!

Chad Finn: Well, the manager’s role is one of both hector and helper, naysayer and nexus. Around his circumference lies the full measure of the game.

Ron Gardenhire I.. uh.. well, I’m ready to play!

Chad Finn: Very well. Let us engage the sports machine. Gentlemen, as always, the questions will focus exclusively on baseball, the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose. All right, hands on buzzers. [ he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that Chad reads ] “The precarious balance between infield and outfield suggests a perfect symmetry. For $500, identify the effect of that symmetry.”

[ the contestants stare cluelessly, as the buzzer sounds ]

Chad Finn: Sorry. The answer is: “The exhilarating tension between being and becoming.” Being and becoming. Next question: [ hits several buttons, dispensing another card ] “In 1954, Willie Mays, in an emphatic stroke of Byzantine whimsy, made his over-the-shoulder catch off of Vic Wertz. What was it not unlike?” [ no answers ] Take it? Anyone?

Tim Wakefield: The.. uh.. that catch by Brunansky.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Chad Finn: Sorry. “It was not unlike watching Atlantis rise again from the sea, the bones of its kings new-covered with flesh.” [ audience members stare blankly in awe ] Well, gentlemen, no score as of yet, but the night is young. Perhaps what you gentlemen need is a little incentive, so here to tell you about today’s prizes is our own Peter Abraham.

Peter Abraham: Thank you, Chad. Thank you. Today’s winner will receive a box set of Springsteen’s entire musical catalog! Plus every album and concert review of The Boss from the Boston Globe silkscreened onto a lovely quilt handmade in Maine!

Chad Finn: Bruce must be so proud.

Peter Abraham: Oh, I’m sure he is.

Chad Finn: We’ll continue this spirited discussion later. As for now, it’s time we moved on to the Big Board. And the categories are: “Baseball as Narrative”, “Aristotle and Comiskey”, “Doris Kearns Goodwin”, “Left Field: Myth or Monopeia?”, “Pitch Patch Potch”, “Comstock and Bostock”, and “Pot Luck”. Tim, choose a category.

Tim Wakefield: [ contemplating ] Uh.. “Pot Luck”.

Chad Finn: Very well. [ $1000 card under category is removed, revealing question ] “Like freedom, baseball is that stake where energy and order merge, and all complexity is purified into a simple coherence.” Piffle, or not piffle?

Tim Wakefield: Uh.. piffle.

[ bell sounds ]

Chad Finn: That is correct, it’s absolute piffle. It’s baseball’s complexity, not its purity, that instills in us our freedom, and you have $1000.

Ron Gardenhire: Hey, wait a minute! What’s this piffle crap? What kind of question is that?

Chad Finn: I’m sorry, Ron, but this is not a forum here for debating the merits..

Ron Gardenhire: Oh, no, no, this isn’t a joke. I’m playing for a bunch of Jimmy Fund kids, you’re making me look like a chump!

Tim Wakefield: I feel kind of stupid too!

Chad Finn: Everything in good time, gentlemen. We certainly need to..

Ron Gardenhire: Let me ask you something: you ever play baseball?

Chad Finn: If, by play, you mean drink deep the aura of the game, then..

Ron Gardenhire: No no, I mean play the game.. in the field.. in the field. Here. [takes out a baseball and throws it to Chad ] Throw this ball.

Chad Finn: I’m sorry, Mr. Gardenhire, but my duties as quizmaster compel me to move the game along.

Peter Abraham: Throw the ball, Chad! Throw the ball.

Chad Finn: Shut up, PeteAbe! Now then, next question. Tim, you have control of the board..

Tim Wakefield: Throw the ball! Come on, throw the ball!

Ron Gardenhire: Throw the ball! Throw the ball!

[ audience joins in chants of “Throw the ball!”, as Chad, confusedly, tries to think of what to do. Overcome by the crowd, he releases the ball weakly, landing only a few feet in front of him. Everyone laughs, and Chad, embarrassed, breaks into a slow run and leaves the studio. ]

Peter Abraham: [ pointing ] He’s getting away!

[ Ron Gardenhire and Tim Wakefield chase Chad, leaving the Studio and running into the hallway. Superimposed title and music plays. ]

Peter Abraham Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Chad Finn’s Sports Machine” this week. Good night.

Chad Finn: [distantly] Football barbarians!
[ fade out ]

(hat tip to the original Saturday Night Live ‘George F. Will’s Sports Machine’ writers.)


More Boston Sports Radio Sneak Previews!

Old Friend and BJBSJ Contributor Callahardfoul has another batch of proposed and/or upcoming Boston Sports Radio programs from his mooooles at both stations. (Unless there’s a, er, format change at a station to remain nameless.) So without further ado:

If you thought radio was good now, you’ll LOVE some of the new shows on the horizon:

The Coin Flip Hour – Danny “Opposite Day” Lifshatz is hitting you with winners and losers at a rate that would make Teddy Ballgame in ’47 or whatever year blush. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and your heart will absolutely burst over your money siding with Insider Danny. As an extra bonus, you get access to all the coolest rumors and predictions immediately after they happen. State of the art stuff.

Huntin’ Rabbits – Nobody is safe when Matty Framingham and Celtics legend Bob Cousy lend their dulcet tones to letting you know the real score. Every loser is exposed on this program, including the November 2018 Patriots and the ’69 Celtics.

Manny and Jack – Former (*cough cough*) slugger Manny Ramirez and his traveling octogenarian buddy Jack really go inside baseball to tell the tales way behind the walls of the locker room. If Jack is dead it’ll just be Manny.

Order Up – There’s a lady in the house. One of New England’s most vocal dining and sports aficionados explores the tender gender’s take on the Boston Sports teams, as well as light and sometimes heavy BDSM on her “sub” pal Jerry. This one is rated M for mature as Jerry is subjected to some serious torture, including the lady’s Duck L’Orange and audio of his stand up audience.

John Dennis – At this point we just need to see if anyone can be worse than Dale and Keefe.

Donruss and Marconi’s – Chad Finn taking your calls on all things Boston Sports Media, from what Felger said, to what he could have said that would be even smarter. You like being regaled with stories about how decent the men are of Felger and Mazz are when they AREN’T wishing death upon their callers? Also, a daily reading of Beckett Monthly alphabetically.

The End is Near – Boston legends Jackie the Cock and Bobby Snickertooth forecast the losses in the Patriots schedule for the next 4 years. Special guest Pete King thinks out loud about the most surprising games on the schedule, including six (6???) games against the AFC East in 2021.

Kendrick Perkins self titled berating Weird Celtics Twitter hour – If you say Smarf in 2019 he finds you.

You can follow @CallaHF on Twitter. Or maybe MySpace.