Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/17

Foliage Drive SZN.

Near as I can tell, the Bruins are on a pace to go (adding machine clacking noises) 80-1-1. My math could be off.

That was quite the Lambeau Screw Job on Monday Night.

So splashing red paint on Columbus statuary; is that some kind of Ohio State thing?

I had never heard of an NBA two-way contract until about a week ago.

I think if the Patriots had ever had a player named Demaryius I would have remembered that.

Nice work, Washington Nationals. Will you vote Youppi! a playoff share?

I give Trump’s handling of the Turkish situation Four Gobbles.

Can you minor in Interpreting Body Language at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting?

Globies trying to make ‘Fort Foxborough’ a thing is so fetch.

I remember exactly where I was on Balloon Boy Day. #NeverForget

No pressure Houston, but you could make 25 million Yankees fans all sad.

Cakes are cooking for George Wendt, Ziggy Marley, and Mae Jemison.

The Ewing Theory, is that about J R., or Bobby?

I mean, I remember an Adalius Thomas being a short-time Patriot.

Pasta may be a Better Kid this season.

Celtics being 4-0 in the preseason? Sure, why not?

I really wish there were a great nature photograph of a fox startling a marmot. Ah well. Someday.

Young Hocules and his crew is will be calling the Pats/Planes MNF? Yikes.

Know this: Valuencing ain’t easy.

Schefty should not try to do anything more athletic than speak on two cell phones at the same time.

Brach’s maple candy corn? Blech.

I enjoy modulating amplitude, Craig; I really do.

So, what you’re saying is, that The Champ *IS* Here? Gotcha. Thx.

Today, a German Shepherd dog, while still carrying a 5 foot long downed branch in its mouth, barked repeatedly at me. Takes talent.

Coming in 2020 to the CW: Twitter Doctor.

Honk if you remember Waquoit.

Is there a Peter King’s Fairness Bowl Curse? I’m just asking the question!

You take Nanci, for me Loretta’s fine.

Tomorrow would be a great day to announce we’re raising prices here at BJBSJ. You know, if we charged for anything.

Ah, October baseball. To quote Peter Gammons, “Isheyyr uehdhuc3 hehdhxhd! ueidie.”

Best bet for the weekend: what else but The Head of the Charles Regatta? Finally!


Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/9

A nice Sunday to go apple picking, yes? Maybe.

Waiting for the Boston Globe to congratulate the Red Sox for their efforts in fighting childhood obesity by reducing the number of ‘kids eat free’ promotions at the Ninety Nine after wins this season, as compared to last.

Bobos think the Patriots can paper over their offensive shortcomings in time for tomorrow night’s game. Honks won’t admit the team has problems on offense.

Is ‘Halak and Alas’ the Bruins backup netminder answer to the ‘Boo Hoo Tuukka Crew’ dumb phrase at 98.5? If not, they are welcome to it.

The way I see it, this NBA/China crisis is a case of danger plus opportunity.

Kudos to the Minnesota Twins on a job…done.

The Connecticut Sun could win the WNBA Finals Thursday. Or Washington Mystics head coach Mike Thibault could win his elusive first title.

Dan Fouts has a walking case of CTE: Can’t Talk Enough.

Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see. Believe me.

Which NL teams have the momentum? Hard to say.

I bet the worst thing about being the Postmaster General is the rare times when you have to disapprove a mailbox design.

Being tasked as bullpen catcher with keeping Derek Lowe out of the NU dorms prematurely aged poor ousted Red Sox pitching coach Dana LeVangie. Here’s hoping his new assignment is less stressful.

With his poor handshake etiquette one might think Baker Mayfield was from Natick!

UMass Football is saving it’s point scoring for the critical Homecoming Game versus UConn. Probably.

Cakes are cooking for Robert Wuhl, Mike Singletary, and Henrik Zetterberg.

The only mafia that doesn’t deny its own existence is Bills Mafia.

The makeshift table unhurriedly collapsing atop that hopefully not dead Bills Mafioso’s prone form in that viral Nashville tailgate video was like something from a Chuck Jones Roadrunner cartoon.

I hope Greg Bedard can bring closure to the Mike Loyko investigation before he inevitably shutters his site.

In the time it took you to read this far, Delaware North has stuffed another 56 seats into the TD Garden.

Good thing that young lady on the Twitter wasn’t able to cancel Kevin Youkilis.

That iPhone commercial where that toddler trips in the crosswalk nearly in front of a bus is upsetting.

I respect the hell out of the undefeated 1969 Medfield HS football team.

If there’s one thing in my life that’s missing, it’s the time that I spend alone sailing on the cool and bright clear water.

Tacko Fall needs a nickname. I am going to call him ‘The Big Chalupa.” Feel free to do so as well.

Bob Costas would’ve made a great barista had he not gone into broadcasting.

Brief movie review: Ad Astra? More like Sad Dadstra.

The Vanity Fair article about Bob Kraft’s visits to the Orchids of Asia day spa makes him look even more like a needy rube, if you can believe that.

Vaya con fetti, Rip Taylor.

You did not hear this from me, but word on the street is that Nick has Premium.

Honk if you remember zany zappers.

This just in: Mike Lynch is still retired from Channel 5, and Rob Gronkowski is still retired from professional football.

It just follows that there had to have been a single A battery at one time, yes?

So as I’m entering the rest room at the local TJ Maxx, I nearly bump into a guy combing his hair and I’m all like “hey, watch what you’re doing Edd ‘Kookie’ Byrnes!” and he deftly replies “that’s a terribly out-of-date cultural reference.” and I had no choice but to ruefully agree with him.

Did their bye week arrive at the right time for .500 Boston College?

Best bet for the weekend: tourists in the North End for the Columbus Day Holiday.


Larry Johnson Has the Hiccups

Don’t you find Larry’s life fascinating?

Excerpts from the unpublished manuscript by Ms. Beatrice Kerr, which to date has been rejected for publication by; Esquire Magazine, LIFE, Sport, The Boston Phoenix, The Atlantic, Reader’s Digest, The Boston Globe Magazine, TALKERS Magazine, The Improper Bostonian, The Christian Science Monitor, Playboy, Vibe, The Lawrence Eagle Tribune, Art Monthly, Boston Magazine, The Wellsley Townsman, Yankee Magazine, Jet, digboston, Street & Smith’s Pro Football Draft Preview, EXPO Magazine, The Somerville Times, Radio Ink, Southwest: The Magazine, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Parrot World.

18 April 2008 – 11:39 AM
Larry Johnson is excited. It’s a big sports time in Boston. All the local teams are active. The Celtics are about to start the playoffs. The Red Sox are off to a decent start and will always be the number one story. The Bruins are in the playoffs and winning. Even though Larry is enjoying the Bruins, he misses the old NHL and the fighting. No, really. Larry’s just being honest. He could lie and say he likes the finesse game, but that wouldn’t be Christian. So he admits that he enjoys seeing God’s creatures beating the bejesus out of one another. Except Larry pronounces that “be-hay-soos” because he doesn’t like to take the Lord’s name in vain. That’s a sure ticket to eternal damnation where Larry has heard the buffet is a big disappointment.

And the NFL Draft is coming up. Larry likes to think of himself as a bit of a self-styled NFL draftnik. He doesn’t really care much for college football (except for BC, where Jon Meterparel does a great job) and doesn’t really know any of the players but he finds the discussion fascinating and what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with having a diversion from the vicissitudes of life? A welcome respite from things like plagiarism, lack of self respect and annoyingly persistent weight gain. Larry’s partner, Craig Mustard, doesn’t like the draft and tells Larry not to talk about it. Even though Craig and Larry kid around a lot on the air, Larry thinks Craig is a great guy and he does a great job. Just as all the guys at the station do. And the callers too. Great guys.

And the Boston Marathon is coming up. Larry’s hoping he gets the call to sit in on one of Monday’s shows. He has a hilarious riff on running that he uses every year that really breaks the guys up. “I can’t even drive 26 miles!!” and “hey, Pete, are you sweaty from running the Marathon or walking up the stairs??” and “I run to Shaw’s every weekend!!” and “I have congenital heart failure. Please help me. Guys, I’m serious.” He has a lot of fun with it and the guys at the station really seem to enjoy Larry’s humor. It’s a great place to work.

16 May 2008 – 4:32 PM
Larry Johnson is torn. It’s the Friday before his Saturday morning radio show at WEEI. It’s a great place to work with a great bunch of guys. He and Craig Mustard argue a lot on the air, but it’s all in good fun. Larry prays for Craig, just as he does all of the guys at the station. Craig’s a great guy. He’s settled down and become a family man and Larry couldn’t be happier. Despite the fact that Craig once refused to donate his kidney to Larry when Larry lay near death even though Craig was a perfect match, Larry still thinks Craig is a great guy and he long ago put that ugly business behind him.

The reason Larry is torn about tomorrow’s show is that he doesn’t know how he will handle one of the hot button issues of the Boston sports week. He knows fans will want to talk about the Herald and John Tomase. Larry knows that fans will want to engage in personal attacks on John, who Larry thinks does a great job. Just as all the guys at the Herald do. Larry secretly hopes that the Celtics clinch their series tonight so he can talk about positive things. That’s what Larry likes to do. He thinks there’s far too much negativity in this town. He loves that Rick Pitino quote. He liked Pitino’s press conferences. He likes all press conferences. He finds it fascinating when the media questions people with microphones and cameras around. There’s always the possibility that someone will say something fascinating.

Larry likes to put a lot of issues on the table for the Saturday show. Craig jokes that Larry should be used to a full table. Larry laughs and then sometimes chokes because of his congestive heart failure, which is not funny but the pictures of his heart the doctor showed him are fascinating.

Larry hopes John Tomase can find spiritual guidance to carry him through these dark times. Larry likes to act as a sort of shepherd to his fellow man. But not like Pete Sheppard. That’s one of Larry’s favorite lines and he laughs a lot after it, sometimes without passing out.

In fact, Larry decides he’s going to call John after the show and offer to take him over to Lively Stones church. Not for a sermon, but for some fun. There are a great bunch of guys there who get together in the spirit of fellowship, faith and trans fats. He thinks John will fit right in. John’s a great guy and Larry would like to introduce him to Jesus, the greatest of great guys.

06 Jun 2008 – 2:10 PM
Larry Johnson is depressed. It’s the day before his regular Saturday shift at WEEI with his old partner, Craig Mustard. Craig’s a great guy and a great high school teacher in an exclusive Boston suburb. Larry’s not a teacher but he spends his days drawing Glenn Ordway. The guys at the station have a lot of respect for Larry’s art. They kid him about the fact that he traces everything, but Larry just laughs and winces to hide the pain when they’re not looking. The fact that his life’s work has become a punchline makes Larry sometimes wish he’d followed his first calling: to be an aviator. Sometimes he still pretends he’s a pilot while he’s sitting on the toilet. But his large frame, flat feet, nearsightedness, high blood pressure, uncontrollable sweating, explosive flatulence, high glucose levels, webbed toes, compressed vertebrae, trouble swallowing, vertigo, respiratory problems and irritable bowel syndrome left him just shy of the physical requirements. So he put down his wings and picked up a pencil.

Larry likes who he is and he knows that the other guys at the station like him too. They call him “LJ”, which Larry knows is not a name you would call someone that you did not like. Sometimes Larry likes to drive over to the station just to be around the guys, even if he isn’t working. He sits on the other side of the glass with headphones on and watches Glenn and the guys work their magic. He mouths what he would say if he was on the air. He touches his hand to the glass. His heart flutters but not in a way that he recognizes he needs to hit his Medic Alert button. He sketches another cartoon of Glenn. This time he gives him purple pants. That’s a good one. Glenn will like that. He thinks about how much he wants to be a regular on the station. It hurts sometimes, but then the free food arrives. Larry is right where he wants to be.

02 Sept 2008 – 3:07 PM
Larry Johnson is frightened. When Jason Wolfe asked to meet with him several days ago at TGI Friday’s, Larry figured something was up. He knew that heavenly appetizers and reasonably priced, cheese-covered entrees might not be the only thing on the menu. Before they could get through the third bucket of boneless wings, Wolfe got right to the point. He was relieving Larry and Craig Mustard of their weekend hosting duties. Larry tried to make a joke about the Red Sox and their relievers, and then about Pete relieving himself in the studio, but Wolfe sat stone faced across the family-sized vinyl booth, leaning back in his booster seat and folding his arms. Suddenly, the fancy lighting and welcoming décor that Larry always loved about the Friday’s chain started to spin. Larry felt his heart running faster than normal, his head growing light and his torso starting to sweat. And he hadn’t been near a flight of three stairs in weeks. Larry’s mind raced as he thought about how he might illustrate this moment. How can one trace the death of a dream? Just before he passed out, he saw a Rolling Stone tongue logo on the wall. He never knew Friday’s to be so edgy. And for the 12th time that day, Larry Johnson lost consciousness.

Larry awoke to find all the guys from the station standing over him. He was in the hospital. It turns out the boneless wings…weren’t. No one from the station had ever come to visit him before during his 372 recent stays. He was overcome with emotion. What a great bunch of guys! Who wouldn’t want Chronic Obstructed Pulmonary Disorder if it means the guys are going to come see you?

After that, how could he hold a grudge about getting fired? Just because a short man and great guy named Wolfe has taken away his only connection to humans, his access card to all the great guys at the station and free food, his purpose in life…why should he be upset? God only gives us as much as we can handle, a proverb Larry put to the test repeatedly at the Old Country Buffet. They do a great job over there. Really. Who would have thought you could put cheese right in the meatloaf? Not Larry. But they do. And it’s great.

Later that night, as he lay awake in his hospital bed, the ventilator working overtime hooked up to an auxiliary industrial strength turbine engine, Larry looked out at the night sky. And then it came to him…satellite radio! He picked up the hospital phone and quickly called Craig, who asked how he got his home number. Craig was always kidding. Larry told him about his idea. Craig said “Sirius?” Larry replied, “I’ve nevah been more serious in my whole life!” And the dream was born anew.

We at The Journal are glad to provide an outlet for Ms. Kerr, and hope she can find a publisher due to this publicity. She is welcome to publish other works, if any, here as well. @firegoodell3


Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 10/2

Do you see a duck? Or do you see a bunny rabbit? Did Jonathan Jones hit Josh Allen in a helmet-to-helmet collision, or did Allen run into Jones?

Baseball; It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall all alone. Kind of a dick move, when you think about it.

Yes, this was shamelessly lifted from the BSMW Message Board. I expect to see a ‘Hi, Scartsy!’ post on future Wednesdays like when Dale Arnold would poach a post without attribution back in the day.

And way to go WEEI, that nobody on the Morning Show at a nominal sports talk station recognized the above excerpted Bart Giamatti poem recited by Joe Castiglione at the Red Sox season drew to a close. Good job. Good effort.

Brady goes a game without a TD; cliff talk. Mahomes goes a game without a TD; hey, the back-to-back MVP train is still on track! Everything is awesome!

I bet Sean McDonough can do a terrific Don Orsillo impression.

If this season goes badly for Kyrie in Brooklyn and he doesn’t have anymore of his own to blame things on, I bet Manny Ramirez still has some available grandparents he can borrow.

Pats fans on the Jones/Allen collision: Riveron. The Bills and thirty other fanbases: Rashomon.

Good for you Pete Alfonso, or whatever your name is, wresting the single season rookie home run record away from circus freak Aaron Judge. Kudos.

Matthew Slater is on a pace to score 4 touchdowns this season.

American Ryder Cup Captain Steve Stricker has some hard decisions to make.

Cakes are cooking for Glenn Anderson, Kelly Ripa, and Paul Teutel, Jr..

News Item: Vendor charges customer $724 for two beers at Hard Rock Stadium. If the Red Sox did that at Fenway they could cover the luxury tax money for 2020.

Area Quarterback admits to having mixed emotions after playing poorly during a game his team won anyway.

Go! Go U! Go U-Mass! Go UMass!! Nice W over the Zips.

RT if you are more exited about the upcoming Celtics season, Like if you are more excited for the Bruins.

Joe Maddon with have to be brilliant and engagingly quirky as a private citizen for at least a few weeks.

AB pretty much ruined any chances of Rock and Roll, Part 2 returning to the Gillette Stadium playlist.

Don’t you think I’d use the charger that came with my phone if I had it, slow charging notification?

Candy Corn SZN is well upon us now.

You could say Dana Jacobson is now the Re-Mrs. Sean Grande! But you shouldn’t.

Oh, and congrats to the happy couple who got married at halftime of the Bills game. Will be the only exchange of rings in that area for quite some time.

Nice to see Bills Legend Jim Kelly at that midfield wedding. Always a bridesmaid.

Aloha means goodbye, Vontaze Burfict. Aloha.

Is Major League Baseball bringing the old non-juiced baseball back for the Postseason? Asking for a friend.

Dan Fouts is right now shouting at a Tom Brady Under Armour commercial begging for an intentional grounding call.

Attention, Sela Ward has been replaced by Alana de la Garza on Dick Wolf’s FBI TV series. Please make a note of it.

It bears repeating: Bob Kraft is running out of time to plead guilty before his case gets dismissed.

And speaking of court cases, has Jonathan Jones been added to the Erie County Court trial calendar?

That Shiri Spear is a bit of alright.

People always talk about a ‘Boston Sports Mount Rushmore’, but never where to construct it; the Blue Hills? An old quarry in Quincy? Let’s figure it out, people!

What breed of dog was Benji anyways?

Honk if you remember Pickwick Ale.

I’m catching up on the Entitled Town podcast, and I hate to say it, but L’il Jerry Thornton really doesn’t have a leg to stand on criticizing Dan Shaugnessy for making money on his made-up Curse of the Bambino book when he’s selling the incorrect notion that the Patriots were a “laughingstock franchise” prior to the 1993 season in one of his books.

First Kirk, now Lucy? What’s in the water over at WEEI?!

I like the NFL Fan Therapy YouTube videos. There; I said it.

The previously snakebit Nationals winning an elimination game proves that You Can’t Script October.

Best bet for the weekend: Bears over Raiders at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Pip-pip Cheerio and all that.


Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 9/25

Sure. Ok. Whatever. But Fall doesn’t begin until Bills fans ‘fall’ through tables.

It’s almost like the Dana Jacobson “staredown” nontroversy was an excuse for media to take a figurative swing at Coach Bill.

And yes, those are “sneer quotes” above.

But hey, congrats to Dana on her impending nuptials to Sean Grande. IDK about letting him write his own vows, though.

And don’t let Wyc run through the reception with a flag. It’s been done.

Get well soon Mookie. Gonna need you here healthy for the 2020 MLB Season. What?

A lot of people think ‘AB’ stands for Assault Brown, when it actually stands for Armalite Brown. You’re welcome.

Three meatheads shouting ‘doneski’ for 4 hours. That’s a show!

These Cumberland Farms coffee stirrers don’t work very well. At all.

This just in; Lou Merloni believes Theo Epstein to be ‘overrated’. This also just in; no one has ever considered Lou Merloni to be overrated.

We need that pretend NY tough guy, name-changing weirdo blowhard to release the full phone transcripts. We need to know what Parcells was saying on the WATS line back in January 1997. What; who did you think I was talking about?

David Krejci has a reported lower body injury? That could be serious, the lower body is approximately 50% of a player’s total body.

Tom Brady has never won the AFC Special Teams Player of the Week, either.

82-80 here we come? T & P to Carrabas.

Has Mittens Volin been sending unanswered dick pics to QB/QT Jacoby Brissett? We’re just asking the question, reader.

Offered without comment: Kyrie Irving took an elbow to the face Tuesday during a morning pickup game.

Do people remember how for a time after the introduction of the designated hitter but before interleague play there were baseball players who were seen as more AL type players than NL type players? Well Steve Buckley is a BSJ writer working for The Athletic.

Wicked excited to finally get my Minihane Show Inside References Decoder Ring in the mail in four to six weeks!

Losing at home to BC is no way to get back on Belichick’s radar, Rutgers.

Cakes are cooking for Jimmy Sturr, Scottie Pippin and Brigette Wilson-Sampras.

Also there’s leftover cake in the break room from the September 18th birthdays of Rick Pitino, Lance Armstrong, and Xzibit.

Yeah, I have no idea why the last Junk Drawer column came out on a Tuesday. Such that it was, The Journal and I regret the error.

We fought two wars for the linguistic right not to call Rotaries, “roundabouts”. For shame, Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Also, it’s not bad form to use your blinker to signal you intent of where you a exiting a rotary.

All I can hear in my head while seeing endless Bluff City Law promos is the late Ron Silver intoning ,”Her Father, is a Memphis attorney!

I like the idea that Bill the GM snuck Antonio Brown into Foxboro without Kraft’s knowledge, like hiding people in the trunk when you went to the Drive-In.

I can’t find Cat Detective on my CBS Fall Schedule anywhere. Is it a midseason replacement?

‘Hunter Biden’ sounds like an SEC quarterback name.

I’m going to make a confession; I have no idea whether the WNBA Mystics play in Washington State, or the District of Columbia. But great work making the Finals again, ladies.

Honk if you remember mimeographs.

I want some hyperlocal jokes about the Orange Line from Fitzy. And I probably want them right away.

Dachshund. A dog, and a shibboleth.

I wish someone would let me know how many injured NFL players per team are eligible to return from the IR.

The Head of the Charles Regatta can’t get here soon enough for my tastes.

Best bet for the weekend: the singing of “The Folding Table Repairman’s Hymn” in the Greater Buffalo Area.


Happy Mo Lewis Day!

Not all heroes wear capes.

The Day Drew Almost Died

(Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s “American Pie.”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember how that QB used to make me smile.
And I thought if he had the chance,
That he could make Krafty Bob dance,
And maybe we’d be happy for a while.

But Parcells leaving made me shiver,
And Pete Carroll could not deliver.
Good news on the doorsteps;
Tom Brady would soon get more reps.

I can’t remember if I cheered,
When I read that his artery was sheared,
But I sure know that Coach Bill lied,
The day Drew almost died.

So bye bye cerebral statue guy.
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Does Drew even read his Book of Plays?
Then why’d he just pass it to the Tampa Bays,
If the Coach didn’t tell him so?
You don’t believe in gaining yards,
You can’t be saved by Parcells and Cafar…do.
And can you teach me how to move real slow?

Well, I know the media’s in love with him,
‘cause I saw one slurpin’ on his Jim,
He got down on his knees,
Man, I dig that dig-nity.

I was a lonely Globie in Foxboro,
With a speed-dial line to Tom Donohoe.
But I knew I had nowhere left to go,
The day Drew almost died.

I started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Now for five years we been on our own,
Zeffross Moss grows fat, and we’ve had Michael Stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the Statue took a nut crushing sack,
With skills he borrowed from Mike Tomczak,
And footwork that made him look, like a tree.

Oh, and while the Statue was on the turf,
Tommy led the Patriots rebirth.
The Drew era was adjourned,
No more picks would be returned,
And while Borges ripped the coach for Starks,
The QB moved to Orchard Park,
And we raised banners in the dark,
The day Bledsoe almost died…

We were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Tall, strong slinger with a broken finger,
Passes not complete but they sure were zingers.
Six and two but falling fast.
Drew often ended up on the grass,
Whenever he tried for a forward pass.
With the jokes in the press box giving Coach such sass.

Now Mo Lewis’ hit was sweet perfume,
As the stench of Bledsoe’s failures loomed,
We all got up to dance,
As the new guy got a chance.
Oh, as Brady played with nerves of steel,
The Statue’s limits were soon revealed.
Six Banners now hang above the field,
Where Drew, he nearly died.

We started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

And there we were down in Foxboro,
A QB lookin’ oh so slow,
With another I-N-Teeeeeee.
Drew be nimble, Drew be sacked,
Mo nearly broke poor Drew’s back,
But he played with dignity-y-y.

Oh, and as I watched him dive off the stage,
Tameeka’s disks cost 1.2 mil to assuage.
Max Lane could not repel,
Made Reggie White fast as a gazelle.
And as the blames piled high into the night,
Couldn’t be Drew, he was alright,
I saw Borges laughing with delight,
The day Drew almost died.

He was singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

I met a man who sang the blues,
And I asked him for some happy news,
But he just smiled and turned away.
I looked up that great box score,
Of the Minnesota game some years before,
But even then some said that Bledsoe couldn’t play.

And ar the Globe: the writers screamed,
Nutscrubbers cried, and Ron Borges schemed.
But not a word was spoken;
The AP feed was broken.
And the three men I admire true;
The Tuna, Don King and Cerebral Drew,
They caught the last train for Montana, too.
The day the Drew almost died.

And they were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

They were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Copyright 2007, Lyrics by Kevin, InThisTown, BOSsportsfan34, Smilin’ Joe Hesketh, Miserable Fellow, Marty Nopointe, Joe Dokes, UncleGizmo, and Ironhead.


Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 9/17

That was the year everything changed, you know.

So Yaz’s grandson (and the rest of his team) is coming to Fenway Park? Are tickets still available?

BC football faces another test against Rutgers, who are thus far unbeaten at home.

Sad to hear of Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Ric Ocasek’s passing. He did Boston proud.

Is Derek Jeter now the GM of the Miami Dolphins?

I hope Brian Flores understood it was nothing personal, just a full 60 minutes of business.

Glad to see Brando Carlo will remain a Bruin for at least the next two years.

I saw a cloud shaped like an ottoman during Steve McNair’s jersey number retirement ceremony.

So I’m watching that Top 100 NFL Plays show, and Kobe Bryant is an Eagles fan? That makes sense.

Let’s don’t downplay Isaiah Wynn’s turf toe, that is nothing to be trifled with.

I can’t find Joe Biden: Teenaged Lifeguard anywhere on the new fall TV schedule.

Cris Collinsworth really, really likes saying Jim Schwartz’s name.

It must be terribly frustrating for David Ortiz not to know why he was shot. I hope his investigators get to the bottom of things.

I think my favorite Team X was the San Diego Chargers that one, or possible two times.

Cakes are cooking for Maurice Hurst, Jimmie Johnson, and Alexander Ovechkin.

This business of calling long easy passes ”dimes”, like assists in the NBA? I don’t like it and will write my congressmen about stopping it.

Jets and Dolphins not helping to disprove ‘The AFC East is terrible!’ storyline so far this season.

Grand Theft Klemko’s SI piece could potentially blow the doors off the heretofore hidden culture of entitled, semi-psychotic professional athletes!

Despite my best efforts, gruse keeps bringing me down.

I’m not almost a coach, but trading away depth seems like a bad idea. Or possibly a contrived hot take. Shrug.

I don’t care that they’re on different networks and made by different production companies; I want a Bluff City Law/Stumptown crossover event in 2020.

Not sure if there is documentation to back me up, but it feels like the Red Sox games ran particularly long this season.

Honk if you remember Whalom Park.

The NY tabloids must be workshopping ‘Falk’ back page headlines right this very minute.

Get well soon, all you injured NFL quarterbacks.

Best bet for the weekend: big crowds for the Sugar Ray concert at the Big E.


Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer: Emergency All-AB Edition

Stuff heard around the water cooler.

compiled by the BJBSJ interns.

I question the timing.

NB: This could be hopelessly out of date by the time of publication.

And also: The official BJBSJ position is that sexual assault is bad.

Whatever happens, this is going to be one hell of an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Ripped from the headlines!

I’m guessing Antonio didn’t major in English at Central Michigan. Maybe Creative Writing?

And on-subject; those incoherent messages must make English teachers long for that ‘We Ready. We Ready. We Ready, For Y’all’ NFL promo song.

Why are no wokeness points being awarded for ostensibly irredeemably raaaaacist Boston sports fans closing ranks around AB? Intersectionality is hard.

Ew, I just called him ‘AB.’ I need a shower. Kind of like the trainer lady! (rimshot)

If Brown *did* stay at Tom’s house, he probably had to sleep on the couch brother-in-law Youk sweated through last visit.

Clearly this case needs to be removed to fanboy Judge Berman’s court.

Let’s not lose sight of the real three time victim here: everyone who drafted Brown in their Fantasy Football Leagues.

And no, considering the team’s history with false accusations and being pilloried in the ‘court of public opinion’, it’s not hypocrisy for Patriots fans to give Brown the benefit of the doubt.

It’s dismaying how many long-time Patriots fans who joined Twitter in September 2019 have decided signing Antonio Brown is the final straw in their enjoyment of watching ‘their’ team.

At least NE fans can take comfort that all the other fans calling for AB to be suspended (or worse) are doing so exclusively because of a sincerely held legitimate concern that justice be done. What?

Yes, media guy, Bill was going to break with tradition and answer *your* question about Antonio Brown’s off-the-field activity prior to his becoming a Patriots player.

But man, for 17 hours or so, it was like January 2002 all over again.

I’m legit curious how the Minifans are going to connect this to Murchison.

OK, I’m going to say it; Pittsburgh needed an Easterby.

You have to wonder if Antonio Brown learned this allegedly disgusting behavior from T**mp. What other explanation is there?

Thanks for all the much needed updates as to Brown’s uniform number and locker placement.

A lot of ‘NE doesn’t have to have AB active to win in Miami! 77-0! Cakewalk!’ predictions going around for Sunday’s game. Makes me uneasy.

Did New England even *need* another 5’10” receiver?

It’s too bad former Patriots Dave Meggitt and Kellen Winslow II are unavailable for comment.

I’m starting to think this AB is an odd cat. How ’bout you?

Not so odd that he feels the need to add ‘Sr’, to his name on the back of his jersey, but still.

Well, if New England manages to win some games despite the distractions provided by Antonio Brown, the rest of the league will finally have no choice but to admit grudging respect for the team.


Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer 9/11

The only AB we should be thinking about on this day is Ace Bailey.

Rather polite of the weather to turn fall-like just at the start of football season.

I’m going to be honest, when tweets and emails started going out about ‘Dumbo’ being fired, I thought something happened to Andy Hart.

A quarterfinals elimination loss by Team USA to France in the FIBA World Cup? Sacre bleu!

You know what; I’m starting to think the baseballs are juiced this season. I am!

Kind of short-sighted by HOK Sport to have designed Gillette Stadium with so little planned space for championship banners.

Pa says winnin’ the AL East four years in a row is for showoffs.

If the Patriots defense insists on holding opponents to only 3 points a game..PTT!

Bruins set to report to Training Camp tomorrow. Stick tap to that.

Cakes are cooking for Mickey Hart, Leslie Visser, and Ludacris.

Woke Twitter can’t be happy the the Patriots decided to keep Gunner Arfifteenski, or whoever.

Are there two Doyle’s in JP? Because they can’t be closing the one I’m thinking of.

Bill O’ Brien is in his sixth season as HC of the HT? Whoa.

Using a gunshot victim as a human shield is a bad look, Red Sox.

Was that a 58 yard dink, or a 58 yard dunk from Brady on the TD pass to Dorsett? Asking for a friend.

That Bud Light king guy is a jerk. His kingdom needs a Cromwell. IMO.

And how about that college football game, eh? Wow!

My moles are telling me the last person finally got onto Route One from Lot P2 at Gillette.

Alls I’m saying is a lady GM for the Red Sox might be a direction to go, for reasons.

Burger King describing their Pretend Whopper or whatever as being made ‘from plants’ just sounds weird to my ears.

Vic Fangio must have thought he had the ‘New NFL head coach who’s name sounds like a mafia figure’ title sewn up, until Freddie Kitchens was hired two days later.

The new PGA Tour starts (checks notes) tomorrow? Can that be right?

This just in; Mike Lynch and Andrew Luck are still retired.

We know why 98.5 The Sports Hub Employees are bringing up 19-0 talk, and we don’t like it.

Dogs sure do seem to like roast beef. They really do.

Clay Buchholz will pitch against the Red Sox for the first time tomorrow. It’s enough to make one long for the time when the worst thing a local athlete could be accused of was stealing a mess of laptop computers.

A trade with the Jets? Now I’ve seen it all!

Honk if you remember Jim McCarthy on the Sports Huddle.

Best bet for this weekend: Brian Flores not getting his ‘Good For One Free Win Against Bill Belichick’ card punched, unlike Coach Matt and Coach Vrabes last season.


Welcome Back Students!

Welcome back to all the college and university students! And a particular welcome to out new crop of student interns, both in the Greater Boston area and elsewhere:

Liv M. Alberici – ’22 Northeastern University

Ericka Blair – ’21 Hillsdale College

Charlie Bogle – ’22 Boston University

Nathalie H. Bumppo – ’22 Wyoming State University

Zoila Castillo – ’22 Liberty University

Roscoe Conklin – ’22 Bob Jones University

Willis F.X. Coutu – ’21 Connecticut School of Broadcasting

Madison Anne Daudelin – ’22 University of Waterloo

Adam Dzodocz – ’22 Liberty University

Dana Enfield-Prescott – ’21 Boston College

Jocko D. Fergus – ’21 Grambling State University

Jonatha Firestone – ’22 Emerson College

Talbott Kibbe – ’22 Bob Jones University

Barrold Mudge – ’21 Bunker Hill Community College

Gilbert Q. Threepwood – ’22 Framingham State University

We hope to learn as much from you, as you do from us. Remember: Knowledge Is Good.