We may not have happy hour, but from historic taverns pouring brews to high-end hotel bars mixing cocktails, Boston is one of the greatest drinking cities on earth. Yet with hundreds of options, which ones are truly worth your time when you take in the game?
If you build it, I will come. I still go to this baseball palace a few times a week. They’re well-known for the group seating and friendly service. As you can tell, I’m a regular. Convenient limo parking in the back too. It’s a Boston institution that continues to thrive.
No. 9 Park
This is a typical local tavern where everyone knows your name. Who doesn’t love Farfalle while they watch baseball? At $27, it’s an affordable option if you’re an appliance repairman or taxi driver. The bar could use a few Sox pennants, but otherwise it’s a nice place to rub elbows with other fans of the old town team.
This place is fit for a Kennedy. Jack, Ted, and Bobby oh may God rest their souls. Jack Junior too, Jesus the tragedy. When you finish that late shift at Jordan Marsh in Downtown Crossing, head over here.
Jackie Welch’s House
Not open to the public, but a select few have been invited over on occasion. Be prepared to hear Suze give you a free MBA lecture while you take in the ballgame. She loves her husband and his good looks. Sometimes Todd English or Em Lagasse caters too. His home may be worth $15 million, but Bud Light is always on tap to remind us of our working-class roots.
Is this heaven? No Danny, you’re in the seaport district. Intimate in scale, the Bar seats six, with additional seating for ten guests available at tables overlooking Congress Street. This place captures the soul of Fenway or even our city for that matter. The Chef’s Whim is only $165. I suggest drinking ice-cold Michelob instead of going with the wine pairing.
Today Shank Shaughnessy puts his pollster hat on to determine the biggest question plaguing the Red Sox this season: who’s in and who’s out on visiting the White House as part of the 2018 World Series winning team.
“FORT MYERS, Fla. — The world champion Red Sox’ visit to the White House, scheduled for May 9 after the team plays a series in Baltimore, projects to be an awkward affair as we continue to get feedback regarding who plans to go and who plans to skip the event.”
Along with IG big badonkadonk model lovin’ Peter Abraham, Shaughnessy gives us the stats:
Here’s the unfortunate and awkward math: Twelve of the 13 players who have pledged to visit the president are white. Including manager Cora, all 11 of the nos and undecideds are persons of color.
Thinking ahead to how he can approach a 3 game losing streak in May in the most insincere way possible, Shaughnessy asks John Henry handmaiden Sam Kennedy the obvious question:
Does Kennedy have any concern that this could split the famously cohesive team?
No, Shank’s far too above board to come back to this the first time Dustin Pedroia throws the pitching staff under the bus. Wouldn’t be right.
Asked if he believed the Washington trip might be a distraction to the 2019 Red Sox, president of baseball operations Dave Dombrowski said,
They provide this man, airfare, hotel, rental car, and per diems for meals to come up with shit like this.
This is the America we live in today. And in their time of triumph, not even the feel-good Red Sox are spared.
Clearly, Cora has already lost the team over the White House visit. #FireCora
The back of house in a Stoughton Dunks is a weird scene if you’re doing things right.
Get four or five of these 23-year-old anthropology grads on your crew and things get schwifty real fast. It only takes about six weeks before a soul-crippling reality sets in for those Bridgwater softies — fast food retail is the slow suffocation of your dreams. I’d say they die a little inside, but crew member Brent, who’s been here 14 years and got a philosophy degree at Bates, calls it “malignant nihilism.”
Eventually, in the middle of a slow shift, they stumble aimlessly into the kitchen and see a whole crew of like-minded nihilists running high-level experiments on hard drugs. All of these kids took a chemistry elective, so the sweet science can get pretty intense.
And that’s why I’m certain Ben Volin is freebasing cocaine.
A good free-base high is a quick trip up. In a flash, you have a team of empowered donut freaks scrubbing the dining room from stem to stern. You know why there is zero gum under my tables? Freebase cocaine, that’s why. You see the same thing from the Boston Globe’s NFL writer. This stout, little dude is always wound up with gumption. Look at how he offers to fix the Patriots salary cap…
He doesn’t even work there! Stepping up to do math for a team of highly paid experts? That’s the move of a basehead 10 minutes into his high.
And he was still in that mind set as recently as this week…
The delusions are also a dead giveaway. This is a guy who wanted to cut Brandin Cooks so the Patriots could franchise Jimmy Garoppolo. He said that the Pats could get a first-round pick for Garoppolo that way. And then the Pats traded Cooks for a first-round pick! This loon thinks he can build a Super Bowl roster? He is a fucking mad man high on free-form coke, and I love it!
Granted, I have no direct knowledge that Volin uses drugs of any sort. But if I had to bet, you know where my money is going. And how could I bet any other way? He also said Cooks wasn’t worth $8.5 million. Cooks got double that on his next contract with the Rams. And that’s how you know the editors in Boston are hitting that same pipe, because they let this weirdo keep doing it. He wanted to give Matt Forte a three or four-year deal … in 2016! And I love it, because I have a team of overeducated, underemployed drug cooks who keep me lit on the regular. When I see Volin has posted his thoughts on roster moves, I buy a gallon of ammonia and call my connection in Duxbury.
Of course, there is a deep bottom with freebase that you have to be careful with. You see it with Ben all the time. The Patriots are in a “downward spiral.” “Cut Dwayne Allen.” That’s when you know the heaviness has hit the way it always does — hard and without mercy. I’d imagine he’s a salty, then-skinned, testy creep with a serotonin deficiency prone to wild mood swings and incoherent ramblings. The type to stir confrontations in the middle of the night and shriek at children.
I hope he rolls through my drive-thru sometime. Shit will get weird.
Patrick Sporn is a native of Savin Hill, MA. He has a doctorate from the Columbia School of Journalism and is a Shift Leader at Dunkin’ Donuts.
New Englanders are a hardworking bunch, independent, and always praying for another pennant. We love the Kennedys, strolls on Nantucket, Durgin Park, Zayre, and the majestic game of baseball. It’s been a tough winter without our beloved Sox. It doesn’t matter if you pick up garbage for a living or design custom yachts, we’re all excited for the return of baseball at the lyric little bandbox.
In the meantime, Spring Training is a reminder of good things to come. There really is nothing like taking a few months off from work to watch the drama, the story that unfolds in Ft. Myers. Young players, veterans, and newcomers working at laundry mats for extra cash all try to make the team. It’s an exciting spectacle that puts any Super Bowl to shame just like a book by Dottie Goodwin. JetBlue is a beautiful facility and I was right when I told Jack Henry that if you build it, people will come.
Spring Training also signals a return to Fenway. The first time I went to Fenway Park was probably 1950. It was the early ‘50s, and it was my father taking me to the game. He was a CFO that worked nights mopping floors. And what I have full retention of is of the electric sight of coming up the ramp on the first-base side (and it’s still the same sight today), and you come up into the splendor of green that you see in front of you. The lawn, the wall, the sun sparkling on both. And when you come up the same ramp today with commoners for a day game or night game, it’s still shockingly beautiful. At least it is to me. We used to sit when I was a kid – tickets were obviously cheaper then – in the Grandstand section. Maybe section 15 or 16, which is along the right field foul line. Obviously obstructed view like my current field box seats.
Things change. You go to work; you get lucky; you do well, buy a new Datsun or Oldsmobile; you make a little money or millions as a bank teller. Some people buy beachfront property. I buy season tickets. So, I have and have had for quite some time, ten season tickets in various locations around the ball park, all pretty good seats (2nd or 3 row). The seats I sit in are right by the Red Sox dugout and Jackie Welch. I’ve sat there for years and I will once again in April. I still enjoy waiting in line at the concession stand for a beer, although waitresses constantly bring us champagne that’s on the house. It reminds me of sitting in the bleachers in many ways.
So get ready fellow New Englanders. Have your kids or butler put away the snowblower. Wash the salt off the Malibu or limo. Get out those deck chairs and put up no trespassing signs on your private beach. It’s time to take off the storm windows and get ready for baseball. Play ball Danny.
Don’t think so?
Your reaction was probably the same as mine. What in the actual fuck?
But when you think about it, who’s more perfect to jump into the pool of haughty dipshits that spend their days trying to create self esteem through terrorizing man’s best friend than Bob Ryan. They don’t make divas like this anymore.
Alleged WEEI personality Lou Merloni melted down on social media earlier today after Boston Globe media masseuse Chad Finn reported the Red Sox are not interested in Merloni as full-time Sox radio analyst.
Merloni’s penchant for flinging hot sports takez was cited as a major issue in Finn’s piece. An enraged Merloni cut today’s morning FaceTime session with Nomar Garciaparra short to take his grievances to the Twitter machine.
Merloni entered this battle of wits unarmed and ended up resembling Peter McNeely with a dye job. Finn lands blows here.
The former Red Sox futility infielder was enraged by the press release from the 98.5 SportsHub publicist and promised to address this outrage in his role as talking radio man alongside Glenn Ordway on today’s Big Show…Unlistenable.
Sources tell BJBSJ Finn was unavailable to take up Merloni’s offer due to a previous commitment to shovel Felcher and Mazz’s driveways.
Dan Shaughnessy’s 3 up and 3 down for Wednesday February 13.
- Humble white baseball players
- Humble white baseball players
- Humble white baseball players
- African American Basketball Players
- Baseball Players of Color
- Roger Clemens
On April 28, 2018, the National Weather Service issued a Flash Flood warning for the Southern California offices of The Ringer.
That day, Ringer founder/Big Patriots Fan California Bill Simmons took to the Twitter machine after reading a piece from Absentee Boston Globe NFL writer/Mittens Wearing Dullard Ben Volin, who was unimpressed with the Patriots 2018 off-season to date.
Hard to argue with this piece – Brady turns 42 this year. BB is treating this draft like any other Pats draft which is hard to understand. Either win-now/use the picks OR plan-for-future/take Lamar/etc. Bears trade was bizarre. D is barren. No future QB.https://t.co/RMHAYO0szi— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) April 28, 2018#CaliforniaBillTypical
California Bill, pants soaked, felt the need to tweet this less than 3 months after the Patriots lost Super Bowl 52.
After New England’s 7th straight AFC Championship Game.
After the Pats appeared in 3 out of 4 Super Bowls.
After winning 2 of those 3 Super Bowls.
Yup, these are my mediots.
In case you’d rather not give Globe NFL writer/Mittens Wearing Dullard Ben Volin a click, here’s some lowlights from last season’s Patriots postmortem:
And with the first three rounds in the book, the Patriots’ draft haul feels . . . underwhelming.
They entered the draft with picks 23, 31, 43, 63 and 95. Here’s what they came away with:
A guard/tackle, a running back, a cornerback and a veteran offensive tackle.
They didn’t even use all five picks. They divested the No. 43 Jimmy Garoppolo pick twice, turning it into a fourth-round pick and a 2019 second-rounder.
In a word — yuck.
Where was that speedy linebacker that they badly need? Or the pass rushing help?
And how about that young quarterback they need to groom behind a 41-year-old Tom Brady? As of now it’s still just Brady and Brian Hoyer on the roster, and Brady’s clock is ticking ever faster.
It’s one thing to trade away a current second-round pick for a future first-rounder. But a current two for a future two? There wasn’t one player that the Patriots felt could help the team this year? Bill Belichick majored in economics at Wesleyan — surely he understands the money principle that a dollar today is worth more than a dollar tomorrow, right?
Huh? Most mediot criticism of Bill Belichick is laughable, but criticism from a Mittens Wearing Dullard who needs a GPS to find Gillette Stadium because he visits so infrequently? Yeah, not buying it.
The piece that had Simmons evacuating his bladder isn’t done. Mittens also thinks that the Patriots were out to confuse him after the Garoppolo trade:
The cynical explanation is that Belichick is trying to obscure the return for Garoppolo because he knows how lopsided of a deal it was against the Patriots. Instead of taking a player with the 43rd pick, or even two players after a trade, Belichick keeps kicking the can down the road, trying to confuse us as to the real return on Garoppolo. No. 43 became Nos. 51 and 117. No. 51 became No. 105 and a future second-rounder. No. 117 and 63 were used to draft Dawson. Confusing, right? Just how Belichick and the Patriots want it.
<<Insert joke about confusing Mittens here.>>
Now, the finish – you can almost hear the gears in Mittens’ head grinding to a stop as he wraps up:
The Patriots didn’t add much youth to their defense, and didn’t make a play for a young franchise quarterback. They entered with five high picks, and came away with three rookies and a right tackle, none of whom fit the team’s most glaring needs.
This weekend’s draft could have been a home run, but feels like a squandered opportunity.
I’ll grant you this is typical boiler plate idiocy from Volin and it’s business as usual at John Henry’s Red Sox Rooters Gazette, but surely Big Pats Fan California Bill, after witnessing 2 decades of ridiculous success up close, would dry his Me Undies and look back at an impeccable Belichick/Brady track record.
Keep searching for impact guys on either side of the ball and they are just hard to find on the 2018 Patriots … where are they?— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) September 24, 2018
Big Pats fan California Bill: “Our All-Pro tight end is basically on his last legs. It’s basically over at this point.”— Displaced Bostonian (@Ironhead334) October 22, 2018
—Do we believe in Lamar? Trubisky? The Chiefs D? The Pats at all?
—Who’s the Nobody Believes In Us Team?
—My Million Dollar Picks for Round 1https://t.co/yheuT3Tl18— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) January 4, 2019
New BS Podcast: The Pats suck, Dallas sucks, gambling sucks, fantasy football sucks, everyone sucks but the Chargers with @thecousinsal. Oh and we did Parent Corner.https://t.co/AmcZj3tdxG— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 17, 2018
Other than Brady tearing his ACL in 2008, of all the Belichick regular seasons, this might be the single bleakest Patriots week.— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 20, 2018
This might mean nothing or it might mean something.
—Pats on pace to give up most points in any Belichick season
—Pats might be under +100 for point differential for first time in 13 seasons
BTW +315 in 2007 was amazing pic.twitter.com/jtpgq5dx1K— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 10, 2018
I can’t say I’m enjoying the Sony Michel era.— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) September 24, 2018
Does California Bill know his stuff, or what?
Everyone’s been that reactionary asshole following your team at one time or another. It’s unavoidable. Mittens hit a nerve triggering a bout of uncontrollable shoe-pissing with California Bill, and PTSD reared its ugly head. It happens for those who hail from the mean streets of Greenwich, CT. Throw in Simmons’ bizarre obsession with Lamar Jackson, disdain for Sony Michel, and a brain dimmed by a decade of discussing wagers he never actually placed with Cousin Sal, and it makes sense.
If I’ve learned one thing as a fan of Boston Sports, it’s this: find some serenity. A safe place. A place where the takes are full of insight and wisdom is abundant. I’m grateful social media helped me find that place – the place where Mittens Volin’s work is summed up perfectly.