09/16/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Green Team Generals.

It’s like I always say; you have no margin for error when playing Game One of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Miami Heat at the NBA bubble in September.

Yawn. I like US Open tennis final matches that build up America.

Someone please tell Steve Roenicke that tanking teams are supposed to lose.

‘Cam Newton might have run for three touchdowns, if he had eaten a ham sandwich pregame.’ – Ben Volin, probably.

How are the spiders getting into the house?

I’ve made a slight change to the pronouns in my bio and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Terry Bradshaw shouldn’t buy any green bourbon whiskey. 

Cakes are cooking for Rosemary Casals, Lenny Clarke, Robin Yount, and Alexis Bledel.

Nat Weiner is a free agent. Hard to believe.

Might be too little too late Islanders.

Well, I for one though Dan McNeil was complementing Maria Taylor’s ‘fit!

Does Fitzy have another personal account where he tweets about all his Greek aunts and how they do funny dances at weddings and try to put stuffed grape leaves in every meal?

Personally, I watch every non-live-sports show on NESN.

Whomever it is … Andy Reid or Eric Bienemy, they have some great route concepts!

Suddenly, there is a real RB market. With Christian McCaffrey leading the way and Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook and Alvin Kamara more recently, the best backs in the NFL are getting paid.

Netflix should make a Cuties 2 starring Griffin Holt and Deuce Tatum.

Gunter glieben glauchen globen.

Always enjoy dweebs on the socials racing to be the first to say ‘don’t blame the refs’ right after the refs do something ghastly.

Sure TikTok is ChiCom spyware and is normalizing filming things in portrait mode, that’s probably why they’re advertising during NFL games. 

I’m already furious about the paltry return Boston is going to get trading away Tanner Houck.

Don’t google Payne Stewart.

With Halloween around the corner, a suggestion that a white sock, some ketchup, and a mask around your neck makes for both a timely and nostalgic costume.

That Skyrizi (Risankizumab-rzaa) song is catchy.

Knock-Knock. ‘Who’s there?’ Mason Sousa. ‘Mason Sousa who?’ EXACTLY.

Anytime you can throw your new superstar QB under the bus you have to do it. If that was one of Archie’s boys he did that to, Coach Kangol would already be fired.


So I check my second fantasy football team and the guy I’m playing, get this, he had Miles Sanders, you know, on the Eagles? in his starting lineup, and he was listed as ‘out’ due to a hamstring, and I was like, you gotta pay attention pregame injury announcements dude, and then I look at my third team, the one that was autodrafted, and wouldn’t you know it, Sanders was in MY starting lineup! I still somehow won that game. Classic.

Hello Fellow nepotists, the phrase That pays this Week is “Mike , Turn put the Lights the Tampa Party is over.”

Breer DIAF. How’s that for a hip nickname?

Timely Threes! Until they weren’t.

Do you qualify for your SAG card if you appear in a Fitzy ‘Shit Pats Fans Say’ video?

Slim-fit shirts. Is that aspirational, or just poor business to be selling those to America? Good luck.

Ted Johnson’s face is its own positive PED test.

Johnny Most’s kid should throw Ordway down the the stairs. Grandkid?

Kirk is so mad he’s gonna hold his breath until he dies and then Skip will be soooooo sorry!

Things are gettin’ clearer, yeah I feel free, to bare my skin, yeah that’s all me. Nothing and me, go hand in hand. Nothing on my skin; that’s my new plan. Nothing is everything.

Honk if you remember V66.

Who relived cloud-yeller emeritus Bob Ryan from the journalistic trenches so he could have a gay time watching Johnny Weir?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but Fentanyl is bad.

Never walk by the electric meter when the AC compressor and the washing machine are both running. Thing was spinning like a gyroscope.

Brie Larson is not driving that Nissan Sentra in a safe manner. She can forget Jake from State Farm, she will be lucky to have the General provide her an auto insurance policy.

Diagnosing football injuries while drinking Franzia on your couch isn’t being ‘in sports’. Sorrey!

Prime rib? Overrated.

Rest in peace, Jeannette Belichick.

Best bet for the weekend: a tied series.


material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesCoach, and #the15 were used in this column. Contents may settle during shipping.


09/09/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Less than ideal. Stay safe.

I hope the recorded sound guys at Gillette Stadium remember the crowd doesn’t ever get loud there.

Chelsea Handler may be a vacuous lush, but she wasn’t maneuvered into defending the easily disprovable ‘there are no Confederate flags in Maine! None whatsoever!’ position.

‘Don’t get cocky, Boston fans; remember Yogi’s law!’ Aw, stuff a sock in it, Bob.

You what the world needs right now? More NFL power rankings!

If it didn’t feel like a real season before, it surely doesn’t now that Andy Biceps wont be with us the rest of the way.

Get well soon, Ted Wayman.

Fitzy definitely put the maloika on the Celtics. Wait, is that Irish or Greek?

Cakes are cooking for Joe Theismann, Leslie Thompson, Adam Sandler, and Emma de Caunes.

Stick tap to the most explosive gender reveal party ever!

Now can they let Brady trademark ‘Tom Terrific’?

My official ranking are:

  • 1. Auerbach
  • 2. Wooden
  • 3. Burke

…but Doris is climbing!

When do they announce who the officials are going to be for the Celtics/Raptors Game Six?

Fred in and Blind Mike out. Meh.

You have two kickers when you have 2 kickers.

Robert. Gordon. Dalbec.

Did all the ticket scalpers get arrested? What happened to those guys?

Blehhh! Derek Rivers feel good story! Blehhhh!!

Maybe the Lightning is just really good at scoring goals.

If you aren’t suicidal, do you really deserve to be on any podcast?


Welcome to Phase 3 Step 1 Somerville. Where ya been?

It’s ‘corps’, you idiots.

Did John Dennis have Tommy John surgery on his liver? What’s taking so long?

Trees are full of wood, and water.

If you watch Pete Blackburn play video games on Twitch you let the terrorists win.

Kudos to Plain Black Hat for introducing Beantown to an obscure program named Cobra Kai.

Chin up, Midshipmen. The Penobscot Expedition was a worse defeat.

Hope Solo wasn’t elected into the National Soccer Hall of Fame? Outrageous! Also; we have a National Soccer Hall of Fame?

A girls’ weekend in NYC and nobody invited DJ Bean? Smh.

Congrats to Proud Boy Steve Robinson on being the most sane person associated with the Kirk Minihane Podcast. I guess.

Stoolgreenie. That’s it; that’s the joke.

Every night I come home exhausted from trying to get along. I need some sentimental hygiene. Everybody’s joining up to fight for the right to be wrong. I need some sentimental hygiene

Hey gang of ink-stained wretches, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Willie decked Clayborn.”

So EA Sports has added Kaep to Madden21? Why not add Zolak, too?

How dumb was the Harvard Extension College admittee? She though Lou Brock was the mascot for Slippery Rock University.

Honk if you remember League specific MLB umpires.

If you’re a New York Baseball Yankee fan trying to find the silver lining in these struggles, throw @MichaelParente a follow. Medicine for the soul.

There is nothing that gives you away as a poor more than asking for the WiFi password at a bar or restaurant.

Tawm picked Meghan as his new Quick Slants co-host. It’s like he didn’t even know Marisa is looking for work.

Von Miller couldn’t bribe the MRI man?

Picture this; a third sports radio station featuring headliners Upton Bell and Ted Sarandis. Make this happen.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but Arrested Development stinks!

Best bet for the weekend: Huge Pats fanz everywhere will yell Fire Belichick within the first two series.

This is just crazy enough to work.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Twitch, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. And Chiggsy.


2020 Labor Day Playlist

(New Songs Being Added All Weekend!)

Dear BJBSJ Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is a musical playlist for your Labor Day Weekend enjoyment. Click HERE to download. Songs to enjoy as you stay six feet apart and, because you’ve been so good with following the rules, you can listen in any order. Suggestions for additional tracks are welcomed.

It’s ovah.
  • Watermelon – Mezerg
  • I’ll Drop Tears For Ya – Cancel Culture Club
  • This is Mitch Moreland – Gabby Guthrie
  • Dick Move – Chico and the Baseball Boys
  • Snoop TKO – Teddy Suyourass
  • 25 or 6 to 4 – TC and the Final Scores
  • Shipping Up to Hymietown – The Droptears McNultys
  • Silly Summer Tourney – Saldo Nova
  • Seatwarmer – Steve Roenicke and the Marked Men
  • Wide Right – The 3 Percenters
  • Good Rockin Tonight – Commander Sarandis and His Retractable Dome Air Patrol
  • The Mins Are Alt Right – The Whom
  • Mama Said Knock You Out – Team Simone
  • In the Year 2020 – Zager and Absolutely No Evan’s
  • Eight and Eight Here We Come – TJM and the Technicolor All-Stars
  • Dave’s Not Herr – Jewel (acoustic)
  • Do You Know the Way to BJBSJ? – The Massachusetts State Police Marching Band
  • Franzia Energy – The Dear Wifeys
  • There Is Nothin’ Like A Dame – Cast of South Pacific
  • Never Learn Not To Love – The Beach Boys
  • Working (From Home) Man – Power Ceiling
  • Love Theme to Untitled Gary Tanguay Project – Burt Bacharach
  • Qwite Fwankly – Qwiet Wiot
  • Happy Worker Song – Shigeyoshi Wholesome Entertainment and Vending Concern Song Group
  • Jeepin’ N Weepin’ – Drivin N Cryin
  • A Spoonful of Sugar – OBF and the 3 Livers
  • There’s One Good Sunday For Apple Picking, And This One Just Ain’t It – The Postermen
  • The Last Belt Notch Blues – The Quarantine Fifteen
  • Josie (Is Not the Name of This Song) – W.A. Brown
  • Stuck Truck Blues – Norton Adams & The State Collegians (Live)
  • Bellingham to Boston – The Seven Dollar Meatballs
  • Summer Dollars – Amity High School Concert Band
  • We Will Follow You Into the Dark – Deathcab for Kirkie
  • The Boys of Summer –Tru C Royle
  • BHP – Brie2Brie (with Fun Uncle Carlos)
  • Bass Rocks – Willie Alexander
  • On Top of Spaghetti – Pasta & The Good Kids
  • Paddle Board (live w/ monologue) – Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
  • Family Emergency – Bubble Poppin’ Tuukkas
  • We Gefilte This City – Starrship
  • I Hope You Weren’t Driving Also – Regular Brian and the Granite State Finger-Wags
  • Sweater Girl Weather – Pneumatic Uzbeks
  • Shock Jock Talk – Royal Jen & The Planning Board
  • B-hole Pics – Asstec Camera
  • Killing Him Softly With My Picks/ Bill the GM
  • Cause I’m Black Y’all – Elle D
  • Summertime – UnderLemon: A Tribute to Badfish (with Splenda Rae)
  • (I May) Lie Down Again – The Dear Wifeys
  • Ratted and Shunned – Dave Brown and His Band of Renown
  • Night Scratching – R.E.M.D.A.W.G.
  • No Money No Problems – The Rabbi’s Daughter
  • It’s Designed to Break Your Heart – Lady BoSox and the Little Green Monsters
  • Storm Window SZN – The Hot Stovers

09/02/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

What in Hell is this? Is this one of those Disambiguation posts? Where’s Black Manta?

Incredible work by the NBA reporters and analysts on the air right now. Reacting in real time to a historic situation. Well done by all involved on what’s a difficult day.

Meh. Time to get ready for a real quest for the Stanley Cup in 2021 anyway.

Allow us a moment to provide a barely related anecdote so that we can insert ourselves into the death of someone famous.

Did Plain Black Hat Morning Zookeeper discover The Fours today? Honestly, I had no idea they had other locations. You learn something new everyday Danny. I’ll take a Brock Holt Pita Pocket please.

Maybe we haven’t been clear about this: Marisa Ingemi doesn’t have a job.

Have a little self-respect Nick Nurse, if that is your real name.

Cakes are cooking for Glen Sather, Steve Porcaro, Keanu Reeves, and Salma Hayek.

Will Fred Toucher appear on Intervention? The therapist could bring a giant WALLDICK head! Zoinks!

I say a linesman should have licked Maroon’s skate, see if he was in the crease. #pudding

Wow, Kirk Minihane really DESTROYED <insert Barstool b-list personality here> this week, didn’t he?

With Heath Hembree and Kevin Pillar being traded, the last tenuous, imaginary link to the 2004 Red Sox team is gone.

There’s nothing worse than misplacing your Montgomery Ward catalog. And right before the sales tax holiday! My new 28 inch Magnavox console TV will have to wait.

Twenty Years as an Intern: The JStew Story. Sad.

Logan Ryan bided his time, changed agents, and lands at a perfect place. His familiarity with #Giants coach Joe Judge helped. In the end, Ryan stays home and NYG gets a ton of veteran help.

Hey bruce Cassidy..the honeymoon is over for you pal

Doctor Shiva? That’s not a Senate candidate name. That’s a supervillain name.

Hey wokesters and wokistas! This week’s Phrase that Pays is “Adele’s Bantu knots highlight the fine line between cultural appropriation and appreciation.”

The Shea Concrete podcast is definitely in my top five precast concrete industry podcasts, maybe top three.

So Janet Wu is nuts, apparently. And allegedly.

Missed the story of Drag Race legend Chi Chi DeVayne’s death a couple weeks ago. A sad day for motorsports.

PLAYER X >>> Player To Be Named Later.

A cinnamon sugar rim? On an Oktoberfest? This is a question? C’mon bartendress. Be better.

Say what you will about OJ Simpson, but the man’s body language was above reproach. What?

Woman! Physically fit, Physically fit. Physically-Physically-Physically-Physically

That’s just Cushy being Cushy.

Marc(k) James, he clearly doesn’t know what unwanted attention is.

The Red Sox now need a new Jimmy Fund Captain… again.

Tuukka wouldn’t have stopped those freak deflections or seen those screened pucks, either, you dum-dums.

But why would Bonnie Bramlett lie about what Elvis Costello said?

Unblock me, Evan Lazar you coward!

Bill Simmons will always remember the late John Thompson threatening to kill then-UMass coach John Calapari, probably.

Honk if you remember The Fours.

I worry the spirit of Weird Celtics Twitter died a while ago.

Happy Luxury Tax Reset Day, Red Sox fans! Buy your commemorative t-shirts here! So good! So good! So good!

That Vanessa Welch is freckly.

Best bet for the weekend: poorly-made mint julips.

It’s funny because they let Mookie go for pennies on the dollar!

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Insta, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column.


life is fragile

Editor’s Note: This is a guest blog from BJBSJGab.


Stop mansplaining death to me. My grandmother died when I was 3 and Johny Pesky also died. I’ve been dropping tears for years.

Through out my life, (insert deceased person who I have never mentioned before in my life) has always encompassed all of my personal beliefs and I’ve always loved (him/her/them). I’m broken.

(Add sloppily fitting anecdote)

(Profit? Doesn’t matter. Dad has the bill)

(Something something something Brock Holt’s kid)

(A bunch of words, something, more words, Mitch Moreland and Devers looks young)

T-shirts are available through our website and 13 percent of all profits goes to causes that might help whatever I’m crying about today


The Media Mazz of the Week!

Media Mazz of the Week!

The triumphant, long overdue return of the Media Mazz of the Week! will not happen today.

We, the BJBSJ Interns, know there are are going to be people that are not supportive of this situation, and that’s fine. If that means you unfollow us, be our guest. We just don’t think at this time, with the situation going on in this country, we can in good conscience, poke fun at, or speak poorly of, the true heroes of this moment, the sports media.

The sports media has reacted amazingly during this difficult time. The athletes and coaches that actually boycotted, or striked, or struck, or protested, or whatever, are fortunate to bask in the reflected glow of the sports media. Woj, Shams, Woj again, I can go on. The tweets and retweets and supportive logrolling between media was utterly heartwarming.

And to denigrate these virtual firefighters, the media, would be, at this time, wrong. As wrong as making a snap decision based on 20 seconds of context-free portrait mode cell phone camera video. So there will be no awarding of the Media Mazz of the Week today. It is the least we could do.

Signed- The interns.

No Mazz today. Sorrey!

08/26/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

A nice lady.

Is Boogie, Dame, Spida the 2020 Snap, Crackle, Pop? I’m just asking the question, caller.

Gotta beat them Lightnings in regular time, Bruins.

  • Hot: Running a “border wall” Venmo scam
  • Not: Running a “moving expenses” Venmo scam.

Kirk spends a month in therapy and immediately starts attacking his “friends” again. No one could have predicted this.

An Indy 500 Race that finishes under a caution flag is still a win, Takuma Sato.

Believe Victims* (Void in Eagle, Colorado.)

Are the Red Sox best exemplified by their 3 game win streak, or their eight game losing streak? I guess we will have to watch, and buy merchandise, and support the Boston Globe newspaper to find out.

1= tweet “sexi booti smarf mc buckets”

2=(insert the art of a child)

3= become wct royalty

4= profit but refuse because money is bad

Tough to see Bleacher Report closing up shop on their long form magazine. Company to watch out for to fill the void? Couch Guy Sports.

What time does Jerry Falwell Jr speak at the RNC?

Cakes are cooking for Tommy Heinsohn, Valerie Simpson, Ola Ray, and Macaulay Culkin.

Find someone who loves you as much as dummies in sports media love ‘bring a guy in for camp competition!’ storylines.

Why do they call that thing a ‘Zamboni?’ Just one of life’s unanswerable questions, I guess.

Jerry Jones on @1053thefan is asked whether the team is interested in Earl Thomas: he makes it clear the team is still weighing that possibility has respect for Thomas’ skillset and ability and acknowledges Thomas’ interest in Dallas in the past. Worth keeping an eye on.

Aloha means Goodbye, @WWIIFelger. Aloha.

Have the Buccaneers beat writers ever seen a good QB practice before?

For that matter have the Patriots beat writers? IJATQC.

Tried to watch the full Kenosha video. Couldn’t. Too upsetting. I mean really, portrait mode? It’s 2020, people! Enough is enough!

You just gonna let that shrubbery overgrow into the pool, Jimbo?

Popovich not coaching in the Association Playoffs is the greatest Social Justice issue of all.

KFC is taking the “Finger Lickin’ Good” slogan away. Jokes on them, I still have my toes.

My nickname for Luka Dončić is “Uka”, cuz with him, there ain’t no “L”.

Why do they dress Kathryn Tappen like an Amish Madam?

“Poor ghetto cocknob sells a broken i-Pad to whorish illegal alien child who then breaks his car mirror. A typical Lawrence love story” -Turtleboy Times

Out on Gary Meyers.

A reminder that BJBSJ really likes and respects its readers.

Lets all remember Anthony Martignetti on this Prince Spaghetti Wednesday. Rest in peace.

Poor Dave Meggett didn’t win enough championships, I guess.

  • Celtics : Sixers
  • Bruins : Leafs
  • Patriots : Bills
  • Red Sox : Red Sox fans

I see the media are circling the milk wagons for the telephone & telegraph gal.

How many feet of the border wall could Curt Schilling pay for by selling his “Golden Teeth of Auschwitz” collection?

Honk if you don’t care who’s blocked by Dougie Hamilton.

Everyone look at Jemele.

Hey Focksboro practice observationists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Damien Harris runs violent.”

I thought the Trail Blazers Game 1 win had a touch of the ‘Memorial Day Massacre’ vibe to it. Forgot to mention it at the time.

Pray for John Dennis if you happen to take a dump at the Punta Gorda rest stop. He’d be there if he could.

I’ll admit I’m lonely, and need someone to hold me just to sleep at night.
But I’d rather be alone rather wake up on my own come the morning time.
The days pass so slowly and it never fades. Evening comes, I’m looking for somebody else. These are things I say only when I’m talking to myself.

Robyn Hayward may want to look into a restraining order against Olivia Mignosa. Just sayin’.

John Davidson lives in NH? Now that’s incredible!

How many bunk beds fit in a padded cell?

It must be embarrassing at the ER when you have to explain how that “action figure” got stuck where it did.

A: Ipswich clams.

Honk if you’re wasted during weeknight playoff games.

Wait, did we honk already? Hell with it.

  • Out: Dame Dolla
  • In: Spida Mitchell

Thoughts and prayers go out to old friend Theodore Sarandis who is still recovering from the aftereffects of COVID-19.

Best bet for the weekend: MTV VMA’s, natch.

HBD, Tommy.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources#BoldFlavors, and #the15 were used in this column. Get help, Fuckface.


Guest Column: Introducing TerpKid

Hey cock biscuits and cunt hole drizmops,

It’s me the TerpKid!

I just wanted to start off by saying I’m not racist or homophobic at all, I just dont like those ratchet (redacted),(redacted), (redacted), (redacted), those stinky (redacted) and especially those (redacted) and don’t me started on those limp wristed (redacted).

Anyways, if you have a second please click on my sponsor links. It only takes about 20 minutes and the article will appear.

Today’s feature is a doozy. It’s about a cockmarble from Marlborough who is a total libtard and get this……
This thunderspunk owes back taxes of 600 bucks and was once arrested for possession of marijuana while at a Patriots game!

Anyways, please check me out on the next episode of Heir Callahan and friends


08/19/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Before. And After.

Whoever had Andy Hart in the “which sports media member would have the worst COVID take” please come claim your prize. Wear a mask when you do.

That Tuukka opt-out really suuckks.

So far ‘The Player’ is the runaway leader in beat writer tracked camp stats.

Rask having Dale on speed dial isn’t all that shocking. With Dale’s reputation as a go getter and all.

Boy, Fitzy really wanted us to know he’s no homo.

Recent reports indicate that another COVID-19 side effect is that your Hart gets ratio’ed.

Gotta keep your head on a swivel, Jordan Staal.

So the ice cream truck song is racist? Well, what did Ed Markey know and when did he know it?

I guess deactivation is the ‘In’ thing to do for the late Summer 2020.

Cakes are cooking for Renée Richards, John Stamos, Tabitha Soren, and Fat Joe.

3 straight months of rehab? Classic Dino.

It’s curious that Dale keeps leaving the fellatio portion of his career out of these books. Not even one chapter?

Dame. That’s it; that’s the post.

I’m not saying that Andy Hart must make the least money out of anyone in his graduating class at Tufts, but…wait, I guess that’s exactly what I’m saying.

If Dan Lifshatz could add 1 MPH to his serve for every burner account he has, he’d probably be worthy of a scholarship.

I thought WLVI would send Jack Hynes to the DNC. Budget problems?

Vince Wilfork probably could have snuck Bianca into a hotel, unlike that Seahawks rookie. Just sayin’.

You keep Eric Clapton’s name out of your whore mouth Phoebe Bridgers!

Clowns acting like clowns SZN.

So they’re going to induce Robyn Hayward in two weeks, right? That’s what I’d want them to do.

Evan Lazar set to star in a remake of The Untouchables.

And Xander Bogaerts set to star in a remake of The Last of the Mohicans.

Imagine fighting for your country and coming home to find out your dad is blowing backup quarterbacks? Yikes.

I once broke one of baseball’s unwritten rules. Except that it wasn’t baseball, and it was indeed written down. Codified, even. Less than ideal.

Source: #Bears CB Artie Burns, who was carted off today, tore his ACL.

Brutal subtweet goes here.

The title of Fantasy Football Commissioner doesn’t hold the glamour it has in past seasons.

I confuse Yankees pitcher James Paxton with James Pullman.

Jayson Tatum; he’s just a baby!

NHL Playoff beards must be more comfortable at this time of year.

Hey spellcheckers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Hawthorne that bust Bhagwan must Khartoum.”

Bridget definitely pulled the goalie back in the day, right? I mean, come on!

Golfing!? I’m outraged!

Really, a duckboat parade during a COVID pandemic would be potentially disastrous. Thanks, Mister Henry!

How do you think the My Pillow guy sleeps, Anderson Cooper?

Nobody is better at explaining their own jokes better than Charlotte Wilder. NOBODY.

Imagine looking at Twitter and seeing only Chris Curtis and Bill Burt taking up your side. That’s even worse than a Bobby Grier Alliteration Draft.

A new Netflix series starring Donna Pescow could be refreshing.

Get help, Fuckface.

What was worse, Tuukka’s recent “dull at times” remark or Adrian Gonzalez’s “God didn’t have it in the cards” missive? Let us know in the comments.

Mensa Matt: Avenged.

That weirdo Brohio State football coach guy that tweeted out the hashtag #ilovethesemen makes me think about Gary Ganguay’s onetime follower, @premiumbukkake. I wonder if he still misses his Baby Boo Cake.

Fredgy’s group therapy participants are on week 3 of Detroit/Atlanta stories. How many suicide attempts are they up to by now? Zoinks!

Are we sure @Jack isn’t shadow deactivating?

Honk if you remember @WWIIFelger going to the convenience store, forgetting to get a bottled water for his wife, and then blatantly lying about it.

Hoping Verdugo gunning players down doesn’t become his “new thing”.

Dougie is not a name for a grown man.

You’d think by now they would be able to virtually Storrow a truck under the overpass. but no.

Best bet for the weekend: #BoldFlavors.


material from interviews, wire services, gems from my Twitter that didn’t get near enough likes, other writers, league and team sourcesand surviving members of #the15, especially Bootleg (welcome back!), were used in this column. 


08/12/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

I don’t know what ‘goodbye’ is in fake Ugandan. Goodbye.

Y’all had a good laugh at the expense of UMass football for a few hours. Har de har har. Until the other Conference shoes started to fall.

Quintuple Overtime Playoff hockey just hits different.

Only upside to having no electricity is not having to confront my worst nightmare. I shudder to even author this; Abby Chin will eventually not work for NBCSports Boston.

Its sad that Kamala Harris didn’t live to see Kamala Harris get the Veep nomination.

Future NFLHC Seeking young, twitchy edge bender for light football mansplaination. Violent hands preferred. Will accept tight skin, but fluid hips are a must. All-22 friendly. No squids, catfish, or single wings.

The Baseball Paper Boston Globe is really forcing laughably positive Alex Verdugo stories on us without our consent.

It’s not the health it’s the liability.

Lucy is like keto, apparently. Once you stop all the weight comes back immediately.

Lamar Miller? I heardahim!

Between Joe Haggerty and Abby, NBCSports Boston got rid of like five Chins!

Cakes are cooking for Jim Beaver, Pat Metheny, Lynette Woodard, and Sir Mix A Lot.

Also, cakes are, and at the same time, aren’t, cooking for Erwin Schrödinger.

No ones saying it, but if YOU wore a mask we’d have college football.

I hope Kirk comes back soon. A negative podcast hosted by a cynical douche peddling contrived outrage is definitely the best and only cure for my intense depression.

What’s the Austrian word for schadenfreude? Asking for a buddy of a friend.

Celtics are gonna surprise a lot of ignorant teenagers out there on the socials, no?

Hey Zayre’s Parking Lot attendants, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Built in excuse.”

How’s that? there’s another Phrase that Pays? “do the right thing.” What?

Hey, we’re up against a hard salary cap here; I can’t have all these phrases paying out!

Well lookie there, a triple H, like the weather we’ve been having! I miss Dickie Albert.

Anthony Lynn making history.

The Bruins may be able to flip the switch in the real playoffs. I just hope Eversource isn’t providing the power.

Kamala Harris? Would.

What the fuck is that guy going to do with a kidney?

XFL coming back? Cool.

I’m glad the Rangers ‘won’ the Draft lottery. After all, Madison Square Garden is the Madison Square Garden of hockey.

Them Subaru Foresters got two mufflers.

Call me when your precocious eight year old correctly tells you ‘you were assigned female at birth, and present as an exhausting blob.’

Meems? Joke’s over. Olly olly oxen free.

Bill Russell played in a mask throughout the 1968 pandemic, but that had more to do with disguising himself while he abused baby-dicked, belt-wearing actuaries from Peoria.

I look at her and she looks at me. In her eyes I see the sea. I don’t see what she sees in a man like me. She says she loves me. Her eyes, yeah, her eyes. Her eyes are a blue million miles.

Libby Warren: drop trail of tears below.

Ah, Courtney Fallon. Good to see she has time to troll between hooker funerals.

Bad Tuesday in C-Bus.

Bert Breer hasn’t been this sad since he found out why Mumsy made him call the gardener ‘Uncle Jorge’.

We can read your LinkedIn even without having Premium, you know.

Honk if you remember a time before Shark Week.

When she lets your collegiately sharpened, newly emancipated mind run wild >>>

That tenth win for the Red Sox may not show up in the standings until September.

Best bet for the weekend: I don’t know; I wrote this on Tuesday.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column.