Happy Christmas Eve Cartoon Tyme

Thank you to our talented cartoonists, whose names I forget, and to our intern, who was supposed to upload this post but forgot their login credentials. Good Job. Good Effort. Merry. Happy.

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12/23/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Merry Xmas!

Good luck this semi-fake season Celtics. Anything is possible.

Just so DJ Bean is clear, the Sports Junk Drawer is not click bait, either.

Eggnog. Arguably the best nog.

More tackles broken in the backfield than any game I can ever remember.

I just assumed every strip club has it’s own assigned NBA player, the way country clubs and muni courses each have a golf pro.

Does Chris Gasper have a holiday scarf collection? Just asking the question.

Nothing is a better remedy for seasonal affective disorder than a trip to Puerto Vallarta somebody else paid for.

I guess the DSM-5 doesn’t recognize ‘Attention From Strangers-Deficit Disorder’ as an actual malady. Maybe the 6 will.

So Bob Ryan just learned about the Tuck Rule, and Twix, I guess the Tylenol Product Tampering Poisonings from 1982 comes next.

If you want Bruins news that occasionally beats the big boys you check out Jimmie Murphy at whatever blog he does! Days of Y’Orr, maybe?

Cam Newton is actually playing pretty great if you’re not using traditional metrics like completions and yards and touchdowns and wins!

Cakes are cooking for Jorma Kaukonen, Bill Rodgers, Carla Bruni, and Finn Wolfhard.

Paul Pierce is The Truth. And The Truth belongs in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Cube steak prepared the right way is nothing to sleep on.

“Battle ax” – That’s what the goalies call their sticks. Only ice hockey insiders know that.

Here’s hoping for the Next Man Up at the sports desk at Channel 5.

So I won an Amazon Fire Stick at a holiday raffle. But I can’t find where you’re supposed to fill it with lighter fluid. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Speaking of fire, that poor busboy at the Cocoanut Grove thinks N’Keal Harry has passed him as the most unfairly reviled person in the Greater Boston Area.

Ron Rivera says in looking around the league, the Washington Football Team decided a fine for Dwayne Haskins was in line with what has been the standard this year. No suspension or taking reps away.

Orange Line: Delays of up to 10 minutes southbound due to a train with an earlier mechanical problem approaching North Station.

‘It’s a Fine Conjunction.’ – Evan Lazar, probably.

News Item: supermodel Stella Tennant dies at age 50. When did she play for the Steelers?

What can WEEI do to boost their ratings? Lou can’t dye his hair any darker! He’s all out of ideas!

WARRIOR Ice Arena is humming with the sound of Bruins practice!

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gain
Next year all our troubles will be miles away.

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithfull friends who are near to us
Will be dear to us
Once more.

Somedays soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas, now.

Pasta is a Good Kid AND a Good Guy.

Governor Baker wants #The15 to not meet in one indoor location.

Hey there gang, this week’s emergency backup Phrase that Pays is “Daddy doesn’t make the rules.”

James Harden got strawberry juices all over Olojuwan’s retired jersey? Oh no.

Gasper’s been singing Jedd Fisch’s praises for months, probably.

Smize!

Honk if you remember the Boston Garden’s smaller ice surface.

Dogs seem to love Christmas. They get IT.

Bryant beats UMass. I’d weep, but my tears were vacated.

Am I nuts, or does that Patriots practice setlist feature a lot of Young Jeezy?

Lotta closet space over at WCVB. Apparently.

Best bet for the weekend: Hatrack Newton starts.

Have a safe Youksmas Eve.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, and #the15 were used in this column. God bless us; every one.

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12/17/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Bwahahahahaha!

Shelby Scott SZN.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for not clicking a Steve Buckley article.

Kyrie’s “pawns” comment is wrong… pawns can actually be useful.

Is MapQuest still a thing?

Walt Coleman’s correct call didn’t cost you the Snow Bowl, Raiders. Way to compete.

I’m starting to think this low budget 80’s movie didn’t pay enough attention to the small details.

Cakes are cooking for Wes Studi, Bill Pullman, Bob Stinson, Michele Tafoya,  Milla Jovovich, and N’Keal Harry.

And cakes we cooked yesterday for Jon Tenney, Billy Ripken, Miranda Otto, Mariza, and Trevor Immelman are in the break room.

I’ve been to some low end harness racing tracks.

Where’s Hunter Renfroe? With the Red Sox!

Fine, if I buy something from you people, will you STOP sending Sharper Image catalogues!?

Giants OC Jason Garrett has tested positive for COVID-19. Freddie Kitchens will call plays for the team on Sunday.

The dumb renumbering of the exit numbers of the MassPike makes me want to punch a bureaucrat. But I probably have to fill out a bunch of forms to do that.

Medical doctors, dentists, veterinarians. That’s it.

You’re sure Manish Mehta covered the Jets and not the Patriots for the NYDN paper? If you say so.

Gordon Hayward shouldn’t buy ant lottery tickets.

Cancer got bored with Gary Tanguay.

News Item: PLL and MLL to merge. #CONSONANTS

C’s preseason seems to start later every year.

Red Line: Delays of up to 20 minutes southbound due to a switch problem near JFK/UMass.Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Don’t refer to winter storms by people names. Just no.

Hey Bill the GM defenders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “He elf tour.”

No one has asked what I want for Christmas yet and we’re only 9 days out so I just kinda wanna know what gives.

I’m sure this isn’t the first time Abby Chin has been someone’s last resort.

If you live in an area expected to get the dryer powdery snow, you are exempt from making sure to charge your devices and checking in on elderly neighbors.

Spoiler:  the hardware store is out of shear pins.

You know there’s a big payout in one of the Megabucks/MegaMillions/Poweball games when there’s a Channel 7 News van at Ted’s Stateline Mobil.

#GiftofSox, anyone?

Tidy 37 point game, Tre Mitchell. Go U! Go UMass!

Anyone on a bike today who isn’t trying to collect two dollars from Lane Meyer should be arrested on sight.

You only have the Christmas Blend Blonde Roast ready, Starbucks? What kind of operation are you running here?

Honk if you’ve ever cut through a frozen cranberry bog to get to Gillette Stadium in the snow.

Don’t crowd the plow.

“Blog” is short for “belong” gentlemen. That’s what we all need. That’s where we’re going.

Dale Arnold has lifts in his Timberlands.

Entitled Town will return.

Best bet for the weekend: great deals at the Lord & Taylor going out of business sale.

What a worthless profession.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, and #the15 were used in this column Lift with your legs, not your back.

Let’s be careful out there. #BoldDrivers
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12/09/2020 More in Sorrow Than Anger Rolling Back Everywhere the Sports Junk Drawer Cleaning to Step 3 Phase 1

Shake? Psyche!

So there. For the second consecutive autumn, the New England Revolution are not going to break the region’s Championship drought.

I mainly follow Serie A.

You don’t see Deebo pushing anybody down! Probably because he creates SEPARATION! He takes the TOP OFF! In conclusion, Nick Chubb!

Anyone saying how much 2020 has been the worst year apparently didn’t hear that the McRib is back.

You don’t even know what a trade exemption is, do you?

Cakes are cooking for Dick Butkus, World B. Free, Fabrice Santoro, and Wendy Dillinger.

Imagine feuding with Lou Merloni being the breaking point where you’ve lost respect for Craig Carton.

It’s almost like valuing special teams play comes in handy when, say you have a hatrack under center.

Is there a baseball jock Jared Carrabis won’t sniff?

So breakdancing is an official Olympic sport….can we also make snowball fights legal as well

I’m making a gingerbread replica of WARRIOR Ice Arena.

Dotty Parton has great knockers.

Ohio State/Michigan game cancelled, Bertie Breer hardest hit.

Repost: I swear the Globe should put a spicy pepper symbol next to Shirley Leung’s columns to warn us of any hot takes contained therein!

Get your Followers up pussbag

Who told you that you can’t win in this league unless you have a quarterback who can make all the throws? Charley Casserly? Was it him?

I prefer podcasts that aren’t recorded in storage units.

Hug your difficult head groundskeepers a little tighter tonight.

The MRI confirmed that Essang Bassey, a promising UDFA, has a torn ACL. Out for the season.

There’s no bigger fucking loser than Turtlecunt.

Some say if you tweet like Katie Nolan long enough you become her.

Life Hack: Increase your Twitter efficiency model by shortening “rookies” to “rooks.”

Why am I seeing mailboxes aligned parallel to the street, instead of the usual perpendicular? Is this like when people started lifting their windshield wipers up before a snowstorm?

@BPhillips_SB is really going to soil himself when Cam Newton passes for over 100 yards in a game some day!

AOL appears to have lost 2,000 of my recent e-mails. Has this happened to anybody else, or just me?

Who are you kidding? you’re not making soup. Throw that turkey carcass out.

Richard Deitsch searches his name on Twitter. You know what to do.

Not so funny when someone walks into *your* house unannounced, huh, Tom Brady?

Albania isn’t a real country.

I wish @ThatDaveBrown still had a press pass so he could ask the Jarrett Stidham question.

Ok, bud.

Last week was Cleats For a Cause by the NFL. The calendar turned yesterday and it was “pimp for a coordinator” day by the media.

Hey there gang of elite volumetric hackers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Honestly Genius.”

Gina. Not owning.

Red Sox are in on everyone in the Rule 5 Draft!

Nicknames? We’re bemoaning the lack of nicknames in sports nowadays? Well I got a snappy nickname for you to use, KPD; ‘Hatrack’ Newton. Enjoy!

Political operatives are telling me McRib plans on challenging Mayor McCheese in the upcoming primary.

You can have the Molina’s, I’ll take the Farmiga’s.

Chris Gasper does have a nice beard.

You want a BJBSJ sweatshirt? I can get you a BJBSJ sweatshirt. We’ll talk.

Choirs will be singing “Silent Night,”
Christmas carols by candlelight.
Please come home for Christmas.
Please come home for Christmas.
If not for Christmas, by New Year’s night.

It’s a bit of a relief not to have to constantly defend Tom Brady anymore.

Is everybody at WEEI a midget?

Honk if you ever went Christmas shopping at Downtown Crossing.

Another Life Hack: if you order on the Dunkin app, you can select “Light Ice” or something like that where they’ll put less ice, and it means you’ll actually get more beverage, aka more bang for your buck. Otherwise, it’s like, 80% ice.

Hi Marv!

There are better places in the Boston area to watch an outdoor Bruins game than at Fenway Park.

What’s Big Gym doing out on a rooftop deck? I thought he reacted to bright light like Gizmo. Fraud.

Well if world-class dummy Peter King thinks that Jack Easterby isn’t running things behind the scenes, that’s good enough for me!

Best bet for the weekend: Maccabees in a rout.

Useless.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW, @PatsSixtySeven, and #the15 were used in this column.

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12/02/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

You want it. You know you do.

Bill would rather have two chickens than a turkey!

What is a jeezy?

Anyone know where I can get half a Hershey bar for $10.99? Preferably local. I’d drive from Bellingham for one.

I’m not sure Hop got his toe down inbounds.

I’m sure Corporate Kirk loves being forced to shill overpriced tee shirts on the marching orders of Davey Day Trader!

Thank God Marisa Ingemi didn’t take that job with Quibi.

So I guess its curtains for Drapes at NBCSN. Best of luck in your future endeavors, Mr. Draper.

It’s a fact everybody loves expensive meatballs for Christmas, and do I have the guy for you! Ad 4 @Table.

Listen, anytime you get the chance to double your struggling quarterback’s salary in order to bench him you have to do it.

Cakes are cooking for Gerry Cheevers, Cathy Lee Crosby, Penelope Spheeris, Dan Butler, and Randy Gardner.

Trade Exemption Danny.

In a shocking turn of events, the broken Christmas lights we put away last year still don’t work.

A well-earned Special Teams Co-player of the Week Award, Ms. Fuller. You go, girl!

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Eye discipline.”

Professional boxing is not what it once was.

Every broad can transgender by putting on a baseball hat. Simple.

MLB free agent Cory Kluber lives in Winchester during the off season? Does he deliver home heating oil too like he’s an MLB player in 1959?

Red Line Update: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a train with an earlier mechanical problem at Davis.

Those Pats Pulpit writers sure do love themselves an 84 yards passing, 0 TDs and 2 INTs game! Smdh.

Giblets is a funny word. Giblets.

Of the two, Bridget has the prettier face. There; I said it.

State Farm’s dedication to trying to make Aaron Rodgers seem likable is admirable, I guess.

The color temperature is wrong on a lot of those Christmas lights I see on the houses out there in this town.

Despite being eligible to come off the COVID-19 reserve list, neither #Ravens RBs Mark Ingram or JK Dobbins are expected to play today. Gus Edwards will start for Baltimore.

Mina just guessed it was Harrison. Not impressed.

Don’t you know that you’re toxic?
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

You’ll get that elusive win next full season UMass football.

I hope there are no supply chain issues with ribbon candy this holiday season.

‘Why did Bill the GM trade for WR depth during a pandemic?’ – Dummies.

NBA sked leak sez Kyrie is coming to play against his old team on Christmas? I’ll believe it when I sees it.

Nine dollars for a gyro? Outrageous!

I don’t write this column for statistical benefits.

Best bet for the weekend: the house finally not smelling like a Bell’s Seasoning truck overturned in the driveway.

Super Cute Atari Baseball?

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this columnThanks the the crew at Spoiler Alert! for filling in last week.

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Guest column – Spoiler Alert!

Note- Mr. Scartelli has the day off. Please enjoy this submission assembled by his co-workers at Spoiler Alert!, an aftermarket spoiler sales and installation shop in Plainville.

Warning: Spoilers to Follow.

Spoiler Alert: it’s a Prius gamely chugging uphill that’s causing the five mile long slowdown on the Pike.

Spoiler Alert: Boston is in no danger of once again becoming a college football town.

Spoiler Alert: you’re not important enough to receive one of the first doses of the CoVid-19 vaccine.

Spoiler Alert: good seats will still be available at America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.

Spoiler Alert: 50,000,000 Elvis fans CAN be wrong.

Spoiler Alert. it’s not the tryptophan in the turkey that made you pass out on the couch.

Spoiler Alert: Asian women do not have an extra muscle.

Spoiler Alert: you aren’t going to ever use the ‘fax’ feature on your home printer.

Spoiler Alert: no one has hit a 565 foot home run. Ever.

Spoiler Alert: the late Albert DeSalvo may not be responsible for the so-called Boston Strangler slayings.

Spoiler Alert: Brie Larson has a flat ass.

Spoiler Alert: it’s possible to go south on 93 and north on 128 at the same time!

Spoiler Alert: there never was a Loyko Investigation.

Spoiler Alert: Russ isn’t running his socials.

Spoiler Alert: ‘painter of light’ Thomas Kinkaide? A bit of a hack.

Spoiler Alert: the first thanksgiving took place in 1621 and was not a traditional feast of thanks but merely a celebration of a bountiful harvest.

Spoiler Alert: Elle Duncan? Not white!

Spoiler Alert. ‘Corinthian leather’ is not actually a thing.

Spoiler Alert: Pat Burns? Still dead.

Spoiler Alert: yes, AAPL has devised a way to remote drain the battery on your old iPhone in tandem with the release of a new iPhone model.

Spoiler Alert: Sixto looks nothing like Big Papi.

Spoiler Alert: the broad hosting the true crime podcast is in love with the suspect.

Spoiler Alert: Jim Nantz is not your friend.

Spoiler Alert: the Automile in Norwood is actually almost three miles in length.

Spoiler Alert: North American Sports Commissioners are not required to be from New York City!

Spoiler Alert: Len Bias may have sampled cocaine prior to June of 1986.

Spoiler Alert: Mary Ann’s sucked.

Spoiler Alert: Paul Revere did not act alone: he was actually one of several riders on April 18, 1775.

Spoiler Alert: of course that stripper likes you; you just gave her $300.

Spoiler Alert: Bridget pulled the goalie, as it were.

Spoiler Alert: it’s a sled.

Spoiler Alert: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving won a makeup call Emmy.

Spoiler Alert: Chuck Stuart had help getting off that bridge.

Spoiler Alert: the song title is ‘Your Love’.

Spoiler Alert: the Plymouth Rock you see today is like George Washington’s tomahawk.

Spoiler Alert: BJBSJ – Always First.

Look at that” – Scott Zolak, when on the radio.

Be sure to stop by Spoiler Alert! off Industrial Avenue in Plainville for all your aftermarket spoiler needs.

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11/18/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Same name!

Dugie is upset Dugie can’t film Dugie getting metaphorically shoved down our throats.

That fez was wearing Cam. Sorrey!

Congratulations to Kim Ng on being the first female GM in professional sports. Can Mina Kimes be far behind?

Tony Robbins should be able to fix AB before the next blowup.

BJBSJ is non partisan. All democrats, independents, and republicans are welcome.

The NBA Draft is tonight? Why wasn’t I informed of this earlier? DARREN!

Bill the Coach is still trying to win football games because he’s scared Bill the GM is gonna whiff on a low draft pick.

Cakes are cooking for Linda Evans, Tony Franklin, Kirk Hammett, and Lee Anne Ketcham.

It’s also supposedly David Ortiz’s birthday, but, you know, “Dominican Birth Certificate.”

Anyone got any fleet jokes?

Quite the Masters, Dustin Johnson. Less time to get ready for the next one, though.

Have neckties gotten skinnier, or have I gotten wider? Both? Oh.

Happy trails, Theo Epstein. Next stop: Queens? Or Cooperstown?

Blehhh! Ernie Adams Weather Control Machine! Blehhhh!!!

These NHL Reverse Retro Jerseys have a real Malibu Stacy’s New Hat energy to them.

Gord Hayward.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “He was turning his life around.”

Nick Foles was the unwitting beneficiary of an unannounced beta test of an NFL rules change.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Mine is flat plain seltzer!

I get all my NBA insider info from pasty gayball wrasslin’ fans.

Do record stores sell records again? Pretty neat.

A game featuring Matt Nagy and Anthony Lynn coaching against each other would never end.

Looking out a dirty old window. Down below the cars in the city go rushing by. I sit here alone and I wonder why. Friday night and everyone’s moving.
I can feel the heat but it’s soothing, heading down. I search for the beat in this dirty town.

Trying to recognize people wearing masks out and about has let to some weird interior monologues, like “Is that Aunt Marge? No, it can’t be; she’s heavier. And dead.”

Beating a Harbro using a trick play just hits different.

Are we in the trust tree? Okay, good. I really liked the 2010 version of The A-Team with Li Neeson, Brad Cooper & Jess Biel.

WARRIOR Ice Arena. That’s it. That’s the post.

What’s next a new Baybank feature? Come on do better Twitter.

Too many chats!

When did I eat asparagus? What is going on?

Dave and Iron are in midseason form on their Entitled Town podcast. Which makes sense, actually.

Wow, that @bsp_13 sure is a smokeshow!

so the red sox held a press conference to re introduce and the owners would not be there…republicans say..bold move

No Wahlburgers grand opening in Springfield until April?

Honk if you remember the drought.

BJBSJ has voted unanimously not to certify Chard Finn’s totally real New England’s sports media poll after many, many voting irregularities were uncovered.

Dogs, bruh.

A Fisty/Lil Jerry buddy comedy: who says no?

Best bet for the weekend: Houston Texans being on the cusp of the brink of irrelevance.

Heh heh heh.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column

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11/11/11/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

I called him ‘Mister Celtic’. Not literally, though. Fare thee well, Tommy.

Heinsohn; a tough loss for Celtics fans, but is Jerry Remy the best color commentator in Boston sports history? – The Baseball Paper

Sports media love ‘teams playing to lose’ storylines almost as much as they enjoy giving each other awards. Almost.

The Masters golf tournament in November. A tradition unlike any other, and unlike any other.

First Abby Chin dies and now this? Oh wait, she just got let go? My bad.

Peter King got the ‘Cancer that killed Alex Trebek’ Daily Double question wrong.

Haha, remember all those covfefe jokes? Good times.

  • Tired: I’m joining The Athletic.
  • Wired: I’m joining Parler.

Here’s hoping Dave Mondillo get the J.T. Watkins treatment.

Cakes are cooking for Demi Moore, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jessica Mendoza, and Mark Sanchez.

Sure Jared Remy has had a few hiccups, but how come nobody ever investigated Tommy’s kids?

Hug your professional football team public relations directors a little tighter this morning.

In fairness, how would Volin get Cam’s jeans off with mittens on?

Good job illegally voting everyone.

Red Sox ownership must be kicking themselves that they didn’t delay the Alex Cora rehiring announcement and saved a week’s salary.

Blehhh!! Undrafted Free Agent Wide Reciever finds! Blehhhh!!!

How long is the In Memoriam segment of the B.E.T. Awards?

Tampa, when you have 3 WR1s, you have none.

Leslie Jones as Tommy’s replacement? Who says no?

A Treehouse Brewing taproom in every region of the Commonwealth. Sounds like a plan to me.

Donald J. Trump and Marisa Ingemi are free agents.

Hall of Fame Baseball Person > Federal Employee of Major League Baseball.

Why not Zoidberg?

The bottle of NyQuil hits different after Newton falls down twice on 3rd down.

Sweet and low and oh-so, little Ms. Dora Jarre.
Safe sex and fishnets and could you walk me to my car, pa?
She’s losing faith in a world that is out of control.
So she’s gonna nix politics, she’s taking up volleyball
volleyball! Why?

Not for nothing but the emo guy didn’t run away like he was Fragile Frankie Merman.

Who ate all the Frusen Glädjé?

Hey losers and haters, the Phrase that Pays is ‘I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!’

Hey gang of WEEI listeners, all 3.7 of you, the actual Phrase that Pays is ‘Organically tanking.’ Cute little phrase. sniff.

Honk if your parents were too cheap to get SportsChannel. #RIPTommy

I wonder if David Ortiz’s lookalike best friend Sixto ever voted using Papi’s ballot.

My neck is working on a bi-directional degree angle.

How have they not rebooted Silk Stalkings?

Easterby. That’s the post.

Proposed MBTA service reductions could really cut down on the number of fake suicide attempts by a noticeable margin.

More coffee for the rest of us.

Sorry if this edition is lighter than the Patriots front seven.

Best bet for the weekend: Eagles try for the upset against Notre Dame.

Let’s make this a meme, people.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. Thank a veteran.

Thank a pretend veteran too while you are at it.

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11/04/2020 Regretfully Rolling Back the Sports Junk Drawer Cleaning to Step 3 Phase 1

Not so much.

It’s 10:56 P.M.. Why are you out roaming the streets, caller?

October: Coaching Tree. November: Sophistry.

Please note that the BJBSJ Editorial Board also declined to endorse a candidate in 2016.

I still 55.

The dog ate Greg Bedard’s capologist.

Just as a heads up, your boy Dave Brown won’t respond to me when I say hi to him in real life.

A reminder that every major style guide–including the Modern Language Association Style Manual and the Chicago Manual of Style–prescribes a single space after a period.

Cakes are cooking for Delbert McClinton, Markie Post, Jacques Villeneuve, and Jan Apell.

This will be interesting: Sounds like the #Cowboys are leaning towards Garrett Gilbert as their starter after considering all options. But they want to see how Coooper Rush and GIlbert handle practice reps.

Hey Patriots fans: there’s a Ford in your future!

Update: BC is not back. BC is BC.

Like this shaggy dog story of a Red Sox managerial search won’t end with Alex Cora being brought back.

Foliage is kinda past-peak now.

It’s always nice when good things finally start happening to Tom Brady.

If I’m ever 60 years old and getting arrested for trespassing to please my favorite regional podcast host, please put two slugs in the back of my head immediately.

Is there anything funnier than election/erection wordplay? How’s that? A great deal many things? Oh.

NE already had a QB with the ability to fumble in the red area.

Is Bitcoin the plural of Bitcoin?

3 stolen livers = still 55.

If you didn’t leave the gayball chat, you would have known.

Gordon Hayward may opt out of the last year of his contract? It’s fortunate the Celtics have a lot of experience playing without him in the lineup, then.

Mountains.

Stop talking nonsense. You’re not leaving for Canada. And even if you did, you’re probably not getting your hat back from that stripper at that Montreal peeler.

This parade of nullities lining up to gleefully get their swings in on Bill Belichick would be disappointing were it not so predictable.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “What’s Bill’s motive?”

Earl Woods spacers, people.


Well, John the Baptist after torturing a thief, looks up at his hero the Commander-in-Chief, Saying, Tell me great hero, but please make it brief;
Is there a hole for me to get sick in? The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, saying, Death to all those who would whimper and cry.
And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, saying, The sun’s not yellow it’s chicken!

‘Tank your way to the Super Bowl!’ isn’t how it works.

Honk if you remember ‘Don’t blame me: I voted for Muffy’ bumper stickers.

My used car didn’t come with an owner’s manual. I have no idea how to change the clock to standard time. I hope someone can relate.

What, I’m going to have to go to the Ocean State Job Lot to get aluminum foil?

Los Angeles. Fake titties and fake titles.

I should have gotten this year’s copy of the Sears & Roebuck’s Wish Book by now.

Staying with Newton isn’t helping the ‘Bill was ready to sideline Bledsoe in favor of Brady even BEFORE Drew got hurt!’ storyline. It’s just not.

Sullivan’s remains open.

Best bet for the weekend: A Warren Zevon quote from Shank.

Hello?

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. Contains greater than 75% new material.

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10/28/2020 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Oh no, Arthur. You went down to the field? Oh no. Just no.

Do two fake bubble titles equal one real one? If so, congrats and mazel tov to the city of Los Angeles!

Notice me, Dzensy!

Anyone broken this ‘Tom Brady Effect’ story yet? Everyone? Oh.

Where have all the punter/quarterback hybrids gone?

World Series hero Mookie Betts? Not so sure of that, Tone.

Is Jeff Garcia right about Cam? Was TO right about Garcia? IJATQC.

In other news today daniel jones with a weekend off..is making plans to go on a TRIP to see his family..rim shot.

How is it fair that Antonio Brown gets another chance and Marisa Ingemi doesn’t?

Cakes are cooking for Lenny Wilkens, Dennis Franz, Daphne Zuniga, Jami Gertz, and Julia Roberts.

Whoa.

No parades. Sad.

BC Football is back. That’s it; that’s the post.

‘Weapontown.’

Well, This Is Us premiered last night so we’ll probably see a bump in the suicide rate. TB12 will be vindicated.

I can’t beLIEVE Coach Bill didn’t want to create the appearance of a quarterback controversy!

’73 A’s-Mets. Darold Knowles P all 7 games. G1:Fingers in 6th, 3.1 IP, Knowles last 2 outs. G2-Fingers in 10th,2.2 IP, Mets win in Mike Andrews’s unjust nightmare. G 3 Fingers 11th inning save. G8 enter 8th, 4 out save. G7 Fingers in 6th, 3.1 IP, Knowles gets final out.

I love benadryl. It’s so mid.

I’ve already forgiven Cam for his dreadful mistakes against the Bills thanks to his refreshingly blunt self-assessments that his mistakes are ‘unacceptable’.

gonna eat 2 hotpockets and put cheerios on them

Having to wear a winter coat over your Halloween costume when out trick-or-treating never happens on TV or in the movies.

Chris Berman is at the ‘Bob Hope wearing a hippie wig’ phase in his career.

NHL 3rd Alternate Sweater SZN.

Tabasco is now trending. Tremendous. #Cowboys

The play where Cam “missed” N’Keal Harry in the first quarter it’s HOSS Z Juke vs two-high. Defense has 3 over 2 on seam-hitches. The read for Cam in that case is the juke route (Edelman) isolated on a LB. As much as you want Cam to hit this, its the right read IMO.

What’s the plan for this cheese?

Who is the guy in the NFL on CBS production trailer who makes sure there’s never a good angle on the replay on Patriots plays and why is he a Jets fan?

You never see an old man eating a Twix.

What the hell does Cam Newton wear for Halloween?

MAGA sportswriters at the Herald endorsed Trump. Well, that’s the way I heard it!

Can’t wait for the ‘Black Cats Matter’ Very Special Episode of Cat Detective coming this November on…CBS!

If you have an iPhone , I recommend using your notes app and keep your passwords there.

Red Sox Twitter is crying about declining Martin Perez’s option despite the small fact that he fucking sucks.

Hey gang, ghouls, ghosts and goblins, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Salem is Closed.”

Maltese naugahyde isn’t quite as good as Corinthian leather.

I want Jeff Benedict to write a book about me!

PayPal probably doesn’t have an email address of agnaes.rfoxcfctfoc@rfoxcfcscryt.zhug.mailmemekupdatinf.com, right? Didn’t think so.

The chipmunks, they move like they’re rendered at a different frame rate.

Got to pick up the phone I will call any number; I will talk to anyone.
I know I’m gone too far Much too far I gone this time and I don’t want to think what I’ve done.
Cause I don’t know how to stop, I don’t know how to stop.

There are always hidden silences. Waiting behind the chair.
They come out when the coast is clear. They eat anything that moves.
I go shaky at the knees. Lights go out, stars come down, like a swarm of bees. No self control.

A: Turnips.

#ShowtimeCam? JV.

Honk if you remember the 2011 Halloween Nor’easter.

It’s a good thing I unilaterally called for a spot audit of that 70 count mixed bag of Butterfinger/Baby Ruth/Nestle Crunch bars. Nine Baby Ruths! Shame!

Ah yes, the old Hitler costume bit.

Sixteen years ago Shank’s book started making the inevitable sad procession to the 99 cent remainder table. Good riddance.

Must be nice to win a World Series.

Best bet for the weekend: Bills fans acting like it’s 2002.

Wafers. Maybe next Halloween.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sourcesand #the15 were used in this column. You got to pick up every stitch. Two rabbits runnin’ in the ditch. Beatniks out to make it rich. Oh no, must be the season of the witch.

Must be nice.
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